Never heard of a second chance actually working out

[gls081209]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm mostly just venting, hence, the long chapter. I guess I'm trying to write out my thoughts.

 

Last July, my boyfriend of two years ended our relationship. I was heartbroken and I didn't see it coming. We never fought and we had a kind and loving relationship. During our first year of dating, three people in my life (including my mother) passed away unexpectedly. It was a hard time but my ex was very supportive during that time.

 

Despite our happy relationship on the outside, there was always something a little "off" with him. We could talk about everything, except when it came to our relationship. He tended to shut down. I think because I was going through the grief of losing loved ones, I didn't really press the matter with him as I wasn't really ready to go there either.

 

I'm in my mid-thirties. He's about to turn 30. I have my life together in terms of career, money, friends, etc. He definitely lacked those things. He's never taken advantage of my position and always shared expenses with me.

 

Anyway, last July, he walked into my house and just said we had to break up. He was the coldest I've seen him. He got all his belongings, left me in shock and pretty much ghosted me. I was left confused, wondering if he was cheating or what I did and just heartbroken.

 

Up until last month, I hadn't spoken to him. I blocked him on everything and deleted his number and fantasized about punching him in the throat when I ran into him. I was just so angry and I didn't know how to let it go. It was bubbling up to the point where I thought I was going to burst. (I will say, I'm stubborn). However, I refuse to be a stalker ex girlfriend.

 

That was until he contacted me back in February apologizing for his behavior. I expressed my anger in my response and we continued to e-mail back and forth until May. He convinced me to meet him for a drink and talk.

 

We ended up talking for 4 hours. He was very honest, open and responsive (the longest we've ever talked like that). He explained he left because he has been battling some serious depression and he's lost in his life and felt like he was stringing me along. Instead of talking to me, he just ran.

He definitely has some issues. If I had to guess, his lack of emotional response to things makes me wonder if he's on the autism spectrum (he doesn't disagree). There's more to it than that, but it turns out his leaving had nothing to do with me.

 

After this my anger passed. I feel bad for the guy. Since then, he's continued to contact me and has been incredibly open since this has happened. He said he wanted to seek therapy as he wants to work things out.

 

This past weekend was the second time we've seen each other since May. He came to my house as he wanted to see our dog. We sat and talked for hours. Nothing physical happened and he knows not to overstep that boundary. Our conversation was very relaxed and natural (even discussing our relationship and his depression).

 

This is my dilemma. Clearly we still care for each other, but he hasn't changed his situation. My head and heart are in different places. I know we can't be together until he makes some life changes. I'm very black and white and I don't believe people change and I can't say I've ever heard of a "second chance" working out. I'm very conscious of my decisions and it's out of character for me to even let someone who hurt me to this degree back into my life.

 

I haven't even told close friends about seeing him. I feel guilty because I know it's dumb! The two friends I did tell were very supportive (which is what friends are supposed to do).

 

Regarding our contact, we've only speaking every couple weeks, but have agreed to continue talking and seeing what happens. I just don't want to fall into a cycle and get hurt again.

[ChickiePops]

My boyfriend and I are currently on our second chance, but it has taken a few years and changes and compromises on both sides for us to get here. So far so good.

[juniorrocha]

1) You say your heart and head are in different places, you think he would've to change for it to work, but you also made it clear you don't believe in second chances nor that people can change. Don't you have your answer right there?

 

2) People commit mistakes. Sometimes they leave thinking it would be the best, only to realize it was not. Now whether you're willing to give him a second chance or not is completely up to you. But as I said on first topic, you don't believe in that so why try?

 

3) You never know what will come out of this. There are couples who spend time apart and then get back together for good. I know one who's been married for 12 years, after 2 years separated. It could work, it could not. You'll know if you try. But you should only try if you're sure you want to get over what happened in the past, else it's a waste of time.

 

Think about it some time. If you're unsure now, maybe keep seeing him for a little longer to see how it goes. Then you decide.

 

Oh, also: people can change. In fact, people change all the time.

[gaig]

Think about it some time. If you're unsure now, maybe keep seeing him for a little longer to see how it goes. Then you decide.

 

I agree.. give it some time, gauge him to see if he the guy you want in your new life, a better guy than before

[Densel]

I agree with the people in here.

 

Go meet him then you'll find out for yourself who/what makes you happy.

[gls081209]

Thank you for your responses.

 

My head and heart are typically not on opposite pages, so this has been the first time I've experienced that dilemma.

 

A few days ago, I pulled my back and have been laying low so I don't make it worse. He found out about it and showed up on my doorstep last night with sushi and movie. He was wanting to help with taking out the garbage and trying to wait on me, etc. These are all things he did prior to our breakup, but he definitely was overly attentive. It was very sweet and appreciated (and no, he didn't even try to put the moves on me).

 

I see that I didn't clearly explain myself in my original thread so I'll clarify a bit. I agree that people are changing all the time, but I do believe that you are responsible for your own happiness. If you are unhappy in your situation and in your life, do something about it. You have to make some kind of effort whether you do it yourself or finally ask for help.

 

It doesn't matter how much he and I care for each other, at the end of the day he's unhappy in his situation and isn't making an effort to do anything about it. Because he isn't happy with himself, he and I will not be able to have a healthy relationship. That's where he and I differ. I recognized my depression after all the deaths in my life and went to get help. I'm still working on it, but there's been much improvement. I just wish he could see that for himself.

 

As for second chances, it's not I don't "believe" in them per se, I just can't say that I've seen an example in my life where a second chance has actually worked

 

I'm rooting for you and your boyfriend, ChickiePops!

[DevotedBaker54]

I can see why you would be resistant to going back out with him. He broke up with you out of nowhere, and without reason (until he gave you a reason months later). From what you have written it sounds like he cares for you.

I think it's great he wants to get therapy and realizes he needs help. Maybe that can be something you tell him to pursue before you guys date again? Sometimes second chances don't work out because people make the same mistakes as the first time around, but it sounds like you guys are more open and honest with each other this time around.

Whatever happens with you guys, I hope you are happy!

[MrWhite]

If you still see a possible future with him, maybe you can help set some positive goals for him to work for. I have found that people with depression need to find obtainable goals to achieve. This boosts confidence and helps them move forward. Small achievements lead to bigger achievements and changes.

Might you want to be what he works for? Work on "winning" you back?

 

 

It appears that he did not run off with another woman or chase something he valued over you. With his depression, was this a case of "better off without me" or "not worthy" or "successful\unsuccessful" scenario?

 

 

Not to use ridiculous terms, however might you be or have been the "alpha" person in the relationship? You lead, you set goals, you know what you want, and invite him to join you?

 

 

Lastly, I am a second change success story. Married over 20+ years now. They do exist. If he or you did not do anything that was a "deal breaker", then you have a great shot at starting over again. Is this what want it and why you are posting on LS?

 

 

From what you have posted, I say baby step back into each others lives slowly and see what happens.

Edited July 1, 2016 by MrWhite

[gaig]

My boyfriend and I are currently on our second chance, but it has taken a few years and changes and compromises on both sides for us to get here. So far so good.

 

How did that go? LTR and then apart for long time before reaching out?

[gls081209]

Hi - thanks for reading my post. If you care to catch up, you can read my story:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/586123-never-heard-second-chance-actually-working-out

 

Since my ex and I have began communicating, we have been hanging out. Despite the sexual tension, we've been able to keep it non-physical. We have really just enjoyed each other's company and conversation. We've talked a lot about our relationship problems and it's been great.

 

Due to all of our conversations, I was under the impression that he was interested in trying to work out our relationship. That's great and all, but at the end of the day, he's still in the same place mentally. My previous posts explain his depression. I know he cares for me and wants to be with me, but has said that he isn't "ready" to take the steps that I need for him to make in order for me "to feel like anything has changed." He keeps saying he wishes there was a "middle ground." I'm not exactly sure what that means because you can't just casually date someone after having a serious relationship with him . I'm not interested in a "friends with benefits" arrangement. I'm too old for that nor do I want that. I want a partner in life (which may or may not include marriage).

 

So at this point, we hang out maybe once every week or two, have dinner, play with our dog, talk and catch up on the tv shows we used to watch together. I won't lie, we do snuggle up on the couch. Honestly, that's it.

 

First: I'm battling with my head and heart. I like spending time with him. I feel like I'm hiding our "friendship" to friends and family as there would be some people who would not be pleased with that information. I don't necessarily care about other peoples' opinions, but what's the point of risking drama when I don't even know what he and I are doing. I know I'm playing with fire. What the HELL am I doing?

 

Second: He asked me if I'd come and have dinner with him and his family this weekend. His parents and sister are all flying in to celebrate his 30th birthday. It's a family dinner and not a party with friends. I've agreed.

 

Once again: What the HELL am I doing?

[Nowty V]

I know I'm playing with fire. What the HELL am I doing?

 

Playing with fire

 

That only ends one way .. you get burnt.

 

It's all nicey nice for him but your head is all over the shop.

 

What do you want from this?

 

Where do you see yourself 12 months down the line?

 

You know it's on-top because you are not being open with the people that care about you.

 

Only you know if you want the drama and head-rush or not.