Was I A Fool Am I Still?

[MrCongeniality]

So when I was in college I met my wife I thought I found my dream girl. I admit she was younger and at first it concerned me but she was just too much of a dream come true and I bought into it hook line and sinker. I would be lying if I said I didn't see warning signs that she was keeping secrets from me but I just dismissed them. I admit I'm not the best judge of character and I can be guilable in that I like seeing the good in people maybe a little too much.

 

I threw her out after I discovered she was a sex worker and I took her back hoping maybe I could get to know the real her even though our relationship was built on a lie I still wanted to try for the kids. I don't know if I'm seeing her true self now or if I'm just seeing what I've been ignoring.

 

It's not even what she does or what she's done it's that she's just she acts less like an adult and more like a spoiled teenager sometimes. She's entitled, rude, blunt, and she always blames somebody else because well she's supposedly never at fault.

 

I mean she twists everything around and tries making herself the victim. I love her and I want to believe she can change but I sometimes think I made a mistake letting her come back. I'm just tired and I don't know what to do.

[SisterGoldenHair]

How about getting some marriage counselling or seeing a therapist trained to help in such situations? This doesnt sound like something you can resolve without some help.

[MrCongeniality]

How about getting some marriage counselling or seeing a therapist trained to help in such situations? This doesnt sound like something you can resolve without some help.

We are curently but I don't feel like she's really willing to open up which makes it harder to work on our issues.

[Poutrew]

What kind of sex worker was she? Your approach would depend on what exactly she did. For example, if it was prostitution, was it limited only to men? Is she totally out of the trade now? You wont make any progress if she is still seeing 'customers'.

[MrCongeniality]

What kind of sex worker was she? Your approach would depend on what exactly she did. For example, if it was prostitution, was it limited only to men? Is she totally out of the trade now? You wont make any progress if she is still seeing 'customers'.

She started out from what I understand as a underage prostitute and later turned to stripping and eventually porn though according to her she's now a dominatrix. However regardless I find it all disgusting she has no intention of giving it up either.

[Moxie Lady]

So this is your wife: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/585543-should-i-leave

 

Kinda cute that you coordinated your names

[MrCongeniality]

So this is your wife: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/585543-should-i-leave

 

Kinda cute that you coordinated your names

Yeah I figured it would make things easier. We talked about that actually it wasn't a pleasant conversation believe me. She's how I found out about the site. She got the name from her favorite movie.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

The past the past, the woman you loved then is hopefully the same woman you love today,

If I were an attractive woman, with kids, why WOULDN'T I take that kind of pay?

If you have other options, then by all means, pursue those to your best.

But when you don't have any money and hungry kids, what do you do? Try to win contests??

 

Being a prostitute is vastly different than a dominatrix, I think,

For a dominatrix, I'd hope sex isn't a part of it anymore, that'd stink.

It's more about people in control all the time needing to find that balance in life,

It's about power and control, and 'letting go', being dominated rather than dominating in strife.

 

The lying over years is what I'd have more of a problem with, and if she's having sex with these guys,

The disgusting part being that you're kissing her, and not knowing she just sucked some guys prize,

I feel that before marriage, its a pretty ****ing important point to be brought up,

And to discuss what you feel is acceptable, and whether you trust her enough.

 

A prostitute hopping in cars with military men? Sucking dudes off and kissing you like no big deal?

**** that, that's disgusting, especially if you have NO KNOWLEDGE of it, like a 3rd wheel. (for a wife....she'd better be model status...)

But dominating and punishing those who love to give up control, and have them pay money?

To me that's just fine, there's no sex involved, you're not sharing that sweet honey!

 

I'm not a therapist, take what I say with a grain of salt, and see a professional at least,

For that's a world that completely intrigues me, but honesty is #1 in order to keep the peace,

For if she can't keep her word with the one man she vowed that she would,

Why would you ever trust her when she says she's just domming and not riding his wood?

Edited June 28, 2016 by DrReplyInRhymes

[MrCongeniality]

The past the past, the woman you loved then is hopefully the same woman you love today,

If I were an attractive woman, with kids, why WOULDN'T I take that kind of pay?

If you have other options, then by all means, pursue those to your best.

But when you don't have any money and hungry kids, what do you do? Try to win contests??

 

Being a prostitute is vastly different than a dominatrix, I think,

For a dominatrix, I'd hope sex isn't a part of it anymore, that'd stink.

It's more about people in control all the time needing to find that balance in life,

It's about power and control, and 'letting go', being dominated rather than dominating in strife.

 

The lying over years is what I'd have more of a problem with, and if she's having sex with these guys,

The disgusting part being that you're kissing her, and not knowing she just sucked some guys prize,

I feel that before marriage, its a pretty ****ing important point to be brought up,

And to discuss what you feel is acceptable, and whether you trust her enough.

 

A prostitute hopping in cars with military men? Sucking dudes off and kissing you like no big deal?

**** that, that's disgusting, especially if you have NO KNOWLEDGE of it, like a 3rd wheel. (for a wife....she'd better be model status...)

But dominating and punishing those who love to give up control, and have them pay money?

To me that's just fine, there's no sex involved, you're not sharing that sweet honey!

 

I'm not a therapist, take what I say with a grain of salt, and see a professional at least,

For that's a world that completely intrigues me, but honesty is #1 in order to keep the peace,

For if she can't keep her word with the one man she vowed that she would,

Why would you ever trust her when she says she's just domming and not riding his wood?

The sad thing is I don't trust her and I don't entirely beleive her. She performs sexual fantasies for a living and she's admitteded to doing BDSM porn claiming she never had sexual contact but how can I believe her? Even if she is being honest the fact remains she's dancing on a very thin line periodically. Plus she's the hottest woman I've ever known and I know she could have any guy she wants if she left.

 

All I keep wondering is when she first met me (which was no chance encounter making her even less trust worthy) how many men was she sucking and screwing? It just keeps coming back into my head and it makes me so angry.

Edited June 28, 2016 by MrCongeniality

[DrReplyInRhymes]

The sad thing is I don't trust her and I don't entirely beleive her. She performs sexual fantasies for a living and she's admitteded to doing BDSM porn claiming she never had sexual contact but how can I believe her? Even if she is being honest the fact remains she's dancing on a very thin line periodically. Plus she's the hottest woman I've ever known and I know she could have any guy she wants if she left.

 

All I keep wondering is when she first met me (which was no chance encounter making her even less trust worthy) how many men was she sucking and screwing? It just keeps coming back into my head and it makes me so angry.

 

She's being honest now, and that deserves a few points.

You have a right to be angry, your life has turned to disjoint,

BDSM is amazing in my opinion, you should really research it more,

Because you have to have one hell of a bond for a marriage to endure.

 

If you find yourself angry, just go away, work out or go tip a few cows,

It takes a phenomenal amount of trust to bare the naked truth to you now.

For a layer of security, have her record a session or two,

Either for use in future blackmail of a client, or for you to view.

(if you can stomach it, and verify sex isn't happening..)

 

She's gorgeous, she loves you enough to tell the truth to you now,

She could have any other guy, but she chose YOU as the man of her vow,

You must realize that DOMing someone is not always sexing them, its different you see,

You must do some homework to realize it isn't what I'm thinking that you're thinking it to be.

 

If she's having sex with these guys...well then she's more of a hotwife,

You said it yourself, she's hotter than any woman you've met in your life,

So, if you want to keep her, and her lifestyle and what she chose,

Accept it and learn to deal with it, or turn around and keep that door closed.

 

Prostitution is as old as Adam and Eve, only recently outlawed...relatively..its sad,

Does it suck your wife was that before? Sure, and again, you have a right to mad,

I feel that you need to sit down and have a PRIVATE discussion about what's ok and what's not,

Like, if sexual contact is happening (i.e. penetration, BJ's, etc) and your advice should be sought.

 

But really though, if your therapist says that BDSM is an addiction....get a new therapist. He's milking you and an idiot. It's a lifestyle.

Edited June 28, 2016 by DrReplyInRhymes

[NTV]

What are your reasons for staying right now?

[TrustedthenBusted]

wait.... you are married to a woman who is currently, and secretly, working as a stripper and hooker, and you don't know what to do?

 

Dude, no woman is THAT hot...

[Liam1]

 

All I keep wondering is when she first met me (which was no chance encounter making her even less trust worthy) how many men was she sucking and screwing? It just keeps coming back into my head and it makes me so angry.

 

As has been mentioned being a dominatrix is about catering to men who enjoy being dominated and controlled.

 

It may not include sex.

 

When you think about how many men she was "screwing", did you think about that when you were dating her or other women?

 

Most likely, in the beginning of a dating relationship, your gal friends were dating other men and perhaps having sex with them.

 

Because you were not likely to marry someone you just met you had to compartmentalize those thoughts.

 

So, if you can accept her career maybe you can compartmentalize it.

 

Dominatrix earn an excellent living, for doing very little work. I think it is unlikely that she will want to lose her income.

[Jersey born raised]

You both are in over your head. Your wife was a CSA victim. It stunts emotional growth often leaving the victim frozen at the age the abuse took place. As a result you have a 50 year old women with the emotional IQ for a 12,13,14 year old.

 

Second did you discuss with your wife any of the posts you have posted? If not, do not post in the future without discussing first with your wife.

 

Both of you need professional help, at the Phd level with training and experience with victims of CSA.

[seamos]

I'm glad I caught your thread, it's not often that both sides are seen here.

 

I certainly feel for you and your situation, I hope for the best.

 

I thought I could see myself a lot in the way you described yourself as in being gullible, dismissive of the warning signs and always trying to see the good in people... not a bad way to be except it really opens us up for painful relationships.

 

I agree w/ counselling being necessary for both of you to ever work this out but I see what you've said about feeling she's not willing to open up for it. Hopefully enough time and the right professional can change that.

 

For what it's worth this is how I see the situation simply from what I've heard so far. The dominatrix work doesn't seem to me to be that big a deal compared w/ the rest of it. If I am correct in what little I know about that particular work it doesn't involve her providing sex physically w/ her body to other men but more of a hands off type of fantasy provided for guys that get off on being submissive. If that's correct then it seems fairly safe and somewhat on the fringe of the sex trade.

 

The acting in porn videos I took to be something she has done but doesn't anymore or at least hasn't for a while so if that can be classified as something in the past then it seems likely you could work thru that (hoping).

 

The addiction and her fear of starting it again I think concerns me the most. According to her she has been clean for a while now and seems to sincerely want to continue but I know associating w/ people in the lifestyle when trying to stay clean makes it damn hard to do in the long run and one thing I have stated in other posts I've made is I don't believe it's possible for two people to have a relationship that's healthy at all if one uses and one doesn't. And that's not even addressing what it will likely do to the kids.

 

I suggested to her to move, the whole family, far enough away for her to not be around the old reminders and temptations. It worked for me, when nothing else did. Would that be possible and would it be something you would consider? Other than that all I can think to say is counselling and lots of it...

 

Good luck, I wish you the best.

[66Charger]

It is rare for you to be able to read someones mind, but luckily for you, your wife posted her thoughts here, and way before you knew of her lifestyle. I remember her when she first started posting and I believe all she said was truth.

 

Does this woman love you? Yes she does. And in the right way, as husband and wife. She was shady when she married you and used you for money, but her fear in confessing was of losing you, the family and the love she has for you, even though she may wish you were "slightly tougher". I am sure you wish she was a lot less "dominant"

 

Based on her unfiltered words, before being caught, physical touching was a hard boundary that she did not cross. It probaly didnt happen. I dont know if that helps, but it should.

 

I told her once, that if she was caught or confessed, that she should use her unfiltered words as proof that no "sex" occured. Funny, how that may now come to pass.

 

The CSA is at the root of her bad behavior, and this has nothing to do with you, and you alone can not "cure" her. . There is a dark side that manifested itself upon her when she was 7. Yes she is immature and selfish, but the reasons why are unfortunately understandable. If the CSA was not the predominate issue, I would say leave her...yesterday.

 

Time usually answers all questions and with time and therapy, this may slowly subside, but the bdsm may not. This you may have to accept for a few years, until she heals. The question is, will you give her the time and will she give it to you. She wants to run. She thinks she is irreparably damaged and you would be better off without her. This is not true. This child is damaged beyond belief, but not beyond repair, and that is because of you. Without you and her family, she will probaly fall and never recover.

 

No , I do not think you are a fool for loving this woman and I dont think you are a fool for staying. She needs you, but she must do some hard work also. It is time for her to stop living yesterdays. You can not expect this to be "healed" tomorrow, but you should expect slow progress.

 

Starting today, I would suggest you TELL her to immediately stop the nonsense about running away...and to shut down that thread.

Edited June 29, 2016 by 66Charger

[MrCongeniality]

It is rare for you to be able to read someones mind, but luckily for you, your wife posted her thoughts here, and way before you knew of her lifestyle. I remember her when she first started posting and I believe all she said was truth.

 

Does this woman love you? Yes she does. And in the right way, as husband and wife. She was shady when she married you and used you for money, but her fear in confessing was of losing you, the family and the love she has for you, even though she may wish you were "slightly tougher". I am sure you wish she was a lot less "dominant"

 

Based on her unfiltered words, before being caught, physical touching was a hard boundary that she did not cross. It probaly didnt happen. I dont know if that helps, but it should.

 

I told her once, that if she was caught or confessed, that she should use her unfiltered words as proof that no "sex" occured. Funny, how that may now come to pass.

 

The CSA is at the root of her bad behavior, and this has nothing to do with you, and you alone can not "cure" her. . There is a dark side that manifested itself upon her when she was 7. Yes she is immature and selfish, but the reasons why are unfortunately understandable. If the CSA was not the predominate issue, I would say leave her...yesterday.

 

Time usually answers all questions and with time and therapy, this may slowly subside, but the bdsm may not. This you may have to accept for a few years, until she heals. The question is, will you give her the time and will she give it to you. She wants to run. She thinks she is irreparably damaged and you would be better off without her. This is not true. This child is damaged beyond belief, but not beyond repair, and that is because of you. Without you and her family, she will probaly fall and never recover.

 

No , I do not think you are a fool for loving this woman and I dont think you are a fool for staying. She needs you, but she must do some hard work also. It is time for her to stop living yesterdays. You can not expect this to be "healed" tomorrow, but you should expect slow progress.

 

Starting today, I would suggest you TELL her to immediately stop the nonsense about running away...and to shut down that thread.

I understand she's been through trauma but in my line of work I deal with criminals of all kinds and a common excuse is that they don't know any better because of their childhoods. Maybe it's because of my job or maybe because my wife has a checkered past but there's a part of me that listens to what she's saying and only hears the same BS that I get from criminals who claim to be victims of circumstances and never take responsibility.

 

When she tells me about some of the illegal things she has done I can tell she's not remorseful she practically brags. Since my job involves the law there's a part of me that is very judgemental towards her and that same part of me tells me I'm a fool and that I'm being manipulated and trust me criminals (and I know it's bad to say this but my wife does have a criminal record albeit it was a long ago) are very manipulative.

 

However I do love her and I am not giving up on her.

 

I'm glad I caught your thread, it's not often that both sides are seen here.

 

I certainly feel for you and your situation, I hope for the best.

 

I thought I could see myself a lot in the way you described yourself as in being gullible, dismissive of the warning signs and always trying to see the good in people... not a bad way to be except it really opens us up for painful relationships.

 

I agree w/ counselling being necessary for both of you to ever work this out but I see what you've said about feeling she's not willing to open up for it. Hopefully enough time and the right professional can change that.

 

For what it's worth this is how I see the situation simply from what I've heard so far. The dominatrix work doesn't seem to me to be that big a deal compared w/ the rest of it. If I am correct in what little I know about that particular work it doesn't involve her providing sex physically w/ her body to other men but more of a hands off type of fantasy provided for guys that get off on being submissive. If that's correct then it seems fairly safe and somewhat on the fringe of the sex trade.

 

The acting in porn videos I took to be something she has done but doesn't anymore or at least hasn't for a while so if that can be classified as something in the past then it seems likely you could work thru that (hoping).

 

The addiction and her fear of starting it again I think concerns me the most. According to her she has been clean for a while now and seems to sincerely want to continue but I know associating w/ people in the lifestyle when trying to stay clean makes it damn hard to do in the long run and one thing I have stated in other posts I've made is I don't believe it's possible for two people to have a relationship that's healthy at all if one uses and one doesn't. And that's not even addressing what it will likely do to the kids.

 

I suggested to her to move, the whole family, far enough away for her to not be around the old reminders and temptations. It worked for me, when nothing else did. Would that be possible and would it be something you would consider? Other than that all I can think to say is counselling and lots of it...

 

Good luck, I wish you the best.

Trustme moving is not an option it's not that I don't think it wouldn't help but I have a lot of experience addicts long before I learned my wife was one there are a few instances where they find their fix even after moving. Some will travel miles for their next hit.

[66Charger]

What really bothers you? Is it the sex trade or drugs/illegal activities and the chance of reoccurrence? Can you deal with one but not the other?

 

I assume you have read everything she wrote here.

Edited June 29, 2016 by 66Charger

[usa1ah]

Your wife said something about a video some of the kids at your daughters school got ahold of and was teasing your daughter about it.

 

 

Is your daughter doing ok now?

 

 

Your wife needs help as I have posted on her thread.

 

 

You need to protect your daughter by any means needed. Your daughter does not need to be around this.

[seamos]

MrCongeniality, I agree if an addict doesn't want to quit it's useless to move, a friend of mine moved to Montana to escape his addiction but soon had the entire trailer court out tweaking on their cars all night long.

 

But for someone who wants to stay clean, and your wife says she does, moving out of the area and away of what she knew there truly does help,... a lot.

[S2B]

The sad thing is I don't trust her and I don't entirely beleive her. She performs sexual fantasies for a living and she's admitteded to doing BDSM porn claiming she never had sexual contact but how can I believe her? Even if she is being honest the fact remains she's dancing on a very thin line periodically. Plus she's the hottest woman I've ever known and I know she could have any guy she wants if she left.

 

All I keep wondering is when she first met me (which was no chance encounter making her even less trust worthy) how many men was she sucking and screwing? It just keeps coming back into my head and it makes me so angry.

 

What can she do to earn your trust? What could she be doing to become believable?

 

How do you two plan to earn more money on a regular basis so she no longer needs to do porn?

 

Can she do a basic job? Work at a market or retail? Some money is better than no money.

 

How can you earn more money to make the family feel safe and secure?

 

Do either one of you drink too much or do drugs?

Edited June 29, 2016 by S2B

[MrCongeniality]

Your wife said something about a video some of the kids at your daughters school got ahold of and was teasing your daughter about it.

 

 

Is your daughter doing ok now?

 

 

Your wife needs help as I have posted on her thread.

 

 

You need to protect your daughter by any means needed. Your daughter does not need to be around this.

She's my step daughter and yeah this was a big problem and another reason I have a problem with what my wife does. I make enough money for both of us so I don't understand where this talk about money is coming from.

 

Some how my step daughter is so perceptive she can just figure things out it's very creepy. I've tried being a father to my step daughter but she's never liked me. She's exactly like her mother only worse. As for my wife every time I start to trust her something happens like she creates drama.

Edited June 29, 2016 by MrCongeniality

[S2B]

She's my step daughter and yeah this was a big problem and another reason I have a problem with what my wife does. I make enough money for both of us so I don't understand where this talk about money is coming from.

 

Some how my step daughter is so perceptive she can just figure things out it's very creepy. I've tried being a father to my step daughter but she's never liked me. She's exactly like her mother only worse. As for my wife every time I start to trust her something happens like she creates drama.

 

In your wife's thread she indicated that when she felt there wasn't enough money that she needed to earn quick money and she used her resources that got her quick money.

 

If the family doesn't need money then why is she doing this and calling it work she has to do? She also indicated she works two jobs - one daytime and one night time.

 

Three kids and at least one looks concerning - why isn't your wife at home setting a positive role model for the kids and trying to help the daughter.

 

Honestly, I don't think you can change your wife. She doesn't seem to want to change. You can't make her change...

 

But is she lying about needing to work?

 

She has caused a ton of damage - some of it may not be repairable. It's not your job to fix what she's ruined.

 

Are you thinking you can fix her? I hope not - you can't.

 

She must help herself - plain and simple...and it doesn't look likely - she seems to like her night job.

 

Does your wife do drugs? Drama seems to be common in drug users.

Edited June 29, 2016 by S2B

[MrCongeniality]

In your wife's thread she indicated that when she felt there wasn't enough money that she needed to earn quick money and she used her resources that got her quick money.

 

If the family doesn't need money then why is she doing this and calling it work she has to do? She also indicated she works two jobs - one daytime and one night time.

 

Three kids and at least one looks concerning - why isn't your wife at home setting a positive role model for the kids and trying to help the daughter.

 

Honestly, I don't think you can change your wife. She doesn't seem to want to change. You can't make her change...

 

But is she lying about needing to work?

 

She has caused a ton of damage - some of it may not be repairable. It's not your job to fix what she's ruined.

 

Are you thinking you can fix her? I hope not - you can't.

 

She must help herself - plain and simple...and it doesn't look likely - she seems to like her night job.

 

Does your wife do drugs? Drama seems to be common in drug users.

She did have a day job not any more. She took it to have her own money. I think she would rather work like she does then rely on me financially. However I think that is only part of it I she likes escaping into her dominatrix persona our therapist suggested that she's a sex addict or rather she's addicted to the rush her job gives her.

 

Another reason I don't trust her in her profession is if she's addicted to the sexual rush or whatever it's only a matter of time before she escalates.

[BettyDraper]

MrCongeniality, I agree if an addict doesn't want to quit it's useless to move, a friend of mine moved to Montana to escape his addiction but soon had the entire trailer court out tweaking on their cars all night long.

 

But for someone who wants to stay clean, and your wife says she does, moving out of the area and away of what she knew there truly does help,... a lot.

 

I agree. Moving to a rural area can be very beneficial. Clean air and wide open spaces are great for addiction.

The peaceful quiet is great for contemplation of life choices as well.