LovedOut Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Some background information: - I'm 32 and he's 37 and his wife is 32 - he's married and I'm single - we are both foreigners, from the same region in the world, in the same country - he's been married for 4 years and has a 4 year old daughter with his wife - he has been with his wife for over 10 years * I met him at a show. He asked for my numbers and I gave them to him after noticing that he wasn't wearing a wedding ring.* (Rookie mistake). On our first date, he told me that he was separated and going through a divorce - he wasn't living with his wife. I was shocked by this information and told him that I wasn’t interested in getting to know him further. After our initial meeting, he asked to be friends & I agreed because we did click on a cultural level because our backgrounds were similar. Now, I had been in the UK for under a year and was feeling homesick and somewhat vulnerable at the time that I met him & he was a piece of home. We maintained a friendship for a few weeks and unfortunately, it escalated to a physical affair. At the time, I didn't consider it an affair in the strict sense of the word because as far as I knew he was separated. As time went on, I became suspicious because he would not respond to messages and I could not go to his house. I decided to do some research and I found out that he was still living with his wife. When I asked him about this, he told me that he lied because he was making plans to move out and he would be out within a few months. So, I made a conscious* (albeit horrible decision) to continue seeing him. As time went on, we became very close. I confided in him and he in me. We had amazing times together. Until I got a message from his wife! She was asking me in what capacity did I know her husband! She then went on to ask me to leave him alone and to stop hounding and stalking him like he had told her. I asked him about this and he denied it all. His wife then called me and put me on speaker... she asked me questions and asked him too. I was just she'll shocked and he went on to deny even knowing me. I cut off all contact with him but I did send him a long letter relating my displeasure at what had happened. I had also found out that I was a few weeks pregnant with his baby - before you judge, I was on the pill! It just didn't work - 99% effective my a$$. I eventually had a termination due to possible congenital defects because I was on sodium valproate as I have epilepsy. That was in February of this year. I was moving on and finding happiness until he sent me a message mid June. I should have blocked him (but I'm a novice at this NC thing). He proceeded to tell me how much he missed me and semi-sucked me in. Now, he is expressing anger about how I "busted him" to his wife. He doesn't want to discuss my termination of pregnancy and I should deal with it by myself l. He feels that I betrayed him and how I'm responsible for changing his life (his wife controls him etc). After that fateful phone call, he moved into a new mortgaged house with his wife. And he's pretty much blamed me for everything including that! He is angry that I spoke to his wife. He is angry that I told her the truth but he wants me back & he is still working on leaving his wife... He claims to have been excited to hear that I was pregnant, but I feel that he was just trying to future fake... I guess I am just looking for a truthful perspective. Please be as frank and incisive as possible. My mind is yelling that this guy just wants sex and to use me as a sexual panacea for his marital issues. I need someone to beat me with the stick of reality before I go apologising to this man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 That's what any married man that cheats on his wife wants....just wants a cookie on the side. All you are to him is a mistake now. Anything nice he says to you is to shut you up so you don't ruffle his wife's feathers. Get a lawyer, a paternity test and get ready to take him down. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 He was using you all along. And he is seeing if that door is still open. He is obviously not going to leave his wife. Block him and close that chapter forever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 He proceeded to tell me how much he missed me and semi-sucked me in. He wants sex. Now, he is expressing anger about how I "busted him" to his wife. He doesn't want to discuss my termination of pregnancy and I should deal with it by myself l. He feels that I betrayed him and how I'm responsible for changing his life (his wife controls him etc). He doesn't want to take responsibility for his choices. He doesn't want drama and pain or reality. He only wants the parts of your "relationship" that feel good to him - sex, cuddling, whatever it is you do. After that fateful phone call, he moved into a new mortgaged house with his wife. And he's pretty much blamed me for everything including that! He is angry that I spoke to his wife. He is angry that I told her the truth but he wants me back & he is still working on leaving his wife... It's his own fault for lying to you to get you into a relationship with him in the first place! He's unable to see his part in it - he only looks outward to place blame. It was probably his wife's fault that he was unhappy in the marriage and had no choice but to go have an affair in the first place too. I guess I am just looking for a truthful perspective. Please be as frank and incisive as possible. My mind is yelling that this guy just wants sex and to use me as a sexual panacea for his marital issues. I need someone to beat me with the stick of reality before I go apologising to this man. Ew! Apologize?!?!? For what? For being HONEST? Don't you DARE apologize! He tricked you. He tricked you into talking to him (we'll just be friends then). He tricked you into an affair. He's lied to you about moving out. And now he's trying to use his manipulative tactics on you again to make YOU feel guilty for him lying to his wife. Don't fall for it! You can do better than this. This guy is a slimeball! He's a disgusting pig who thinks nothing of cheating on his wife, lying to you to make you feel that you are his future, then cheating on you with his wife. He has NO intention of leaving her to be with you. If he had, he would have done it rather than stay miserable while his wife "controls" him (ha - good for her; he deserves it!). He is trying to pull you back in. Tell him you aren't interested in resuming your relationship. Then BLOCK him from everything. If he finds another slimy way to contact you, tell him you will go back to his wife if he doesn't leave you alone. Yuck. This guy is nasty. You can do SO much better. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 My mind is yelling that this guy just wants sex and to use me as a sexual panacea for his marital issues. Really? Ick. Yuck. Why isn't your skin crawling? 1. Lied about being separated 2. Lied about not living with his wife 3. When found out, lied again about moving out in a few months 4. When found out by the wife, threw you under the bus -- denied knowing you 5. Couldn't care less about your termination 6. Now he's blaming you for getting caught How many stick beatings do you need to learn? Where is your self-respect? The guy couldn't care less about you other than the fact you're just a side piece. And you want to apologize because the TRUTH came out? You want to apologize for exposing a cheater and a liar? He's only mad because he's not getting his way with you. Trust that once this is over, he'll be looking for his next victim. Block his number. Now. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 "Antisocial personality disorder is a mental condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. This behaviour is often criminal." Does that remind you of anyone? *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete him from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovedOut Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 I have blocked him, but he knows where I work. He has sent me flowers regularly and wants to continue talking. I'm confused by this as he has still maintained that he won't leave for the sake of his kid. He says that he loves me and that he made plans to buy a house before we met. Should I call his wife and tell her that we're still in contact even though it will make his life difficult? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts