Can A wife be a girlfriend ?!

[Phoenician]

After years of pain in an incompatible relationship ; I started to mature more and ask myself questions about marriage .

 

being in The heart middle age crisis is ; it is challenging to understand few realities .

 

I want a wife who is a girlfriend ,this assumption was busted .There is not wife can be a girlfriend , when there are responsibilities and real life challenges ; no wife can care about you the way you want , grow up man .

 

The only case that works is when both have no stress , no responsibilities and challenges in life , if you want a family , and see your kids growing , watching them throwing the cap high ,you will definitely face marriage issues at one of time ; because there is conflict of interest .

 

 

 

there is no happy marriage when kids and responsibilities are involved .

 

 

SO , was anyone of you able to have a family and still able over the years keep the intimacy level shining ?

 

your opinion

[Gemma1]

We're probably too young to be considered a success in your mind but I found that having a kid didn't change my relationship very much. We don't fight about him ever. I don't think we've ever even argued about him. And I still feel as if we are newlyweds, intimacy is almost every day. But we're still young so of course maybe that will change. And I guess we don't have the stresses or responsibilities most people have - no financial worries, no real jobs, etc. But life is still stressful at times for everyone. You just have to find someone who is as conscious about maintaining the relationship as you are.

[mikeylo]

Yes. A wife can be your best friend and girlfriend. You both need to be on same page regarding morals, values , compatibility,etc.

 

Life is never good all the time. It's full of issues and difficulties. You both need to be able to understand each other and work together as a team. The bond should be strong enough to withstand outside forces.

 

It's not easy. What you need is a woman who looks at life the same way as you.

[wmacbride]

After years of pain in an incompatible relationship ; I started to mature more and ask myself questions about marriage .

 

being in The heart middle age crisis is ; it is challenging to understand few realities .

 

I want a wife who is a girlfriend ,this assumption was busted .There is not wife can be a girlfriend , when there are responsibilities and real life challenges ; no wife can care about you the way you want , grow up man .

 

The only case that works is when both have no stress , no responsibilities and challenges in life , if you want a family , and see your kids growing , watching them throwing the cap high ,you will definitely face marriage issues at one of time ; because there is conflict of interest .

 

 

 

there is no happy marriage when kids and responsibilities are involved .

 

 

SO , was anyone of you able to have a family and still able over the years keep the intimacy level shining ?

 

your opinion

 

I've been married almost 20 years. We have three children, and all of them have medical issues to some degree or another, which means a slew of medical appointments, hospital visits ans stays each month.

 

My husband is in the Forces, and as a soldier, he is away for long periods of time.

 

We are happy, and that's with plenty of stress.

 

Every relationship has stress and issues will come up. That is not the measure of a rleationship. the measure of a relationship is how you deal with it.

[understand50]

Yes, all you have to do is treat her like one......

[Cablebandit]

My wife is my girlfriend. She treats me like I'm hot stuff and I do the same to her.

 

My dad taught me, "treat a women like 'the other man' would and you will seldom have to worry about 'the other man'".

[Els]

Do you treat her like a boyfriend would? Take her out on dates, little gifts just because, little gestures of affection, etc?

[Cablebandit]

Do you treat her like a boyfriend would? Take her out on dates, little gifts just because, little gestures of affection, etc?

 

If you are talking to me, absolutely. It is indeed the little things that matter.

[King Me]

After years of pain in an incompatible relationship ; ,you will definitely face marriage issues at one of time ; because there is conflict of interest .

 

I get that you are in an incompatible relationship. Sorry about that, man.

 

there is no happy marriage when kids and responsibilities are involved .

??? Where'd that come from? Certainly there are thousands and probably millions of happy relationships where kids and responsibilities are involved!

 

Maybe you personally have a problem integrating being a stand up husband and father while at the same time keeping your relationship intimate and vital. It does take work as time goes on. And maturity. No, it's not the same as being young and having a girlfriend. Spoken from personal experience.

[Michelle ma Belle]

 

I want a wife who is a girlfriend ,this assumption was busted .There is not wife can be a girlfriend , when there are responsibilities and real life challenges ; no wife can care about you the way you want , grow up man .

 

The only case that works is when both have no stress , no responsibilities and challenges in life , if you want a family , and see your kids growing , watching them throwing the cap high ,you will definitely face marriage issues at one of time ; because there is conflict of interest .

 

there is no happy marriage when kids and responsibilities are involved .

 

 

That is one huge assumption OP.

 

I may no longer be a fan of the institution of marriage for ME but I would never go to this extreme and say that there is no such thing as a happy marriage when kids and responsibilities are involved. Where on earth do you get that?

 

I absolutely believe wives AND husbands can still be each other's boyfriends and girlfriend despite marriage and kids and mortgages and bills and all the tedious responsibilities that come with that whole package.

 

It isn't marriage that crushes the dream of connection, it's the people in the relationship that do.

 

You want to keep the love and excitement alive? Then work at it!!! It's not rocket science.

 

I've always said that complacency is the death of any kind of relationship. The moment you stop trying and begin to take your partner for granted is the moment you might as well throw in the towel and call it a day.

 

Relationships take EFFORT from BOTH people CONSISTENTLY.

 

It's really quite simple.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Speaking about my own failed marriage. Before we were married, we talked about having kids, we both wanted kids. We both talked in great length about how our lives really wouldnt change much when we had a kid, how our needs, wants and desires revolved around each other, and that our child or children will be a part of that, but not the primary focus of our lives...

 

Well, flash forward to when my now ex-wife had my son, she IMMEDIATELY changed. I can only describe it as she went into FULL MOTHER mode. Everything was all about him ALL the time. Everything we did revolved around him. I mean EVERYTHING. Intimacy was non-existent. It was 3 MONTHS before we had sex after my son was born. And it never became regular. I never got one blowjob after she gave birth. And she was a PRO at it, liked it. She gave the lame excuse of "that's the mouth I kiss our son with".

 

It wasn't just sex. It was everything. Zero activities which did not involve the kid. We both had family local willing and able to babysit. Nope, no date nights, no dinners alone. No vacations until he was 4. And then when I would suggest we do stuff together, she would play the guilt trip on me about it, saying I was neglecting our family or would make excuses why we couldnt.

 

Anyway, I gave it 8 years, the last year we were together, I think we had sex 5 times, maybe went out on one date to the movies.

 

I got to the point that I was unwilling to go through life like that. I know several other people who went through something similar. I'm not sure how you screen for women who do this. Because I thought I HAD... we had conversation after conversation about it.

 

I'm speculating here, but I think she was compensating for what amounted to a not so great childhood. She's completely smothering my son, who is 15 now, and struggling with gaining his independence. He loves staying with me because we can chill, and I don't keep constant tabs on him, let him do his own thing and be his own man.

[Cablebandit]

Speaking about my own failed marriage. Before we were married, we talked about having kids, we both wanted kids. We both talked in great length about how our lives really wouldnt change much when we had a kid, how our needs, wants and desires revolved around each other, and that our child or children will be a part of that, but not the primary focus of our lives...

 

Well, flash forward to when my now ex-wife had my son, she IMMEDIATELY changed. I can only describe it as she went into FULL MOTHER mode. Everything was all about him ALL the time. Everything we did revolved around him. I mean EVERYTHING. Intimacy was non-existent. It was 3 MONTHS before we had sex after my son was born. And it never became regular. I never got one blowjob after she gave birth. And she was a PRO at it, liked it. She gave the lame excuse of "that's the mouth I kiss our son with".

 

It wasn't just sex. It was everything. Zero activities which did not involve the kid. We both had family local willing and able to babysit. Nope, no date nights, no dinners alone. No vacations until he was 4. And then when I would suggest we do stuff together, she would play the guilt trip on me about it, saying I was neglecting our family or would make excuses why we couldnt.

 

Anyway, I gave it 8 years, the last year we were together, I think we had sex 5 times, maybe went out on one date to the movies.

 

I got to the point that I was unwilling to go through life like that. I know several other people who went through something similar. I'm not sure how you screen for women who do this. Because I thought I HAD... we had conversation after conversation about it.

 

I'm speculating here, but I think she was compensating for what amounted to a not so great childhood. She's completely smothering my son, who is 15 now, and struggling with gaining his independence. He loves staying with me because we can chill, and I don't keep constant tabs on him, let him do his own thing and be his own man.

 

I believe your story should be read by all men marrying. Not only do some women go into full mother mode but the hormone changes that often come and the dying libido can have some serious consequences. I truly believe my marriage is so great because we don't have any kids in the house or massive hormone changes from giving birth.

[Michelle ma Belle]

There is no doubt that birthing children takes a physical and hormonal toll on mothers. It's a beautiful and wondrous experience to be able to create, carry and birth life but it sometimes comes at a cost.

 

Speaking as a woman and as someone whose birthed children and gone through my own fair share of hormonal ups and downs including sever PPD, I still think women need to take some responsibility for the parts they play in the deterioration of their marriage after children.

 

This isn't to let men off the hook! Far from it but it takes two people to make or break a relationship. Relationships are also about compromises, especially when children are involved and time and energy are maxed out.

 

I've known couples who've seen their marriages fall apart before their eyes the moment children came into the picture because they forgot about their marriage and focused only on the children. And then I have friends who waded through the changes and challenges and came out the other end better and stronger as a couple because they kept their marriage a priority.

 

Again, it's a CHOICE. And if you want to have a happy marriage then you have to work at it, both of you, husband and wife all the time.

[xxoo]

Sure, my H is my boyfriend. Our kids know that

 

Speaking about my own failed marriage. Before we were married, we talked about having kids, we both wanted kids. We both talked in great length about how our lives really wouldnt change much when we had a kid, how our needs, wants and desires revolved around each other, and that our child or children will be a part of that, but not the primary focus of our lives...

 

Well, flash forward to when my now ex-wife had my son, she IMMEDIATELY changed. I can only describe it as she went into FULL MOTHER mode. Everything was all about him ALL the time. Everything we did revolved around him. I mean EVERYTHING. Intimacy was non-existent. It was 3 MONTHS before we had sex after my son was born. And it never became regular. I never got one blowjob after she gave birth. And she was a PRO at it, liked it. She gave the lame excuse of "that's the mouth I kiss our son with".

 

It wasn't just sex. It was everything. Zero activities which did not involve the kid. We both had family local willing and able to babysit. Nope, no date nights, no dinners alone. No vacations until he was 4. And then when I would suggest we do stuff together, she would play the guilt trip on me about it, saying I was neglecting our family or would make excuses why we couldnt.

 

Anyway, I gave it 8 years, the last year we were together, I think we had sex 5 times, maybe went out on one date to the movies.

 

I got to the point that I was unwilling to go through life like that. I know several other people who went through something similar. I'm not sure how you screen for women who do this. Because I thought I HAD... we had conversation after conversation about it.

 

I'm speculating here, but I think she was compensating for what amounted to a not so great childhood. She's completely smothering my son, who is 15 now, and struggling with gaining his independence. He loves staying with me because we can chill, and I don't keep constant tabs on him, let him do his own thing and be his own man.

 

I don't know how much attitude matters, but I will say that I was just like your wife when I had my babies---completely baby focused--and I think that's perfectly normal for a season. One marked difference is that my H supported that. He found that beautiful and admired it. He was patient and supportive of this special time. He certainly never asked me to separate from my baby, which would not have gone over well!

 

There is a natural separation when it isn't forced. As that child started to walk, the child walked away from me. ANd it has been a continuous process of our children growing more and more independent from that very first step. And each time, my husband was right there to place his own hand in the hand that the child had released

 

Our sex life is great. It wasn't so great when they were babies, but that's normal.

[JoeSmith357-1]

This isn't to let men off the hook! Far from it but it takes two people to make or break a relationship. Relationships are also about compromises, especially when children are involved and time and energy are maxed out.

 

I need to call attention to that one statement: It takes 2 people to MAKE a relationship. It can take nothing more than the a single person to BREAK one, although in many cases both contribute. Not always, especially in this regard.

 

I've known couples who've seen their marriages fall apart before their eyes the moment children came into the picture because they forgot about their marriage and focused only on the children. And then I have friends who waded through the changes and challenges and came out the other end better and stronger as a couple because they kept their marriage a priority.

 

I agree

 

Again, it's a CHOICE. And if you want to have a happy marriage then you have to work at it, both of you, husband and wife all the time.

 

Yes, it is a choice, and when one half of the marriage decides to dedicate ONLY on their kids, that can kill it.

Edited June 28, 2016 by JoeSmith357-1

[Michelle ma Belle]

I need to call attention to that one statement: It takes 2 people to MAKE a relationship. It can take nothing more than the a single person to BREAK one, although in many cases both contribute. Not always, especially in this regard.

 

I agree

 

Yes, it is a choice, and when one half of the marriage decides to dedicate ONLY on their kids, that can kill it.

 

Absolutely which is why I'm calling out women specifically on this subject.

 

I would never dare minimize what women go through when they birth children and all that that involves. Men don't have the faintest idea what women go through or understand just how difficult and challenging it can be for us at the best of times never mind when you throw in a postpartum depression, other birth and recovery complications, and just adjusting to a whole new normal.

 

But at some point, when the dust begins to settle, each partner needs to look up from what they're doing and take inventory of their marriage and remember why married each other in the first place. The ultimate goal is to never lose site of that even in the midst of the chaos that often accompanies raising a family.

 

You both have got to want it in the end. Regardless of anything.

[Els]

If you are talking to me, absolutely. It is indeed the little things that matter.

 

No, I was asking the question of the OP, since he has been moaning quite a bit about his wife.

 

I am glad you do that though.

[Els]

Anyway, as for the topic in general, I'm probably in the middle about it. I do think that ideally couples should be able to retain all of the intimacy and romance they had before, even after they have kids, but I know in reality it probably isn't that simple, especially when the kids are young. I've heard of couples who are still really living it up despite having kids, but in most cases such couples have extremely fortuitious circumstances - babysitting on tap, relaxing jobs, a good amount of money to pay for conveniences, etc. Couples who aren't so fortunate typically have to do a bit of a juggling act, I think.

 

I mean, I really love the life that my SO and I have. We can have awesome sex anywhere in the house anytime we want, with the only caveat that it can't be on a day when he's rostered for a 16-hour shift. We can lie in together all morning on weekends, then go out for brunch with just the two of us, then come home for 'afternoon delights', play some games together, and go watch a movie later.

 

But I imagine that if we ever had kids, much of that would have to change. You can't just leave your kids alone all weekend. Sure there are ways of getting around it, but it wouldn't be the same. I think people will probably need to be able to adjust to a different definition of romance and intimacy after having kids. Some couples adjust wonderfully, perhaps viewing outings with the kids as 'bonding time'. And some don't.

[usa1ah]

Wow, how long have you been in depression. Other people can not make you happy, you have to chose to be. happiness comes from inside. How the hell are you going to treat your wife like a girlfriend feeling the way you do. Not possible what so ever. Get help and get moving into recovery.