False reconciliation

[HHewett]

I'm going to put something out there that hasn't been mentioned yet. I will say it bluntly. You had an affair, told you wife & she decided to try and work on your marriage. She was hurt, beyond your comprehension. You've continued the affair behind you wife's back & you are betraying her again. When she finds out (unless you come clean immediately) & she will find out, yes, she will be hurt but she will also be MAD as hell, so mad, very, very mad & she will probably no longer play nicely & you will feel the wrath of your decision to manipulate her for your own selfish pleasure.

 

See, if my husband had an affair & came clean to me, lied to me & told me he wanted to work on our marriage & continued the affair & I found out I wouldn't be as inclined to play nice when it came to the divorce settlement (I would crucify him)! Now, if he told me the truth I would be really hurt & probably mad but not as mad as if I had been lied to again & again. I'd probably come to my senses & be more amicable in the divorce in that situation. You see you're playing her for a fool & no one likes to feel like that. Right now she loves you & thinks you love her enough to work on your marriage but you don't. You don't respect her, your children or the time of her's you are wasting.

 

See, we only get one life & it is so unfair to her to let her think her life is one way when it really isn't. You are stealing years of this woman's life, from this woman you once loved enough to pretend you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, loved enough to have a family with, share your dreams & hope with. Let her go so she can begin to work through the crap you've done to her & your family & find away to be happy again.

Edited June 30, 2016 by HHewett

[aliveagain]

The reason you feel so lost is you still believe your biggest problem is "making a decision." Your inner self knows the truth and is fighting for it's life with the affair dopamine's being created by the fantasy relationship you have with the other woman. Ya, the other woman that thinks you have way more money than her husband and expects you to be "her" KISA(knight in shining armor). She still thinks your going to put her kids before yours and God help you if you don't. I would rather face a Kraken then a woman that thinks your disrespecting her kids. Making a decision is the least of your problems and your about to throw your marriage away because you can't see that yet.

 

It was a guy like you that ruined my relationship. He isn't laughing now, I on the other hand had my ship come in and I am not sharing any of it with her. I moved on, he is welcome to my ex, she's is just another face in the crowd to me now. He still makes child support payments to my ex for their affair child and will for years. Funny, he didn't want my ex when she became available, blew her mind. Think hard about your situation because this is your last chance if you want to save your marriage.

[heartwhole]

I'm going to put something out there that hasn't been mentioned yet. I will say it bluntly. You had an affair, told you wife & she decided to try and work on your marriage. She was hurt, beyond your comprehension. You've continued the affair behind you wife's back & you are betraying her again. When she finds out (unless you come clean immediately) & she will find out, yes, she will be hurt but she will also be MAD as hell, so mad, very, very mad & she will probably no longer play nicely & you will feel the wrath of your decision to manipulate her for your own selfish pleasure.

 

See, if my husband had an affair & came clean to me, lied to me & told me he wanted to work on our marriage & continued the affair & I found out I wouldn't be as inclined to play nice when it came to the divorce settlement (I would crucify him)! Now, if he told me the truth I would be really hurt & probably mad but not as mad as if I had been lied to again & again. I'd probably come to my senses & be more amicable in the divorce in that situation. You see you're playing her for a fool & no one likes to feel like that. Right now she loves you & thinks you love her enough to work on your marriage but you don't. You don't respect her, your children or the time of her's you are wasting.

 

See, we only get one life & it is so unfair to her to let her think her life is one way when it really isn't. You are stealing years of this woman's life, from this woman you once loved enough to pretend you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, loved enough to have a family with, share your dreams & hope with. Let her go so she can begin to work through the crap you've done to her & your family & find away to be happy again.

 

I agree. Maybe other women are more forgiving than I am. I think as far as giving up the OW went, my husband did it relatively quickly and cleanly. But you know what he did after I thought he'd ended it with her? He liked her stuff on social media that I didn't know about for a few days. He posted a pic of something that I didn't know was a gift from her. He was sending "smoke signals." And I'll tell you, a few days of smoke signals made the statement "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" true of me. I am STILL angry about those "likes." So imagine if he was actually having sex with her during that time instead. I may literally have exploded with rage.

 

That said, it was also very important to me during that time that my WH came clean about anything I didn't know. I may have been able to forgive a continued affair if he confessed it of his own accord quickly and explained that his momentary ambivalence was over. But otherwise, I would have definitely thought, "Fool me once . . ."

[ladydesigner]

I'm going to put something out there that hasn't been mentioned yet. I will say it bluntly. You had an affair, told you wife & she decided to try and work on your marriage. She was hurt, beyond your comprehension. You've continued the affair behind you wife's back & you are betraying her again. When she finds out (unless you come clean immediately) & she will find out, yes, she will be hurt but she will also be MAD as hell, so mad, very, very mad & she will probably no longer play nicely & you will feel the wrath of your decision to manipulate her for your own selfish pleasure.

 

See, if my husband had an affair & came clean to me, lied to me & told me he wanted to work on our marriage & continued the affair & I found out I wouldn't be as inclined to play nice when it came to the divorce settlement (I would crucify him)! Now, if he told me the truth I would be really hurt & probably mad but not as mad as if I had been lied to again & again. I'd probably come to my senses & be more amicable in the divorce in that situation. You see you're playing her for a fool & no one likes to feel like that. Right now she loves you & thinks you love her enough to work on your marriage but you don't. You don't respect her, your children or the time of her's you are wasting.

 

See, we only get one life & it is so unfair to her to let her think her life is one way when it really isn't. You are stealing years of this woman's life, from this woman you once loved enough to pretend you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her, loved enough to have a family with, share your dreams & hope with. Let her go so she can begin to work through the crap you've done to her & your family & find away to be happy again.

 

My WH has encountered my 'Hell Hath No Fury' since False R. He didn't really get a choice and I made sure my anger was felt. I am the wrong person to f**k with on most occasions and my WH found that one out the hard way too! He would seriously be the biggest dumba** on this earth to cheat again. I will make sure he hurts in a D... no joke!

[sandylee1]

 

See, if my husband had an affair & came clean to me, lied to me & told me he wanted to work on our marriage & continued the affair & I found out I wouldn't be as inclined to play nice when it came to the divorce settlement (I would crucify him)! Now, if he told me the truth I would be really hurt & probably mad but not as mad as if I had been lied to again & again. I'd probably come to my senses & be more amicable in the divorce in that situation. You see you're playing her for a fool & no one likes to feel like that. Right now she loves you & thinks you love her enough to work on your marriage but you don't. You don't respect her, your children or the time of her's you are wasting.

 

See, we only get one life & it is so unfair to her to let her think her life is one way when it really isn't. You are stealing years of this woman's life, from this woman you once loved enough to pretend you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

 

You've said this so well. I would make my husband suffer if he did this to me. I could be getting over the hurt and move on to find a better man, but instead facing false reconciliation I stay there.

 

This isn't what a decent husband or father does. Your wife needs to be strong to cope with the fallout and be a good mother. You are making her ability to do that very very difficult. She's got to parent effectively and the hurt you've put on her and continue to do will seriously affect her ability to do that.

 

Stop faffing about and go to the OW. When it falls apart don't go running back to your wife as the fall back option. Live with your choice.

[sandylee1]

Double post

Edited July 1, 2016 by sandylee1
DP

[calmb4thestorm]

Hey people. Small update for those who have followed my story...

 

I am trying to make family life with spouse work. I am going to quit my job (to be away from AP) and start elsewhere. I have actively taken steps in this direction. I have been trying to do NC with her, but I'll readily admit that it's a farse (we still text intermittently and we've talked a few times), so I guess it's more LC. I assume it will soon become NC when we no longer work together. That's the plan at least.

 

I am doing all this with a sense that it's the right thing to do, at least for my conscience, but it's not what I WANT to do...if that makes sense. What I want is my AP still. My spouse knows I still pine for her. It hurts my spouse. My marriage may fail now anyway. But the guilt of casting aside my spouse and becoming a part-time father to be with someone else consumes me. Can I overcome this? It's all so selfish.

 

Please enlighten me with your thoughts? If I continually pine for my AP after months and months, should I just be with her anyway? Will my kids be screwed up? Should I attempt to save a marriage that may fail now anyway when my AP is waiting loyally and patiently for me? Is there any chance at a lasting relationship built on deception? I know the odds are quite bad. I have a hard time feeling the same attraction that I used to have for my wife before the affair happened, perhaps because I still think of my AP (who is very physically attractive)? I also have a hard time recreating the same emotional connection (phone calls, flirty texts, emails) with my wife that I had with my AP too. Does anything get easier??

[MJJean]

I was in an unhappy marriage to a man I did not love or want to spend my life with. Stayed for the kids, yadda yadda. Ended up leaving when the kids were 6 and 1. I left for my AP. We've been married 13 years now, together for 16.

 

Yes, a marriage between AP's can work. But is that what you want? Do you want this woman and her kids 24/7/365? Do you want your wife to move on and eventually date, maybe remarry? If so, if you really don't love your wife in a romantic sense, do the decent thing and end the marriage.

 

Will it screw up the kids? Not if you and their mother co-parent well and are both involved in their lives.

[Mr. Lucky]

If I continually pine for my AP after months and months, should I just be with her anyway? Will my kids be screwed up? Should I attempt to save a marriage that may fail now anyway when my AP is waiting loyally and patiently for me?

 

Since you're on some level encouraging her role as back-up plan, have you thought about the toll this takes on your AP? I'd guess you could truly cut her loose if you wanted to but it serves your purposes to have her standing by. Not the way you'd want to treat someone you profess to care about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[calmb4thestorm]

I know. It all seems so manipulative. And yet, I don't consider myself to be the manipulative type. I've heard it referred to as narcissism. I also don't think I'm a narcissist though.

 

Should I just be divorced with no prospects at all?

[ChickiePops]

I know. It all seems so manipulative. And yet, I don't consider myself to be the manipulative type. I've heard it referred to as narcissism. I also don't think I'm a narcissist though.

 

Should I just be divorced with no prospects at all?

 

Regardless of how you prefer to think of yourself, what you're doing IS manipulative and it IS selfish and you ARE behaving like a narcissist. You're stringing two women along and you deserve neither of them right now.

 

Yes, you should divorce and yes you should be alone until you sort your ***** out and figure out how to treat other people like people and not toys.

[MJJean]

I know. It all seems so manipulative. And yet, I don't consider myself to be the manipulative type. I've heard it referred to as narcissism. I also don't think I'm a narcissist though.

 

Should I just be divorced with no prospects at all?

 

What's wrong with being single for a while and figuring out what YOU want?

 

Even if you filed tomorrow, you should still take time to live in your own place and get into a routine with the kids before getting serious with OW.

[Mr. Lucky]

Should I just be divorced with no prospects at all?

 

As opposed to being married and leveraging your loved one's futures to satisfy your current prospects ??? Up to you, which person would you rather be?

 

Mr. Lucky

[solostand]

As a former OW, here's my two cents:

It was ALL fantasy. MM never saw me with my hair messed up, with my legs unshaved, in a rage. I never saw him except as his most charming, loving self. Our affair lasted 2.5 years. We got caught. Had a Dday. STILL we couldn't shake that "emotional bond" that was really just oxytocin. We kept communicating. Kept getting caught. Everyone found out - everyone.

Last time I talked to him, he said his life was destroyed. He had no friends anymore, everyone was mad at him for cheating on his loving wife. No one would speak to him. He has considered suicide. His children hate him. And STILL he was talking to me!

Back away now.

[ChickiePops]

As a former OW, here's my two cents:

It was ALL fantasy. MM never saw me with my hair messed up, with my legs unshaved, in a rage. I never saw him except as his most charming, loving self. Our affair lasted 2.5 years. We got caught. Had a Dday. STILL we couldn't shake that "emotional bond" that was really just oxytocin. We kept communicating. Kept getting caught. Everyone found out - everyone.

Last time I talked to him, he said his life was destroyed. He had no friends anymore, everyone was mad at him for cheating on his loving wife. No one would speak to him. He has considered suicide. His children hate him. And STILL he was talking to me!

Back away now.

 

For context, as this may help the OP...why didn't you walk away?

[solostand]

Exactly the same reason. Oxytocin, believing in fantasy vs. reality, thrill, infatuation, addiction, I could go on. . .

[MadJackBird]

I know. It all seems so manipulative. And yet, I don't consider myself to be the manipulative type. I've heard it referred to as narcissism. I also don't think I'm a narcissist though.

 

Should I just be divorced with no prospects at all?

 

A true narcissist will never admit to being a narcissist.

[calmb4thestorm]

I am still cake eating. I am totally in self-destruct mode. I guess I am a narcissist. And I guess I'm also self-aware enough to realize that. Can one change this quality in themselves? I have been to IC a handful of times.

 

I think my behaviour is enabled by the fact that the OW allows me back whenever I want and that my wife is too weak to leave me. I totally am disrespecting her, the OW, and myself too. And in a way, I still don't know what I want either (not that I deserve anything at this point).

 

I also recongize this behaviour is destroying everybody and that something has to give sooner or later. I am incredibly selfish and enjoy the cake. I'm also a coward and enjoy the status quo. How do I fix myself when my actions suggest I don't want to? It's like a drug. I've never been addicted to anything before. What will it take to open my eyes? Losing everything?

[Whoknew30]

I am still cake eating. I am totally in self-destruct mode. I guess I am a narcissist. And I guess I'm also self-aware enough to realize that. Can one change this quality in themselves? I have been to IC a handful of times.

 

I think my behaviour is enabled by the fact that the OW allows me back whenever I want and that my wife is too weak to leave me. I totally am disrespecting her, the OW, and myself too. And in a way, I still don't know what I want either (not that I deserve anything at this point).

 

I also recongize this behaviour is destroying everybody and that something has to give sooner or later. I am incredibly selfish and enjoy the cake. I'm also a coward and enjoy the status quo. How do I fix myself when my actions suggest I don't want to? It's like a drug. I've never been addicted to anything before. What will it take to open my eyes? Losing everything?

 

At this point, you're all at fault. Everyone is enabling your "addiction"...your wife & your OW are both players in the game now (it's no longer just happing to them). If you want it to stop, YOU are going to have to be man enough to make up your mind! Stop being a boy & try being a man, you'll feel so much better! Leaving your wife at this point is way better than what you're doing to her now & same with OW. If you don't really love your wife, than you're going to do this again, later on with someone else, so why stay? The only one that can make you not be a jackass anymore is you...now that you recognize your problem, there is absolutely no excuse that you shouldn't know how to take care of it.

 

Though I bet you'd be running to either one that really leaves you bc that's what a narcissist would do.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am still cake eating. I am totally in self-destruct mode. I guess I am a narcissist. And I guess I'm also self-aware enough to realize that. Can one change this quality in themselves? I have been to IC a handful of times.

 

I think my behaviour is enabled by the fact that the OW allows me back whenever I want and that my wife is too weak to leave me. I totally am disrespecting her, the OW, and myself too. And in a way, I still don't know what I want either (not that I deserve anything at this point).

 

I also recongize this behaviour is destroying everybody and that something has to give sooner or later. I am incredibly selfish and enjoy the cake. I'm also a coward and enjoy the status quo. How do I fix myself when my actions suggest I don't want to? It's like a drug. I've never been addicted to anything before. What will it take to open my eyes? Losing everything?

 

You're not a narcissist because if you were, you would not recognize the quality in yourself. It's a personality disorder. Plus, if you were, it would not bother you.

 

You are not the first man to be in this situation but you seem rare in that it is literally eating you up inside and tormenting you.

 

What would you like to happen? Would you prefer your wife left you or the OW went NC with you?

 

This is a serious question. What do you want?

[merrmeade]

You're not a narcissist because if you were, you would not recognize the quality in yourself. It's a personality disorder. Plus, if you were, it would not bother you.

Narcissism IS a personality disorder and it's a continuum. Not every narcissist is a serial-killing sociopath at 10. Some are at 5, 3 or 7 (if there were such a scale) and, yes, are bothered by what they're doing but still can't stop. Like Whoknew says, what chance does he have with BOTH women enabling the status quo? So sad.

[elaine567]

 

What would you like to happen? Would you prefer your wife left you or the OW went NC with you?

 

This is a serious question. What do you want?

 

What he really wants is for everything to stay the same.

He has two besotted women vying for his attention, what's not to like about that?

[elaine567]

You're not a narcissist because if you were, you would not recognize the quality in yourself.

 

That is actually not true.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201103/do-narcissists-know-they-are-narcissists

[Cloudcuckoo]

I am still cake eating. I am totally in self-destruct mode. I guess I am a narcissist. And I guess I'm also self-aware enough to realize that. Can one change this quality in themselves? I have been to IC a handful of times.

 

I think my behaviour is enabled by the fact that the OW allows me back whenever I want and that my wife is too weak to leave me. I totally am disrespecting her, the OW, and myself too. And in a way, I still don't know what I want either (not that I deserve anything at this point).

 

I also recongize this behaviour is destroying everybody and that something has to give sooner or later. I am incredibly selfish and enjoy the cake. I'm also a coward and enjoy the status quo. How do I fix myself when my actions suggest I don't want to? It's like a drug. I've never been addicted to anything before. What will it take to open my eyes? Losing everything?

 

 

Losing everything is probably about the size of it, but even that won't scare you enough until it really happens.

 

Too late then.....

 

If that's not what you want to happen stop being a wet weekend about it and be pro active.

[ChickiePops]

I am still cake eating. I am totally in self-destruct mode. I guess I am a narcissist. And I guess I'm also self-aware enough to realize that. Can one change this quality in themselves? I have been to IC a handful of times.

 

I think my behaviour is enabled by the fact that the OW allows me back whenever I want and that my wife is too weak to leave me. I totally am disrespecting her, the OW, and myself too. And in a way, I still don't know what I want either (not that I deserve anything at this point).

 

I also recongize this behaviour is destroying everybody and that something has to give sooner or later. I am incredibly selfish and enjoy the cake. I'm also a coward and enjoy the status quo. How do I fix myself when my actions suggest I don't want to? It's like a drug. I've never been addicted to anything before. What will it take to open my eyes? Losing everything?

 

Goodness, even when admitting that you're a narcissist you cannot help being self-congratulatory about it.

 

A self-aware person with any kind of desire to change would let them both go. Do you have it in you to actually try to change?