Too Incompatible Or Just Marry For The Kid?

[alwaysgreener]

Short question: Is it worth me marrying for the sake of my son? I sit and question our compatibility all the time although we're been together of a few (almost 4) years now and I can see where things can work in the long run, but right now it just feels like I have more reasons to walk away, outside of the son we have together. We're supposed to be getting married in a few months (nothing big) and it just seems like every free moment of my day is contemplating this decision. And I am very indecisive about everything in life so sometimes it just feels like I overthink stuff.

 

I'd like to hear from people who may have married with kids being the main driver of that decision or just had the kids first, especially men maybe who have been in similar situations, but obviously, everyone is free to share on a public forum.

 

Yes she did get pregnant early on in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, please save the lectures on out of wedlock babies. What's done is done, it happens to human couples sometimes, I can only make the best decision with what I'm working with. When it was just me, I used to see a life with the son I've always wanted, not necessarily shackled up with any woman. Now that I have that son and a woman that started off perfect and still may be for someone,

 

Long part:

 

There was some fallout based on the events of this thread, mainly the fact that I spent some time with my mom and brother whom neither is apparently showing interest in their grandchild/nephew at the moment and since I haven't addressed it, I'm now on the hook for it.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/583612-my-fiance-too-demanding-while-visiting-family

Also, my mom has always been biased against her and since she found out we may be getting married, she has been speaking less than kindly of my fiance and word has been getting back to her through a few double agents in the family. This has me feeling stuck in the middle, granted my mom is the family oddball and as much as I try to blow off her comments, she is in the wrong on some things. But my fiance has much gusto and is very bold in her approach to things and to me that doesn't help. Another topic for another section, but relevant to point out.

 

This fallout has sort of put us at the crossroads to where she had thought about leaving and I'm thinking that maybe this is my out. I'd hate for it to end on the note of her thinking I can't stand up to my mother (or even too influenced by her), but the truth of the matter is that there's much more.

I'm laid back and will avoid conflict (much to my own peril sometimes), she has more of an alpha personality. That in itself has led me to a place where sometimes I feel like I'm selling myself short on a lot of issues because I don't go on the offensive about things that rub me the wrong way; she does, and I'm usually always on the defensive.

 

It feels like she hates everything I'm into, and she's vocal about reminding me about how she doesn't like those things. TV on at bedtime (work is the excuse, and that's fine, but on the weekends it's still a problem), certain TV shows or topics I'm into, my love of animals... she'll accuse me of showing the dog more attention and care than anyone else in the house, and before I know it I'm arguing about how much I don't give the dog any special attention (silly), a dog that SHE wanted but doesn't interact with much. Heck, I do the bare minimum around her with the dog just to keep the peace. It feels like the only time I get to be myself in house is when she's not there.

 

Sex life is not good, but a large part of it is that we are busy with work, kids and other things during the day, she dozes off around 8 and I'm still up. I'm in the mood frequently but not always for her, some of which I blame on how I feel in the household. Prior to her I did find myself growing bored with women very fast and I'm not sure if for good reason.

 

I believe in a higher power but claim no religion anymore, she's a hardcore Christian. In dating, the difference has never been a problem but having a kid changed things and I never saw it coming, and she's doubling down on it now that we have our 2 year old. I asked her if she would be okay in the long if I never went to church and she couldn't answer. Her goal is for me to go along with her at 1-2 times a month until we find a church I like. Truth be told, the life lessons aren't bad but nothing else resonates with me- I can read a self help book for life lessons. I know couples do make the interfaith thing work but she's very polarized and maybe I am too. She loathes the thought of me sharing my personal thoughts on spirituality and world around us with our son if it didn't fall in the line of Christianity.

 

It seems like she'll admit her flaws in conversation but will deny they have any bearings on our issues if we're in the middle of an argument. Getting her to admit any wrong doing or ill judgement is nearly impossible. She has all the answers and many times it's almost like I'm one of the kids in the house she has to deal with (she has a daughter from a previous marriage as well). She's the Facebook queen of the house yet somehow I'm the bad guy anytime I spend more than 5 seconds on my phone.

 

Maybe that's just women though, lol.

 

The main pro of getting married is for my boy to have a two parent household. I don't want to be a weekend dad and miss the special moments I get to see now. I look at her daughter's father and feel like I have the edge on seeing her life play out despite him being present. I don't like the thought of another man being privy to that experience with my son. It's not like we argue constantly and we do get along most of the time so it's not like our child is seeing a toxic situation play out. There are the social pressures as well, she's now friends with many of by friend's wives, although I know it's irrelevant to my feelings it does cross my mind. While I was enjoying my cousin's wedding this past weekend I did find myself missing them and wishing they could share in the fun. She's great with running the house and rearing our son as well, and despite my complaints she would be a good partner in the logistics of building a solid life for ourselves.

 

Sometimes it just seems like a need to put my foot down and be more demanding with the things I need and I will be happier in the relationship. That's some of the advice I got from a friend in a similar situation. I've seen another friend be the ultimate husband and family man but also admitting that his relationship would've died long ago if it weren't for the kids they had (prior to matrimony also). They have flirted with the notion of divorce a few times however during darker moments.

 

I want to provide a two parent household so I just need to buckle down, take the reigns as man of the house, and be engaged with her more and make it work. Sometimes it feels like we're just too different. She'll muse that sentiment sometimes, when I did however, it was like "what are talking about" from her. Sometimes it feels like there's not much to talk about outside of our son's antics, she definitely doesn't wanna hear about my thoughts on political news of the day.

 

My uncle once told me I need a white girl. Not for racial reasons he explained per se, but basically because of my tastes and interests, I will find low compatibility with the average black woman. In other words, I guess it would be like being a gamer who likes indie movies but you're in a town full of athletes that watch blockbusters and having to choose from this pool. We're just from different worlds and exposed to different things maybe. Being out of town in a bigger city, seeing a huge variety of women made me think about the possibility of looking for a better match.

 

I often think about this in my situation, maybe he was right, not putting race on it but just in finding someone more compatible to me. I've had it before actually but they fizzled out in those instances.

 

I hate being long, and I've been chipping this out in between working since this morning so I hope I've expressed my thoughts well but hopefully someone can shed some insight. Is the handwriting on the wall here?

 

Ultimately I guess this is what led me to this site, this question.

[alwaysgreener]

wow, sorry for that wall of words

[TigerCub]

Regardless of what your uncle says and Black/White stuff

You and your baby momma just don't seem to have much in common

You don't seem to have the same interests, you don't share the same views on religion and practicing it or not, and the sex life isn't even as good as it could be.

 

So why would you make a promise of forever to a situation where you are unhappy and it will only get worse with time?

 

I understand how people want to do it for the kid, but the problems in the relationship between the adults and what's lacking now will only become a bigger problem later.

 

I have guy friends that 'stay for the kids' and only end up making things worse by cheating - if it's purely for the sex or if they happen to meet someone that "understands them better than their own partner does" - they end up realizing what they are missing if they meet someone they have more in common with, etc..

It just leads to a bigger mess and more hurt and at that point, those kids they stayed for are old enough to really feel the impact of what happens.

 

I don't have kids and I can't tell you what to do - just my $0.02

 

You can still be a good parent and see your kid more than on just the weekend if you can maintain a respectable relationship with the mother.

[RecentChange]

Getting married for any reason other than the other person is the love of your life, and you want to spend the rest of your days on earth by their side - is a bad idea.

 

Getting married and thinking things will get better after the legal papers signed is a bad idea.

 

Getting married when you have doubts it is the right choice is. BAD IDEA!

 

I don't think getting married for the child is a good idea for anyone, not the kid, not the parents.

Edited June 30, 2016 by RecentChange

[blackcat777]

While splitting is definitely rough, staying is also teaching your child to do as you do...

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think getting married for the child is a good idea for anyone, not the kid, not the parents.

 

Not sure it can be said any better than this ^^^.

 

Marriage is hard enough when you're well-matched and passionately in love. Given the resentment already bubbling under the surface, odds not in your favor of creating the storybook, white picket fence environment you want for your son.

 

Better two happy homes than one tension-filled one...

 

Mr. Lucky

[alwaysgreener]

Regardless of what your uncle says and Black/White stuff

You and your baby momma just don't seem to have much in common

You don't seem to have the same interests, you don't share the same views on religion and practicing it or not, and the sex life isn't even as good as it could be.

 

So why would you make a promise of forever to a situation where you are unhappy and it will only get worse with time?

 

I understand how people want to do it for the kid, but the problems in the relationship between the adults and what's lacking now will only become a bigger problem later.

 

I have guy friends that 'stay for the kids' and only end up making things worse by cheating - if it's purely for the sex or if they happen to meet someone that "understands them better than their own partner does" - they end up realizing what they are missing if they meet someone they have more in common with, etc..

It just leads to a bigger mess and more hurt and at that point, those kids they stayed for are old enough to really feel the impact of what happens.

 

I don't have kids and I can't tell you what to do - just my $0.02

 

You can still be a good parent and see your kid more than on just the weekend if you can maintain a respectable relationship with the mother.

 

Yes, you mentioned the two things I had considered as well, doing it now while our son is still a toddler and the infidelity. I have seen it happen myself as well in regards to cheating, and I've contemplated a similar scenario myself. I also think about what Chris Rock said, "you're not going to find that woman that loves Wu Tang and Sienfield."

 

Granted, he's now recently divorced so go figure...

[RecentChange]

Hahaha but I like Wu Tang and Seinfeld (so does my husband . )

[pteromom]

It will be much less hurtful for your son if you leave now and create a "normal' for him with 2 households, than if you wait until he is very secure in his life and then blow his world up. Just MO.

 

Plus, the only time you can be fully yourself is when she isn't around? Don't you want your child to know your full self?

 

I definitely wouldn't get married.

 

But it might be worth staying and trying to work on your issues more before throwing in the towel too. Make sure you try everything before just walking away.

[central]

Never marry, unless it's for BOTH love AND compatibility. Every other reason is bogus and doomed to failure and heartbreak.

[alwaysgreener]

Given the resentment already bubbling under the surface

 

Point taken, everybody for that matter, and yes, I think I've built up so much resentment that leaving has started to look like the best option.

 

Just as an update, she initiated a conversation about what's next with us, it was late, I was still processing my thoughts and didn't lay everything out aside from mentioning my resentment over things and "____ I don't know."

 

I do have a habit of locking up every in our talks, I'm almost always have something to say but I'm processing what to say and how to say it with looking like a fool or misspeaking. Overthinking basically.

 

This morning I woke up to walk her to her car as usual, a quick peck and then she stopped and asked me again "what is it going to be." Long story short, I more or less laid out everything I've mentioned in this thread, but stopped short of saying "I can't do it anymore," but I did let her know that I was not sure about the marriage. At this point, she's now looking at it like all this time was wasted yet to me I see it as we needed this time to attempt to steady the plane.

 

By the way, she has been frustrated over the fact that we're not already married according to a timetable of when a man is supposed to know. The dog is symbolic to her of how I seem to put more attention into other things than her, and pretty much with no sex I must be cheating and my mom is sabotaging things to an extent.

 

I just don't believe in that, I know others do, I just don't think there's a magic number of months, and with less than 4 years in, nobody would look back and say "wow, it took ya'll 4 years?"

 

So, while I'm standing there feeling evil for "wasting her time as she played wife w/o the ring," I've said I'm not happy and I don't know how sure I am anymore, at this point she's balling in the car, I'm standing there, and watching her cry and realizing the gravity of the situation and suddenly I'm balling too to the likes she's never seen me.

 

She jumps out and hugs me, and she's promising to work on whatever it is I need, saying she wants to be my wife and make things work. She asked about counseling but changed her mind as she felt like we need to try harder with some obvious fixes first (date nights, get the kid out the bed etc).

 

The church is not on the table however, at least until he's older.

 

Funny things is, last night after round one I really liked the idea of being free again, sort of excited that it's about to happen. This morning, as I walked behind her to her car, I was thinking "look at this woman, I can't let her go that easy."

 

So as it stands now, we work on things. I guess pulling the plug is not off the table, but I don't know if I can make it look like it's this easy for me to bail. I think part of it for her is having to transfer or change jobs to save face if we don't go through with things, and probably even the notion of being a "baby momma" to another kid (although like I said she's been married before).

[Cayemmo]

What do you think you should do? You should understand that marriage is permanent. "For better or for worse" means exactly what it says — if you marry thinking "so long as it works out," it won't. The reason you should marry her is that you are now a father, and God has already made a provision for fathers to protect their families. The marital bond is precisely that provision. If there would be grave impediments to a marriage — for example, if you had another wife, if she had another husband, or either or both of you were morally incapable of undertaking your marital obligations. The other alternative, however — relegating the young woman to single Momhood, with you merely making visits and paying child support — is unthinkable.

 

I'm currently married and life hasn't always been easy. But what I can honestly tell you is that our relationship with Jesus has been the only thing that has kept us together. Have you ever considered finding out why your lady friend is a Christian? I'd encourage you to seek God about what you should do. No women, and no man is perfect.

 

You pretty much answered your own question here "I want to provide a two parent household so I just need to buckle down, take the reigns as man of the house, and be engaged with her more and make it work." Sounds like a great plan! And it takes a REAL man to admit what he really needs to do to build a better life for his family.

 

I know you said you don't claim any religion but God wants the best for the both of you. I bet your child's mom is a lovely women and you obviously care a lot about her, but I hope that you both take time to consider the One who loves and cares for you both...more that anyone else ever could.

 

I will pray that the Lord gives you wisdom as you think through all this.

 

God bless.

[BettyDraper]

Getting married for any reason other than the other person is the love of your life, and you want to spend the rest of your days on earth by their side - is a bad idea.

 

Getting married and thinking things will get better after the legal papers signed is a bad idea.

 

Getting married when you have doubts it is the right choice is. BAD IDEA!

 

I don't think getting married for the child is a good idea for anyone, not the kid, not the parents.

 

This. Marrying out of a sense of obligation rarely turns out well for the couple or the children. You can still be a good father without being married to your son's mother. I have never seen a happy marriage that resulted only because of a pregnancy or a child. Every couple I know who married for that reason are either divorced or miserable.

 

I only wish you hadn't let the relationship progress this far when you still had major doubts. This doesn't seem like a healthy situation at all.

 

For a "Christian", your fiance certainly has convenient morals. A true Christian would not want to be unequally yoked with a husband who is not Christian and she wouldn't be having sex before marriage either. I don't understand people who claim to have religious affiliations yet they cherry pick what tenets to follow. It's not your fault that she gave you all the privilges of a wife without the ring. That was her foolish decision since marriage is so important to her.

[NTV]

Dude. Don't let her emotions or your emotions make the decision to get married or not get married.

 

 

You have indicated that this woman is demanding, controlling, self-centered, and argumentative.

 

 

 

 

Counseling I think is a darn good idea. And as far as not seeing your kid everyday, I think you might want to make a secret visit to an attorney to discuss time-sharing agreements. Knowledge about that is power to face your fear.

[Hope4now]

I'm sorry but my opinion is a little different.

 

Once you bring a child into the world, I think your focus should become the child's happiness and security, not your own. Any study will tell you that the best place to raise a child is with both parents. If you're torn on continuing this relationship, I think you owe it to the life you brought into the world to give it your best try.

 

And the things that you have complained about in this relationship are very typical annoyances. It's obvious that communication is something you both need to work on. Just from reading your post, you strike me as a nonassertive person, who lets problems amplify and then harbors resentment. This resentment will be the death of any relationship. It sounds like the mother of your child wants to work on this relationship, you should definitely try to find a good counselor before calling it quits.

 

I don't agree with the throwaway society, I think anything worth having in life requires work and honesty. Everyone seems to be looking for something to make them temporarily happy, but I think lasting peace and happiness only comes from living an authentic life of integrity.

 

Please think of your child in all of your decision making. Their quality of life and safety depends on you. One day he will be old enough to ask questions about your life and deductions, just be the example he will need to see.

 

Wishing you all the best!

[RecentChange]

I'm sorry but my opinion is a little different.

 

Once you bring a child into the world, I think your focus should become the child's happiness and security, not your own. Any study will tell you that the best place to raise a child is with both parents.

 

While I agree with the part in bold - the part in itallic is true - but does NOT mean that both parents have to live in the same home.

 

A home full of resentment, conflict, and a lack of LOVE between the parents is NOT a secure and happy place to raise a child.

 

My parents divorced when I was 7 - after spending a number of years living together in anamousity.

 

This may sound odd to those who haven't lived it, but I, and my older siblings were THRILLED that they finally divorced, and moved to their own spaces. Both parents became happier - and more engaged with us kids because they didn't have their own conflict in the way.

 

My parents - with the help of regular family counseling (yes, despite being divorced they came together for counseling on a regular basis) did a fantastic job of co-parenting.

 

I saw both of my parents every day. I slept at my dads house, and he prepared breakfast - took me to school. My mom would then pick me up after school, and I would have dinner at her home. After dinner, my dad would pick me up, and we would do homework at his home, and I would then sleep there.

 

On the weekends my dad took me to most of my sporting practices - but my mom would come sometimes as well. Both were usually there for any competitions I had.

 

Thanksgiving was held at my maternal grandma's house - my dad always came. Christmas morning was spent at my mom's (again, dad was there for presents) - and dinner was at my dads (mom always invited).

 

Even when my dad remarried when I was 13 - my step mom was gracious to my mother - and she was always invited to family functions.

 

It can work this way.

[Mr. Lucky]

Please think of your child in all of your decision making. Their quality of life and safety depends on you. One day he will be old enough to ask questions about your life and deductions, just be the example he will need to see.

 

Wishing you all the best!

 

None of the people I've known who grew up in dysfunctional, emotionally disconnected households have said "I'm glad Mom and Dad stuck it out so their toxic relationship could play out in front of me".

 

Talk about setting an example...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Peach]

While I agree with the part in bold - the part in itallic is true - but does NOT mean that both parents have to live in the same home.

 

A home full of resentment, conflict, and a lack of LOVE between the parents is NOT a secure and happy place to raise a child.

 

I have talked to several adults who were in homes like this. The ones who had parents stay in a toxic marriage they wished would have divorced. The ones who came from divorced homes said that was their normal and seemed well-adjusted.