Father had Affair... Chances of it lasting? will he get his karma?: STORY

[Sam91]

Hi, I'm Sam and I'm new to this fourm... and I need some advice -- I put this on another site:

 

My dad had an emotional affair with a woman who happens to be his tennent and it had been going on for 18 months. It started in typical midlife crisis mode – cannot stand getting older: drinking far too much (sometimes 6-7 hours at a time – coming back at 4am in the morning), being very distant and agressive to us,dressing far too young for his age (he’s 54). He is a very narsasistic person (think he has ‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) myself). My mother has MS and I have Aspergers, in the past year he has insulted me, my brother and mother to our faces and in the past has come between us and our friends pushing them away, causing us to fall out with them. He annouced that he was having an affair to us about two weeks before Christmas, only lasting 4 weeks before he came back to us sobbing saying that he was sorry for what he had done… then he had this idea to go to Manchester, UK (which he had told is OW about) with me and my brother, only we didn’t go to Manchester, but Liverpool and he when with my mother, sleeping with her (wether she knows that I have no idea). When we came back he parked his car in a local swimming pool car park – so she’s couldn’t see it… went home and didn’t even tell her that he had no intentions of coming back to her. She then sent him a text saying “well then?” and another one calling him a “spineless bastard! or how could he do this to her and her family?” – How how ironic! Things were getting better slowly but surely with my mother and father, although I was still suspicious that he was stil in contact with her. My mother asked him to kick her out of the house and to sell it, also telling him to block her number. We also bought a family caravan too (at this point I think he had no plans to go back to her). While at home he slated her and her family saying that they are “scumbags”, “lazy”, “her son is ugly, disrespectful and had bad teeth and breath”, “her daughters were fat sluts”, and that her house was dirty, that she didn’t clean or wash up after herself… But then about two months later my mother went on his online phone account and discovered that he’d been texting her for about a month. He made this stupid idea of getting a flat (an appartment) to stay in while he got his head sorted out (which he didn’t). A few weeks after he left he my mother discovered another number that he had been text while he was carrying on his EA with her (which we have reasons to believe it was her own sister that he’s been banging as a sidepiece), we’ve told her and she chooses to not believe it. She tells my mother that she thinks it’s good what shes done and that me and mt brother are adults, NOT children anymore (which is true – I am 24 and he is 23). But when he comes to our house now it’s like he has a time limit on him and he comes without his phone (like she can’t trust him just coming around to our house) – if she’s insecure this early on (17 weeks into the relationship, how is she going to trust him in the future?). When he comes around he starts crying for no reason, and when I ask him wether he loves my mum or the OW, he says he will always love my mother, and when I ask about her he says well… “I don’t know… and sometimes even goes silent”…. what’s all that about then? I don’t think he’s happy – When I ask how he is liking living in a tiny house with a scumbag (she is from the lowlife area of the city)… he says “that it’s not ideal”. Myself I don’t think it will last at all, because if she cannot trust him and he is miserable already, they’ll probably drive each other insane… He hasn’t changed any of this post/mail to the address he is at now: “She must be thinking if he hasn’t changed his mail to THIS house is he intending on staying with me/us? I think he has some kind of masterplan that he’s not telling someone.

 

The reason for him leaving was typical midlife crisis: She boosted up his ego, dressing too young for his age (he's 54) (she's 45)... made him feel young again, and he found us boring - only left because my mum is ill with MS... He also hasn't changed his address on his post (so she must be thinking "does he intend on staying with me, and he's cheated on her twice (which she refuses to believe)... I think she and her family is a golddigger, who is just after his money and when they've spent it all they'll dump him... She works in a 'fish and chip shop'... and comes from a lowlife area...

He also dosen't agree with the reason for divorce (adultery, unreasonble behaviuour)... he doesn't seem to think that he's doing or has done anything wrong, and she has said to him "Oh, your family and friends will come around eventually... as if she's trying to convince herself, like she's insecure.

[Jersey born raised]

Wait, he took you and your brother with OW and no one has told your mother?

 

I understand the concept of hate the sin, love the sinner but what if the sin causes devastation to others and continues to sin. You and your brother need to 180 him. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Yes I know this is advise for SO in your mothers position but adultery harms everyone in the family.

 

Does this fit your dad during the "good times"

 

Generally, you will not find the full-blown BPDers to be scary at all. The vast majority of them are high functioning individuals who typically exhibit a warmth, spontaneity, and childlike purity of expression that makes them very likable, fun, and easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. You typically will never see a BPDer's dark side unless you make the mistake of trying to establish a close friendship, at which point you will start triggering the BPDer's two fears (abandonment and engulfment).

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If so read downtown posts.