False reconciliation

[gemini6]

Regret?

Yeah, you'll regret it if you go

AND

you'll regret it if you stay.

See, people always want what they can't have - there really is no exception to the rule. You aren't special, your affair is not special and your OW is not special - it is TYPICAL. a co-worker, really?....how unique! pfft. It's proximity and time..that's it. So many people find their "soul-mates" at work

 

If only - you were free. If only you - met her first - if only - you didn't have children to worry about - if only - if only - the stars just didn't align quite right and you've found yourself in such a mess........seriously?? Get back into reality, dude. You are being a coward. Leave, go get the "greener grass" so that your wife can find a real man that won't cheat on her - your OW can have a liar and a cheater since she wants it so bad...

Hey, you never know maybe you leaving will be the best thing to ever happen to your wife - Mr. perfect could be right around the corner for her!

[lemondrop21]

this is nice but... here is the thing - there will always be someone more beautiful & more attractive than his wife. someone smarter. someone more successful and more charismatic. there needs to be much more to a marriage than just your partner being attractive and having that special spark. sure - that's some kind of foundation and it's definitely important (you're pretty much buddies without any attraction) but you need to build more deeper and stronger than that.

 

i don't think his wife is old or even wrinkled, overweight. she probably looks the same as she did when they married - these are folks in their early thirties. my point is: your partner doesn't need to change a tiny bit in order for you to find someone else more attractive or beautiful. OR for your attraction to simply change or vanish. but when you decide to act on it... when it's THAT strong? that usually means that your marital foundation is a bad one and your expectations are probably a bit unrealistic. i think the OP should work on that, it certainly looks like the only thing he and the OW have is sex and purely physical passion. very fantasy land kind of affair.

 

i think Lady Hamilton's post is wonderful and certainly proves a point - the OP needs to be realistic. it's love when you see someone more attractive and beautiful and Adriana Lima looking like girl but you come back to your wife who has your kid's poop on her, looking like she didn't sleep for three days and you're HAPPY.

I completely agree with you, mini, and I think we were trying to say the same thing, mine perhaps just wasn't worded as well . Yes, there will always be someone more physically attractive than your mate/spouse. The hope is that you see your spouse as beautiful no matter what because they are the one you want to be with, the one you've built a foundation with, etc. If OP doesn't have this then I think it's worrisome. But maybe he does still have these feelings about his wife, or feels he could get them back in the future. We'll see if he clarifies.

 

While I haven't been married, I had an ex boyfriend in a long term relationship who made me feel like I was absolutely gorgeous even at my worst, and always told me so. While I enjoyed looking good for him, I never felt self conscious about my appearance or worried that he would be drawn away by someone more attractive. I knew he only wanted me. I'm looking forward to having that feeling again in a new relationship and maybe marriage some day. For what it's worth, I never had that feeling in the A, MM never saw me at my worst so who knows what he would have thought.

[calmb4thestorm]

Wow. So much advice to sift through. Thanks for the comments everyone. I appreciate every comment, even though I can't possibly respond to every person. Thanks for sharing your experiences, Jenkins. Sounds like we are very similar. Really appreciate your advice.

 

'I am very physically attracted to this woman. I heard a stat before that only around 10% (or something like that) of MM found their AP to be more attractive than their actual spouse. Well I must be in that minority. Also, I know for a fact that sex with her is better. These are all very superficial things I realize. '

 

A decent sex life isn't necessarily a superficial requirement. Are you willing or able to explain at all what is better about sex with your AP?

 

Yeah, maybe it's hard to quantify why the sex is better. Or at least, not details I really want to share on a forum. Yeah, I suppose that some of the AP sensuality or sexuality can be rekindled in my marriage somewhat. Although, I find that different body types in partners (ie. curvy, slender, or skinny) elicit different levels of sexual arousal for me personally. I feel this is very biology-driven and not something that I can really defend (or that excuses my poor behavior), but it's just how I feel. I liken it to this: the response when you walk down the street and do a double-take to check out some women. This AP has THAT affect on me, whereas, sadly, my wife's body doesn't do the same for me. And that's not to say that my wife is obese or ugly (maybe she has a few more pounds than I'd personally like though). Thing is, her body was never as foxy as my AP's, which makes me wonder, did I subconsciously 'settle' in the first place (and am only realizing now that I wanted something different all along)? Again, it's extremely superficial sounding, but I'm just trying to be candid.

 

Reading back over your thread, I'm struck by how you repeatedly bring up the physical aspects of the affair - the fact that you are much more physically attracted to MW than your wife. Someone else mentioned the fact that physical attraction isn't usually a driving force in affairs, especially where the WS is considering leaving... It's usually more emotionally driven, or driven by the "availability" of the AP.

 

I might get backlash for this but I think it's something you should put a good deal of thought into, but not for your own sake - for your wife's sake. Women like to know that their mate considers them beautiful no matter what, even as they age, when they are at their worst, etc. I felt bad for your wife as I read this because I'm sure she is longing for you to feel that way about her. Can you imagine getting back to a place where you feel that way, and can make your wife feel it too?

 

I think physical attraction and emotion often get wrapped up in one package - yes, even for men. If you no longer look at your wife and find her beautiful, and this happened before the affair, that's a red flag. You should be able to see past the wrinkles and sags that have crept in over time, to the woman that you originally fell in love with (she is probably looking past some wrinkles and sags herself, just saying).

 

I hope you can still feel that way about your wife and can make her feel beautiful, too; if not then she deserves someone who can. Figure out if the affair has clouded your perception or if it was an issue before.

 

To be clear, and maybe I've emphasized this point too much, the AP is very attractive, yes, but it is NOT the only consideration here. Her personality is also great and she's actually quite witty and funny. And she's smart (because we work together and I know the demands of her job -- which is very similar to mine -- and it requires a decent level of intellect).

 

For the record, my wife IS attractive...maybe not the body type I desire as much (but she did bear my children) as my AP's, but she is still good-looking.

[calmb4thestorm]

Hi calm

 

Even though you've only got yourself to blame for the situation you are in, I want to send a big big (((man hug))) to you because I know where you are. I've stood in your shoes and despite suffering most of the normal challenges that most guys in their 40s have faced - illness, loss of friends and relatives, coping with illness and issues with children, financial troubles, etc, etc, NOTHING has come even close to the nightmare situation of finding yourself, with only yourself to blame and empathy, sympathy and advice in short supply, in the awful position of having a good marriage with children and a good wife, who you love but at the same time being madly in love with another woman - and under pressure to make a decision one way or the other as to where you are going in your life. I simply wanted to die when I stood in your shoes and like the POS coward that I am, I often escaped and avoided the horror of my situation by drowning my sorrows in alcohol, drifting off into a drunken sleep each night, waking in the morning actually grateful for the hangover because at least it was another distraction from the mess I was in.

 

J

 

Again, really appreciate your thoughts Jenkins as another man who has been through this. I agree, it's like living in a nightmare...and it's self-inflicted! It's incredibly painful for everyone, myself included. I can safely say that, regardless whether I stayed with my wife or ended up with OW, I would never repeat this mistake again. It is a lesson hard learned. Infidelity is incredibly self-destructive and stupid. And I'm still living it. I don't like my 'fake reconciliation' either. I need to be tough.

 

Incidentally, I read somewhere that men statistically are weaker at dealing with this sort of situation. We waffle more, whereas women are more concrete in their decisions, whether it is to leave their H for their AP or whether it is to leave their H if they're a BS...they seem to be more firm and decisive after making a decision. I feel that, by waffling, I am being weak. I am not a weak person though.

 

By the way, what are rows (in relation to the NC stuff you were talking about)? I think NC is going to be brutal, to be honest.

 

Do you want them to know after growing up that dad left them because sex with another woman was better than that with mom? Is this what you want them to think about their dad? I understand and accept we all have the right for happiness but from the moment you had kids their happiness becomes a priority.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. It's another topic that has me confused. No, I definitely DON'T want my children to think I left their mom just because I found someone that I enjoyed being intimate with more. But, I find that the advice that I hear from lots of people is divided by two different schools of thought: what makes someone happy VS what makes others happy (in other words, what causes the least collateral damage).

 

I find some people tell you to pursue whatever makes you happy, which can mean chasing your AP, even if it is at the expense of destroying everything else that you've ever worked for. Part of the logic I've heard used with this school of thought is that no one else will be happy unless you're truly happy anyway (because if you aren't truly happy it will be evident and it will have a trickle-down affect onto your spouse, your children, and so forth...making them all unhappy in the long run too).

 

Others will say that it's not about pursuing your happiness and that you need to consider how it will affect your spouse, your children, your extended family, your finances, your job, and so forth.

 

So I guess, the question is, is there a 'right' answer? Does the selfish pursuit of one's own happiness trump everyone else's considerations? I guess this is a moral question.

Edited June 2, 2016 by calmb4thestorm

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Thanks for your thoughts. It's another topic that has me confused. No, I definitely DON'T want my children to think I left their mom just because I found someone that I enjoyed being intimate with more. But, I find that the advice that I hear from lots of people is divided by two different schools of thought: what makes someone happy VS what makes others happy (in other words, what causes the least collateral damage).

 

I find some people tell you to pursue whatever makes you happy, which can mean chasing your AP, even if it is at the expense of destroying everything else that you've ever worked for. Part of the logic I've heard used with this school of thought is that no one else will be happy unless you're truly happy anyway (because if you aren't truly happy it will be evident and it will have a trickle-down affect onto your spouse, your children, and so forth...making them all unhappy in the long run too).

 

Others will say that it's not about pursuing your happiness and that you need to consider how it will affect your spouse, your children, your extended family, your finances, your job, and so forth.

 

So I guess, the question is, is there a 'right' answer? Does the selfish pursuit of one's own happiness trump everyone else's considerations? I guess this is a moral question.

 

I would label those two options "short view" and "long view".

 

The short-term view would undoubtedly say pursue your OW. The sex is great, relationship is new, sun is shining, birds are singing.

 

The long-term outlook understands that life happens and the luster of a new relationship fades over time. And so it asks this question:

 

"Is what you have now with your wife and kids better than what you might have 10 years from now in a mature relationship with the OW?"

 

Think long and hard...

 

Mr. Lucky

[harrybrown]

So how would you feel if your wife had the A with her hot AP?

 

and she told you about it, but she can't get him out of her mind?

 

How would you like your wife to treat you?

 

Consider treating your wife the same way.

 

You would not like it if she kept in touch with her AP.

 

and continued to have someone compete for her affection and he was bigger than you and had more sexual attributes than you do?

 

Think about how you would feel if she treated you this way.

 

How old are your kids? They do matter.

[CoolHandLuke76]

Always cherish your spouse. They know the real you. All the deep dark secrets and personality flaws that you've yet to show your AP and yet your spouse still loves you. Even after you plunged a dagger straight into her heart she still loves you. That's a very rare and special thing my man. You'd be the schmuck of the century if you screw that up. Stop thinking with your d*ck and evolve. Cherish your spouse and not a woman who would cheat with a married man.

[strugglinghubby]

An 'insurance policy'?? Dude, get your head out of your a**. All that says to me is that you lack the courage to make a decision and stick to it. I'm sorry for being harsh, but deep down that's what it looks like to me.

 

As to what you should do, it's actually a shame your W hasn't stumbled across this forum and read up on the 180. She needs to pull that on you asap. In a way you actually should have the decision taken out of your own hands, but lucky for you you still have the power to make one. Take that opportunity while it's still there and make the right one. Stay with your wife who knows you inside and out, beg for her forgiveness, make it your sole purpose to show your family (kids included) how much you love them and appreciate them for the rest of your life.

 

Lastly in terms of doing what makes you happy first vs how it will impact those close to you. We live in a modern society full of close and complex relationships. There is a moral obligation to consider others, not just yourself first. If you want to live in a world where you matter first and foremost at the expense of all others, do yourself a favor and go live in a cave in the mountains where you have no contact with anyone else.

[lemondrop21]

Calm - I'm taking the liberty of answering your question to Jenkins since I'm recognizing it as an across-the-pond translation issue . A "row" is an argument, disagreement or what we would often casually call a "fight" in North America. Rhymes with "cow." You were taking it to be the "row, row, row your boat" kind of "row," am I right?

 

You will continue to get slammed by some here for your discussions on your wife's vs AP's looks... If you keep posting and get private message abilities it might help to talk about that issue with other men who have been in your situation like Jenkins.

 

As for pursuing your own happiness vs that of others, I suspect the answer lies somewhere in the middle of the two extremes you describe. Seeing your wife and children utterly devastated by your sudden departure after a four month affair may very well wipe out whatever happiness you are feeling from your AP.

[jenkins95]

Thanks for the translation service Lemon! Yes, in British English row = heated argument! Sorry for the confusion. I didn't realise that it didn't have the same usage in America! I love those little quirks we encounter when using different forms of the same language! One of my favourites is diaper/nappy. It absolutely melts me when I hear someone talking about "changing diapers"!

 

Anyway! The context to this was basically just giving you a heads up on how brutal reconciliation is, even if you both do everything right and are both completely all in. Prepare yourself for a tough ride Calm - but a ride that will be worth it. Calm, can I just ask how your wife reacted to your confession? You say she made it clear that she still wants to work on the marriage, which is really great, but what was her emotional reaction and how has she been in the days since? How long ago did you tell her? It's possible that she is still in shock and you may not see the full extent of what it has done to her for a little while yet.

 

Your wife will likely go through the full spectrum of emotions - anger, hurt, disbelief, sadness, etc, etc and she will likely have a LOT of questions for you. Sometimes, she will go through this full cycle of emotions more than once in a single day, and the same questions may be repeated over and over again. As the WS, you have to let her call the shots in this and not get frustrated or resistant, especially in the first couple of months. You will feel shame, humiliation and guilt and you will often want to walk away or be defiant in your responses. Inevitably, a few times you will be - I was and I got angry and frustrated a few times. It's understandable, but don't let this happen often - show her that you really want to be there and fix things. It is tough, especially at first, because you may still be confused, still be pining for the OW and there is your wife, destroyed and needing answers, reassurance and comfort. At the very least she is going to need to know that you WANT to be there, when deep down you may not still be sure of this, even if you've committed to reconciliation. In the very early days of my own reconciliation, when my head was all over the place, I often wasn't sure if I REALLY wanted to be there, but knowing that I wanted to want to be there at least seemed like a starting point!! If you do decide to give it all to your marriage and reconcile, be strong and stick to it, ride out the peaks and troughs - it gets easier for both of you if you do it properly. Accept that the first couple of months will be a nightmare, but know that it does get better. Go through the whole process and do not try to play it down or get over it too quickly - that concept is referred to as "rug sweeping" here, and all it normally serves to do is delay or damage the healing process.

 

And yes, while all this is going on, you will have your own private, secret battle with NC going on in your own head, which of course you can't talk about at home. That too is brutal if you really love the OW, but again, it gets easier with time. My advice is to post a lot on here if you are struggling with that side of things as I did and maybe get IC. I also found some wonderful individuals to send PMs to here too. Feel free to PM me any time if you want to.

 

Calm, from your posts you seem like a really nice, sensitive guy, who just made some bad decisions. You can get past this. Credit to you for coming here and seeking advice.

 

Good luck and keep on posting.

 

 

Calm - I'm taking the liberty of answering your question to Jenkins since I'm recognizing it as an across-the-pond translation issue . A "row" is an argument, disagreement or what we would often casually call a "fight" in North America. Rhymes with "cow." You were taking it to be the "row, row, row your boat" kind of "row," am I right?

 

You will continue to get slammed by some here for your discussions on your wife's vs AP's looks... If you keep posting and get private message abilities it might help to talk about that issue with other men who have been in your situation like Jenkins.

 

As for pursuing your own happiness vs that of others, I suspect the answer lies somewhere in the middle of the two extremes you describe. Seeing your wife and children utterly devastated by your sudden departure after a four month affair may very well wipe out whatever happiness you are feeling from your AP.

[wmacbride]

I

I find some people tell you to pursue whatever makes you happy, which can mean chasing your AP, even if it is at the expense of destroying everything else that you've ever worked for. Part of the logic I've heard used with this school of thought is that no one else will be happy unless you're truly happy anyway (because if you aren't truly happy it will be evident and it will have a trickle-down affect onto your spouse, your children, and so forth...making them all unhappy in the long run too).

 

Others will say that it's not about pursuing your happiness and that you need to consider how it will affect your spouse, your children, your extended family, your finances, your job, and so forth.

 

So I guess, the question is, is there a 'right' answer? Does the selfish pursuit of one's own happiness trump everyone else's considerations? I guess this is a moral question.

 

Is it right to make everyone else pay the price for your pursuit of happiness, no matter how fleeting those feelings may be? That is what it will come down to. Your wife, children extended fmaily, etc. will be the ones who will be asked to foot he emotional bill for your chasing "better sex" with your ow. It their pain worth it?

 

You have to answer that for yourself.

 

btw, you mention that your ow has a body type that you find more appealing than your w, and your w is a bit overweight. What happens when your ow ages, gain weight, becomes ill or for some other reason is no longer as attractive to you. what will you do then? Will your eyes start to wander once more?

 

Some people are not capable fo loving someone with the same depth of feeling as other people are capable of. They are simply not wired to be able to form lasting, deep pair bonds. That doesn't make them bad people, it just means that monogamy is not something they are suited to. These people will always be at risk for cheating.

 

Others who cheat do so for any number of reasons, but they are capable of monogamy over the long term.

 

I would suggest that you try and figure out your reasons for cheating before you commit to either your marriage or your ow. In the meantime, let your wife have all the information she needs to decide whether or not to stay with you. That includes that you are still in the A. Give her the gift of being able to make informed decisions about her life.

[calmb4thestorm]

An 'insurance policy'?? Dude, get your head out of your a**. All that says to me is that you lack the courage to make a decision and stick to it. I'm sorry for being harsh, but deep down that's what it looks like to me.

 

As to what you should do, it's actually a shame your W hasn't stumbled across this forum and read up on the 180. She needs to pull that on you asap. In a way you actually should have the decision taken out of your own hands, but lucky for you you still have the power to make one. Take that opportunity while it's still there and make the right one. Stay with your wife who knows you inside and out, beg for her forgiveness, make it your sole purpose to show your family (kids included) how much you love them and appreciate them for the rest of your life.

 

Lastly in terms of doing what makes you happy first vs how it will impact those close to you. We live in a modern society full of close and complex relationships. There is a moral obligation to consider others, not just yourself first. If you want to live in a world where you matter first and foremost at the expense of all others, do yourself a favor and go live in a cave in the mountains where you have no contact with anyone else.

 

Thanks for your comments. I agree with you on everything. It does feel like a lack of courage...or a lack of decisiveness. It totally sucks. And I haven't done a 180...because I do think in my mind that I want to commit to my wife, despite the seeming indecision. It feels like the right thing to do.

 

I'm really struggling with the NC. Some days it feels extremely hard, if not impossible. I will agree that the addiction is probably similar to a drug.

[aliveagain]

I don't normally reply to posts that have anything to do with someone who is actively cheating on their spouse, I always get in trouble. I say actively because your focus is in the wrong place and I feel compelled to reach out to you on behalf of your children. Yes your kids that you are going to trade for her kids. The sex was amazing because it's secret, James Bond stealth, risk of being caught. You didn't have to help her do the dishes or cut the lawn before you got some, she's got someone at home doing that for her. In fact he was making her mortgage payment while you were pounding her a$$ into the office copying machine. This woman who always looks hot has a pair of sweat pants, just like your wife's at home. She doesn't wear them to work because they won't get her the attention and validation she's looking for from other men. There isn't a man on the planet that will ever be enough for her.

 

The main difference between O/W and your wife is your wife isn't out banging someone else, she's at home raising your amazing kids being faithful to you while O/W thinks it's ok to cheat on the man in her life. O/W doesn't shave her legs or armpits, she probably blows fairy dust out her a$$ even after a three burrito lunch special at Taco Time. I would bet big money that some other guy would find your wife hot and an amazing woman in bed if it was just about porn star sex.

 

Here is your new reality if you continue to waste the second chance your wife has given you. Another man will be raising your children, tucking them into bed at night, taking them to school, giving them amazing holidays at the beach, building memories that will last them for life. You will be the dad they only see part time who is too busy to see them because of other women's needy children. My recommendation to you is find the nastiest brick wall in the nastiest back lane and run into it face first. Take your time getting up and enjoy the pain because that is what the rest of your life will feel like once you come back into reality.

 

You need some professional help, independent counselling, find out why you are so keen to self destruct. Until you get to the root of your problem no relationship will work out for you. I think your wife was to quick in her forgiveness because you don't sound deserving of a second chance from what I have read. Get your priorities strait because your still deep in your affair and have done very little to fix yourself in my opinion and your time will soon run out.

[calmb4thestorm]

I don't normally reply to posts that have anything to do with someone who is actively cheating on their spouse, I always get in trouble. I say actively because your focus is in the wrong place and I feel compelled to reach out to you on behalf of your children. Yes your kids that you are going to trade for her kids. The sex was amazing because it's secret, James Bond stealth, risk of being caught. You didn't have to help her do the dishes or cut the lawn before you got some, she's got someone at home doing that for her. In fact he was making her mortgage payment while you were pounding her a$$ into the office copying machine. This woman who always looks hot has a pair of sweat pants, just like your wife's at home. She doesn't wear them to work because they won't get her the attention and validation she's looking for from other men. There isn't a man on the planet that will ever be enough for her.

 

The main difference between O/W and your wife is your wife isn't out banging someone else, she's at home raising your amazing kids being faithful to you while O/W thinks it's ok to cheat on the man in her life. O/W doesn't shave her legs or armpits, she probably blows fairy dust out her a$$ even after a three burrito lunch special at Taco Time. I would bet big money that some other guy would find your wife hot and an amazing woman in bed if it was just about porn star sex.

 

Here is your new reality if you continue to waste the second chance your wife has given you. Another man will be raising your children, tucking them into bed at night, taking them to school, giving them amazing holidays at the beach, building memories that will last them for life. You will be the dad they only see part time who is too busy to see them because of other women's needy children. My recommendation to you is find the nastiest brick wall in the nastiest back lane and run into it face first. Take your time getting up and enjoy the pain because that is what the rest of your life will feel like once you come back into reality.

 

You need some professional help, independent counselling, find out why you are so keen to self destruct. Until you get to the root of your problem no relationship will work out for you. I think your wife was to quick in her forgiveness because you don't sound deserving of a second chance from what I have read. Get your priorities strait because your still deep in your affair and have done very little to fix yourself in my opinion and your time will soon run out.

 

Thank you. I am IC and I will look for that brick wall because you are right. So so right.

[merrmeade]

Is it right to make everyone else pay the price for your pursuit of happiness, no matter how fleeting those feelings may be? That is what it will come down to. Your wife, children extended fmaily, etc. will be the ones who will be asked to foot he emotional bill for your chasing "better sex" with your ow. It their pain worth it?

 

You have to answer that for yourself.

 

btw, you mention that your ow has a body type that you find more appealing than your w, and your w is a bit overweight. What happens when your ow ages, gain weight, becomes ill or for some other reason is no longer as attractive to you. what will you do then? Will your eyes start to wander once more?

 

Some people are not capable fo loving someone with the same depth of feeling as other people are capable of. They are simply not wired to be able to form lasting, deep pair bonds. That doesn't make them bad people, it just means that monogamy is not something they are suited to. These people will always be at risk for cheating.

 

Others who cheat do so for any number of reasons, but they are capable of monogamy over the long term.

 

I would suggest that you try and figure out your reasons for cheating before you commit to either your marriage or your ow. In the meantime, let your wife have all the information she needs to decide whether or not to stay with you. That includes that you are still in the A. Give her the gift of being able to make informed decisions about her life.

This is an awesome post.

[SummerDreams]

@aliveagain

I love you for that post.

 

OP you asked me what route is better, to be happy yourself so you can make others happy or "sacrifice" your happiness for others' happiness. First of all I don't agree that someone has to be happy to make someone else happy. Happiness comes from where we don't expect it and we surely can't know what makes someone happy. My mom was in an unhappy marriage for 18 years and she stayed in it for me but I assure you she was finding the strength to make me, her kid, happy and I will owe her for that forever. There are people who are givers and people who are takers, the balance is hard to find. But in my opinion when you decide consciously to have kids you have to become a giver for them. But still I don't see you unhappy in your marriage, I just see a man who can't accept that his partying times are over and he has responsibilities towards other people, may they be financial, emotional or others. Your kids need a father who is there and present. Your wife needs a husband she can trust again. SHE and the kids are the victims of this situation and you make yourself the victim instead. Think about it.

Edited June 3, 2016 by SummerDreams

[merrmeade]

Indeed, wmacbride's post identifies the missing element that would truly bring OP to his senses asap and accomplish what he's unable to do for himself, which is to close the door once and for all to possibility and longing both inside and out by facing the reality of losing everything that's important. Maybe the OP would help himself best by exposing the wife to LS advice that she, as the BS, would best serve their potential reconciliation by wholly, completely AND sincerely rejecting her WH outright. I don't think he'll stop looking backward until that happens.

Edited June 3, 2016 by merrmeade

[Lobe]

Truth is, I probably wouldn't end my marriage if she wasn't in the picture and I know that's a huge red flag right there. And yet the temptation is overwhelming. I know it's a huge gamble. Tell me I'm an idiot please. I know leaving a marriage for someone else is the wrong reason, but people do it all the time, don't they? Am I self-destructive?

 

Maybe you're destroying yourself, but mostly you're destroying everyone else, including the OW. You're being a cake-eater. You're still thriving on the OW's attention and lying to your wife. My advice is full honesty and full disclosure, to BOTH women.

 

Tell your wife the OW contacted you and that you wish you could go see how that turns out before ending your marriage. Tell her you that you have no real reason to end the marriage except the curiosity (and awesome sex) is killing you. Ask her to wait for your affair to run its course and let her know you'll get back to her when you've made up your mind.

 

Tell the OW that you are 100% sure that if she wasn't there, you would have no reason to leave your marriage because you love your wife and don't really want to leave. Ask the OW if she's willing to let you come and try her out for a while before deciding if you should leave your otherwise perfectly good marriage, and if she can live up to the expectations you have, you'll make it official and divorce your wife.

 

Or, you could tell both women you need a break to clear your head, go NC with BOTH of them for several weeks, get your hiney in to IC, and figure out what's actually going on in your head.

 

I think you know the answer to your own question. I think you're hoping for someone to tell you what you want to hear (that affairs are super duper awesome and everyone lives happily ever after) but needing a reality check. Are you having a midlife crisis and regretting you didn't buy a motorbike and get hair plugs instead? Are you truly a bad evil narcissist or just a good person who made a bad choice? Whatever the case may be, you're clearly struggling. I hope for everyone's sake you rip this bandaid off sooner than later.

[WakingUp]

Just get off the fence.

 

Your messing around is hurting everyone involved.

 

It is not ALL ABOUT YOU.

 

Sex? Body types? Really?

 

I know I am being harsh but you are dealing with other peoples lives too.

[imsosad]

Dear OP,

I havent read the entire thread, so my response is to your first post.

Man,you sound alot like me.

Ok marriage, long term capacity for being faithful, falling in love out of the blue, small children involved.

I was a MW in an EA with. MM for four moths. We were NC for a year, but neither of us was able to move past our feelings for each other.

We are now both going through divorces and trying to be together.

I went back and forth for a while trying to decide. My heart said, your marriage cant be that good if you lve someone else, you found your person,go for it. My mind was saying kids, mortgages, dim AP marriage stats... My M was ok on the outside,though I have felt reluctant and doubtful about it for a while. Let me put it this way, probably no wife would consider leaving such a marriage 30 years ago,or even 20.

I felt so torn but ultimately decided to take the plunge. We are trying to be very calculated and careful because we have six children between us.

We are trying to shift out of affair mode and take it slow.

It feels right, but it will ne a while before I can evaluate if it really did make me happier long term.

[Miss Clavel]

Wow. So much advice to sift through. And she's smart (because we work together and I know the demands of her job -- which is very similar to mine -- and it requires a decent level of intellect).

 

 

 

so she's working, great. who's gonna quit their job and look after these soon to be orphans? one of you is going to have to quit working and make a home. or do you think your soon to be ex wife will, once again, give up her life and raise both sets of kid?

 

please ask your wife to PM me so i can show her how i made sure my ex got most of the weekend visitation without his AP being allowed around my kids and all of the crappy holiday i couldn't be bothered with.

 

good luck

[Mr Blunt]

BY OP

I know I am a selfish person. Is it incredibly stupid to throw away a marriage for a chance with someone else? Will I regret it? Or will I regret not chancing it?

 

 

 

 

　

Your affair woman has young children and you have young children. You have stated that you are a selfish person. Your affair woman has violated trust, honesty, and committment in a mmarige and so have you. You are all emotional about this woman because you have not had to live with her, smell her breath, and other odors from her, and deal with her selfishness, lack of trust, commitiment, and honesty. Add to that your lack of integrity and commitment to your wife and children. Don't forget that you will have to pay support for your chldren and your cheater woman's children also; I doubt that your childen will be very proud of you for abandoning their mother and having your time with them reduced significantly.

　

Now those are just a few of the realities you will have to deal with for many years. Is your teenage feelings worth that?

 

 

So you can answer your own questions.

[Marc878]

If OW cheats with you one day she'll cheat on you.

 

That's your future. You good with that?

[lemondrop21]

BY OP

I know I am a selfish person. Is it incredibly stupid to throw away a marriage for a chance with someone else? Will I regret it? Or will I regret not chancing it?

 

 

 

 

　

Your affair woman has young children and you have young children. You have stated that you are a selfish person. Your affair woman has violated trust, honesty, and committment in a mmarige and so have you. You are all emotional about this woman because you have not had to live with her, smell her breath, and other odors from her, and deal with her selfishness, lack of trust, commitiment, and honesty. Add to that your lack of integrity and commitment to your wife and children. Don't forget that you will have to pay support for your chldren and your cheater woman's children also; I doubt that your childen will be very proud of you for abandoning their mother and having your time with them reduced significantly.

　

Now those are just a few of the realities you will have to deal with for many years. Is your teenage feelings worth that?

 

 

So you can answer your own questions.

 

I don't know, I mean, if OP is really sooooo selfish, doesn't his wife deserve the chance to find something better? I know the statistics on second marriages aren't great, but that actually doesn't jive with my own experiences, growing up in the US and seeing many friend's parents divorce and remarry. Sure that process is never easy but I saw a lot of second marriages that seemed very strong in the end. Again this is not about OP and his OW, I have no idea if that is viable but I bet OP's wife could find someone to build a happy and honest second marriage with, if given the chance.

[lemondrop21]

If OW cheats with you one day she'll cheat on you.

 

That's your future. You good with that?

 

Um. Couldn't you say the same about OP? This logic always seems warped to me.