Ex ended our friendship and I am devastated

[AnnaKavan]

I'm new here, and this is going to be long so I apologize in advance. Just looking for insight, suggestions, any kind of perspective that might help with all my pain and confusion.

 

 

 

A year ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years. This is the second time we broke up, and both times were initiated by me. Both times, his negativity and anger issues played big roles in my decision to end it.

 

My feelings about this man are so wrapped up in knots. Here’s one side of the coin: he was the best friend that I have ever had and he was a good partner about half of the time. He can be wonderful—sweet, fun, witty, extremely loyal, considerate. We had so many great times together, had tons of inside jokes, traveled across the country together, had many conversations late into the night.

 

BUT there is a flip side to him and to our relationship. I’ve often thought that I feel like I am dealing with two entirely different people. It’s maddening and sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy because I go back and forth in my mind about this man so drastically.

 

His negativity has been a constant stress on our relationship. He often has a horrible attitude about life and about other people. He always managed to blame someone or something else on his misfortune, even when the events were his own fault. Defaulting on student loans (he made no effort to make the payments despite having the money), having a car repossessed (again, missed payment), working long hours in manual labor as a temp—there was no shortage of hopelessness for this man, or ways for him to blame someone or something else, including me.

 

The trouble problem with all this was that he didn’t at all mind dragging me down into his deep pit of negativity. I did everything I could for him but my options were limited. I listened, sympathized, helped him out when money got short (he always worked and did a good job of carrying his own weight though), offered to help get him through school if he decided to go back. I can remember trying to come up with ways to solve his problems as he shot all my suggestions down one by one. He was obviously jealous of me because I had ended up in a university job with benefits, but I had taken the necessary steps to get through school while working several jobs in order to get to that place. He continued to insist that going back to school was impossible for him, while doing nothing to settle his debt or improve his job situation.

 

I can remember getting so frustrated. I remember during one crisis (overdrawn bank account, maybe) he said, “What are YOU so upset about? This isn’t happening to you.” It was, indeed, happening to me, along with everything else that happened to him.

 

He also has pretty bad anger issues. About 9 months into our relationship, the fights started, and they could get horrible. We would yell and insult each other, and he would get up in my face and scream as I sobbed. A couple times, he backed me into corners, and once picked me up and threw me onto the couch. This was really scary, and I couldn’t believe this was happening with my best friend, the one I was so in love with. He has also flipped out in public a few different times (usually when he has been drinking), punching walls and being generally scary and embarrassing.

 

 

He was badly abused as a child, so I excused his anger issues for a long time, but at some point it became apparent to me that even childhood abuse is not an excuse for such a bad attitude and poor treatment of other people, especially someone you are in a relationship with. After 2 and a half years, I broke up with him after a particularly bad fight, and the breakup lasted a year. We missed each other, and decided to try again.

 

Long story short(er), our relationship lasted another 4 years with many ups and downs before it floundered a second time. We were fighting badly and the resentment was tangible. He worked all the time, and I had found new activities to occupy myself on the weekends. He was hanging out with new friends from work and sometimes coming home late, drunk and high. We had not slept together in several months.

 

He moved out but we remained friends for 6 months afterward. We would go to movies, music shows, out for drinks. We got along great at times, to the point where it sometimes seemed like we might reconcile. Other times when the negativity and resentment came out, I was thrilled to have my own place to go home to. I felt such a sense of freedom. And I have made strides in my life that I probably wouldn’t have had I stayed in the relationship. I quit smoking (he is a pack a day smoker who does not want to quit), I went on a lot of hikes, I’ve made a couple new friends. I’ve started thinking more positively about life in the absence of his often-morose presence.

 

Then, a month ago, he abruptly shut off the friendship, saying that it hurt too much to go on being friends with me when he knows that we will never get back together. I think there is someone else. I feel heartbroken and as if I made a horrible mistake. I feel as if I gave up on a relationship that maybe could have been patched. I have realized that I clung onto the relationship for so long because the idea of losing him as a friend absolutely terrified me. It still does.

 

A year ago, I listened to his put-downs and scornful words and thought there was no way in hell I would ever want this person in my life again. Now I am thinking about the good parts—the sweet, loyal, considerate man who was my companion and best friend. How could he be the same man who put me down, screamed at me on occasion, and had such a hateful attitude? Despite myself, I miss him horribly and can't help feeling like I made the mistake of my life by throwing out a relationship I had spent 7 whole years on. Another (also significant) part of me sees this as an opportunity to move on in life and maybe eventually find a healthier, more loving and stable relationship.

 

 

 

Not really sure what I want here. Maybe just some input or advice, if aspects of this sound familiar to something you have experienced.

[Zahara]

I miss him horribly and can't help feeling like I made the mistake of my life by throwing out a relationship I had spent 7 whole years on. Another (also significant) part of me sees this as an opportunity to move on in life and maybe eventually find a healthier, more loving and stable relationship.

 

The mistake was investing 7 years of your life and remaining in a relationship with someone that was abusive to you. The duration of a relationship doesn't justify you staying in it. You chose to invest those 7 years regardless of the many red flag that you put up with. 7 years is a long time -- BUT quality, not quantity.

 

A "friend" in its true definition isn't someone that picks you up and throws you down, screams at you, calls you names, envies you for your accomplishments. You used the term "friends" as an excuse to stay in his life. That's all it was.

 

Stay complete NC with him. It's normal to idealize/romanticize an ex, even when they were not so nice to us but in time when the emotional fog starts to lift, you'll see him for who he is. For now, you'll waffle and you'll feel sad for the loss but it won't always be this way.

 

Block him. There is a chance that someone like him, will come around again when he is seeking another opportunity.

[Satu]

Your ex was never your friend.

 

He was your abuser.

[NTV]

Maybe you should just be single for a while? Make new friends (male & female), figure out who you are when you're not attached to someone?

 

 

Is that idea scary to you?

[AnnaKavan]

Thank you so much for your honest replies. It hurts, but it is a relief to hear someone describe this man as abusive. In my worst moments I feel awful about dumping the good, devoted, loyal, generous, funny version of him, while managing to forget or downplay all the unforgivable ways he treated me (all relationships have fights, everyone yells at each other sometimes, I insulted him too, I should have just hung in there and worked on it, etc., etc.)

 

He sent a text about two weeks ago letting me know he had started seeing someone else "in case I saw them out together". That was like a knife in the stomach, but I did not reply--I knew an emotional reply was what he was after.

Within the past week he has sent a couple more, asking about things he left at my place and how I have been. I have sent short, courteous and neutral replies. So even though we have had contact, I feel as if I am setting up a sort of wall in which he does not have access to manipulate my emotions. It is going to be difficult not to reply to him--but I think that is what is in order if I ever hope to move on.

[AnnaKavan]

Maybe you should just be single for a while? Make new friends (male & female), figure out who you are when you're not attached to someone?

 

 

Is that idea scary to you?

 

 

Yes, being single is very scary to me. I enjoy being alone, but have not been COMPLETELY on my own in a long, long time. But I think you are definitely right. The problem has always been that he has been my only friend, or close to it, for years. I think I'm on the right path though. I feel an almost obsessive need to keep busy so I don't just stew around thinking about my ex.

[Satu]

Thank you so much for your honest replies. It hurts, but it is a relief to hear someone describe this man as abusive. In my worst moments I feel awful about dumping the good, devoted, loyal, generous, funny version of him, while managing to forget or downplay all the unforgivable ways he treated me (all relationships have fights, everyone yells at each other sometimes, I insulted him too, I should have just hung in there and worked on it, etc., etc.)

 

He sent a text about two weeks ago letting me know he had started seeing someone else "in case I saw them out together". That was like a knife in the stomach, but I did not reply--I knew an emotional reply was what he was after.

Within the past week he has sent a couple more, asking about things he left at my place and how I have been. I have sent short, courteous and neutral replies. So even though we have had contact, I feel as if I am setting up a sort of wall in which he does not have access to manipulate my emotions. It is going to be difficult not to reply to him--but I think that is what is in order if I ever hope to move on.

 

No contact is your healthiest option.

 

Time for an emotional detox.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[NTV]

Have you been to any meetups?

 

 

I would also caution you about jumping into a new relationship this early. Just because he's done it doesn't make it a good idea....

[AnnaKavan]

I actually started going to Meetups a couple years ago, when I wanted to find people to go hiking with. I've made a couple friends that way as well as a lot of acquaintances.

 

I would be a complete basket case in a relationship right now, and there's no one I'm interested in anyway. I've been doing a lot of things alone--going to movies, going for walks, getting dinner, having a drink, going for bike rides and walks. I kind of enjoy doing things alone; it was one of the things I missed when I was with my ex. I have a couple friends that I do things with weekly or so as well.

 

Just still have those times when I get depressed because I'm positive I won't ever find anyone who will understand me as well as my ex (although when I really think about it, I don't think he "got" me as well as I tend to remember).

[NTV]

Someone that gets you off the bat doesn't the chance to learn who you are over time. ...

[PegNosePete]

he was a good partner about half of the time

HALF the time? Why on earth did you stay with him? I would say that if someone is only a good partner 90% of the time, they are a bad match! If you want a long term relationship you should find someone who is a good partner at least 99% of the time. That 1% you can let them off as stressed from work etc but even then, they should not be doing the things your ex did to you. Nothing excuses that kind of behaviour and it should be an immediate deal-breaker.

 

Your ex was never your friend.

 

He was your abuser.

Exactly, this. He has done you a favour by removing himself from your life, even f you don't see it as such. You should make sure he is never allowed to re-enter it. Even if you can't see it, or are only just beginning to see it, you are better off without him - both as a boyfriend and as a "friend".

[AnnaKavan]

HALF the time? Why on earth did you stay with him? I would say that if someone is only a good partner 90% of the time, they are a bad match!

 

I guess 80% might be a fairer estimate. The other 20% he was just inconsistent, not all of it aimed at me. Morose, negative, moody, tense and silent, etc. The really bad parts were less than 5%, maybe even less than 1% but that is enough.

 

I also cannot believe the kinds of behavior I have put up with from him. A lot of it had to do with not having many social outlets besides him. There was that disaster/relief cycle of fighting and making up, over and over. Sometimes we went long stretches without any fights at all, to the point where I would think it was all in the past.

 

I can see how he has done me a favor by getting out of my life. Even when we were just hanging out after the breakup, he said and did some things that made me think I would just cut him out of my life. At heart, he thinks he is smarter and better than most people around him, and that has come to include me. Oh well, let him think that, I guess.

 

Not sure why I would be regretting the decision to break up with this guy. I guess that's why I posted here--to talk some sense into my mind which is rather clouded with hurt and regret right now!

[PegNosePete]

You really need to clarify and solidify your decision to break up, in your mind. Because he WILL be back. Abusers rarely exit someone's life for good unless they are forced to. He will be back because he knows your triggers, knows how to manipulate you, knows how to wrap you around his little finger. Whenever he feels like an easy lay or a bit of fun, he will be knocking on your door saying how he's changed and it will all be great this time.

 

You need to make sure that when he does come back into your life, you slam the door in his face. Literally and metaphorically.