Great marriage, but no sex

[Heron]

I'm 45 and my husband is almost 50. I can't imagine a better marriage; we are compatible in every life goal and he is so supportive of my demanding career. We are financially stable and on the same page about kids (none).

 

The only problem is he absolutely is not interested in sex. He is not getting it anywhere else. He has been tested and is low in testosterone, but there is no treatment he can take because he has a blood disorder that would respond negatively to any kind of hormone supplementation.

 

He's not a porn kind of guy. I think I interrupted him masturbating once but that's rare (I think).

 

I made a lot of changes because I was convinced it was me. I lost weight (I gained some as I had a thyroid issue and hit perimenopause - but now I'm hitting the gym and have lost almost 20 pounds, totally normal bodyweight). I was kind of depressed due to work and I changed my work to something we are both proud of. I got more serious about my exercise and started accompanying him to his races -- he's a cyclist.

 

Long story short, absolutely nothing I did -- changing my appearance, initiating, talking about it, etc...nothing changed anything. He got upset when I had a long conversation about it with him but we have basically settled into once per month. Maybe. Nothing happened as a result of a few attempted conversations. He keeps saying 'it's not you.'

 

I feel like I'm too young for an almost completely sexless marriage. He has also gotten kind of selfish. Which means that I don't look forward to it at all when we do have sex because I know it's not going to happen for me or I just feel pressure to hurry up.

 

The only thing I could do is more role play but it really makes me uncomfortable. He likes the dominatrix scenario but I really don't. It makes me feel abusive. I do do it though and he does respond, but I really don't want to have sex like that every time.

 

Does anyone have any advice or is this just my life now?

[DKT3]

I am think your husband is really selfish...i mean even with low T there are ways to please your woman with a little effort.

[SammySammy]

There are natural ways to increase testosterone.

 

What is he willing to do to satisfy you? How high your sexual satisfaction is on his list of priorities may tell us where you stand.

 

But, if he's willing, I believe there's a way.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think the first step is being honest about the degree to which this affects your marriage.

 

In other words, you can't have a "great marriage" with "no sex", given all the latter implies.

 

You'll have to hold his feet to the fire and force him to address this, probably in the face of considerable resistance, resentment and reluctance. From your post, it doesn't seem you've really conveyed to him the degree to which this matters to you - and hope it matters to him.

 

Doing so would be an important first step...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

The only thing I could do is more role play but it really makes me uncomfortable. He likes the dominatrix scenario but I really don't. It makes me feel abusive. I do do it though and he does respond, but I really don't want to have sex like that every time.

This really stuck out at me. If he is *really* into BDSM, it may be a significant reason why vanilla sex doesn't happen as much for you.

 

It is more than just role-playing; it is a seriously, in-depth psychological sensation that - for many of us - is an abject need and how we feel complete. There are some in the community who are able to perform "vanilla" sex but it sounds like your husband may not be one of those.

 

Perhaps it is time to have a frank discussion about this interest and - if you want the marriage to survive - do some investigation into the psychology (and not role play!) of BDSM. You might see it isn't about being abusive at all.

[Cablebandit]

This really stuck out at me. If he is *really* into BDSM, it may be a significant reason why vanilla sex doesn't happen as much for you.

 

It is more than just role-playing; it is a seriously, in-depth psychological sensation that - for many of us - is an abject need and how we feel complete. There are some in the community who are able to perform "vanilla" sex but it sounds like your husband may not be one of those.

 

Perhaps it is time to have a frank discussion about this interest and - if you want the marriage to survive - do some investigation into the psychology (and not role play!) of BDSM. You might see it isn't about being abusive at all.

 

very informative post. Thanks!

[Heron]

This really stuck out at me. If he is *really* into BDSM, it may be a significant reason why vanilla sex doesn't happen as much for you.

 

It is more than just role-playing; it is a seriously, in-depth psychological sensation that - for many of us - is an abject need and how we feel complete. There are some in the community who are able to perform "vanilla" sex but it sounds like your husband may not be one of those.

 

Perhaps it is time to have a frank discussion about this interest and - if you want the marriage to survive - do some investigation into the psychology (and not role play!) of BDSM. You might see it isn't about being abusive at all.

 

First of all, I'm not vanilla. Like at all. And I am familiar with BDSM.

 

You know why it makes me feel abusive? Because I have been raped and verbally abused. I can do it sometimes but not all the time. I don't want a BDSM lifestyle. And yes, I've had counseling so please don't go suggesting that I should force myself to have constant sex in a way I don't really like.

 

Another reason I don't like it is that I could very easily see myself taking my abuse out in that role, which as you know is not cool.

 

We used to have all kinds of sex all the time, now he's more interested in cycling than me in that way.

[Heron]

I think the first step is being honest about the degree to which this affects your marriage.

 

In other words, you can't have a "great marriage" with "no sex", given all the latter implies.

 

You'll have to hold his feet to the fire and force him to address this, probably in the face of considerable resistance, resentment and reluctance. From your post, it doesn't seem you've really conveyed to him the degree to which this matters to you - and hope it matters to him.

 

Doing so would be an important first step...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Good point but I get shut down every time. I would need to really keep forcing it. I guess I just don't want to beg because it makes me feel pathetic. I was really hoping getting in better shape would do it.

[Heron]

There are natural ways to increase testosterone.

 

What is he willing to do to satisfy you? How high your sexual satisfaction is on his list of priorities may tell us where you stand.

 

But, if he's willing, I believe there's a way.

 

Sometimes I get oral but it's pretty rare.

 

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it I wonder if the perimenopause made him feel lousy about his efforts when he did make them (it affects lubrication). I did tell him this but this is a guy who bought me a diamond engagement ring while unemployed even though I told him I would be happy with something else because "that's how men are judged."

 

Maybe he feels like there's no pleasing me, when in reality a tube of KY solves that problem.

[Phoenician]

It is amazing how selfish ppl can hide behind low T , Hormones , low desire , etc....

 

if he is great guy as it seems , why doesn't he at least try to make you cum from Oral, and so many other sexual experiences ?

it is because he is selfish ,

 

I have a partner at home like this ,if she desires ( rarely once a month) she could come easily even without PIV ,actually in this case she doesn't really orgasm from PIV .

 

If I am feeling horny and desire her , and she is not really up to it ( silly excuses), she wouldn't even touch me ...

 

those are selfish ppl , they suck happiness from your heart ....

[central]

You may have a great financial partner, a great friend, a great roommate, but you don't have a great marriage. Marriage these days is primarily a romantic, sexual institution - it has evolved from being primarily a financial, political, and reproductive arrangement.

 

 

I was your age when I divorced my ex for sexual incompatibility (and some other issues, too, but that was the primary motivation and had been for decades). It sounds like you can embrace BDSM or someone else, as your husband has no interest in embracing you as you are.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would need to really keep forcing it. I guess I just don't want to beg because it makes me feel pathetic.

 

Advocating for a healthy sexual relationship isn't begging. And making yourself a sexual martyr isn't helping your marriage.

 

Have you considered marriage counseling? There are therapists specializing in sexual issues. And before you say "he won't go", you might think about how you'd frame the question. If it's either/or, he won't have much choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

I have said this before - there are two main reasons to have sex -

 

1) for you own pleasure/drive/orgasm/money/commitment/power/manipulation/ self esteem.YOU get something out of sex - what ever that benefit is for YOU.

 

2) for the other persons pleasure and joy or perhaps a duty as a partner. You give to them.

 

I think often sex is some mix of the two types of reasons for sex - for most people.

 

I am married to a woman who was 90% Type I. With therapy and work she is maybe 66% Type I and 33% Type II.

 

Your husband is 100% type one. Selfish.

 

I agree with others - he has a mouth, hands, and could get toys too. He could take care of his wife other ways. He wont.

 

I assume he has blood clotting issues and can't take Testosterone replacement? Have you gotten a second opinion or a third? I would go visit a doctor or two on your own to confirm this view point that he can't take T.

[dichotomy]

Advocating for a healthy sexual relationship isn't begging. And making yourself a sexual martyr isn't helping your marriage.

 

Have you considered marriage counseling? There are therapists specializing in sexual issues. And before you say "he won't go", you might think about how you'd frame the question. If it's either/or, he won't have much choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

true story many years ago..

 

I told my wife I needed help and would she come see a therapist to help me. She was a bit surprised and angry to find out she was sitting across from a a sex and marriage therapist who then started asking her why she was not having sex that much with me.

 

It got the ball rolling as ultimatums to see sex therapist would not have gotten her in the door.

[mikeylo]

You dont have a great marriage. You have a great roommate and someone to eat food together with or go out and tag along with and give the world an image of being a happily married couple. Difference between roommates and marriage partners is sex. A couple without sex is a disconnected couple.

 

See a sex therapist.

[pteromom]

First of all, I'm not vanilla. Like at all. And I am familiar with BDSM.

 

You know why it makes me feel abusive? Because I have been raped and verbally abused. I can do it sometimes but not all the time. I don't want a BDSM lifestyle. And yes, I've had counseling so please don't go suggesting that I should force myself to have constant sex in a way I don't really like.

 

Another reason I don't like it is that I could very easily see myself taking my abuse out in that role, which as you know is not cool.

 

We used to have all kinds of sex all the time, now he's more interested in cycling than me in that way.

 

I AM vanilla, and don't know much about BDSM or being a dominatrix.

 

BUT - are there ways to exchange power that don't remind you of past abuse?

 

Maybe there is a way that you don't have to role play - you can be you and he can be him - but you can be dominant and he can be submissive, and it doesn't at all feel like rape or abuse?

 

Certainly somewhere someone has written a book or articles about the topic. Or maybe Carrie has some options for you to try?

 

It sounds to me that this is more than something he enjoys. That it is a fetish that he NEEDS to really get into sex. And there has to be some way to make that work for both of you.

 

I hope so anyway.

[pteromom]

Maybe if you take on more of a "teacher" role, where you are telling him what to do, but not in an aggressive way that reminds you of rape?

 

Perhaps he would respond to that?

[Cablebandit]

You've seemed to have closed yourself off to part of him and he has in turn done the same to you. If this doesn't get resolved via sincere communication where you both LISTEN to what each other is saying, get ready for the big D. I imagine that he feels like he is entering a minefield with you when it comes to sex which takes the fun out of it.

 

Try this "you are hot, sexy and mine and I want to F you!" Report back.

[Just a Guy]

Hi CB, it is sad that with everything else in place in your marriage, the element of sex, which is so important, is missing. What others have said is true( I mean the positive responses ) however, you may need something more radical to actually address your problem.

 

I think the first thing you need to accept is that you have to be more assertive of your conjugal rights and not get brow beaten by your husband into accepting status quo ad far as sex is concerned. If you accept this premise then the first possible solution could be to suggest to your husband that he take Viagra at least once a week to help him artificially, with his sex drive. If he steadfastly refuses to do so then you can suggest that you would like to have an open marriage.

 

If he still refused this option then you can explore the possibility of using sex helpers for both him and you. These are people of the opposite sex who are recommended by doctors to help those people who find it difficult to have sex, to become more sexual by a gradual process which also includes encouraging them to initiate sex with them. There is a term for such people but they are not prostitutes either male or female. Although there may be an ethical issue involved for those who are more conservative, these people fill the role of providing sexual therapeutic services to their clients. They do not replace partners but just help people to get back into the sexual mainstream.

 

The last option for you, if all else fails, is divorce. I hope some of this helps

Cheers!

Edited June 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[spanz1]

wow, you are pretty much boxed into a sexless marriage. you have to break out of that box by doing something new for a change.

 

 

Only things I've got....heavy weight lifting will boost a mans testosterone level naturally. Get him to the gym with you and have him lift some big iron plates!

 

 

Also avoiding certain foods, like soy and tofu, will boost his testosterone too.

 

 

Get him some new duds to wear. I find when I take the effort to dress up, I feel more dominant and sexual too.

 

 

buy him some new cologne.

 

 

There MIGHT be some over the counter supplements to try too, maybe Korean ginseng or horny goat weed types of things.

Edited June 30, 2016 by spanz1

[Just a Guy]

Hi Heron, I'm so sorry but I got your moniker wrong in my last post. I had a few questions for you the answers to which will probably shed more light on your situation.

The question is "Was your sex life ever vibrant in the past? For instance, when you first got married did you and your husband have a lot of sex or was it always dull? I would also like to suggest that you try getting your husband to take Ashwagandha capsules. These are likely to boost his sex drive naturally apart from adopting some of the suggestions given by others. Warm wishes.

[lovey34]

marriages are not about sex, but are a key factor for a lot of reasons for both men and women. If he likes rough sex and you want sex, maybe you can switch it up. let him be the dom one time. the next time you take control and u can tie him up and be on top that way you get full control of the situation.

if all else fails, buy a vibrator. cheating isn't worth it... and if he masturbated then clearly he still wants to get his rocks off you just have to find the way that he likes it and that best suits you too. it doesnt hurt to explore.

good luck

I'm 45 and my husband is almost 50. I can't imagine a better marriage; we are compatible in every life goal and he is so supportive of my demanding career. We are financially stable and on the same page about kids (none).

 

The only problem is he absolutely is not interested in sex. He is not getting it anywhere else. He has been tested and is low in testosterone, but there is no treatment he can take because he has a blood disorder that would respond negatively to any kind of hormone supplementation.

 

He's not a porn kind of guy. I think I interrupted him masturbating once but that's rare (I think).

 

I made a lot of changes because I was convinced it was me. I lost weight (I gained some as I had a thyroid issue and hit perimenopause - but now I'm hitting the gym and have lost almost 20 pounds, totally normal bodyweight). I was kind of depressed due to work and I changed my work to something we are both proud of. I got more serious about my exercise and started accompanying him to his races -- he's a cyclist.

 

Long story short, absolutely nothing I did -- changing my appearance, initiating, talking about it, etc...nothing changed anything. He got upset when I had a long conversation about it with him but we have basically settled into once per month. Maybe. Nothing happened as a result of a few attempted conversations. He keeps saying 'it's not you.'

 

I feel like I'm too young for an almost completely sexless marriage. He has also gotten kind of selfish. Which means that I don't look forward to it at all when we do have sex because I know it's not going to happen for me or I just feel pressure to hurry up.

 

The only thing I could do is more role play but it really makes me uncomfortable. He likes the dominatrix scenario but I really don't. It makes me feel abusive. I do do it though and he does respond, but I really don't want to have sex like that every time.

 

Does anyone have any advice or is this just my life now?

[Anderlie]

Can you not just open up your marriage? You seek outside pleasure and he indulges his need for BDSM?

[HopeForTomorrow]

If you accept this premise then the first possible solution could be to suggest to your husband that he take Viagra at least once a week to help him artificially, with his sex drive..

 

Viagra doesn't do anything to affect libido; it only treats ED.

 

OP, your thread title is an oxymoron. You can't have a great marriage with no sex (at least not if one or both partners want sex).

 

BDSM is something I don't know much about other than experimentation. If you aren't comfortable with it, then I say don't even try it again. Like you I experienced CSA which is an issue. BDSM can be fun but for me it has to be with someone I really, really know and trust. I don't think anyone should be pushed into doing that.

 

Honestly, if I were you I would dig a little deeper into the low T thing. You mentioned he has a blood disorder - I'm assuming it was the risk for blood clots that discouraged treatment with T? If he has normal bloodwork (hematocrit, etc) then the risk really is pretty low, and a study came out in 2015 that found no difference in the risk. It's just something you might want to pursue further - and talk to a urologist, not a GP.

 

I really hope this gets resolved. You are way too young to have to live this way for the rest of your life. Good luck to you ~

[elaine567]

I'm 45 and my husband is almost 50.

 

The only problem is he absolutely is not interested in sex. He is not getting it anywhere else.

 

Why are you so sure he is not getting it elsewhere?