Rude boy Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 My two year old daughter just falls apart when I leave her with her mother. My ex has full custody, but we really split her, and evey time I leave her she is beside herself and wants me to stay, usually I sneak out of my ex's house so we don't have to go through the hysterics. She has the cutest little cry face, but the saddest little cry I've ever heard and it gets me right in the chest every time. My ex has taken it on as the new guilt trip, because if I was a real father I would stay rather than have my daughter go through that sadness. I think it's something she'll grow out of, but in the meantime can I make it easier on her? Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 My two year old daughter just falls apart when I leave her with her mother. My ex has full custody, but we really split her, and evey time I leave her she is beside herself and wants me to stay, usually I sneak out of my ex's house so we don't have to go through the hysterics. She has the cutest little cry face, but the saddest little cry I've ever heard and it gets me right in the chest every time. My ex has taken it on as the new guilt trip, because if I was a real father I would stay rather than have my daughter go through that sadness. I think it's something she'll grow out of, but in the meantime can I make it easier on her? Unfortunately, not much. Just make sure that you don't seem too upset when you're leaving, have a happy face, say ''bye-bye'' and ''see you in a couple of days'', mostly positive things that show her that you're not actually leaving her. Maybe also get her a special toy and tell her that it substitutes for daddy when you're not there and it's a way for you to still be with her even when you're not actually with her? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 great advice, Noelle. i really... REALLY like you. OP - be happy + assure her daily that you're not going anywhere... when you leave her say something like -- okay, see you in two days! reassure her that you WILL be back and that you'll spend time with her again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Use it as an opportunity to teach her to count and learn the days of the week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 Yeah, I try to do that when I leave, and on days I'm not with her I Skype her or call. Sometimes we do all three in a day. I try to talk to her as much as I can. I try to take her at least twice a week. When she stays with me she gets in my bed while I'm sleeping. It was bugging me so I asked my ex if it happened to her too, and she said when she has her she stays in her own bed all night 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 She's a daddy's girl! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 She's a daddy's girl! Like you wouldn't believe. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 4, 2016 Author Share Posted July 4, 2016 I got her a little stuffed alligator. She loves the Disney movie Fantasia so I thought she'd like it. I told her that it tells me when she gets upset when I leave, and so I know when she needs me or she being naughty. My ex keeps send me videos of her whispering to it. It's cracking me up. She hasn't set it down since I gave it to her so hopefully it'll make things a little easier for us. I won't see her for a while because I've got tons of work to do, I think this will be the longest I've gone without seeing her. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 Noelle gave good advice. Keep in mind, too, that your daughter is right on the cusp of the oedipal phase, which may explain why she wants to sleep in your bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 11, 2016 Author Share Posted July 11, 2016 Noelle gave good advice. Keep in mind, too, that your daughter is right on the cusp of the oedipal phase, which may explain why she wants to sleep in your bed. I didn't know that was real... I've been looking into it to see what I'm up against. I'll admit it's always scary when roll over on her. I've only done it one and woke up immediately, but I felt so bad after. It's also annoying when she pulls my comforter over to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I didn't know that was real... I've been looking into it to see what I'm up against. I'll admit it's always scary when roll over on her. I've only done it one and woke up immediately, but I felt so bad after. It's also annoying when she pulls my comforter over to her. this is just so adorable and cute to read. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 12, 2016 Author Share Posted July 12, 2016 this is just so adorable and cute to read. Its not as adorable at 3 am trust me. Originally, I'd put her back in her bed, but she kept coming back! So I deal with it, and she always puts her head on my pillow. So I tell her if she wants to in my room she better use her pillow. My ex did that all the time too, so I think she might've learned it from her :rolleyes:she's silly. I wouldn't have it any other way though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 never ever sneak away/out. say goodbye, tell her where you are going and when you will be back. so she can trust you. as it is now, you disappear. make a goodbye, leave. don't teach her that tears make anyone do something they can't or won't. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 never ever sneak away/out. say goodbye, tell her where you are going and when you will be back. so she can trust you. as it is now, you disappear. make a goodbye, leave. don't teach her that tears make anyone do something they can't or won't. I was just going to say the same thing. Sneaking away makes her feel out of control. Smile, be upbeat, tell her you can't wait til you get to see her again so you can hear all about the cool stuff she's been doing since you last saw her, and let her feel like this is perfectly normal...and she will soon feel the same thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 Its not as adorable at 3 am trust me. i believe you, lol! but my gosh... this thread = overload of cuteness. Link to post Share on other sites
Clep Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Don't sneak out. When parents sneak out what the do is create an insecure child who is clingy, as they never know when the parent will just disappear. That is traumatic for a child not to be able to even say bye to their parent. I don't know how long it has been but repetition in leaving and coming back will alleviate that over time. Say bye, love you, and see you soon. Don't address the hysterics. As a wee girl, the hysterics are to get you to stay and is very normal for her age. Yes, she is expressing sadness but that looks like crying, not hysterics. Once she sees the hysterics aren't working in conjunction with saying bye to her she will improve much quicker. I would leave her the shirt you have worn that day and a special stuffy you have given her for bed time at moms house. She can smell you and hug her stuffy. I used to do this all the time with kids and it worked wonders. Maybe see if you can call her in the evenings to help her feel more connected on a daily basis. Help her start learning the calendar. Provide her one to take to moms so she can cross off the days to see dad. Is it possible to take her for a couple of evenings a week and take her back to moms after to sleep there? She will respond quicker to you leaving her with more repetition that you will be returning for her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted July 20, 2016 Author Share Posted July 20, 2016 She's doing a little better. I went and saw her the other night and she was covering me with her blanket and sitting on me and every time my ex would try and do something for her she'd scream no and have me do it. Then I fell asleep on their couch with her in my arms of course she had her little crocodile I gave her the whole time. My ex says she has it in one hand and her blanket in the other at all times. She was a little better when I left. Finally no screaming at the top of her lungs. She cried but it wasn't as bad. Maybe there's an end in sight! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 20, 2016 Share Posted July 20, 2016 she loves her dad. i'm super glad things are better! i believe it will work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted August 6, 2016 Author Share Posted August 6, 2016 My ex and I got in a fight tonight because my little honey bee called and wanted to come over to sleep in my bed. I had a date with a gorgeous girl, but she was really upset and I will always cancel for her. Nothing is more important than my child. I went over to their house and my ex wouldn't let me take her. It was her weekend, and she didn't care that the baby wanted me, though she made no point of this over the phone before I cancelled my date. I told her it was rude, but controlled my temper, and she spit in my face and lunged at me with the baby in the room. I found that very disrespectful, and disgusting. Not to mention, what if she remembers that? I turned around and walked out without saying goodbye to my honey bee. I cried about that when I got home, but I just had to get out before she hurt me. I feel like a bad father. After trying so hard to get her to feel okay with me leaving, and then this. I'm trying so hard to be a good father, I've gone to rehab, I've not fought any court judgements, and remained civil, and she remains immovable. Thoughts? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 6, 2016 Share Posted August 6, 2016 Get a bound notebook (like a diary) and start recording every single interaction you have with your ex and with your daughter. Even if it seems pointless. Just jot down a note every night, with that day's date. Eventually, if things are spiraling out of control you'll have had it documented very well and it might help if the government needs to intervene. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted August 6, 2016 Author Share Posted August 6, 2016 Get a bound notebook (like a diary) and start recording every single interaction you have with your ex and with your daughter. Even if it seems pointless. Just jot down a note every night, with that day's date. Eventually, if things are spiraling out of control you'll have had it documented very well and it might help if the government needs to intervene. I will. I tried to get custody, and she brought up rehab, my assault charge and had texts from me, but conviently not her texts that started the texts from me. I lost. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted August 6, 2016 Share Posted August 6, 2016 My ex and I got in a fight tonight because my little honey bee called and wanted to come over to sleep in my bed. I had a date with a gorgeous girl, but she was really upset and I will always cancel for her. Nothing is more important than my child. I went over to their house and my ex wouldn't let me take her. It was her weekend, and she didn't care that the baby wanted me, though she made no point of this over the phone before I cancelled my date. I told her it was rude, but controlled my temper, and she spit in my face and lunged at me with the baby in the room. I found that very disrespectful, and disgusting. Not to mention, what if she remembers that? I turned around and walked out without saying goodbye to my honey bee. I cried about that when I got home, but I just had to get out before she hurt me. I feel like a bad father. After trying so hard to get her to feel okay with me leaving, and then this. I'm trying so hard to be a good father, I've gone to rehab, I've not fought any court judgements, and remained civil, and she remains immovable. Thoughts? Parenting time and visits are decided by the parents. When your daughter asks you to come over during mom's time tell her no (without blaming mom or saying you "can't") and that you'll see her on whatever day your next parenting time is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted August 6, 2016 Share Posted August 6, 2016 I am glad you are spending as much time with your little girl as possible, but you are doing a couple things wrong. 1. I get that she's super important to you, but you should not have cancelled your date with this girl. That's not fair to the girl and it starts to set a precedent that you will drop everything for your kid even if it's not your weekend. The weekends you don't have your daughter, you should be enjoying yourself as a single man (and yes that includes dating) 2. Parenting time is set by the parents (and sometimes the courts) Just because your daughter wanted you there, does not mean you get to infringe on her mother's time with her. What your ex did is incredibly rude but you were ALSO rude by interrupting your ex's time with her daughter. Your daughter is already learning how to manipulate the situations. Be careful that you don't allow this to continue any further. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 6, 2016 Share Posted August 6, 2016 I was thinking the same thing. Keep track of what your ex does, but your daughter needs to learn how divorce works. And she needs to learn how to control her own feelings; she's already shown she's very emotional - if she figures out you'll come running, she'll never learn to self-soothe. You'll help her turn into a VERY unhealthy woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rude boy Posted August 6, 2016 Author Share Posted August 6, 2016 Oh no... the last thing I want to do is hurt her. My ex (girlfriend, not wife btw) told me to come over to the house. When I said it was rude for her to have me come over and cancel my date is when she spit on me. If she doesn't want me to have her on her days, don't call me and tell me to do something about it if she won't let me. She's the one who picked up the phone. I guess I charge over there because I worry about both of them, and I'm in love with them, so it feels like I have to be there. Link to post Share on other sites
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