Great marriage, but no sex

[Heron]

Why are you so sure he is not getting it elsewhere?

 

Because I know where he is 24/7 and he knows where I am all the time. OK, I suppose he could be getting it in the parking lot at work but let's say I'm not worried about that as he just switched jobs. He also doesn't act the way people who are cheating act. If he's cheating he should get an Oscar.

 

I really had to think whether to respond as it seems as though a lot of people here think we're on the road to divorce, which I kind of find laughable, to be honest. I've been divorced. My husband truly loves me for me and that is hard to find. This is the only area we are mismatched in. I agree I need to be more assertive about solving the problem but to say that our marriage is BAD BAD DIVORCE is ridiculous. Someone was talking about how today's marriage is based on love - of course we are in love. You also can't expect a person be 100% of everything to you, it's impossible. That is an unrealistic expectation for marriage.

 

That said, yes, there was a time we were all over each other and he was very unselfish about everything.

[Heron]

Viagra doesn't do anything to affect libido; it only treats ED.

 

OP, your thread title is an oxymoron. You can't have a great marriage with no sex (at least not if one or both partners want sex).

 

BDSM is something I don't know much about other than experimentation. If you aren't comfortable with it, then I say don't even try it again. Like you I experienced CSA which is an issue. BDSM can be fun but for me it has to be with someone I really, really know and trust. I don't think anyone should be pushed into doing that.

 

Honestly, if I were you I would dig a little deeper into the low T thing. You mentioned he has a blood disorder - I'm assuming it was the risk for blood clots that discouraged treatment with T? If he has normal bloodwork (hematocrit, etc) then the risk really is pretty low, and a study came out in 2015 that found no difference in the risk. It's just something you might want to pursue further - and talk to a urologist, not a GP.

 

I really hope this gets resolved. You are way too young to have to live this way for the rest of your life. Good luck to you ~

 

Thanks for the thoughtful reply!

 

His specialists are the best in the area, we're lucky about that. He also has anemia and his hematologist said the only thing that would help is EPO. So no, his hematocrit is probably not normal.

 

The endocrinologist called the hemo about T and he said no, that's not a good idea.

[carnelian]

Well,

I am single but you could try dancing naked with him. Both of you or just you.

Play some music you both like. Fast and slow dancing. At home.

 

Another idea is to walk around at home naked for a while. This might relax him and he gets used to seeing you naked. Go about your regular routine without trying to be sexy. Nudists do this and they say it releases tension and feel free, relaxed. Tell him you like the feeling. Don't bring up sex. Nudists say that their experiences at nudist clubs is healthy and good for their sex life. Sounds crazy to you maybe...you sound like you need new ideas. Most of them are about your age and older in the U.S. and UK. Are there any where you live?

Obviously, nudists are very discreet and usually friendly. They discourage unusual lifestyles.

[mikeylo]

Accept your ' great marriage ' and stop complaining. Nothing is going to change except the reasons why he wont have sex with you.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well,

I am single but you could try dancing naked with him. Both of you or just you.

Play some music you both like. Fast and slow dancing. At home.

 

Another idea is to walk around at home naked for a while. This might relax him and he gets used to seeing you naked. Go about your regular routine without trying to be sexy. Nudists do this and they say it releases tension and feel free, relaxed. Tell him you like the feeling. Don't bring up sex. Nudists say that their experiences at nudist clubs is healthy and good for their sex life. Sounds crazy to you maybe...you sound like you need new ideas. Most of them are about your age and older in the U.S. and UK. Are there any where you live?

Obviously, nudists are very discreet and usually friendly. They discourage unusual lifestyles.

Ugh.

 

There's 'good' naked and there's 'bad' naked.

 

Watching someone fold laundry, cook a meal or sweep the garage is 'bad' naked.

[Mr. Lucky]

You also can't expect a person be 100% of everything to you, it's impossible. That is an unrealistic expectation for marriage.

 

But I can expect my partner will make a good-faith effort to meet my most important needs, assuming they're reasonable and well-communicated.

 

I really had to think whether to respond as it seems as though a lot of people here think we're on the road to divorce, which I kind of find laughable, to be honest.

 

Which cuts right to the point - assuming no effort or change on his part, what will you do ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

 

I really had to think whether to respond as it seems as though a lot of people here think we're on the road to divorce, which I kind of find laughable, to be honest. I've been divorced. My husband truly loves me for me and that is hard to find. This is the only area we are mismatched in. I agree I need to be more assertive about solving the problem but to say that our marriage is BAD BAD DIVORCE is ridiculous.

 

It's not ridiculous. Sex is a very vital part of a marriage. Sex is the difference between really close friends and mates. Many people would leave and have left otherwise good marriages due to sexual mismatch.

 

I'm not sure this is a problem that can be solved to your satisfaction. If BDSM is what gets him going and you aren't comfortable with BDSM, there isn't a whole lot you can do.

 

If he wants/needs BDSM and you aren't interested, the only options left are to A) force yourself to do the BDSM thing in order to get sex B) accept this is how it is C) open the marriage or D) get a divorce.