I'm being prevented from sleeping with my child..

[lovey34]

So my SO and I don't live together. comes over every other day. i have two children. my oldest doesnt sleep with me, my youngest is two. and when he's here he is my priority and I pay more attention to him when he's not here I like to spend time with my kids. and at night sometimes i feel like watching a movie and falling asleep with her in my bed. she is not his child. he insisted on makin gem swear i wouldnt hav her in my bed at night. so he said to buy a bigger bed and i can sleep in hers. so i did. now it is a still a problem. I know he is having a hard time accepting her. I refuse to give up because I feel like if i am patient enough he can come around eventually. I know many step dads go through this but does it eventually pass. I feed his insecurities and make him priority so he knows there is no competition. its been over a year with little improvements. should i be more patient?

[Rainah]

I remember hearing someone say that men like to be babied so when a young child is getting that attention they feel left out. Can you do more activities to include him with bonding with the child and not feel left out?

[BlueIris]

It’s a big mistake to allow a boyfriend to interfere with how you raise your children. Tell him, no. It needn’t be a fight. Just be simple and calm and tell him, no. And erase any thoughts that he "prevents" you from raising your children as you believe is right.

[standtall]

Letting kids sleep in your bed is bad news...creates all sorts of bad sleeping habits for them, and drives a wedge between partners.

 

You can do whatever you want, but when you put your kids in front of you spouse and partner, don't be surprised when they put themselves in front of you.

[Lois_Griffin]

So my SO and I don't live together. comes over every other day. i have two children. my oldest doesnt sleep with me, my youngest is two. and when he's here he is my priority and I pay more attention to him when he's not here I like to spend time with my kids. and at night sometimes i feel like watching a movie and falling asleep with her in my bed. she is not his child. he insisted on makin gem swear i wouldnt hav her in my bed at night. so he said to buy a bigger bed and i can sleep in hers. so i did. now it is a still a problem. I know he is having a hard time accepting her. I refuse to give up because I feel like if i am patient enough he can come around eventually. I know many step dads go through this but does it eventually pass. I feed his insecurities and make him priority so he knows there is no competition. its been over a year with little improvements. should i be more patient?

He's only your boyfriend, he's not her step-dad. That only happens when you're married. He has ZERO say in how you raise your kids.

 

However, it's unhealthy to sleep with your kids, like you're connected to their hip or something. You're setting a bad precedent - especially if you buy her a bigger bed for the sole purpose of YOU sleeping in it with her every night. Seriously. Not a good idea and you'll pay for it down the road.

[heartwhole]

There's nothing wrong with cosleeping with a two year old; it's been widely studied and there are many benefits. However, it was unclear to me whether your boyfriend spends the night. I would not allow a boyfriend to sleep in the same bed as my child.

[Mr. Lucky]

However, it was unclear to me whether your boyfriend spends the night.

 

I think she's saying he's telling her he doesn't want a 2-yr old in bed with them, to me a normal request.

 

lovey34, spelling and punctuation would help you convey your point more clearly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

I don't know, if either of my kids get scared (they are 13 and 10) I still will occasionally let them sleep in our room. Both my kids at age 2 would sleep often in our bed. I too have read studies that co-sleeping is healthy.

 

Honestly I'm not sure I would care what my SO thought especially if he was not living there. I don't have a problem showing someone the door either! Many say this can bite a person in the a** I say whatever! Don't give a f**k.

[veryhappy]

If you want to sleep with your two year old when your bf is staying with you, I sort of get his jealousy.

 

If he made you swear you wouldn't be sleeping with her on the nights he's not there, the dude has serious issues, and you and your kids would be better off getting rid of him.

 

It's your right to sleep with your child in whichever bad you prefer in your own house. He's a bf, and I believe you desperately want more by invoking stepdads. You need to seriously consider if he is and will be a positive presence in your life. Waiting for a change that didn't happen within a year is unrealistic.

[noelle303]

There's nothing wrong with cosleeping with a two year old; it's been widely studied and there are many benefits. However, it was unclear to me whether your boyfriend spends the night. I would not allow a boyfriend to sleep in the same bed as my child.

 

Agreed.

 

OP, so does he have a problem with you child sleeping with the two of you? Or does he have a problem with you sleeping with her even when he's not there?

 

I'm also having an issue with you saying that when he's there you make him a priority. I'm sorry, but he should be aware that you are a mother and the children are the priority. As an adult, he should either accept it or have the decency to walk away.

[anika99]

He is not your little girls stepdad. It's none of his business if you want to sleep with your daughter on the nights you are alone with her. If you feel like he doesn't accept your kids then you should be dumping him. It's unfair of you to date men who don't accept your children. Lastly by trying to control what you and your kids do when he is not even there and they are not even his children he sort of sounds like a creep. I wouldn't have let any man make me swear that I was going to do or not do something with my children. Hell would have frozen over first.

[MJJean]

He doesn't like co-sleeping. You do. Your choices are to end co-sleeping in favor of your SO being able to freely sleep next to you or you continue to co-sleep and spend the night apart from your SO.

 

Personally, I never liked co-sleeping. When mine were babies, I'd put them back in their cribs after feedings. When they got old enough and were sleeping through the night, they were moved into the kids' room. In time, they got "big boy/girl" beds to sleep in. If they got up in the night for comfort, I'd comfort them in their room. This kept our bedroom adult space where we were free to say anything and behave like lovers.

 

Not to mention, it's nice to sleep without someone's foot digging into your back or drool covered fingers poking you in the eye. And Heaven forbid the kid have an "accident" or get sick and vomit in the night. Then EVERYONE has to get up so the bedding can be changed, pajamas can be changed, and then the kid has to be cleaned up and put in new pajamas, too. Good luck getting back to sleep after that. Much easier to only have to change crib/toddler/twin bedding and only have to clean and change the kid without having to wake your sleeping partner, too.

[BettyDraper]

I've had the misfortune of looking after babies and toddlers whose parents believed in co sleeping.

Those kids had to sleep on my chest at all times. Putting them in bed by themselves would result in ear splitting screams.

I don't think that's healthy at all.

 

With that being said, a boyfriend has no right to tell you how to raise your children. He is not your husband.

[ChickiePops]

Putting aside my feelings on co-sleeping, I think the general rule to stick to is kids before short term, non-live in boyfriend.

[bathtub-row]

I object to this terminology that your BF won't LET you sleep with your daughter. I hope that you'll remove that word from your vocabulary when it comes to your life. You need to evaluate the pros and cons of your child sleeping with you and then make your own decision. If your BF doesn't like YOUR choice, then he can get lost.

 

And btw no mature man would act threatened or be unaccepting of the child of a woman he's dating or is married to. His attitude is a huge red flag. I'd suggest that you drop this guy and raise your expectations of men.

[MJJean]

 

And btw no mature man would act threatened or be unaccepting of the child of a woman he's dating or is married to. His attitude is a huge red flag. I'd suggest that you drop this guy and raise your expectations of men.

 

I don't think it's acting threatened or insecure to have a problem with children sleeping in the adults bed. Many people simply do not want a kid, any kid, in bed with them and their SO.

 

The OP and some other posters are addressing this as if it's because the child is not SO's bio child. The truth is we don't know if that is why OP's SO doesn't want the child sharing the bed with them. Some people feel very strongly that children should sleep in their own beds, regardless of parentage.

 

I've heard many couples argue over co-sleeping with their shared children. Usually, one parent arguing it's good for bonding and makes night feedings easier if the child is an infant. And, usually, the other parent argues that having the child in bed is physically uncomfortable, disturbs their sleep (especially those that work very early morning shifts), and that having the child in bed is a barrier to intimacy, both physical and emotional.

 

The only red flag I see is that the OP and her SO have different ideas on child rearing.

[bathtub-row]

I don't think it's acting threatened or insecure to have a problem with children sleeping in the adults bed. Many people simply do not want a kid, any kid, in bed with them and their SO.

 

Right. But that's not all she said. She said that he isn't accepting of her daughter, and she's doing this dance around this guy to accomodate him. He is jealous of the daughter, competes with her, and is telling mom what to do. This is unacceptable on every level.

 

I was with a man like this once and I'm here to tell you that any man who acts competitive toward a child is nothing short of a drama king and a controller. And it doesn't improve with marriage. It actually gets worse. When women stop putting up with ill-behaved men, maybe there would be less of these guys.

[anika99]

I don't think it's acting threatened or insecure to have a problem with children sleeping in the adults bed. Many people simply do not want a kid, any kid, in bed with them and their SO.

 

The OP and some other posters are addressing this as if it's because the child is not SO's bio child. The truth is we don't know if that is why OP's SO doesn't want the child sharing the bed with them. Some people feel very strongly that children should sleep in their own beds, regardless of parentage.

 

I've heard many couples argue over co-sleeping with their shared children. Usually, one parent arguing it's good for bonding and makes night feedings easier if the child is an infant. And, usually, the other parent argues that having the child in bed is physically uncomfortable, disturbs their sleep (especially those that work very early morning shifts), and that having the child in bed is a barrier to intimacy, both physical and emotional.

 

The only red flag I see is that the OP and her SO have different ideas on child rearing.

 

 

The OP said this:

 

and when he's here he is my priority and I pay more attention to him when he's not here I like to spend time with my kids. and at night sometimes i feel like watching a movie and falling asleep with her in my bed.

 

It reads to me like the OP allows her daughter to sleep with her when her bf isn't there. It's not about whether he wants the child in bed with him because she isn't bringing the child into bed when he stays over (thank God) so this situation doesn't impact him and he's got no say in the matter, at all. It's not about a difference of opinion on parenting it's about him trying to control and enforce his wishes on a matter that is totally none of his business.

[MJJean]

Right. But that's not all she said. She said that he isn't accepting of her daughter, and she's doing this dance around this guy to accomodate him. He is jealous of the daughter, competes with her, and is telling mom what to do. This is unacceptable on every level.

 

I was with a man like this once and I'm here to tell you that any man who acts competitive toward a child is nothing short of a drama king and a controller. And it doesn't improve with marriage. It actually gets worse. When women stop putting up with ill-behaved men, maybe there would be less of these guys.

 

I get the impression she meant that he is jealous and not accepting because he doesn't want the child sleeping with the OP. Which may be true or it may be that he is simply one of those people who thinks co-sleeping is a bad idea.

 

The OP said this:

 

 

 

It reads to me like the OP allows her daughter to sleep with her when her bf isn't there. It's not about whether he wants the child in bed with him because she isn't bringing the child into bed when he stays over (thank God) so this situation doesn't impact him and he's got no say in the matter, at all. It's not about a difference of opinion on parenting it's about him trying to control and enforce his wishes on a matter that is totally none of his business.

 

I do agree that it's not his business if they're not in a committed relationship. If they are in a committed relationship, then his wishes on sleeping arrangements should be taken into consideration if he will be living and sleeping with the OP on a regular or somewhat regular basis. It's a compatibility issue.

 

The problem with OP allowing her child to sleep with her when her SO isn't there is that the child will expect to be able to sleep with mom when SO is there. I think the SO wants the child sleeping on her own consistently so that there isn't any drama or confusion when he is there.

 

And I do agree with him. Kids do better when there is consistency and routine.

Edited July 4, 2016 by MJJean

[NTV]

Maybe he just wants to do sexual things with her, and finds it difficult to imagine doing those things in a bed that a child might sleep in. Oftentimes good sex gets pretty messy, after all.

[lovey34]

Are there any step-dads that can't accept their step-daughter? how are you coping with this???its been a year and a half we have made the decision to be together. He can't accept her and goes out of his way to make sure she feels disgusting and insecure. he tells her she is ugly and disgusting. when i try to correct him in front of her she listens to him. yesterday he kept saying how disgusting ghee feet were because she got her toes panted. she had a horrid look on her face and tucked in her toes every time he looked. by the way she is 2 and 1/2 years old!

 

I keep thinking that with time he can accept her and see she is a good kid. she respects him, listens to him and tries to win his approval. after yesterday I am willing to throw it all away.. my kids don't need a step dad. they have a dad, they don't need anything from him, but we will have issues if he goes to great lengths to make a little girl feel insecure. I decided to stop babying his insecurities. As a mom, we are emotional creatures and i knw all the woman will say i am making the right decision. But i knw men like to feel wanted, babied, and priority. What can i do if he already admitted to hating her and not being able to accept her?

[CarrieT]

he tells her she is ugly and disgusting. when i try to correct him in front of her she listens to him. yesterday he kept saying how disgusting ghee feet were because she got her toes panted. she had a horrid look on her face and tucked in her toes every time he looked. by the way she is 2 and 1/2 years old!

 

I keep thinking that with time he can accept her and see she is a good kid. she respects him, listens to him and tries to win his approval. after yesterday I am willing to throw it all away..

 

Please do!

 

I can't believe you are willing to subject your child to potential years of abuse just so you won't be alone.

 

Put your child first and get her out of this horrific situation ASAP.

[NTV]

Wow! Where is you're mama bear mode right now when he says those things to her? Why would you let him? This guy is nothing compared to your kids.

 

 

Anyone who feels the need to insult a two-year-old isn't right in the head. Please don't let him around your kids anymore. He may be trying to establish a complex in her that would allow him to molest her later...

where's Batman when you need him?

 

 

Seriously, this guy is scum, and needs to be removed from your life ASAP.

 

 

And you shouldn't need us to tell you that. Find you're inner mama bear and let it become part of you. You're children are that dang important right?

[lovey34]

I get the impression she meant that he is jealous and not accepting because he doesn't want the child sleeping with the OP. Which may be true or it may be that he is simply one of those people who thinks co-sleeping is a bad idea.

 

 

 

I do agree that it's not his business if they're not in a committed relationship. If they are in a committed relationship, then his wishes on sleeping arrangements should be taken into consideration if he will be living and sleeping with the OP on a regular or somewhat regular basis. It's a compatibility issue.

 

The problem with OP allowing her child to sleep with her when her SO isn't there is that the child will expect to be able to sleep with mom when SO is there. I think the SO wants the child sleeping on her own consistently so that there isn't any drama or confusion when he is there.

 

And I do agree with him. Kids do better when there is consistency and routine.

 

 

Thanks for your opinion all, i do value them. let me be clear, he is not just a BF, we have been together 3 years. and when he has his kids over at his house he sleeps with them. this says a lot!! so yes it is a control issue. no my kids don't stay the night in my bed when he is here. and no its not even every night when he's not here. it is the occasional weekend night after watching a movie in bed and falling asleep. He is more of a husband if anything, just with out the certificate. we help each other with finances, we have say so in one another lives. i want to consider his feelings, however i knw it is out of jealousy not "not believing in co-sleeping."

[GorillaTheater]

He tells your daughter, this sweet little kid, that she's ugly and disgusting? You shouldn't even have a question as to whether to toss this asshat to the curb.