Author LunaticFringeLady Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 Yes he is living with me and my children. I know this was a bad move on my part. I trusted him way to soon and now I'm paying for it. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this. I never ever imagined myself allowing someone to do this to me. I always wondered in the past why abused women don't just leave. Why do they continue to be abused even tho they know it's happening? The truth is it's much harder than one would think. Abusers are really good manipulators and they will say and do anything to make you feel guilty. He always somehow makes me feel that I'm to blame for everything. Yes I know I've done my wrong in this relationship too, but does that justify the things he does to me? He is good at using inuindows to get his point across so that he can't take the blame for saying what he's really saying. He is very clever and knows just how to get his way without any proof of guilt, if that makes any sense, therefore I can't say "well you've said and done this to me, so I have a reason to feel this way" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LunaticFringeLady Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 Ignore my previous post. You didn't provide all the information so I just posted off the original. It's OK that's my fault. I could see where one would come to this conclusion without the whole story. Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 I have been dating this guy for a year and he has become really serious about me, and has even asked me to marry him. He is a very fragile guy and constantly wants reassurance that I really want to be with him forever. He even says things like "I don't want to introduce you to my family and other things if you are not serious" The truth is I'm not and I don't know how to tell him. We have had a lot of bad things such as fighting and so much miscommunication that I feel like I have completely lost the feelings I once had for him. I just keep leading him on tho telling him everything he wants to hear and constantly reassuring him that everything is OK. I have done this so much that it would crush him if I told him the truth, because I have finally gained his trust. He always tells me he hates games and liers which even makes it harder. What should I do? Your going to see a hundred more posts all worded differently but the bottom line is no one deserves abuse, and it is abusive to expose your children to it. Make a plan and get out and dont look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LunaticFringeLady Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 The mindset of a battered woman. My mother after getting punched in the face. A hour later my father, sobbing and that he's sorry and wants to do his best for her. She smiles and believes he loves her. A week later she gets a punch in the gut because she didn't do what he said. That is what abusers do - give you empty promises and empty declarations of "love" to manipulate and control an already weak victim. Where are your children when he is dragging you on the floor by your hair or being violent? Are they witness to this behavior? Are they there watching the violence? As a parent, your number one priority is to protect your children. If you can't be strong enough and do the right thing for yourself, then leave for your children because the last thing you should be doing is exposing them to anymore dysfunctional behavior on both your parts. Thankfully he will not do these things in front of the children. We have fought in the bedroom tho and I know they have heard it. He yells at me because he thinks I'm the one who is being loud enough for them to hear. I get told I have no respect for them because I don't care of they hear "me" fighting. It does not even register the things he is saying to their mother that is loud enough due them to hear, because he can say some pretty awful things. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 (edited) Thankfully he will not do these things in front of the children. We have fought in the bedroom tho and I know they have heard it. He yells at me because he thinks I'm the one who is being loud enough for them to hear. I get told I have no respect for them because I don't care of they hear "me" fighting. It does not even register the things he is saying to their mother that is loud enough due them to hear, because he can say some pretty awful things. Oh, just you wait. Only a matter of time before he starts raising his hands on your kids. Your relationship is relatively new and chances are, once he is deemed secure in your relationship and he knows he's not going anywhere, trust there will be no boundaries kept when it comes to you or your children. When you first met him, you thought he was perfect. In a year he's now an abuser. Don't speak so quick as to think he will NOT do these things infront or to the kids. Just because they don't see it doesn't mean it isn't damaging to them. I will tell you that as a child I grew up in fear LISTENING to the abuse. When they closed the bedroom door and I knew something was happening to my mom. That anxiety and stress. And that trauma will last a child a lifetime. It breaks their self-esteem. It teaches them that abuse is acceptable. It creates dysfunctional behavior. It instills rage and confusion. You need to start thinking not just about yourself and this "love" you so called believe it is and focus on your priorities. You are doing a great disservice to your children. Again, if you have no courage or strength to do right by you, your children should be your motivation to get out and create a healthy environment for them to thrive in. You want to f' up your life, by all means keep doing what you're doing but this isn't about you anymore. Edited June 28, 2016 by Zahara 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 It does not even register the things he is saying to their mother that is loud enough due them to hear, because he can say some pretty awful things. It is NOT his responsibility to protect them. It is YOURS. Are you even reading what you write? Wake up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 There is no excuse for allowing a guy that is abusive to move in with your children. Your first obligation is to keep yourself and your children safe. You know what you need to do - do it! Link to post Share on other sites
JoeSmith357-1 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Jesus, what is wrong with you... you shouldnt be playing games with people's emotions Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Just reread your last post - if you think that it is ok that he doesn't physically abuse you in front of your children and that they don't know what's happening in the home, whether they actually see it happen or not - you are mistaken! Stop making excuses for his behavior and your unwillingness to do something about it. Protect your children and get out! Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Because you love the attention and stroking of your ego 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 (edited) OP, what makes the fact you tolerate such insidious and horrendous abuse so baffling is you don't even have feelings for him anymore! We have had a lot of bad things such as fighting and so much miscommunication that I feel like I have completely lost the feelings I once had for him. I mean dragging you on the floor by your hair? Girl are you out of your mind? What are you thinking staying with an idiot like this, and you don't even have feelings for him anymore! Because he is "fragile" and you feel sorry for him? Give me a break... After you leave this utterly toxic situation, please seek professional help. There is something very off with how your brain processes information. I don't say this to offend or insult, but to help because something is seriously off-kilter here..... and you have your kids to consider. Best of luck. Edited June 29, 2016 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 It sounds a very difficult situation. He does sound vulnerable with the nervous illnesses but then that is not your fault and if you do not wish to continue a relationship with him, you need to give him notice. I think it's important you let him know that things are not wonderful though. If you have been hiding your true feelings, it will be a greater shock to him. Let him know you are not feeling good about the relationship and let that sink in for a while before telling him he needs to find somewhere else. What are the 'true colours' that you describe. You feel lied to - why? Have you got any evidence of his lying about having other relationships? You don't have to have evidence of any kind to end a relationship you are unhappy with - that is just your right as a human being - but it might help us to offer advice if we knew more about your concerns there. The baseline is you are not happy with him and want him out. There is really no way round this other than asking him to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 I have been dating this guy for a year and he has become really serious about me, and has even asked me to marry him. He is a very fragile guy and constantly wants reassurance that I really want to be with him forever. He even says things like "I don't want to introduce you to my family and other things if you are not serious" The truth is I'm not and I don't know how to tell him. We have had a lot of bad things such as fighting and so much miscommunication that I feel like I have completely lost the feelings I once had for him. I just keep leading him on tho telling him everything he wants to hear and constantly reassuring him that everything is OK. I have done this so much that it would crush him if I told him the truth, because I have finally gained his trust. He always tells me he hates games and liers which even makes it harder. What should I do? Reading the above makes me think it is possible he's been in this situation before where he has pressured someone and made them feel so guilty that they also have said what he wants to hear rather than the truth. This then creates yet another situation where 'all women are liars and lead you on'. There could well be something about him that makes women afraid to be honest with him, especially if he has resorted to violence before. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 Yes this is the same guy. I know deep down that surely he can't love me after everything he has put me through, but why does he seem so serious when he says he does and always talking about our future plans together and telling everything he wants to make right in my life? I know that maybe I'm in denial thinking that he had changed, but then if I truly believed that too then why did I fall out of love with him and why am I still afraid of him. It's all so confusing. He seems serious because he is trying to control you. It is therefore essential you believe he is being serious and that the 'seriousness' of the situation is conveyed to you. He probably knows you don't want to be with him and so he is trying to reinforce it with you all the time, kind of like "You do love me don't you, right?" In other words, you'd better not say no because you know what will happen. I suspect it is the veiled threat you are picking up on. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 Yes this is the same guy. I know deep down that surely he can't love me after everything he has put me through, but why does he seem so serious when he says he does and always talking about our future plans together and telling everything he wants to make right in my life? I know that maybe I'm in denial thinking that he had changed, but then if I truly believed that too then why did I fall out of love with him and why am I still afraid of him. It's all so confusing. None of the above matters anymore. He abuses you! Stop trying to figure him out and try to understand why you are not preparing to have him removed from your home? What preparations are you making to leave him or have him put out? That is the only thing you need to be thinking about in relation to him. Why would you let your kids be around a man who is abusing you. You are showing them this is how a woman should be treated. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 There is no excuse for allowing a guy that is abusive to move in with your children. Your first obligation is to keep yourself and your children safe. You know what you need to do - do it! This! Is it worth all of this just to have a MAN? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 You let a man you didn't even know move into your house with your kids, then according to your other thread you cheated on him and he became abusive. Now there has been six straight months of fighting and abuse which you are subjecting your innocent children too. They are the real victims of this dysfunction. They are going to grow up with issues because of your sick need to hang onto this guy. They need to be removed from that toxic household. Do you have parents or other family that could have your children live with them? If you can't help yourself then at least help your kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 He is a very fragile guy and constantly wants reassurance that I really want to be with him forever. He even says things like "I don't want to introduce you to my family and other things if you are not serious." The truth is I'm not and I don't know how to tell him. We have had a lot of bad things such as fighting and so much miscommunication that I feel like I have completely lost the feelings I once had for him. I just keep leading him on tho telling him everything he wants to hear and constantly reassuring him that everything is OK. I have done this so much that it would crush him if I told him the truth, because I have finally gained his trust. He always tells me he hates games and liars which even makes it harder. What should I do? Tell him the truth. The reason you feel so guilty is that he has manipulated you and you're clueless. "I don't want to introduce you unless you're serious" is manipulation - any answer OTHER than 'of course I'm serious' results in him pouting and further guilting. Thus, he guided you to that response. Do you see it? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 Honestly I'm beginning to see this pattern, and I'm thinking the confusion I'm feeling at this moment is because right now he's going thru "the good" phase where he is promising me the world. It's funny how he gets like this a few days after we fight and I threaten leaving him. Yep, that's the cycle. Have you read the bible on abuse? Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men Start reading it. You will be astounded at how much they know about your very own situation. It will help you leave. Which is the best thing for BOTH of you. He will never change or improve if you are there. He has no reason to. Link to post Share on other sites
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