Trying to move on

[BuddyX]

"You get closure by closing the door not by opening it for one last look..."

[Maribel]

This last reach out is simply another shot at seeing if the situation will change. Your not really ready to end it so you probably won't.

 

There in lays the answer to your question, simply he treats you this way because you allow it. You put on blinders, ran through all the red lights and stop signs ending up in i just fkedupmylifeville.

 

You're right, I want another shot simply because I keep hoping he'll say something that makes me feel like I was not used. I don't want to hate this guy, or believe I was manipulated, even though I'm pretty sure I was.

 

I don't like this place where my mind lives- it's like I'm stuck in fkedupmylifeville. But I can say that I'm way better off than I was a year ago. Wish I had found this forum sooner! :-)

[Maribel]

He's a user.

And you are better than that. You know you are.

 

One of the worst things is having no one to confide in coz it's all one big secret. Hopefully the support on here will help you see the light and move onwards and upwards..

 

Thank you- I really do want to be the person that people see me as. I feel like a fraud.

 

This community has already helped me so much. Last summer I went to a counselor who told me to continue the affair and he'd help me deal with the consequences later. I switched counselors. The second guy told me I should come clean with my family and go NC. I quit going to counseling.

 

I knew I could not talk to anyone. The AP was never worth losing my family over, and he often reminded me that he did not want to mess up the lives of his children. Plus, we have careers to think about. Wow, I've learned the hard way to never ***t where you eat. It's hell seeing him at work and not being able to tell anyone what an jerk he is. On the flipside, I would not want anyone to know how I've behaved.

 

Thanks again for your advice.

[Maribel]

At the risk of being banned for repetition, consider these two things I have posted on this site in other threads.

 

1. The person who cares the least about the relationship has the most power in the relationship.

 

Right now that person isn't you. And he knows it. You are effectively in storage in the event he needs an OW again.

 

2. He is doing this because of an immutable truth that all predatory MM know.

It is far easier to keep on A going than it is to locate, groom and seduce a new OW...that's why he is responding to you. Every time you send him a message of any sort, he reads it as: "She's still thinking of me and will take me back".

 

Sorry, frequent readers for the boring repetition, but I thought she needed a little enlightenment here.

 

Thank you for reposting. I've often considered myself his five hour energy shot- a little something on the side to boost his ego.

 

#2- I totally agree with. A year ago he told me he didn't see an end to this A, and every time we chat, even when I'm angry, he is very clear that he has not changed and he doesn't want to see it stop. Oh my gosh I'm in storage!!

[Maribel]

"You get closure by closing the door not by opening it for one last look..."

 

Good one! I know that closure needs to be me walking away from him. I'm almost there.

[Maribel]

If you still want to communicate, you're still in the game.

 

So you're not ready to end it yet.

 

That's OK.

 

You get what you choose.

 

Satu, you are correct. In a way though I just want the last word. I want him to know that I'm upset and he hurt me. Last night I messed up and sent him a casual message, to which he replied, of course. I can't imagine my life without this person, but I do believe that it's addiction not love or affection that is driving my actions. I take full responsibility for it and realize that I am the other player in this awful game.

[malvern99]

Thank you- I really do want to be the person that people see me as. I feel like a fraud.

 

This community has already helped me so much. Last summer I went to a counselor who told me to continue the affair and he'd help me deal with the consequences later. I switched counselors. The second guy told me I should come clean with my family and go NC. I quit going to counseling.

 

I knew I could not talk to anyone. The AP was never worth losing my family over, and he often reminded me that he did not want to mess up the lives of his children. Plus, we have careers to think about. Wow, I've learned the hard way to never ***t where you eat. It's hell seeing him at work and not being able to tell anyone what an jerk he is. On the flipside, I would not want anyone to know how I've behaved.

 

Thanks again for your advice.

 

Your first counselor was terrible. You see the results of continuing the affair for yourself now. Your second counselor though was bang on the money on both counts. There really is no way around the fact that telling your husband the truth is the right thing to do not only for yourself, but for your husband as well because he deserves to know the truth of his life and have an opportunity to decide what is best for him. Gently now, you made the choice to have an affair, now allow him the opportunity to make a choice that is best for him. This type of secret and the guilt it generates will eat most people alive. Can you really detox from the affair on your own? Who will hold you accountable? What will stop you from jumping in feet first the first time AP reaches out to you and says he misses you? Wouldn't you feel you had the right to know if your husband had an affair and endangered your health and family? These are questions you must answer for yourself. The choice however is yours.

 

However, I agree with the others. You do not really want to end the affair. I think you are upset because AP doesn't see you as you see him, and as such you spend a considerable amount of time and energy on him trying to change that fact. The sad thing is you are fighting for a prize not worth winning. Better to spend that time and energy on people who actually love you, not those who use you because this is a zero sum game. Every second and ounce of energy you give AP is taken away from someone else. This makes me wonder... You said your marriage is in a great place right now. How does that square with your actions?

 

I really wish you the best of luck, and I admire you not getting angry at people who are calling you out on some of the inconsistencies in your narrative. That takes courage.

[Maribel]

Your first counselor was terrible. You see the results of continuing the affair for yourself now. Your second counselor though was bang on the money on both counts. There really is no way around the fact that telling your husband the truth is the right thing to do not only for yourself, but for your husband as well because he deserves to know the truth of his life and have an opportunity to decide what is best for him. Gently now, you made the choice to have an affair, now allow him the opportunity to make a choice that is best for him. This type of secret and the guilt it generates will eat most people alive. Can you really detox from the affair on your own? Who will hold you accountable? What will stop you from jumping in feet first the first time AP reaches out to you and says he misses you? Wouldn't you feel you had the right to know if your husband had an affair and endangered your health and family? These are questions you must answer for yourself. The choice however is yours.

 

 

I appreciate your advice and thoughts. Confessing everything would only hurt people, and that's never what I set out to do. I decided a long time ago that the only person who will ever be hurt or damaged by this will be me, and I'll learn to deal with the pain and the guilt. This is where I'm at right now - learning to cope with it.

 

I have no idea how I'll detox or how I will hold myself accountable. I can see the pattern though, I'm just clueless, or maybe weak, when it comes to breaking the pattern.

 

It's been a good thing having people call me out on inconsistencies. I don't mind at all - but I also don't want to seem like a lost cause by going in circles.

 

Thanks again for the reply.

[sunburned]

What I want to figure out is what type of person does this to another human being? I want to believe that he feels bad and wants out, but he always comes back to me. I can't get the answers to my questions and I think that is what is most painful and bothersome. I'm not jealous of anyone, I don't want revenge. I just need some insight. This man has been married three times now and he's in his early thirties. He has been cheating with me since he married number three.

 

Has anyone experienced something similar?

 

Be he has answered your questions. With his near silence, his minmal contact, his keeping you on a string in case his wife leaves town and he has a weekend free for extra sex. The answers to your questions also live in his ghosting after intimacy, his three marriages in a short period of time, his cheating since the beginning of the third marriage.

 

Like Bufo said, you don't get closure from taking a last peek. He pretty much closed the door already. Time to lock it.

[sunburned]

Y

 

However, I agree with the others. You do not really want to end the affair. I think you are upset because AP doesn't see you as you see him, and as such you spend a considerable amount of time and energy on him trying to change that fact. The sad thing is you are fighting for a prize not worth winning. Better to spend that time and energy on people who actually love you, not those who use you because this is a zero sum game. Every second and ounce of energy you give AP is taken away from someone else. This makes me wonder... You said your marriage is in a great place right now. How does that square with your actions?

 

I really wish you the best of luck, and I admire you not getting angry at people who are calling you out on some of the inconsistencies in your narrative. That takes courage.

 

I like Malvern's post. The first section I boldfaced because I was in a similar sitch a few years ago. Fortunately that phase did not last long because I was mortified when I realized how pathetic that was. Cut the cord now because it only gets more embarassing (if only to yourself) as time goes by. I highlighted the last section because I also applaud you coming to the forum to get real advice not just some validation or tips for maintaining your A. I sincerely hope you will listen to what you've "heard" here.

[RegretfulOM]

OP, from what you describe it doesn't sound like he places the same level of importance on the relationship as you do. I have had multiple affairs, I am certainly not proud of it. Each was different. All I can tell you is that if a man is really into you. He isn't going to go more than a few hours without texting you back. I don't think he is worth your time, nor the pain he is causing you.

[lftbehind]

Heres my theory. These men know they are awful humans and rotten inside. They have deep self loathing though it may be subconscious. So when you sleep with them, they lose all respect for you. Their thought process is: "Wow she is sleeping with me -- a lying, cheating, emotional vapid, selfish manchild. She must be not mucb of a person to find me attractive". So they pull away. Until they get an itch for some drame or sex or attention or whatever. Then they are back. You accept them again, after they have treated you even worse, so their diseespect for you grows.

 

Thats just a theory. Not a statement of you as a person or your value but rather just what these sick MM feel.

 

Hope you can find another job fast.

 

It does feel like they do lose respect for you when you sleep with them and pull away afterwards. They do start treating you worse and putting less effort into you. It's like no matter how good to them or nice you are, it doesn't matter. I'm not sure that it's because they loathe themselves, though. It's an interesting theory.

[lftbehind]

Thank you for reposting. I've often considered myself his five hour energy shot- a little something on the side to boost his ego.

 

#2- I totally agree with. A year ago he told me he didn't see an end to this A, and every time we chat, even when I'm angry, he is very clear that he has not changed and he doesn't want to see it stop. Oh my gosh I'm in storage!!

 

He doesn't wan't it to stop, but he doesn't want to treat you right, either. What if you treated him the way that he treats you? I think the storage makes sense, we're there to have when they want us.