LunaticFringeLady Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 (edited) Hello guys, new here. I have been in my current relationship for a little over a year now and at first everything about him seemed so perfect. After about 3 months tho his true colors started to emerge. Something about him is just not right. I have always felt lied to and deceived in one way or another. I do believe he is faithful but something tells me I am being used or maybe he is in denial about the way he truly feels about me out of fear of being alone. He suffers from a lot of mental disorders such as severe anxiety and depression and a lack of self confidence. It has been nothing but constant arguments and fights between us. We just do not communicate well at all. I feel so much anxiety just being around him because it feels like I'm expected to act a certain way or he thinks I don't care. He wants me there with him 24/7 and its like he expects me to have an answer for everything. I can't take this anymore. I want to break up with him and I don't have the strength to go thru with it. I have tried several times and caved every time. He tell me he loves me and that I'm all he has left in this world, that he has no one else to turn to. He is living with me right now and has been out of work due to an automobile accident and really has no where else to go which even makes it harder. The biggest problem is he is wanting commitment. He has asked me to marry him several times and I keep reassuring him that I want to, and that I want to be with him forever. But I'm only saying these things because I know its what he wants to hear, and I know how bad the fight would be if I told him how I really feel. He always tells me to never lead him on, and I been doing just that for months now. I have never felt so trapped in a relationship in all my life, and never found it so hard to break up with someone, but he is so fragile. Sorry for such a long rambly post. Edited June 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge and paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 If someone with personal problems fails to address and deal with them, they often end up dragging others down with them. By not taking charge of his problems, he is instead hurting you and beating you down. Sorry but if he truly cared, he would see this and do something about it. You're being pushed away because of his actions (or lack of them). You need to tell him straight that his anxiety and depression needs professional help, before his problems become your problems too. You're suffering and sadly it's not going to get any better until one of you makes a major change. I don't envy where he is mentally, but doing nothing about it will not make it go away. It's selfish to hurt others because you refuse to get help. You should never feel trapped in a relationship - that isn't love, it's abuse, it's control, guilt trip. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LunaticFringeLady Posted June 27, 2016 Author Share Posted June 27, 2016 I totally agree with you. He is seeing a therapist but it's like he has totally lost his will to live or get better. After his injury he thinks he is worthless. He is also going thru allot with his ex. She has not let him see his 2 daughters in over a year. They won't even talk to him because she has turned them against him. He thinks this is all his fault even tho he is a good father to them and always made sure they came first and has always paid his child support because he wants to take care of them. He messages them on Facebook every night and gets no response. He says he wants to die because his kids hate him. He takes this out on me in ways he don't even realize. I have tried to be there for him but he pushes me away and becomes withdrawn. There are times when he has gone a week barely even speaking to me. Also he is bad at the gilt trip thing. I think deep down he knows how I'm truly feeling but uses it against me. I feel sometimes that he carries on about things that bother him just to make me feel bad for not loving him or "being there" for him. I find myself needing more and more time away from him just for the sake of sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Everything you write is heartbreaking and makes sense. I applaud your grace until now. You are a strong person. You know it's unhealthy, and he will continue to drag you under until you become unhealthy also. Please find the courage soon to end it and send him out on his own. You cannot save him, he has to make that journey for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LunaticFringeLady Posted June 27, 2016 Author Share Posted June 27, 2016 I know I need to end this. I have taken every avenue I can possibly think of to do so and faltered every time. He has his way of making me feel so guilty like breaking up with him is worst mistake I will ever make. In his eyes I have no reason to feel this way and he thinks a year of what he calls good memories should be enough to keep us together. Sure we have had some good times together, but we have mostly fought and misunderstood each other from the beginning. This is already affecting my emotional well being. I don't know why I just can't find the strength to stick to my decision because I know it's what I really want. I know he also doubt's our relationship himself and is on constant edge over it just like I am. I wish he too would realize it's over and we both would be better off without each other. If anyone has any ideas at all how I can make him see, please let me know. Nothing I try works. I get a guilt trip every time. I can't stand it anymore. Why do I keep lying to him and leading him on? I think I'm actually afraid of what he may do. Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 This is way outside my knowledge base so I suggest reading some of the "heavier" threads and searching for threads where physical harm may be an issue. There's a sticky "always on top" thread under Coping which may help. Perhaps his therapist can advise you? If not, find one to discuss this with first? Only personal advice i have is to take time to craft a good letter to help you explain. He likely will need time and reinforcement to understand what's actually happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LunaticFringeLady Posted June 27, 2016 Author Share Posted June 27, 2016 OK I will try that thanks. One question tho, and I have always asked myself the same thing. Do you think he truly loves me or is he purposely trying to use me and hurt me and drag me down emotionally? Our fights also used to get physical. Not so much anymore because we promised each other to stop. It sometimes seems like he is serious about the way he feels about me and is legitamatly afraid I'm going to leave him. Is this because he really loves me or he knows I'm catching on to him and he's afraid of losing his "property". I have been told before that he is abusing me and I have denied it but now I'm beginning to wonder. Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 The biggest problem is he is wanting commitment. He has asked me to marry him several times and I keep reassuring him that I want to, and that I want to be with him forever. But I'm only saying these things because I know its what he wants to hear OMG, why on earth are you doing that? I can tell you that is just going to make it worse down the road for you... and I know how bad the fight would be if I told him how I really feel. He always tells me to never lead him on, and I been doing just that for months now. Yeah, you should not be doing that. No matter how much it might hurt, you need to cut the cord. You are leading to something bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 OK I will try that thanks. One question tho, and I have always asked myself the same thing. Do you think he truly loves me or is he purposely trying to use me and hurt me and drag me down emotionally? ... he's afraid of losing his "property". I have been told before that he is abusing me and I have denied it but now I'm beginning to wonder. You answer yourself without knowing it. First, love has no fixed definition, but by any stretch this broken man does not love you. It is unlikely he knows what love is because of his issues. As for abuse, wonder no more. Physical violence, suicidal threats, threats in general, feeling guilty and entrapped... all sound obviously abusive and I'm just a bystander. Do you really wonder why his ex doesn't let him near the kids? She turned them against him because HE REALLY IS A MONSTER! Take him off his victim pedestal and find the resources you need to end it. Pack quickly while he is out, bring a neutral male friend, move out and leave the letter. If you must see him in person, have the male friend there at the door, make it quick, give him the letter, gtfo. Again, build the support you need ahead and get somewhere safe if you think he may hurt himself or you. keep reading. Others have left abuse and you will too! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LunaticFringeLady Posted June 27, 2016 Author Share Posted June 27, 2016 A major problem I have is he will never leave the house, and if he does he always makes me go with him. All he does is lay in bed all day claiming he's to hurt or sick to get up and he expects me to stay in there with him 24/7 if I don't he accuses me of not being there for him. He does not come out and say it, as he dont with anything. He uses inuindows to say the things he's trying to tell me so if I ever confront him about anything he can deny saying it. If that makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
bummer Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 So you basically have an ultra high maintenance depressed piece of furniture in your house. Hopefully someone smarter jumps in... but I'd either leave as previously advised and give him two weeks to leave jimself if you trust him to not break your house and to actually leave. Or you need to have a frank conversation stating he needs to leave by x date. Have a neutral male friend or family member of yours come and stay. Both of you help him leave and go somewhere. His family. The homeless shelter. A clinic.... it sounds painful and I'm sure it will be but drastic behaviour like his demands drastic actions. Just don't do it alone. Find some.friend or family who can help you please. Heck, try calling his ex as an option and if sympathetic, perhaps she can explain how to get rid of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Trinity_84 Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 I wish he too would realize it's over and we both would be better off without each other. A relationship IS over when one of the two people feel it's over. It only takes that one person. End it now for your own well-being, and make sure you don't look back. He is a grown man and can take care of himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LunaticFringeLady Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 I have been dating this guy for a year and he has become really serious about me, and has even asked me to marry him. He is a very fragile guy and constantly wants reassurance that I really want to be with him forever. He even says things like "I don't want to introduce you to my family and other things if you are not serious" The truth is I'm not and I don't know how to tell him. We have had a lot of bad things such as fighting and so much miscommunication that I feel like I have completely lost the feelings I once had for him. I just keep leading him on tho telling him everything he wants to hear and constantly reassuring him that everything is OK. I have done this so much that it would crush him if I told him the truth, because I have finally gained his trust. He always tells me he hates games and liers which even makes it harder. What should I do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 What should I do? Stop lying and playing games. No one likes to be lied to. Tell this man how you really feel and let him go. People get physically hurt by playing with peoples emotions. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Tahirthegreat Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 You do it because you dont have enough decency to tell this man the truth. Dont be one of those horrible people, let him ko=now how you feel so he can move on with his life 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LunaticFringeLady Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 I know you guys are right and I know it is wrong to lead anyone on but truthfully I am afraid of him. I don't know if any of you guys have read any other of my posts, but maybe I should have gone more into the history of my relationship with this guy. I do truly believe he loves me but it I feel that I am being manipulated into feeling the same way for him, and for a while I did. We have had bad physical fights and he can be abusive and as long as he really believes everything is OK, he seems to be good to me but it's always on conditions, if I ever give him doubt's about anything it normally leads to violence. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Fragile or not, he deserves better. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 I know you guys are right and I know it is wrong to lead anyone on but truthfully I am afraid of him. I don't know if any of you guys have read any other of my posts, but maybe I should have gone more into the history of my relationship with this guy. I do truly believe he loves me but it I feel that I am being manipulated into feeling the same way for him, and for a while I did. We have had bad physical fights and he can be abusive and as long as he really believes everything is OK, he seems to be good to me but it's always on conditions, if I ever give him doubt's about anything it normally leads to violence. This is the guy that dragged you by your hair across the room? You truly believe he loves you? Abuse is about control not love. There's all kinds of dysfunction going on -- not just with him but with you as well. It's almost as if you're oblivious to the real issues here. You can't commit because you know it's not what you deserve but you stay because you lack self-value and self-respect. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LunaticFringeLady Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 Yes this is the same guy. I know deep down that surely he can't love me after everything he has put me through, but why does he seem so serious when he says he does and always talking about our future plans together and telling everything he wants to make right in my life? I know that maybe I'm in denial thinking that he had changed, but then if I truly believed that too then why did I fall out of love with him and why am I still afraid of him. It's all so confusing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Yes this is the same guy. I know deep down that surely he can't love me after everything he has put me through, but why does he seem so serious when he says he does and always talking about our future plans together and telling everything he wants to make right in my life? I know that maybe I'm in denial thinking that he had changed, but then if I truly believed that too then why did I fall out of love with him and why am I still afraid of him. It's all so confusing. The mindset of a battered woman. My mother after getting punched in the face. A hour later my father, sobbing and that he's sorry and wants to do his best for her. She smiles and believes he loves her. A week later she gets a punch in the gut because she didn't do what he said. That is what abusers do - give you empty promises and empty declarations of "love" to manipulate and control an already weak victim. Where are your children when he is dragging you on the floor by your hair or being violent? Are they witness to this behavior? Are they there watching the violence? As a parent, your number one priority is to protect your children. If you can't be strong enough and do the right thing for yourself, then leave for your children because the last thing you should be doing is exposing them to anymore dysfunctional behavior on both your parts. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 This is the cycle of abuse in short form: Seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > abuse. And so it goes, forever and ever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LunaticFringeLady Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 This is the cycle of abuse in short form: Seduction > A brief period of happiness > Abuse > Re-seduction > A brief period of happiness > abuse. And so it goes, forever and ever. Honestly I'm beginning to see this pattern, and I'm thinking the confusion I'm feeling at this moment is because right now he's going thru "the good" phase where he is promising me the world. It's funny how he gets like this a few days after we fight and I threaten leaving him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 He is a very fragile guy and constantly wants reassurance that I really want to be with him forever. Stop seeing him as fragile and incapable of dealing with the truth. Your view of him does not help, you are enabling his anxiety which is just about the least helpful thing to do. If you had instead been honest with him, he would have been upset but confronted his anxiety well before it got to this level of deception. No-one needs your pity. I just keep leading him on tho telling him everything he wants to hear and constantly reassuring him that everything is OK. I have done this so much that it would crush him if I told him the truth, because I have finally gained his trust. He always tells me he hates games and liers which even makes it harder. What should I do? You realise you made a grievous mistake, you find some integrity and you tell him the truth. This will do wonders for your self respect. Right now you are the liar he so fears, how is that helpful to him? You also realise that he will not break because you are no longer there to prop him up with your lies. He is capable of dealing with the truth, you are capable of telling it. Even if to date you have managed to kid yourself that you somehow had good intentions. You swallow the bitter pill that you have compounded the pain this will involve by intentionally being deceptive and you live with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Honestly I'm beginning to see this pattern, and I'm thinking the confusion I'm feeling at this moment is because right now he's going thru "the good" phase where he is promising me the world. It's funny how he gets like this a few days after we fight and I threaten leaving him. I read your other thread in the Abuse forum. He's moved in with you? Your children are there with you and this creep? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Ignore my previous post. You didn't provide all the information so I just posted off the original. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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