GF Jealous of a Ex from YEARS ago.

[Ninja Extrordinaire]

Wow, I haven't been on here in quite some time.

 

Was wondering if I could get some feedback on a current issue that just popped up with my current relationship.

 

Im living with my gf, and we have been together for a year and a bit now and everything goes quite well. Doesn't mean we don't have some good fights here and there, but we always manage to see things through.

 

Well, here is the story.

 

When I met my gf, she didn't really date much, she was more of a "Friends with benefits" type of person. Now here we are together and talking about our future together. I have met a bunch of these "FWB", and all in all they are not bad guys at all. I don't have a problem with her talking or seeing them when they are around, I guess I'm just one of the few who isn't worried about cheating or anything like that because honestly, I trust her.

 

So, one of my Ex's from YEARS ago, is back in town, and I only talked to her 3 times since she left for school in another city and the last time I saw here was in april of 04.

 

My Gf knows everything about that relationship with this Ex, She knows we dated for a couple of years and that we were friends BEFORE we dated. With other Ex's she doesn't care, but this one really flips her top.

 

So I get a phone call from the ex a few weeks ago just before my gf walks in the door. I guess she put 2+2 together and I was only on the phone for 15-20 mins (we got talking about the people we used to hang with) and after I got off, it was like Nagasaki A-Bomb. Funny thing was I told her that the ex wanted to go out and catch up with eachother, my gf said it would be Ok as long as she was busy at work or something like that.

 

So that was just the phone conversation and my gf lost it, but cooled down about it for a while.

 

So, a week ago, my gf is at work and my ex calls, she says she's off work and wants to know if I want to hang out for a bit playing pool. My gf is at work so I say fine. It was interesting, when I saw my ex, I didn't feel a thing, it was just like hanging out with another of my plutonic girlfriends.

 

Now here is where I screw up. Knowing how my gf reacted to a phone call, I didn't tell her about this One hour game of pool with the ex. So I just came out and told her when we were on the subject of Ex's just yesterday.

 

Now I know it's my dumb ass fault I didn't tell her THAT day, but to me this is all trivial and feels like an episode of Dawsons Creek or some dumb crap that. I never put restricitons on her on who she can see and talk too, and now she wants me to cut off ALL contact with the ex (who will be goin back to another city for school come fall). I tried to explain to her that there is no CHANCE of a reconciliation with the ex, and friends it would only be. I never cheated on someone before, so I told her why worry.

 

So, I have no Idea. As I said this is dumb to me. Im 27, and feel like I shouldn't have to be told who I can and can't talk to just because I dated them years ago. I can totally see how my gf is jealous, but Im not liking the double standard, she doesn't live in the same area as her FWB, but if she did I could TOTALLY see her talking to them and hanging out.

 

So all in all, I've talked to my Ex 2 times since she has been back since May, and saw her for one Hour. Does this make me a bad person?

 

Feedback??

[Opium]

You're not a bad guy at all, you are innocent and didn't do anything wrong, right? If it was just playing pool with a friend what's so bad about telling your gf the day after or a week later, right?

 

Wrong!! I can honeslty say if it bothers your gf out of repsect you should tell your EX that you need to cool it off for a bit. I'm not saying throw the friendship away, at all, but give it a rest so your girl can see she's more important. The only thing I see you did wrong was not calling your girl and telling her "hey I'm going out with so-in-so call me if anything we'll be here"!

 

You seem to very honest and in a health relationship with lots of trust you dont' want to burn your bridges over something so silly. Tell her if it was the other way around you know very well she would have gone out with her friends so what's the big deal. Remind her about the whole trust issue.

 

Find out what bothers her so much about this Ex, it must be something you said or a story that got to her and makes her think those feelings could come back. Who knows, but talk to her, get her side too.

[Fritz]

Hmm, I dunno. You should've told your gf up front your were going to hang out with the ex or told her right afterwards. Still sounds like she's projecting some of her own issues onto you though, regarding ex lovers. I'd certainly be a bit more, shall we say, dilligent in watching her own actions, who she hangs with.

[Ninja Extrordinaire]

Ya, we talked it out today on much more calm level, I told her I was totally in the wrong to not of told her, and she told me it just something about THIS ex that makes her feel insecure. Not in the sense that Im going to go and jump on old bones, but I guess its just something that tweaks her. She said maybe she should meet her so she could put her insecurities to rest. Funny thing is that If I wasn't in the picture, they would actually get along quite well. Go figure.

 

Just a question to put out there, What is it about Ex's that freak people out? I mean some people be in a relationship AND still have friendships with the ex's and everything actually runs smooth. On the other hand, there is the relationships where the current gf wants you to have nothing to do with an ex even if you've known the ex for a long time before and after dating.

 

Is it just because people are really possesive of eachother?

 

Just a thought

[Iluvsiamese]

Check out my thread. It may be something about the way that you speak about your ex that makes your current gf react the way she does. Even if you feel nothing, you may have communicated admiration for this person. In addition, she is the one who is initiating contact and suggesting outings. This generally raises a red flag.

 

I do not consider myself a jealous person. My guy has female friends and when he meets them after he has not seen them in awhile, they are treated to a big bear hug. No problem. It is interesting, though, what can sometimes make you question things. Once when we were out walking the dog, we met a former neighbour of his from when he was married. He stopped and chatted with her but I got the feeling that he was pretending that we were not together. He completely ignored me, no introduction, talked to her in french (they are both bilingual) some of which I understood, just an innocent conversation about new house etc., and eventually we moved on. I did not get the feeling that he wanted to pursue anything with her, but that it had more to do with his ex-wife. I have no idea if this woman is in contact with his ex or not, but this performance was out of character for him. It really gave me a weird feeling.

 

There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, but some wisdom is definitely called for. If you are seeing your ex where it is just the two of you, it is probably something that you ought to avoid. Try to make it goup sessions and/or include your gf. Sometimes appearances are everything. The thing is, don't leave yourself open for trouble. It may start out completely innocent, but if you start seeing your ex alot and often alone, you could be playing with fire. I've watched it happen in a few cases and the results weren't pretty.

[brittani]

You're not a bad guy, you just have to try and understand girls a little bit. When you go back and talk to one of your ex-girlfriends that you had known for a while or was serious about, your gf is going to have that jealousy side, more so over a girl you dated for just a week. I am a jealous person myself, if my bf would have done something like that i would have flipped out!! but atleast you told her and didn't try to hide anything. It will be alright.