BF is always broke/borrowing money - at my wits end :(

[vc87]

(Sorry this is a longer read - thanks so much for any input!!)

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a 15 months now.. I really do love and care about him a lot, but I can honestly say that reached the point where I feel like I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I never dated somewhere with financial issues before, let alone ever thought I would ever be in a serious relationship with someone who is struggling with these problems.

 

Over the last year, there have been countless times that my boyfriend has been broke/short money to pay bills. He's 29 and he lives at home with his father who is sick.. Supposedly he has to help out with some of the household bills, so I'm obviously understanding of that. My boyfriend works full time and he is a hard worker, (will not deny that) but he does not get paid all that much for what he does. I've tried encouraging him to look for another better paying job, and he tells me all the time that he knows and he will..

 

at first I didn't mind, he does always paid me back in a couple days, but over the months, I grew sick of all his dramatics and as much as I do feel sorry for him, I don't want to help him out anymore. I hate being in the position where I feel obligated to help. I told him previous times where I leant him money that whatever time would be the last time.. Always reiterate that he needs to start looking for another job to make changes.. He promised me that things would change and he would start looking - of course, that doesn't happen.

 

We don't go out much, and that is another issue in itself because I can't just sit and hang out, I need to be proactive or I feel like I wasted my day. We've had multiple talks about this, he said we would start going out more. But of course, once again, he has no money to take me places.. Once in awhile he'll take me out to eat, but anything else I want to do, say a big concert for example, I'm usually stuck paying for both of us.. He always says he'll pay me but of course that never happens. (Do you see a pattern here??)

 

Which brings me to why I'm posting this in the first place.. Over the past weekend, I hit the point where I had enough.

 

He had texted me saying his Verizon bill was overdue and be said service was going to be turned off/would have to pay an additional fee to have the service turned back on. He said that he asked his friends and family members and no one would help him. He hinted around to me to give him money but I just ignored his question... He said that he was going to go to a pawn shop to sell his possessions to try to get money for the bill (of course they didn't offer him enough money to cover it when he went)

 

Later on at night, he texted me saying that he was walking the streets because his dad locked him out of the house and wouldn't let him back in until he had the money. He asked me if I could pick him up and give him a ride so he didn't have to walk around, so I said sure. I guess he figured I would bring money with me or offer to help but I didn't.. I asked him where he wanted to go but he didn't know where.. Asked him again if there's anyone he could ask and he said no on can help. So he said I could I drop him off again because he felt bad I was driving around aimlessly.. When he got out of my car it look like he was going to cry.. Truly felt so sorry for him so I decided to go get him the money.

 

On my way to the bank, he was texting me all stuff like he's going to have to sleep outside and he won't be able to go to work to get his paycheck and no ones helping him and he feels like a loser.. And he was freaking out because he didn't know what to do.. So I asked him where he was, so I found him and gave him the money. When I pulled up next to him so much anger came over me.. Told him that this is the absolute last time I'm ever doing this. Again he promised me that things will be different from now on it won't happen again.

 

Since Sunday night when this happened I've just been thinking so much about whether it's time for me to move on from this.. I really do love and care about him a lot but when I think of a future with him, I'm truly scared of all the struggles and don't feel at all secure.

 

Is this something worth fixing? Should I believe him things will be different?

Edited June 28, 2016 by vc87

[Larryville]

I never dated somewhere with financial issues before, let alone ever thought I would ever be in a serious relationship with someone who is struggling with these problems.

 

Altruism or selflessness is the principle or practice of concern for the welfare of others.

 

While having this trait is a nice thing to have, when it comes to dating or relationships don’t engage in the behavior.

Ladies never date a broke dude it will never end well. (dudes also should never date a broke woman either)

 

Yes someone will tell me “my boyfriend does not make a lot of money and I love him bla bla bla….” Yes just like the anomaly of lightning striking the same place twice… sure a happy result can possible happen but why risk it?

 

Life is just too damn short.

[PegNosePete]

Why on earth didn't you just tell him no?

[Gaeta]

No you cannot fix this relationship or fix him. He may be working hard but he lacks ambition. He is only 29 years old there is no reasons why he lives like this. He can get a better job or get in school and l learn a trade. Example a welding course is 18 months and jobs in welding industry starts at $18/hr and $47/hr for someone with experience.

 

You've been enduring this way too long. He is broke, irresponsible, unreliable. I wonder what the heck you see in him.

[PegNosePete]

He promised me that things would change and he would start looking - of course, that doesn't happen.

And yet you keep falling for the same lines, over and over.

 

SMH...

[katiegrl]

I am not a shrink but he sounds mentally ill. He needs to get evaluated by a professional.

 

This is NOT normal behavior.....

 

If he doesn't he may end up homeless.

 

I am serious!

[No_Go]

I've been with a guy like this for 6 months or so. He was also 29 back then. He ended up moving in with me, without paying rent of course- he was broke. I paid the house bills, his food, every single going out for us, his cigarettes and alcohol (he was a dead-beat alcoholic), his medical bills...

 

When I kicked his sad ass out, he start mooching off another woman. Before me: he was mooching off his ex GF. In the small intervals where he was single: mooching off his mommy (actually the mommy was his side-source all the time... and she was as well pretty angry about it). Do you see a trend. And he'll always be juuuust a step from his high-paying job

 

Now his new ex-GF recently contacted me and she is suing him for money & assault.

 

People like this rarely change. I wish I can say something more positive but... I think the best for you is to cut your losses short and get this drama out of your life.

 

(Sorry this is a longer read - thanks so much for any input!!)

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a 15 months now.. I really do love and care about him a lot, but I can honestly say that reached the point where I feel like I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I never dated somewhere with financial issues before, let alone ever thought I would ever be in a serious relationship with someone who is struggling with these problems.

 

Over the last year, there have been countless times that my boyfriend has been broke/short money to pay bills. He's 29 and he lives at home with his father who is sick.. Supposedly he has to help out with some of the household bills, so I'm obviously understanding of that. My boyfriend works full time and he is a hard worker, (will not deny that) but he does not get paid all that much for what he does. I've tried encouraging him to look for another better paying job, and he tells me all the time that he knows and he will..

 

at first I didn't mind, he does always paid me back in a couple days, but over the months, I grew sick of all his dramatics and as much as I do feel sorry for him, I don't want to help him out anymore. I hate being in the position where I feel obligated to help. I told him previous times where I leant him money that whatever time would be the last time.. Always reiterate that he needs to start looking for another job to make changes.. He promised me that things would change and he would start looking - of course, that doesn't happen.

 

We don't go out much, and that is another issue in itself because I can't just sit and hang out, I need to be proactive or I feel like I wasted my day. We've had multiple talks about this, he said we would start going out more. But of course, once again, he has no money to take me places.. Once in awhile he'll take me out to eat, but anything else I want to do, say a big concert for example, I'm usually stuck paying for both of us.. He always says he'll pay me but of course that never happens. (Do you see a pattern here??)

 

Which brings me to why I'm posting this in the first place.. Over the past weekend, I hit the point where I had enough.

 

He had texted me saying his Verizon bill was overdue and be said service was going to be turned off/would have to pay an additional fee to have the service turned back on. He said that he asked his friends and family members and no one would help him. He hinted around to me to give him money but I just ignored his question... He said that he was going to go to a pawn shop to sell his possessions to try to get money for the bill (of course they didn't offer him enough money to cover it when he went)

 

Later on at night, he texted me saying that he was walking the streets because his dad locked him out of the house and wouldn't let him back in until he had the money. He asked me if I could pick him up and give him a ride so he didn't have to walk around, so I said sure. I guess he figured I would bring money with me or offer to help but I didn't.. I asked him where he wanted to go but he didn't know where.. Asked him again if there's anyone he could ask and he said no on can help. So he said I could I drop him off again because he felt bad I was driving around aimlessly.. When he got out of my car it look like he was going to cry.. Truly felt so sorry for him so I decided to go get him the money.

 

On my way to the bank, he was texting me all stuff like he's going to have to sleep outside and he won't be able to go to work to get his paycheck and no ones helping him and he feels like a loser.. And he was freaking out because he didn't know what to do.. So I asked him where he was, so I found him and gave him the money. When I pulled up next to him so much anger came over me.. Told him that this is the absolute last time I'm ever doing this. Again he promised me that things will be different from now on it won't happen again.

 

Since Sunday night when this happened I've just been thinking so much about whether it's time for me to move on from this.. I really do love and care about him a lot but when I think of a future with him, I'm truly scared of all the struggles and don't feel at all secure.

 

Is this something worth fixing? Should I believe him things will be different?

[MissBee]

Things haven't been different in 15 months, at what point would they magically become different? Unfortunately, sometimes having blind hope in a dead end situation is the worst thing you can do because you keep ignoring the lack of evidence and stay based on blind hope and months and years go by of waiting for "tomorrow."

 

Just reading your experience sounds exhausting and unstable. Your boyfriend has alot of his own issues, especially with his relationship with his dad, that's morr than financial. Why would his sick dad lock him out of the house for not paying his own cellphone bill , it makes no sense. But it sounds like your bf and his dad have a weird dysfunctional relationship and on top of if your bf is bad with money and also lacking in any great ambition to do something about it. Ambition ia obvious and any man you have to coax into wanting better...it's not a good sign. You shouldn't be the one runninf behind him like his mom telling him to look for other jobs, driving him around, giving him money and then each time saying "It's the last time..." Read about codependent relationships. It's usually where one partner has an obvious problem that is damaging to the relationship and the other one acts as the fixer, whether willingly or unwillingly, and it's a cycle of this other person being freed of all responsibility for self because this other person feels bad for them. Even though it upsets you you're already in a position where "this is the last time" has come and gone and you had to do what you said you wouldn't and he said he'd never ask again.

 

I think the best thing is to break things off and tell him he needs to sort himself out. Relationships aren't just about feelings, and I realize that you can love someone dearly but it doesn't mean they are a good partner or that they even need to be in your life. If you guys cannot be equal partners with the bare minimum responsibility for yourself, what's the point? It's beyond finances. The money and financial issuez and dad issues and pawn shops and wearing all his relatives thin and you thin and you never go out and he always has some new drama about money is A LOT that affects a lot of other things and signals a lot of other issues he needs to address solo.

[katiegrl]

I am not a shrink but he sounds mentally ill. He needs to get evaluated by a professional.

 

This is NOT normal behavior.....

 

If he doesn't he may end up homeless.

 

I am serious!

 

It is not even that he is broke, despite having full time job, it is all the drama and instability !

 

Wandering the streets ??? Crying?

 

Something is off.

[Ensam]

If it was me the circumstances would matter a lot. There is being broke because you constantly overspend, have gambling issues or other problems and then there is being broke because you're not earning enough or because of other reasons that may not be under your control.

 

Personally I would be far more understanding for the latter category. At the end of the day it is also something that can usually be fixed with time whereas a habit of constantly overspending or a gambling addiction may be a lot harder to change.

 

As for him borrowing money to then pay them back or not being able to take you out somewhere nice - that's something you'll have to decide if you can manage with or not. What isn't okay is him letting you spend money on him under the pretense that you will get them back or trying to guilt trip you into supporting him.

[Gaeta]

It is not even that he is broke, despite having full time job, it is all the drama and instability !

 

Wandering the streets ??? Crying?

 

Something is off.

 

 

Truly felt so sorry for him so I decided to go get him the money.

 

 

It works on her.

[vc87]

No you cannot fix this relationship or fix him. He may be working hard but he lacks ambition. He is only 29 years old there is no reasons why he lives like this. He can get a better job or get in school and l learn a trade. Example a welding course is 18 months and jobs in welding industry starts at $18/hr and $47/hr for someone with experience.

 

You've been enduring this way too long. He is broke, irresponsible, unreliable. I wonder what the heck you see in him.

 

His current boss is paying for him to go to plumbing school so he will be going to be starting that in the fall, but that takes years to complete. The thought of having to endure this for 4/5 more years gives me a lot of worry and anxiety honestly.

 

And when it boils down to it, all the dramatics aside, he is good guy and he has a good heart and no one is ever loved or cared about me like this.. He truly is crazy about me. Don't have to worry about him cheating or straying, so in that sense I feel secure, but the money issues are starting to outweigh that

[startingagain15]

Yeah I don't think his problems have as much to do with being broke as there seems to be emotional issues. My bf is always broke due to him losing everything in his divorce, and yes I get a little sick of it. But he is proactive about at least keeping himself afloat, he works all the overtime he can, he sells stuff when he needs money, he looks for other side jobs to make money, etc. He shows me he is a hard worker, he doesn't ask me for money.

 

Your bf seems to be stuck in a cycle where he sees himself as a victim that needs to be helped instead of a grown man who needs to become responsible for himself and his financial security. I don't see him changing anytime soon by what you are saying, sorry.

[Nowty V]

Try this thread Just messed up. I may have cheated and then girlfriend did cheat on me in cheating flirting and jealousy sub form.

 

It's about a break up but it is about a Cocaine addicted person who denied everything.

 

Sounds like your man could have a closet Cocaine addiction, guaranteed to have no

money ... you'd never find out about it as he wouldn't want to share his stash.

 

It's a huge problem globally

[vc87]

If it was me the circumstances would matter a lot. There is being broke because you constantly overspend, have gambling issues or other problems and then there is being broke because you're not earning enough or because of other reasons that may not be under your control.

 

Personally I would be far more understanding for the latter category. At the end of the day it is also something that can usually be fixed with time whereas a habit of constantly overspending or a gambling addiction may be a lot harder to change.

 

As for him borrowing money to then pay them back or not being able to take you out somewhere nice - that's something you'll have to decide if you can manage with or not. What isn't okay is him letting you spend money on him under the pretense that you will get them back or trying to guilt trip you into supporting him.

 

For a while I honestly thought he might do doing drugs or something.. It just doesn't make sense to me where his money goes when he's supposed to be using it towards bills but they end up being months behind when he starts with the dramatics of desperately needing money.

[Ensam]

For a while I honestly thought he might do doing drugs or something.. It just doesn't make sense to me where his money goes when he's supposed to be using it towards bills but they end up being months behind when he starts with the dramatics of desperately needing money.

 

I would ask him if I were you to get a better insight into his economy. I don't think it's too much to ask for considering how he is constantly borrowing money from you. If he is reluctant it will be easier to turn him down the next time. And if he is doing drugs, gambling or anything like that, he needs professional help and it would be best for him as well if you knew about it.

[vc87]

Try this thread Just messed up. I may have cheated and then girlfriend did cheat on me in cheating flirting and jealousy sub form.

 

It's about a break up but it is about a Cocaine addicted person who denied everything.

 

Sounds like your man could have a closet Cocaine addiction, guaranteed to have no

money ... you'd never find out about it as he wouldn't want to share his stash.

 

It's a huge problem globally

 

Over this past weekend when this happened I straight up asked him if he's doing drugs and he got angry and denied it. When he was younger he was big into partying and drinking and doing all that stuff but he stopped.. he used to be a big pothead also, but he stopped with that too. I'm completely against any type of drug use, and he knows that very well.. Would be a total deal breaker so he might not even tell me if he was because I would break up with him no questions asked.

[Gaeta]

His current boss is paying for him to go to plumbing school so he will be going to be starting that in the fall, but that takes years to complete. The thought of having to endure this for 4/5 more years gives me a lot of worry and anxiety honestly.

 

And when it boils down to it, all the dramatics aside, he is good guy and he has a good heart and no one is ever loved or cared about me like this.. He truly is crazy about me. Don't have to worry about him cheating or straying, so in that sense I feel secure, but the money issues are starting to outweigh that

 

He needs to make a turn around and not wait on people to give him something for free over 5 years. A plumbing course is 34 months if he does it full time. or he can pick any other trade out there that would be completed in 12-18 months and pays decently.

 

I'm sure he's a good guy, the homeless guy wishing me a good morning each day at the corner of my office is also a darn good guy. Not a reason good enough for me to be in a relationship with him.

[Toodaloo]

Its harsh but you need to ditch this guy asap.

 

You are angry and that is soon going to turn to resentment.

 

Get rid asap.

 

Tell him you are unhappy, you have been for quite some time and this is not a decision you are going to go back on.

 

The for goodness sake stay away.

 

Forget the money. You are not going to get it back. Sorry about that.

[Larryville]

Your bf seems to be stuck in a cycle where he sees himself as a victim that needs to be helped instead of a grown man who needs to become responsible for himself and his financial security. I don't see him changing anytime soon by what you are saying, sorry.

 

Unfortunately, sometimes having blind hope in a dead end situation is the worst thing you can do because you keep ignoring the lack of evidence and stay based on blind hope and months and years go by of waiting for "tomorrow."

 

When I kicked his sad ass out, he start mooching off another woman. Before me: he was mooching off his ex GF. In the small intervals where he was single: mooching off his mommy (actually the mommy was his side-source all the time... and she was as well pretty angry about it). Do you see a trend. And he'll always be juuuust a step from his high-paying job

 

You've been enduring this way too long. He is broke, irresponsible, unreliable. I wonder what the heck you see in him.

 

And when it boils down to it, all the dramatics aside, he is good guy and he has a good heart and no one is ever loved or cared about me like this..

 

Look not trying to be mean or anything just being blunt...but this is another case where what is described by the OP something or someone so extraordinarily screwed up yet make excuses for them or justify why they “love” or “care” for them… or “oh they are not REALLY that bad”

 

This issue is not about the “broke dude” we don’t know him, but more about what “issues” the OP has going on with her life and self-esteem that tolerates being with someone like this.

 

Some people hang on to broke people because they believe that is all they deserve.

[vc87]

It is not even that he is broke, despite having full time job, it is all the drama and instability !

 

Wandering the streets ??? Crying?

 

Something is off.

 

Lol, I've said that to myself plenty of times honestly.. His sister and brother in law lives in town near us.. They are very close to him. When I was driving around with him, I said, "if you have no where to go, why don't you go by your sisters house?" He told me she said no and she didn't want to get involved in him and their dad's drama. When I think about it now, if it meant him sleeping on the street, who in their right mind would really tell their brother no? Makes me wonder a lot considering how close they are to begin with.

[Nowty V]

Ask to see his last three months Bank Statements ...

 

When you see amounts of money being withdrawn as 'Cash' ask "where did that go?"

 

Otherwise, you will see credit agreements withdrawing funds by direct debit to pay his debts, or a paper trail of where the money goes.

[normal person]

He's 29 and he lives at home with his father who is sick.. Supposedly he has to help out with some of the household bills, so I'm obviously understanding of that.

 

Sick father or not, broke at 29 is pretty unsatisfactory. Does the dad (who I'm assuming is at least 55) not have any money saved to cover his expenses? It's an unfortunate situation for sure, but it sounds like neither one of them bothered to save anything in the event that something unexpected happened. I don't know the whole story but that sounds like very, very poor risk management for two grown adults. I'm 29, I could easily pay some household expenses for my dad, who has also been in poor health for years -- fortunately, he worked hard, lived below his means his whole life, and saved his money to pay for his own things rather than blow it all and hand someone else the bill when things went south. The father makes his decision not to save his money the son's problem, and the son's making his decision not to save his money your problem. I don't see the appeal.

 

I've tried encouraging him to look for another better paying job, and he tells me all the time that he knows and he will..

 

And what do you say will happen if he doesn't?

 

at first I didn't mind, he does always paid me back in a couple days, but over the months, I grew sick of all his dramatics and as much as I do feel sorry for him, I don't want to help him out anymore. I hate being in the position where I feel obligated to help.

 

I don't blame you. As dicey a situation as it is, it's not your responsibility to pay for someone else's lack of planning.

 

I told him previous times where I leant him money that whatever time would be the last time..

 

...or what? Let me guess, it wasn't.

 

Always reiterate that he needs to start looking for another job to make changes.. He promised me that things would change and he would start looking - of course, that doesn't happen.

 

So basically you told him it was the last time. It wasn't, but you didn't do anything about it. So now he knows your threats are totally empty and will continue to take advantage of you (not maliciously, of course), and nothing will change. Your problem is that you didn't include any jeopardy, ex: "this is the last time I'm lending you money, I don't want my own life to hampered by your poor decisions. If you don't get a better job by the end of the month, I'm sorry, but I have to leave you."

 

We don't go out much, and that is another issue in itself because I can't just sit and hang out, I need to be proactive or I feel like I wasted my day. We've had multiple talks about this, he said we would start going out more. But of course, once again, he has no money to take me places..

 

And once again, you haven't held him accountable for his words.

 

 

Once in awhile he'll take me out to eat, but anything else I want to do, say a big concert for example, I'm usually stuck paying for both of us.. He always says he'll pay me but of course that never happens. (Do you see a pattern here??)

 

Yeah, the pattern is you letting him take advantage of you by not holding him accountable for anything.

 

Which brings me to why I'm posting this in the first place.. Over the past weekend, I hit the point where I had enough.

 

[...]

Later on at night, he texted me saying that he was walking the streets because his dad locked him out of the house and wouldn't let him back in until he had the money.

 

So after the son pays the father's bills, the father locks his own son out because he's incapable of paying them anymore? This guy doesn't sound particularly nice, or smart.

 

 

He asked me if I could pick him up and give him a ride so he didn't have to walk around, so I said sure. I guess he figured I would bring money with me or offer to help but I didn't.. I asked him where he wanted to go but he didn't know where.. Asked him again if there's anyone he could ask and he said no on can help. So he said I could I drop him off again because he felt bad I was driving around aimlessly.. When he got out of my car it look like he was going to cry.. Truly felt so sorry for him so I decided to go get him the money.

 

 

On my way to the bank, he was texting me all stuff like he's going to have to sleep outside and he won't be able to go to work to get his paycheck and no ones helping him and he feels like a loser..

 

And he was freaking out because he didn't know what to do.. So I asked him where he was, so I found him and gave him the money. When I pulled up next to him so much anger came over me.. Told him that this is the absolute last time I'm ever doing this. Again he promised me that things will be different from now on it won't happen again.

 

Since Sunday night when this happened I've just been thinking so much about whether it's time for me to move on from this.. I really do love and care about him a lot but when I think of a future with him, I'm truly scared of all the struggles and don't feel at all secure.

 

Is this something worth fixing? Should I believe him things will be different?

 

Well, he's been telling you "things will be different" for quite some time now, and they've only gotten worse (although, technically "different" -- I'm guessing you were expecting a positive change rather than a negative one).

 

How do you see things getting better? He never does the things you ask him to do and is totally dependent on you. You've been funding his life, but still his poor decisions and inability to do better have rendered him essentially homeless and you're wondering if it's worth fixing? It's not your responsibility to cover for his (and/or his father's) poor decisions. Until he actually changes, which it doesn't sound like he'll ever do, he'll be an anchor holding you down as long as you're with him. If I were you, I'd leave him ASAP. The family has not done itself any favors and it's highly unlikely they'll ever do you any.

[Gaeta]

Lol, I've said that to myself plenty of times honestly.. His sister and brother in law lives in town near us.. They are very close to him. When I was driving around with him, I said, "if you have no where to go, why don't you go by your sisters house?" He told me she said no and she didn't want to get involved in him and their dad's drama. When I think about it now, if it meant him sleeping on the street, who in their right mind would really tell their brother no? Makes me wonder a lot considering how close they are to begin with.

 

 

You are looking at this the wrong way.

 

She told him no because she knows him and she knows it's the same sh$t over and over again so she is not getting involved again. She loves her brother, don't doubt it but the difference is that she is not blinded by being in love with him like you are. She knows how to set boundaries, you don't.

[normal person]

And when it boils down to it, all the dramatics aside, he is good guy and he has a good heart and no one is ever loved or cared about me like this.. He truly is crazy about me. Don't have to worry about him cheating or straying, so in that sense I feel secure, but the money issues are starting to outweigh that

 

Who cares how "good" he is or how much he cares about you if he can't take care of himself? Who cares how crazy he is about you if he's destitute, crying, and living on the street? How can you possibly care about having someone's love when they have the financial sense and security of a 3 year old, and like a 3 year old, are totally dependent on you for everything? This man is a really just a big child. Would you be that devastated if a 3 year old had developed an affinity for you, and then suddenly decided they didn't like you anymore (as fickle 3 year olds tend to do)?

 

Essentially, why are you so concerned with the love of someone who can't even wipe their own ass?