An attempt to save me from me

[purestofpain]

Hello all.

 

Am really glad I found this forum; it's provided me with a lot of solace the past couple of days knowing that I'm not going through this alone and that a lot of the advices I'd came across were really helpful to me as well.

 

I suppose I should start with my story as the OW...

 

I'm in my late twenties and have always been the sort who'd frown upon at affairs and third parties. I've had attached or married men hit on me but I've always done my part by keeping a distance or cutting off contact completely. Unfortunately as they say, never say never. I had a change of job some time last year and due to work interactions I couldn't avoid or cut off, I found myself falling for a fellow colleague who's married with two kids.

 

It started innocently enough - I felt a lot of respect and admiration for his competency, knowledge and leadership. I guess there was a mix of some emotions beyond that of colleagues but I'd never dared to allow my thoughts to venture that way because I know of his marital status. My feelings for him then started off really 'pure' in a sense that I like him but I never dreamt of anything coming out of it; I just enjoy his company even just as a colleague.

 

Unfortunately, with us getting along really well and with his grooming (intentional or unintentional - we'll never know) things just escalated to hugging and eventually other acts of intimacy. It's been about 2 months since it "started" although on two other occasions before we'd had some touching and a hug which kind of paved the way for the things that happened after. The one thing I'm glad though was I'd had the sense to establish at some point with him that I'll not sleep with him.

 

Perhaps I should give him some credit that he's never tried to sugarcoat things and I know for sure he wouldn't leave his marriage for me as he wouldn't want his kids to grow up in a broken family. No clue about his relationship with his wife. But I've also made it clear that I'm not into a FWB or FB relationship - to me the feelings fuel intimacy. In return he says he has feelings for me as well, although a much larger part is motivated by the physical attraction which he can't seem to resist (as opposed to previous instances where he'd had blocked off advances before).

 

I'd say without a doubt that these two months had been the worst time of my life - I'd never felt so low or miserable before. He'd always call my unhappiness and jealousy towards his wife unhealthy and gets upset when I even request for any acts of affections that provide me consolation about the entire thing. I hated it whenever he mentioned his family in my presence or when I see him planning for the future obviously for his family and not with me. His nonchalance and dismissal of my feelings as well as the reality of how hopeless the entire thing was just eroded what I felt for him - from something non-calculative to one that's self protective and defensive, which led to further conflicts.

 

I've been just so tired knowing that I'm fighting a battle I'll never win. A senseless and foolish battle I shouldn't have participated in in the first place. A battle that I'm ashamed to have been involved in because I'd belittled and let myself down.

 

He's been away from work and I intend to thrash it out with him when he's back - will be looking to end things off for good. I do worry a little about seeing him around office and still having to work with him, but I'm not about to let that dissolve my resolution.

 

Will keep you guys posted - wish me luck!

 

(Feels so good to get this off my chest as I've no one I can speak to about all of this.)

Edited June 28, 2016 by purestofpain

[anika99]

You have only been in this affair for two months, haven't had sex with him and yet you are already so insecure and so jealous of his family. I'm puzzled how you even got involved with this man considering that you have been in misery from the start. Putting aside the rightness or wrongness of affairs, I simply don't understand being in any relationship that causes nothing but pain.

 

What are you going to thrash out with him exactly? He is married and he isn't going to leave his marriage for you. You know that. Yes you need to end this affair that is causing you so much misery but there is nothing to thrash out with him. He cannot and will not meet your expectations, not now and not later. Talking, crying, thrashing, and arguing with him will change nothing, so just tell him you are done and walk away with some pride and self respect. No need for drama.

[whichwayisup]

Are you really tired enough of the hurt, jealously and pain? If you are, you CAN end it. This is your life and the choices you've made have not been healthy for you.

 

I hope you find the strength to end it, be strong and stay away from him. No good can come of this since your affair is going no where.

[purestofpain]

You have only been in this affair for two months, haven't had sex with him and yet you are already so insecure and so jealous of his family. I'm puzzled how you even got involved with this man considering that you have been in misery from the start. Putting aside the rightness or wrongness of affairs, I simply don't understand being in any relationship that causes nothing but pain.

 

What are you going to thrash out with him exactly? He is married and he isn't going to leave his marriage for you. You know that. Yes you need to end this affair that is causing you so much misery but there is nothing to thrash out with him. He cannot and will not meet your expectations, not now and not later. Talking, crying, thrashing, and arguing with him will change nothing, so just tell him you are done and walk away with some pride and self respect. No need for drama.

 

Thanks for taking the time to leave your comments.

 

Not sure about you but for me the depth of feelings and emotional attachment is not measured by time or degree of intimacy.

 

As for "thrashing out" with him, it could be my incorrect or misleading choice of words that led to you misunderstanding but what I meant to do isn't crying, arguing or the drama you've mentioned. It's my every intention to tell him I'm done and that's that.

[purestofpain]

Are you really tired enough of the hurt, jealously and pain? If you are, you CAN end it. This is your life and the choices you've made have not been healthy for you.

 

I hope you find the strength to end it, be strong and stay away from him. No good can come of this since your affair is going no where.

 

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement!

[Grapesofwrath]

Purest: Ending an affair is not the same as ending other relationships. In a regular romantic relationship, you owe your partner a conversation (at least one) about why you are ending it. A chance to hear his/herreaction, etc. In this case, you don't need to do that and it can actually set you back as he will try to convince you not to walk away. (He probably has experience with this and will figure out a way to mess with your mind.)

 

In this case, I would advise against a final conversation. I'm speaking from experience here. I had a few of those and it never ended well. The sound of his voice, his tears, his physical reaction would weaken my resolve. He would gently push against the boundaries (a kiss goodbye? Can we just meet for a drink? Can we still be friends?) If you have to get some things off your chest, I'd recommend an email or letter, then block that avenue of contact so you don't have to see the responses. In this case, it's okay to just drop your end of the rope and walk away.

[Satu]

snip

*I found myself falling for a fellow colleague who's married with two kids.

 

He's been away from work and **I intend to thrash it out with him when he's back - will be looking to end things off for good. I do worry a little about seeing him around office and still having to work with him, but I'm not about to let that dissolve my resolution.

 

Will keep you guys posted - wish me luck!

 

(Feels so good to get this off my chest as I've no one I can speak to about all of this.)

Tough love:

 

*You didn't fall for, or fall into, anything.

 

You decided to pursue this affair.

 

Just as you decided to pursue it, you can now decide to end it.

 

**There is nothing to be thrashed out; no agreement to be reached.

 

You just tell him that its over.

 

There need be no more discussion from that point on.

 

 

Take care.

[NTV]

Thanks for sharing your story! I know the first post I ever made on a forum I was a little scared of what folks would say. Glad you were able to share.

 

 

Can you tell me what is more attractive about this relationship than one with an unmarried man?

[privategal]

You went from Id never dared let my feelings go that way to allowing groominh..touching..hugging.

He baits...you accept the bait and even allow him to simultaneously speak of wife, family, plans for his future.

Thats severe manipulation on his end.

He keeps them subtely in the picture and not initiating intercourse nor sugarcoating things allows him to string you along with more of a friends tone where he can also go cold and say "what? It was friendship, you knew I loved my wife"?

In his family time away he has been bonding with his wife and I wouldnt be surprised if he comes back very push pull hot cold.

This little taste of an A you got? It gets a million times worse and it can go on forever as your boundaries are weak.

Doesnt sound like it will be too hard to smooth talk you back in with hugs and subltle affection that you will find yourself missing.

This addiction is built into your work day and you are about to suffer a void which he will be happy to fill when you appear weak and he needs his ego stroked.

He is a wolf in sheeps clothing.

So typical these cowardly married men preying on single ow at work then go home to wife and kids.

Its disgusting.

[Lobe]

I concur that "thrashing it out" is a waste of time. Go NC. You don't want to tip your hand by letting him know how upset or attached you are because it will just make it seem like a challenge. Ignore, ignore, ignore. When he gets back, be completely professional and nonchalant. If he tries to corner you, let him know you will press charges for sexual harassment or tell his wife. Do this to protect yourself - the more afraid he is of being exposed for pursuing you, the less likely he is to keep coming back for more. Stay strong. You've got this.

[ladydesigner]

Thanks for taking the time to leave your comments.

 

Not sure about you but for me the depth of feelings and emotional attachment is not measured by time or degree of intimacy.

 

As for "thrashing out" with him, it could be my incorrect or misleading choice of words that led to you misunderstanding but what I meant to do isn't crying, arguing or the drama you've mentioned. It's my every intention to tell him I'm done and that's that.

 

Good for you for knowing to end it! It will end the chaos it has brought to your life as well. You will miss him just keep reminding yourself that YOU are most important and deserve better!

[Grapesofwrath]

Good for you for knowing to end it! It will end the chaos it has brought to your life as well. You will miss him just keep reminding yourself that YOU are most important and deserve better!

 

One thing I will add: If you have feelings of "missing him" remind yourself of all the pain and humiliation you felt in this relationship and how little you really miss all that. The truth, for me, was that I didn't miss him, I missed the way he made me feel during the good times. I missed having a romantic relationship in my life. I missed affection and intimacy. Those are things to miss. A lying MM is not something to miss.

[Quiet Storm]

It's good you are determined to end it. However, be prepared that he will push your boundaries. Guys often view it as exciting and ego boosting if they can get you to do something you said you wouldn't do. Then when you do break your boundaries and go against your principles, they devalue you for it and lose respect for you.

 

You are worth more than just being a distraction in some guys work day. However, you have to show him that by disengaging completely. No discussions, friendship, flirting, etc. He will exploit your weaknesses and give himself a pat on the back when you engage, even if it's just to say, "I'm worth more than this". Any interaction gives him an opportunity to break your resolve and stroke his ego.

 

He already knows you were jealous after only two months and not even sleeping with him. A decent guy who genuinely cared about you would back off because they see you getting emotionally involved and wouldn't want to hurt you. It sounds like this guy sees your jealousy and emotional involvement as a weakness and an ego boost, so he's probably thinking "It's just a matter of time before she'll sleep with me."

 

You admit that you are already emotionally attached, so this is your warning bell. The title of your thread- save me from me- is telling. It shows that you logically know that your emotional self can't be trusted to guide you- that part of you is in love and attached and will crave the attention. Your logical self has to protect that part of you, and you do that by removing opportunities for contact and avoiding conversations, hugs and glances.

 

I hope you can do it. He doesn't have your best interests at heart and since you are already attached, this makes him very dangerous to your emotional well being. We can post all day with warnings, red flags and "DANGER" signs, but you are the only one that can save you from you.

[purestofpain]

Grapesofwrath, Satu, Lobe, ladydesigner

 

Thanks guys!

 

I'm aware that this is unlike a normal relationship where I owe the other party a final convo before I end it. However, personally I prefer to have a final convo as closure if you will. Moreover whether I like it or not I still have to see him around work so I much prefer to close it off properly rather than having him come up to me for talks and whatnot, which will disrupt my NC attempts thereafter.

 

I've rehearsed the convo in my mind a million times the past two weeks (started off wobbly and extremely painful but it's since gotten much better! No more tears at least) and am confident of delivering it. I've crafted it in a way I know he would accept and wouldn't dispute or try to change my mind.

 

Hope you guys see where I'm coming from! Thank you once again for your advices and words of encouragement!

[purestofpain]

Thanks for sharing your story! I know the first post I ever made on a forum I was a little scared of what folks would say. Glad you were able to share.

 

 

Can you tell me what is more attractive about this relationship than one with an unmarried man?

 

Yeah I agree! It's daunting definitely but I figured I really needed to do this as part of my moving on and healing.

 

Hmm I suppose it's his maturity, wisdom and charisma that really drew me to him.

 

But to be honest I never wanted a bf/ relationship at this point of my life as I wanted to focus on building my career first. Unfortunately in this case feelings developed as part of daily work. Under any other circumstances I would have cut off contact to stop it from developing further but with this I wasn't able to do it timely due to work considerations. Of course given a chance to do it again I would have rather left my job than to risk getting caught up in this.

[purestofpain]

You went from Id never dared let my feelings go that way to allowing groominh..touching..hugging.

He baits...you accept the bait and even allow him to simultaneously speak of wife, family, plans for his future.

Thats severe manipulation on his end.

He keeps them subtely in the picture and not initiating intercourse nor sugarcoating things allows him to string you along with more of a friends tone where he can also go cold and say "what? It was friendship, you knew I loved my wife"?

In his family time away he has been bonding with his wife and I wouldnt be surprised if he comes back very push pull hot cold.

This little taste of an A you got? It gets a million times worse and it can go on forever as your boundaries are weak.

Doesnt sound like it will be too hard to smooth talk you back in with hugs and subltle affection that you will find yourself missing.

This addiction is built into your work day and you are about to suffer a void which he will be happy to fill when you appear weak and he needs his ego stroked.

He is a wolf in sheeps clothing.

So typical these cowardly married men preying on single ow at work then go home to wife and kids.

Its disgusting.

 

Indeed. He's been manipulative and I'm ashamed that I was a willing party to this. I'm also absolutely disgusted at how he can do all that stuff with me yet return home and return to his role as the loving husband and doting dad.

 

I'm aware I've only had a light taste of the A and if I let it go on it'll only get worse, and that's why I'm certain I want nothing to do with it anymore. I know there'll be moments of weakness when it seems easier to fall back into it but I can only take it one step at a time for now.

[purestofpain]

It's good you are determined to end it. However, be prepared that he will push your boundaries. Guys often view it as exciting and ego boosting if they can get you to do something you said you wouldn't do. Then when you do break your boundaries and go against your principles, they devalue you for it and lose respect for you.

 

You are worth more than just being a distraction in some guys work day. However, you have to show him that by disengaging completely. No discussions, friendship, flirting, etc. He will exploit your weaknesses and give himself a pat on the back when you engage, even if it's just to say, "I'm worth more than this". Any interaction gives him an opportunity to break your resolve and stroke his ego.

 

He already knows you were jealous after only two months and not even sleeping with him. A decent guy who genuinely cared about you would back off because they see you getting emotionally involved and wouldn't want to hurt you. It sounds like this guy sees your jealousy and emotional involvement as a weakness and an ego boost, so he's probably thinking "It's just a matter of time before she'll sleep with me."

 

You admit that you are already emotionally attached, so this is your warning bell. The title of your thread- save me from me- is telling. It shows that you logically know that your emotional self can't be trusted to guide you- that part of you is in love and attached and will crave the attention. Your logical self has to protect that part of you, and you do that by removing opportunities for contact and avoiding conversations, hugs and glances.

 

I hope you can do it. He doesn't have your best interests at heart and since you are already attached, this makes him very dangerous to your emotional well being. We can post all day with warnings, red flags and "DANGER" signs, but you are the only one that can save you from you.

 

It's interesting how you brought up the logical vs emotional discussion. I've always been quite the logical person - I've mentioned in some replies that had this been any other circumstances I would have cut off all contacts when I first realised my feelings for him were treading on dangerous waters. Unfortunately being logical I thought my career was more important and I couldn't fathom how awkward it'd be working alongside someone I'm having NC with so I thought I was choosing the lesser of the two evils. Also I didn't anticipate that the relationship would escalate as quickly as it did into what it is.

 

Anyway all of that is water under the bridge. Indeed I must now let my logical side take over again to protect and save me from my emotional side.

 

Thanks for your wise words!

[ChancesAre24]

Grapesofwrath, Satu, Lobe, ladydesigner

 

Thanks guys!

 

I'm aware that this is unlike a normal relationship where I owe the other party a final convo before I end it. However, personally I prefer to have a final convo as closure if you will. Moreover whether I like it or not I still have to see him around work so I much prefer to close it off properly rather than having him come up to me for talks and whatnot, which will disrupt my NC attempts thereafter.

 

I've rehearsed the convo in my mind a million times the past two weeks (started off wobbly and extremely painful but it's since gotten much better! No more tears at least) and am confident of delivering it. I've crafted it in a way I know he would accept and wouldn't dispute or try to change my mind.

 

Hope you guys see where I'm coming from! Thank you once again for your advices and words of encouragement!

 

Im sorry for what you are going through. Ive been there. Ive had that "final" convo about 10 times. This last time I ended it quietly blocking all the numbers he tries to call from. You want to have this dramatic convo you are telling yourself because it will provide closure. But really you want him to beg and plead and romance you back into it. And you may even enjoy it for an hour or even a night but then it will be a big pile of **** all over again and you will never have a normal and happy life until you walk away from this shenanigans. Its not healthy at all. You should apply out and get a new job and start again far away from emotional attachments to married men. I hope you take my advice because I promise you if I could go back and have the last 7 years of my life to do over again I would. Don't waste that much of your life like I did. Its not and never is worth it. Blessings!

[privategal]

Im sorry for what you are going through. Ive been there. Ive had that "final" convo about 10 times. This last time I ended it quietly blocking all the numbers he tries to call from. You want to have this dramatic convo you are telling yourself because it will provide closure. But really you want him to beg and plead and romance you back into it. And you may even enjoy it for an hour or even a night but then it will be a big pile of **** all over again and you will never have a normal and happy life until you walk away from this shenanigans. Its not healthy at all. You should apply out and get a new job and start again far away from emotional attachments to married men. I hope you take my advice because I promise you if I could go back and have the last 7 years of my life to do over again I would. Don't waste that much of your life like I did. Its not and never is worth it. Blessings!

 

Brilliant post. I was in for 15 and it nearly killed me in the end. Its so awesome to see op get out now and avoid this hell.

[purestofpain]

Hi guys, I've spoken to MM and we agreed to the logical approach with no talking, texting, etc. except in work circumstances which are truly unavoidable eg group meetings but these should go away soon when he switches his role. If this doesn't work I'm prepared to go for more drastic measures of ending this eg resigning.

 

The hard part of NC starts now - am hopeful things will go back to normal for me soon!

[whichwayisup]

Hi guys, I've spoken to MM and we agreed to the logical approach with no talking, texting, etc. except in work circumstances which are truly unavoidable eg group meetings but these should go away soon when he switches his role. If this doesn't work I'm prepared to go for more drastic measures of ending this eg resigning.

 

The hard part of NC starts now - am hopeful things will go back to normal for me soon!

 

Delete and block him on social media and from your cell. Your only contact should be professional related issues, no personal talk at all. No need to contact him outside of work at all, use your work address only and do not cave if he changes his mind and reaches out to you. Tell yourself all it is, is an ego feed.

 

Good, maybe finding another job is best. You can focus on yourself and keeping your professional reputation clean. If you and him get caught at work or people suspect there's going to be a lot of gossip and ruined reputations for both of you.

[Hazyhead]

If you can get a job elsewhere that is as good (or better) than the one you have now, then throwing yourself into applying will also keep you busy and less likely to drift back. Plus, you never know what might wait for you at a new job, happiness-wise. By doing this you are also showing him how serious you are about NC, and perhaps he might respect that.

 

Avoiding him at all costs is the best way to get through this. Then, in time, one day you won't think about him anymore.

 

Good luck!