Divorced, but financially attached

[Love2015]

Long story short. Married March 2015- He cheated...got caught. left October 2015 to live with her. I was in shock, begged to try go Counselling...in hindsight humiliate myself. I wanted to amicably do the divorce. He not cooperates so I filed divorce based on Adultery. He was stalling to be served...was served...never replied to it and default judgement for divorce was given.

 

Law where I live is matrimonial property is 50/50. I live in it. He continues paying some of the mortgage. I have tried to reason with him to amicably divide all and do the next steps: sell and end.

 

HE IS NOT COOPERATING! He only talks about to common people that he communicates with me (lie) and that I want to just see him and he has moved on. I email..no reply...call maybe once..no reply- When he replies ....after I threaten to get a lawyers involved...he just references he want to come to the house and pick some stuff but I should not be present and he wants access to the photos and videos of wedding. Now...I have emailed him to come pick his stuff ...and also have packed it and put in storage (as I was hurt seeing things of him as reminder) and have told him clearly he can come whenever he wants. I also told him..it hurts he says I should not be present but he still continues saying on purpose.

 

Our friends.....do not have any advice for me anymore. I can stay here and let him continue pay half of his share...but memories haunt me....or how do I proceed? I would like NOT to have lawyers involved.

[PegNosePete]

I would like NOT to have lawyers involved.

And I would like NOT to pay taxes, NOT to have to cut my grass, and NOT go to work 8 hours a day! Unfortunately we sometimes have to do things we do NOT want to.

 

This is one of those times. He has quite clearly shown that he will NOT co-operate willingly and amicably. The only way to force him to do so, is to take him to court. It's possible to do that without lawyers, but I would very much advise against it.

[Liam1]

Long story short. Married March 2015- He cheated...got caught. left October 2015 to live with her. I was in shock, begged to try go Counselling...in hindsight humiliate myself. I wanted to amicably do the divorce. He not cooperates so I filed divorce based on Adultery. He was stalling to be served...was served...never replied to it and default judgement for divorce was given.

 

Law where I live is matrimonial property is 50/50. I live in it. He continues paying some of the mortgage. I have tried to reason with him to amicably divide all and do the next steps: sell and end.

 

HE IS NOT COOPERATING! He only talks about to common people that he communicates with me (lie) and that I want to just see him and he has moved on. I email..no reply...call maybe once..no reply- When he replies ....after I threaten to get a lawyers involved...he just references he want to come to the house and pick some stuff but I should not be present and he wants access to the photos and videos of wedding. Now...I have emailed him to come pick his stuff ...and also have packed it and put in storage (as I was hurt seeing things of him as reminder) and have told him clearly he can come whenever he wants. I also told him..it hurts he says I should not be present but he still continues saying on purpose.

 

Our friends.....do not have any advice for me anymore. I can stay here and let him continue pay half of his share...but memories haunt me....or how do I proceed? I would like NOT to have lawyers involved.

 

Get an attorney, pronto.

 

They will ask a judge to court order a sale of the house and division of property.

 

Because the divorce was based on an affair, the judge will likely grant you somewhat more than half of the assets.

 

Also, if you worked while he was in school, or relocated for him, the judge will award you more than 50/50 even in a 50/50 state or no fault state.

 

Your husband sounds nasty, so be prepared for him to get ugly.

[minimariah]

get a lawyer IMMEDIATELY - wake up, take this seriously, this man is not your friend and start protecting yourself.

[Angelica21]

Could someone please clarify for me, and original poster Love2015, what generally happens in a 50/50 state when a divorce has been finalized via default judgment and therefore, as she indicated, financial arrangements still remain?

 

Assuming that she does hire an attorney, as so many people wisely suggested, how does it then proceed through the court system? Does the attorney file a new petition called something like "Petition for Court-Ordered Division of Assets" or some-such?

 

If that is approved, then Love2015 and her attorney make decisions to sell the house herself and provide ex-h's share to him, or if she wants to stay in the house then she makes arrangements to take his name off the mortgage and re-mortgage herself, plus get the quit-claim deed filed, etc, etc?

 

I would imagine that each of those legal steps will be quite time-consuming and a big hassle, even though as someone else said, it must be done.

 

Love2015, I think it's pretty clear that you need to get an attorney and get started, before something bad happens like he stops paying his part of the mortgage. Anything wacky that he does can and will affect YOUR credit rating and credit score.

[carhill]

In my jurisdiction, if the plaintiff motions the court for default judgment on the original filing, generally the court follows statute applicable to the original motions and enters the judgment in the record. If the parties don't follow the judgment, then the damaged party generally will end up either back in an attorneys office or, at worst, back in court to collect on the judgment, no different than collecting on any lawsuit judgment.

 

This is where details become important; for example, one MW I knew had her lawyer put a fees clause in the agreement so if her H refused to satisfy the judgment, the agreement stipulated that he'd pay her attorney's fees for pursuing it. She did it because he owned a couple of ranches and knew he'd be reluctant to follow the court's order. She was right, he didn't and the process drug out for nearly seven years after they bifurcated the original filing. Bifurcation is where the dissolution is granted and the financial stuff is settled out later, evidently not unheard of with complex asset mixes like theirs.

 

Unfortunately, in cases like the OP's, an attorney and even the sheriff may need to get involved. Anyone who's ever done a till tap with the sheriff can vouch for that being all kinds of fun. People and their obsession with money. Interesting world.

[Angelica21]

Thank you for the explanation, carhill.

 

Love2015, I'm so sorry you're in this situation with an ex-spouse who won't cooperate to get the financials done. Considering that he didn't cooperate for the divorce itself, he probably won't cooperate for the follow-up financials either. That's why you need an attorney to push things along.

 

One idea that might frighten your ex into cooperating: tell him that you are planning to stop paying the mortgage on the house. (even if that's not true!). Remind him that his name is on the mortgage, and your failure to pay will trash his credit rating and credit score. Tell him that you don't even care what happens to your own credit rating, you just want to get him and his finances out of your life.

[Mumbles]

Ahh, this stuff is hard. It took me nearly three years to disentangle the 50/50 assets thing from my first wife ... and we were relatively amicable.

 

The thing is, you really need to make the split of assets because otherwise both parties continue to own 50%. In the case of a house, its likely, though not a given, that this asset will continue to appreciate over time. So, you are essentially continuing to engage in a business venture with your ex. When it comes time to sell, its still going to be 50/50 split. You can then find yourself in a whole new argument over things like maintenance, upkeep, cleaning, presentation ... all things that might or might not have a perception of monetary value attached. The arguments could go on for years.

 

If he simply won't go along with the idea then its time to take a step back and bring in 'disinterested' third parties ... lawyers essentially. They can negotiate either directly with him or with his lawyers and because it becomes purely about the law at that point pretty much all the emotion and game playing can't, for practical purposes, exist. Yes, folks can still put up a struggle and cause delays, but, ultimately, there are usually legal measures in most jurisdictions to move forward a case that is otherwise stuck because of petulance and half decent lawyers will know how to utilise these tools.

 

PS - oh, one more thing. Get one or more 'quantity surveyors' or the equivalent for where you live, to come in to quantify, in monetary terms, the value of the house and chattels -right now-. Its important to draw a line in the sand in relation to current value ... not the perception of value later on, perhaps years later on.

Edited June 28, 2016 by Mumbles

[Liam1]

Ahh, this stuff is hard. It took me nearly three years to disentangle the 50/50 assets thing from my first wife ... and we were relatively amicable.

 

The thing is, you really need to make the split of assets because otherwise both parties continue to own 50%. In the case of a house, its likely, though not a given, that this asset will continue to appreciate over time. So, you are essentially continuing to engage in a business venture with your ex. When it comes time to sell, its still going to be 50/50 split. You can then find yourself in a whole new argument over things like maintenance, upkeep, cleaning, presentation ... all things that might or might not have a perception of monetary value attached. The arguments could go on for years.

 

If he simply won't go along with the idea then its time to take a step back and bring in 'disinterested' third parties ... lawyers essentially. They can negotiate either directly with him or with his lawyers and because it becomes purely about the law at that point pretty much all the emotion and game playing can't, for practical purposes, exist. Yes, folks can still put up a struggle and cause delays, but, ultimately, there are usually legal measures in most jurisdictions to move forward a case that is otherwise stuck because of petulance and half decent lawyers will know how to utilise these tools.

 

PS - oh, one more thing. Get one or more 'quantity surveyors' or the equivalent for where you live, to come in to quantify, in monetary terms, the value of the house and chattels -right now-. Its important to draw a line in the sand in relation to current value ... not the perception of value later on, perhaps years later on.

 

Agreed.

 

Also the laws vary buy state and that is why it is important to get an attorney.

[Love2015]

So he has decided to cooperate and work with the Realtor for property sale but when he emails me he adds stuff in reference to emotional stuff.

 

As a background... I wanted to save the marriage and offered going to Counselling to work on our issues ...even after knowing he cheated. He picked up and left to live with her instead. Then after this, he started saying I wa abusive and controlling (not once said this before or brought any issues)

 

His email I received yesterday, still says stuff like:

- I emotionally abused him

- I should look into myself and did I honestly loved and respected him?

- He says he genuinely loved me and wanted a life with me but got disrespect instead

- He says he was emotionally broken down, lost self confidence and had trust issues and had become totally dependable

 

 

Now....I went back to square one...where I ask why and want to work on our relationship....I bugged closed friends and vented. I am a total wreck and I had progressed so much and moved forward.

 

I would like your opinions / advice. I am hurting so much

[amomwhoknows]

So he has decided to cooperate and work with the Realtor for property sale but when he emails me he adds stuff in reference to emotional stuff.

 

As a background... I wanted to save the marriage and offered going to Counselling to work on our issues ...even after knowing he cheated. He picked up and left to live with her instead. Then after this, he started saying I wa abusive and controlling (not once said this before or brought any issues)

 

His email I received yesterday, still says stuff like:

- I emotionally abused him

- I should look into myself and did I honestly loved and respected him?

- He says he genuinely loved me and wanted a life with me but got disrespect instead

- He says he was emotionally broken down, lost self confidence and had trust issues and had become totally dependable

 

 

Now....I went back to square one...where I ask why and want to work on our relationship....I bugged closed friends and vented. I am a total wreck and I had progressed so much and moved forward.

 

I would like your opinions / advice. I am hurting so much

 

Liars Lie. ALL THE TIME.

 

He is gaslighting you, blaming you for his inexcusable behavior, justifying, etc. Go read Chumplady (google it) . Order her new book. Get a great therapist.

 

Sell the house. And then never, ever have communication with him again. Be grateful that he is someone else's problem.

 

Huge hugs. Sorry he did that to you. But so glad your ties are coming to an end soon.

 

PS -- make sure that any expenses (maintenance) that you have had for the house since he left are settled before he receives his portion of the equity. Reimburse yourself.

[Angelica21]

I'm so, so sorry that you are hurting.

 

This is not your fault.

 

Do not listen to anything that he says. Do not believe anything that he says.

 

When he sends you an email, skip over all the s*** he writes. Pretend like you are reading a magazine, and his words are for an advertisement that does not interest you.

 

Get the financial stuff done.

 

Don't cry any more tears about this man. He is an a******.

 

After a while, you will feel better, and then you will be happy as a single woman, or you will be happy when you find a new boyfriend or a new husband.

 

You will be happy again, and you will forget all about this man.

 

Don't bother complaining to your friends about him; your friends are tired of hearing about it.

[Love2015]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I have been moving so much and now since those last words, I feel like crap. It's been 3 days and I kind help but repeat what he wrote in my head. It is very anxiety provoking. And the "but why..did this happen....and the anger associated with it...also is present"

 

It is unhealthy but I am identifying it as I know it is bad. I had asked to move on..so long ago without being drastic....but nope he didn't.

 

Now, it's like he has upper hand as I allowed his words to affect me :-(

 

Low self esteem..

[Mr. Lucky]

Low self esteem..

 

"Vulnerable time" might be a better way to think about it.

 

Truth is he was a self-centered cheating jerk when you were married. Did you expect divorce to change him? Based on what you read here, not very likely.

 

Work on living well and moving forward, effectively putting him and his thoughts in the rear mirror. Time will give you better perspective...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PegNosePete]

I would like your opinions / advice. I am hurting so much

Did you take the advice given by several people above, and see a lawyer?

 

You could tell him "Please don't communicate with me directly, send all correspondence through my lawyer" but that can get very expensive very quickly.

 

Ignore everything he says that is not directly connected to the house sale. Only respond in a business like manner to the house sale stuff. Ignore the rest totally.

Edited July 11, 2016 by PegNosePete

[stillafool]

Has he picked up his stuff yet and did you leave as he requested?

[DancingInTheDark85]

That situation seems very complicated, and unfortunate. Maybe he doesn't know it, but he isn't making this process any easier for himself by delaying the inevitable. I agree, lawyers are expensive and difficult and often extend the process. If you can agree on your terms, once he comes around and gets reasonable, you should check out this product. http://www.thistoo.co/ It seems so cheap that it's worth the look. Otherwise ya, unfortunately you probably need lawyers. Good luck with this!

[Love2015]

Has he picked up his stuff yet and did you leave as he requested?

 

He has not picked up his stuff even though since April he can come and get his stuff on his own. Three weeks in a row, he said he was going to come..he didn't. His stuff in storage room...he can get it whenever he wants....I have been not around ...been for trips...never came to pick up his stuff. I don't talk about it anymore..is annoying...as he had the green light and still continued saying I want to pick up my stuff and you should not be around!

[PegNosePete]

Three weeks in a row, he said he was going to come..he didn't.

Tell him he has one week to collect his stuff otherwise it will be put by the road side with a sign saying "free stuff".

 

(Don't actually do that without checking with a lawyer, but telling him you're going to do it might be the kick up the bum he needs)

[DustyBoot]

1) His Stuff. Get it out of the house. Any place where he can get it any time, without you being there. Will a friend hang onto it? Best - a friend who's closer to him than you.

 

2) If the court made a judgement that says 50/50, and he is not cooperating in the 50/50 decree, then he is possibly in contempt of court. No lawyers required. Call the court (court clerk is the title of the correct person to call in most jurisdictions), and explain the situation.

 

Family courts vary tremendously in their willingness to get involved. Where I live, the courts seem to want to put lawyers out of business. Here, if you were to approach the court, they'd attempt to contact him and get it resolved, but they won't be patient. If, after one contact, he agrees to a date by which it will be resolved, and that date passes, they will issue a warrant for his arrest.

 

However, if your jurisdiction's courts are less inclined to get involved, the court clerk may recommend you hire an attorney...you won't know until you talk to the court.

 

 

I had an ex situation that was similar. I had left the house, and took all my stuff. She didn't want to sell the house, it was a testimonial to her financial success and without it, she'd feel like a failure. But she needed my income to pay the mortgage. So, I just told her I couldn't afford rent and mortgage, "so you'll have to cover the entire mortgage until it's sold". She put it on the market next day. I think part of what helped is that I have a debt-free mentality, therefore I don't give two hoots about my credit score, but to her, credit score is a heavenly number, so she didn't want to risk hers.

 

 

Good luck!

[Love2015]

Hello! Mr.X is participating on the surface but is he ?

I talked to the lawyer and yes I could use them but will be expensive but then he started communicating so I thought ok better do it and wrap up.

Now 3 weeks have passed and a realtor has not even been chosen! He keeps on going back and forth buto the decision has not been made. Ufff it sucks! I am living in the house so it annoys me even further! I am not over him emotionally which makes it hard ....I have not healed. It is hard as I remember who we were and I feel sad. I am getting bitter and bitter by the day. I know it is myself I have to control but it is consuming me.

I am contemplating to rent and pay 1/2 mortgage at same time which means I will have to live very pay check to paycheck. It would be waste of money. I am far better when I am outside the house. That is the reason I did not buy him out to begin with.

I also have been thinking of renting a storage and putting my stuff there except clothes so then I can start selling joint stuff. That mean I will do all the work.

what is the best thing go do?

[Angelica21]

 

what is the best thing go do?

 

 

Do everything by yourself, not with him.

 

Contact a realtor yourself, and get the real estate agent's contract. Carry the real estate agent's contract to your ex-husband in person, and ask him to sign it.

 

Then have the real estate agent list and sell the house. When the real estate agent finds a buyer, carry the house sale contract to your ex-husband in person and ask him to sign it.

 

Find a new place for yourself to live. Move into your new home with your own stuff only. If you need to store any of your own stuff in a storage locker, do that.

 

Make arrangements for a donation company to come to the house and take any of your ex-husband's stuff that they want. Then call 1-800-GOT-JUNK to clean out anything else.