Was the [affair] worth it [for spouses who reconciled]?

[wmacbride]

If either you or your spouse has been involved in an affair during your marriage, and you reconciled and formed a better relationship, do you think the affair saved your relationship? Was it all worth it?

 

My marriage is in good shape, but I can definitely say I wish the A had never happened. FWIW, I asked my husband his opinion, and he looked at me like I had two heads.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

If either you or your spouse has been involved in an affair during your marriage, and you reconciled and formed a better relationship, do you think the affair saved your relationship? Was it all worth it?

 

My marriage is in good shape, but I can definitely say I wish the A had never happened. FWIW, I asked my husband his opinion, and he looked at me like I had two heads.

 

The A did not save our relationship. That likes saying being shot saved my life.

 

Was it worth it? I don't like the phrasing of the question, but I do appreciate much of what I (we) have gotten out of the experience.

 

I'm no longer as naive as I use to be

I'm more aware of myself, wife, and our relationship

I see things with new clarity that I couldn't see before

My identity/happiness is less associated to my marriage. I'm more self-centered (in a good way)

 

With that being said, I just wish that the price that was paid was not so high!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Our marriage is good in spite of my affair...certainly not because of it. What would our marriage be like without the affair? I honestly wish I knew...I wish I could wiggle my nose and make it all go away....but I can't.

 

We have always had a wonderful relationship...a typical marriage with ups and downs just like everybody else. We were not in one of those "best" places when I had my affair...but it was still a good relationship.

 

My affair almost destroyed our marriage...it almost destroyed our family...and it almost destroyed us individually.

 

We never take what we have for granted...because we almost lost "us"....but carry a lot of baggage that we never had before....and even though we are happy...we are scarred.

 

I know there are those who say their marriage is better after an affair...I have a very hard time with that concept. Maybe if you had a terrible relationship pre affair...your marriage post affair could be better. But I did not have a bad marriage. Sex was great....we were good friends....our kids were happy...and we were handling finances just fine.

 

I totally blindsided my husband....an affair was the last thing he would have ever suspected...and to be honest...it was the last thing I would ever have expected as well.

 

I was not mad at my husband...we were not fighting....we were not unhappy. It was not perfect....because there is no perfect relationship...but it was good. I can honestly say...if the opportunity to cheat had not presented itself to me...if I had never gone back to school and met the om....I seriously doubt that I would ever have cheated. I was not looking to cheat....I was not looking for a relationship...I was not unhappy with my husband.

 

This does not paint a very nice picture of me...I know it doesn't. Because the reality is....I acted act in a way so out of character for me...that i still am amazed. The opportunity came to me...I looked for a reason to cheat....and I found one. This is 100% on me. I convinced myself that I was unhappy...I looked for a reason to be mad at my husband...and I found one.

 

So did the affair strengthen...did it help...did it make our marriage in any way a better marriage? No.... Did we learn from it? Yes....

but is our marriage better because of the affair? Absolutely not.

 

I don't care what the reason are, or the excuses are or what the circumstances are...cheating is not the right answer to the problem....and I am insulted when others say it is.

[JohnAdams]

Was it worth it......No!

 

 

As MJA stated we had a good marriage. I would have even thought an excellent marriage. Yes, we were going through a funk at the time of her affair. But, it was not uncommon over the previous 11 years we had been married to go through a funk period. Normally, one of us would wake up from the funk, we would have an intimate conversation followed by a great sexual session. This actually happened during the funk we were in, we had an awakening, intimate conversation and then a wonderful lovemaking session. The difference was after this session she said there had been another man. I was not really that effected at the time. I was just happy to have my wife back. And really what could have happened, she was a good Christian girl. Perhaps she had confided in another man? Share a cup of coffee? Had lunch in the college cafeteria? It was not for another 3 weeks that I found out what really happened. It has been quite the ride ever since.

 

 

My own RA, I was a bad place, suicidal not really caring if I was kicked out. Completely self destructive. I think I wanted to replicate what she had done. Was it really that easy to get someone? Yes. Did I have that mesmerized, infatuated feeling that I found someone irresistible? No. That is why I have said I could do this 100 times and never feel that I ever had the feeling she did. So, no, not at all worth it.

 

 

I will agree with my wife, I do not see how any good can come out of an affair unless it was just a terrible relationship and somehow the people fall in love, possibly for the first time.

[Bittersweetie]

Was my A worth it? No.

 

My H and I are in a very good place now. We worked hard to get here and it has paid off.

 

But if there was a way I could go back and gotten us here without the pain and destruction I caused him, I would do so in an instant.

[Sub]

My W and I are in a good place now, but it's not a place we couldn't have gotten to without the A. I think unfortunately for her, the changes she wanted to see in me started occurring before it was discovered. So it was not the impetus for any sort of change in us as a couple or family. It wasn't a wake-up call. And in the end, I think she got little out of it. Especially at the price. I have to say, it saddens me in a way. She risked a lot. She did hurt. And I know she still hurts from it. So no. Not worth it.

 

I would guess that people who marry their AP do think it was worth it in the end.

[ladydesigner]

None of it was worth it. Me and WH had a beautiful relationship before his A's, before my own A.

 

I feel like our M is much like a town that has been battered by a hurricane and now we need to start with a new foundation as all the pieces of our old M have been lost and tattered.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Was it worth it? Maybe to the AP who got away with only a few bumps and bruises.

 

 

But not to me.

[NTV]

I can only speak to my perspective as a BS. If my WW had sought counseling and made the improvements she's made instead of having an affair.... I'm pretty sure my love for her would have been elevated to new heights. After the affair, I see the improvements and I think 'meh, that's nice'.

 

 

I don't really feel like I love her at all. I mean the feeling comes and goes, but in the 2+ years since it has never come close to the way I felt about her before. I think she has improved as a person, under threat of divorce, while I learned how to walk again. If her showing greater levels of commitment to our marriage and family is an improvement, the loss of my emotional connection to her and commitment to the marriage is the other side of those balance scales.

 

 

In fact, I'm pretty sure that I should have divorced her as soon as possible after finding out and moved on instead of giving her another chance. It's not that she isn't trying, or that I don't see her trying, it's more like I don't think there's anything she can do that would be enough. I'm bidding time hoping my feelings change at the moment because, well, we all know emotions change over time. Hopefully this is just the valley before a peak. Even if it isn't, I'm sure the kids are enjoying the stability a little while longer.

 

 

Wow, I guess that's my long winded way of saying 'nope, nothing made it worth it yet'.

 

 

But I am looking forward to seeing what some of the WS's say. Maybe somebody have some sort of uplifting mantra that makes sense, like 'I now know who I am when tragedy strikes!'

[DKT3]

Umm no. Our relationship is better because we found better ways to communicate, it could have been far less painful had she said listen to me if things don't change I'm out. Instead I got whinny nagging passive aggressive behavior and then the icing cheated on.

[heartwhole]

Like Sub, just sensing a distance with my husband, I started making changes while he was thick in the affair fog. So obviously I was not unwilling or incapable of making changes. I dearly wish we could have had a chance to work on things without the traumatic injury of the A.

 

Almost immediately after DD (partly thanks to all the effort I'd/we'd put in leading up to DD), we were on a "second honeymoon" (his words). But that was the easy part since we are well-matched people who never stopped loving each other. But through counseling, we came to realize that the real problem of our marriage was that I was putting myself last and WH was putting himself first, which of course resulted in a terribly lopsided and unfulfilling dynamic.

 

Would I have figured that out if he hadn't cheated? I'm a very "glass half full," "look on the bright side," "give the benefit of the doubt," kind of person. And even with everything, we didn't really reach that discovery until at least 8 months after DD. So I do have to admit that it's possible I would have never demanded more or said "enough is enough" without the affair. I would have kept giving more than my fair share to a man who always thought he was giving more than he really was and getting less than he really was. It was only when his selfishness reached ridiculous proportions that I saw it for what it was. And still, when my IC (who had seen us for MC right after DD) told me that he was a self-absorbed person who was low on empathy, I was shocked. And I blamed myself for marrying somebody who didn't seem equal to what I brought to the table.

 

I've lost a parent suddenly and I've developed a chronic illness that limits my functioning, and the affair hurt more than either of those. Because I always knew that our time with our loved ones is short, and I always knew that health is not to be taken for granted, but what I did take for granted was my husband's trustworthiness.

 

So yes, in many ways our marriage is in the best place it's ever been. We're both being kind and accepting of my illness. WH puts me and our kids first, so I'm not exhausted by him filling his life with what he wants and slotting us into the rest. He's worked really hard to develop empathy so that when I say I'm tired or queasy, he doesn't immediately say, "I am too" and then start talking about himself (the man even did this when I was pregnant and it was a pregnancy symptom!). Our sex life was already improved by DD and just continues to get better. I no longer have to plan family vacations for the shortest time possible because he feels stressed about missing work only when it's a trip he doesn't want to take (yet is fine with taking a week and a half long trip with guy friends).

 

But even with all of that, I'm not at a place where I could say it's all been worth the pain. If I had to choose the lopsided dynamic we had before where I trusted him (and where I always addressed my concerns and negotiated my needs, though I sucked up a lot to make my family's lives better) versus the more even dynamic we have now, honestly, in my heart of hearts, I would pick the marriage where there was no affair. Because you just can't go back. It makes sense that people say that you have to build a new marriage on the rubble of the old.

 

I'm sure WH would also say that it wasn't worth it. A little limerence and fun and sex was not worth what is clearly going to be a multi-year/forever process of change, butting heads, renegotiating, walking on eggshells, self-work, making amends, giving up the perks of our old lopsided dynamic, etc. He felt so justified, so angry, and yet I intuited his concerns and had addressed almost all of them even before DD. He could have just TOLD me why he was unhappy. So much senseless pain. And that includes the OW too. She wanted a happily ever after, and as of the last time I peeked at her social media, is still single, still miserable, still posting "God will help me in my sorrow and make my life great" memes. And I know WH is not a heartless person and he didn't want to eviscerate the hearts of two women just for a few months of cake-eating, and yet that's exactly what he did.

[DKT3]

That self destruction John Adams spoke of is familiar to me...my first reaction was to have sex with someone close to her, I actually picked out one of her friends and went to work on her. Luckily I stopped short.

 

To this day I still have moments where it paralyzes me with fear, I still get that second where I question her motives. I've been told that never fully goes away, I'm hoping it does..

[Lobe]

HAIL, NO!

 

Ain't nobody got time for affairs!

 

I wish we just had a normal fight and went to MC instead. My marriage as well is good in spite of not because of the A...

[Cablebandit]

That self destruction John Adams spoke of is familiar to me...my first reaction was to have sex with someone close to her, I actually picked out one of her friends and went to work on her. Luckily I stopped short.

 

To this day I still have moments where it paralyzes me with fear, I still get that second where I question her motives. I've been told that never fully goes away, I'm hoping it does..

 

WOW I can't imagine what you must feel at times. I sincerely empathize with you. I freak out at times because I think my marriage is TOO good and that I might just be happily oblivious to an affair. What you go through must be a million times worse.

[minimariah]

extreme situations aside (those where folks think the affair helped them leave a toxic union) - it's never worth it. not even when the couple ends up divorcing... i believe it leaves a HUGE mark on love & the connection between two people - it's never the same. just like someone else said - some stuff MIGHT get better but you pay a VERY, VERY high price. in the end, the spouse needs to answer one question - do the good & improved things outweight the scar left by the affair? it was a strong no for me.

[understand50]

Let's turn this question around somewhat.

 

A betrayed spouse, has no value in their spouse having sex with another. To ask if "Was it worth it" should be a question only for the wondering spouse. In that, was the SEX, the experience of being intimate with another worth all the pain caused to your "loved" one? Some, may regret doing it, regret being caught, but not the experience. Breaking this down, using my wife, as the example, does she believe that causing me all that pain, was worth it? I am sure, that now, she is happy we are reconciled, and that things are good, she may say yes, but deep down does she regret the sex, and chase, and all that went with it? Is it a experience she values, but done at the huge expense, pain and hurt of myself? A betrayed spouse cannot answer that question, only a wondering spouse. I cannot say for my wife. I know she is happy in the marriage, and at the end of our life's, we will go out together, but I wonder if she knows what the cost was to me?

 

As a betrayed spouse, all I can ask is "Was it worth all the pain and hurt to give her the gift of a second chance and reconcile with her?" That is the only question for those who were betrayed, who reconciled, and have a successful reconciliation. For myself, yes, giving her a second chance, marrying her and us raising a family, has been worth the cost. In the end, I love her, and despite, not because, of our beginning, we are a couple. Does not mean that I am glad she cheated, or that I will ever forget what she did? No, I will always remember the pain and hurt. It does mean that I was able to forgive her and have a life, family with her. Infidelity, is a weight that is added to a relationship, and once added, must be carried by both. It can never be dropped, forgot, or redone. It is there.

 

Talking about "was it worth it" is just asking a betrayed spouse, is their lover worth the extra pain, hurt, and time to make a life together. Can you love them again, or do you love enough to forgive them and give them a second chance? Are they worth it? Mine was and is.

 

My two cents.......

[road]

Worth it?

 

 

Well other people improved their marriages without having an affair.

 

 

So saying that our marriage got so much better after the affair just begs the question why not improve the marriage without an affair as countless other married couples have done.

 

 

A marriage will never get better let alone even as good as it was before the affair when there is nothing but trickle truth and rug sweeping for the BS.

[ladydesigner]

Let's turn this question around somewhat.

 

A betrayed spouse, has no value in their spouse having sex with another. To ask if "Was it worth it" should be a question only for the wondering spouse. In that, was the SEX, the experience of being intimate with another worth all the pain caused to your "loved" one? Some, may regret doing it, regret being caught, but not the experience. Breaking this down, using my wife, as the example, does she believe that causing me all that pain, was worth it? I am sure, that now, she is happy we are reconciled, and that things are good, she may say yes, but deep down does she regret the sex, and chase, and all that went with it? Is it a experience she values, but done at the huge expense, pain and hurt of myself? A betrayed spouse cannot answer that question, only a wondering spouse. I cannot say for my wife. I know she is happy in the marriage, and at the end of our life's, we will go out together, but I wonder if she knows what the cost was to me?

 

As a betrayed spouse, all I can ask is "Was it worth all the pain and hurt to give her the gift of a second chance and reconcile with her?" That is the only question for those who were betrayed, who reconciled, and have a successful reconciliation. For myself, yes, giving her a second chance, marrying her and us raising a family, has been worth the cost. In the end, I love her, and despite, not because, of our beginning, we are a couple. Does not mean that I am glad she cheated, or that I will ever forget what she did? No, I will always remember the pain and hurt. It does mean that I was able to forgive her and have a life, family with her. Infidelity, is a weight that is added to a relationship, and once added, must be carried by both. It can never be dropped, forgot, or redone. It is there.

 

Talking about "was it worth it" is just asking a betrayed spouse, is their lover worth the extra pain, hurt, and time to make a life together. Can you love them again, or do you love enough to forgive them and give them a second chance? Are they worth it? Mine was and is.

 

My two cents.......

 

Not only was the experience not worth causing my loved one's pain (this includes my WH, my kids, my family and my friends as they are all aware of it) the A experience was not even worth it. The fact that I needed someone (who I never would have dated if I were single) to boost my fragile ego after discovering my WH's infidelity makes me feel... weak to be honest. The sex with xOM was horrible too I asked myself wtf I was even thinking after I had sex with xOM *blech* My actions cannot be erased nor can they be re-done I am a fWS always and forever like my WH :/

[wmacbride]

extreme situations aside (those where folks think the affair helped them leave a toxic union) - it's never worth it. not even when the couple ends up divorcing... i believe it leaves a HUGE mark on love & the connection between two people - it's never the same. just like someone else said - some stuff MIGHT get better but you pay a VERY, VERY high price. in the end, the spouse needs to answer one question - do the good & improved things outweight the scar left by the affair? it was a strong no for me.

 

 

Based on the posting by the majority of ws who are in a reconciled M, they also paid a heavy emotional price for the A, at least in terms of how they view themselves.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Based on the posting by the majority of ws who are in a reconciled M, they also paid a heavy emotional price for the A, at least in terms of how they view themselves.

 

If you are remorseful... It has to affect you.. It has to have an impact. The knowledge of the pain you caused has to change how you view yourself... Especially if you were a loving compassionate partner to begin with. You have to clearly see what you were capable of... And it is a horrible feeling to know you are capable of this kind of pain and destruction.

 

I am not saying this realization happens immediately.. But it needs to happen for a wayward to feel true remorse... And for those who know the difference in sorrow and remorse... It is life changing ... Just like it is for the betrayed.

 

I betrayed my spouse but I also betrayed me. Lady designer knows exactly what I mean. John too... He betrayed himself to have an ra... He sacrificed his own principles to become just like me.

 

Look what I caused....

[JohnAdams]

A betrayed spouse, has no value in their spouse having sex with another. To ask if "Was it worth it" should be a question only for the wondering spouse. In that, was the SEX, the experience of being intimate with another worth all the pain caused to your "loved" one? Some, may regret doing it, regret being caught, but not the experience. Breaking this down, using my wife, as the example, does she believe that causing me all that pain, was worth it? I am sure, that now, she is happy we are reconciled, and that things are good, she may say yes, but deep down does she regret the sex, and chase, and all that went with it? Is it a experience she values, but done at the huge expense, pain and hurt of myself? A betrayed spouse cannot answer that question, only a wondering spouse. I cannot say for my wife. I know she is happy in the marriage, and at the end of our life's, we will go out together, but I wonder if she knows what the cost was to me?

 

These, the bolded items are areas I had trouble with for years. She did not get caught, she confessed. But, early on she said she was sorry for hurting me but not for doing it. It is one of the things said in the aftermath of the affair that she did not repute for years.

 

 

Not only was the experience not worth causing my loved one's pain (this includes my WH, my kids, my family and my friends as they are all aware of it) the A experience was not even worth it. The fact that I needed someone (who I never would have dated if I were single) to boost my fragile ego after discovering my WH's infidelity makes me feel... weak to be honest. The sex with xOM was horrible too I asked myself wtf I was even thinking after I had sex with xOM *blech* My actions cannot be erased nor can they be re-done I am a fWS always and forever like my WH :/

 

 

 

 

During my RA, I also felt weak and was only using her to boost my ego. It did not work. Knowing at least at the time what an ego boosting good experience it was for my wife, I felt I got nothing out of my RA.

[heartwhole]

Based on the posting by the majority of ws who are in a reconciled M, they also paid a heavy emotional price for the A, at least in terms of how they view themselves.

 

I think that's true. And I think for many that's why reconciliation is the harder road. My WH could have left me and given it a shot with the OW. She was desperate for a happily ever after with him, doesn't live in a first world country, and has aged out of the dating pool in her small community. I bet she would have had very low expectations and just been grateful for everything a life with him would have afforded. He could have justified it by thinking about how distant I was or how I didn't prioritize him or whatever his justifications at the time were, and told himself that people just fall in love, it's OK.

 

On the other hand, staying with me requires that he view his actions as selfish and that he accept what our MC says, that he is self-absorbed and low on empathy. He genuinely wants to be a good person and has to accept that he did things that most people consider despicable. Instead of the constant fawning that he would have gotten with OW, he has me traumatized by his actions and often looking like a shell of myself. So I really don't understand why people say reconciliation is the easier choice. Rug-sweeping is the easier choice. Reconciliation requires hitting rock bottom, facing some ugly truths, and digging deep to become a better person. And all this when self-esteem issues probably contributed to the affair in the first place . . . it's clear why the success stories are the exception, not the rule.

[RecentChange]

Hum.... I don't know that I would use the phrase "worth it"

 

[short back ground, been together 15 years, he had a brief (month long) EA/PA 9 years in. I had strictly PA that lasted a few months in this last year]

 

I know that there are better, more constructive, and less hurtful ways to bring about change. And I would never recommend an affair as a way to bring about change.

 

Ugh - honestly, this is hard because my answer isn't very nice. But.....

 

I don't know that talking, counseling etc would have caused the same electric shock. I don't know if less dramatic means would have brought about such drastic changes. I don't know that just "saying it" (because I had) and showing it (because I had) would have made the same impression that is is REAL, things do have to change, no more taking things for granted.

 

And the same goes for his years prior, status quo and not REALLY addressing issues just became too easy. The affair caused us to pull our heads out of the sand.

 

Both his, and mine was a wake up call. A call to action, a kick in the pants. A realization that we DID really love each other, but also, perhaps it broke up a bit of our co-dependence. That we are together because we CHOOSE to be, not because of apathy, or lack of options, etc. We are together because that is what makes us happy, and we just have to remember to not take each other for granted.

 

And on a personal - extremely selfish level - yes, I liked the way the other man made me feel about myself. The whole shake up reinvigorated me in many ways, and caused me to refocus on what I want, and need in a relationship (not that the OM was providing it - just opened my eyes).

 

So "worth it" I don't know... Do I think my relationship is in much better condition now, than if the affair had never happened (and counseling and other means had not been pursued) - yes. Am *I* in a better place, emotionally etc - most certainly.

 

Now, my affair was the more recent one so its easy for me to say these things - but even thinking back to the after math of his - in the end it meant positive changes for ME. I realized / remembered that I am strong person totally capable of standing on my own two feet.

 

The whole process also taught us a lot about compassion, empathy, and as crazy as it sounds... love.