We're both messed up

[Thatfunnyfeeling]

This is my story.

 

It is a long one, like i'm sure most of the stories around here are. Sorry for the profanity and the potentially horrible grammar that will follow, I just need to get this out.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months, we are from different countries and in our late twenties. Before our relationship my girlfriend cheated on her long distance boyfriend, that she hadn't really seen for 2 years (I don't want to justify it, it was respectless not to break up with him first - but feelings do fade) with her boss, they worked together in a research lab. He is the head of the department, and he is married with kids. After a while, she had to leave the country they were in, and she went to the one i'm currently in - which is basically on the other side of the globe.

 

7 months after she arrived, she met me - at first we were dating for a bit, then we practically moved in together, or atleast we see eachother and sleep in the same bed almost every day. We definitley have a special connection, she knows it - and so do I.

 

Now, she had started a business venture with this man, before she met me (he is alot older then me and her, 15-20 years is my guess), where she produces some creative content, and he distributes it. It was a passion project for both of them. So,

 

After my girlfriend and me officially became a thing, she wrote him a long email, explaining that she had gotten a boyfriend, and that things had to be over between them. He accepted, but hoped that she would still be a part of the business, since the business itself meant alot to him. So she agreed to this, since it also meant alot for her, and since she built it from the ground. At the time, I had no idea about any of this, I didn't know who he was and I didn't know that it was him she was working for on the side.

 

This is where it starts getting iffy,

 

According to her (Yes, yes) He became really depressed, I know this to be true (I'll tell why later). He started sending her song lyrics, talked about how life sucked and all that sappy bull****, telling her about dreams he had where she was there. I still don't know anything about any of this at the time. All I know is that she has cheated on her ex-boyfriend, and she told me that before we were in a relationship, while crying her eyes out. I felt that she genuinely felt terrible about it.

 

Anyways,

 

He feels terrible and their communication then becomes very, very frequent - they communicate on skype with text alot, every day basically, and at this point he is basically a comfort system for her. He is really clingy though, but my girlfriend reciprocates.

 

I can't describe it, I felt something was off - she had a hard time looking into my eyes for a long period of time, and her phone was blowing up pretty much constantly (Not him all the time, she has friends in alot of different time zones). So, 3 days ago, I decided that I needed clarity on what was going on.

 

My girlfriend left for work in the morning, and I went on her computer to see what was going on (This is kind of ****ed up, but in the end - I was justified, I feel). I read 2 months worth of Skype texts, and I am ****ing destroyed. He is definetley more into it than her, but she hangs around the conversation. Filled with rage, I open her browser, and by coincidence, her email is open.

I look.

 

He sent her a screenshot of a folder he has, with pictures and videos of them ****ing in some hotelroom or whatever, with the caption "Never forget" to which she replies, that she wont. I look closer, that email was sent 12 days ago.

 

I am ****ing furious,

 

I feel my heart pound like a ten-ton hammer and that terrible, terrible ****ing sinking feeling in my stomach. I close her computer, grab her spare key that she left, and head to her work immediatley.

 

I get there, she is happy to see me - I ask her if we can talk.

We had a previous conversation, around 2 weeks earlier, where i voiced concerns. I specifically used facebook messages (I had no idea) in my wording back then, and she told me back then, that I can look at all her facebook messages if that would make me feel better, of course I won't do that - I need to trust her after all, but I take the gesture as a sign of trust (hah).

 

Cut back to us, sitting on a bench outside her work.

 

I ask her if she remembers that conversation, she does. I ask her how she would feel if I wanted to look at her Skype. Her heart drops, she sighs. She is looking at me, she goes.. "Yeah... I'm handling that"

 

I blow up (of course) - I drop everything on her, except the explicit pictures.

She cries and cries and cries. Her explanation is that, she wanted to break it off (and she did, I read that email), but he got really depressed (which is true), and she felt that it was her fault, she can't stand that someone is that depressed because of her, and therefore she humors him - but wants to stop it.

 

This is where I'm going to have to take a leap of faith, I have no way (at all) of proving that any of the things she is telling me is true,

The whole situation is kind of a blur to me, but I ask her at the end if there is anything else she needs to tell me.

I push, I push hard.

 

She breaks, and tells me that on a recent trip to a third country (she went there with a friend, who is work related - and also works under him) they were there for a conference, and he was also in that town. She met with him, held hands with him (I feel like a ****ing idiot typing this out, but stay with me). And according to her, tells him that they he needs to stop it. And that was that.

 

I don't know what to do, I thought I couldn't get angrier, I thought I had discovered what there was to be discovered.

But no, she ****ing met him in real life - within the month.

Any person with half a brain would assume that they ****ed, I still have my doubts. But I really feel like she is telling me the truth when she says that they didn't, I still do. Call me naivé.

 

She says that, that is all - and i drop the pictures on her.

 

She doesen't know what to say, what can she say? They werent from when we were together - I think that is true aswell, but again - I didn't look at it long enough, but it still is waaaay ****ing over the line, regardless.

I leave and go home, last thing i told was that I loved her, I didn't know if she loved me back, but I hoped that she did (Before that i obviously yelled at her, alot).

 

Now I make a huge mistake

 

I go to my friends house and I get drunk, not drunk-drunk, but I am intoxicated, and I want to see her. I call her, she is torn the **** up, she went home and cried all day and went back to work in the evening to distract herself - I ask her if we can talk, and she says that she will go home right away. I go to her place and she is still crying - she wants to be with me, and she has wanted to stop this communication with him the whole time, I yell at her a little bit more and I tell her that the whole "she feels bad for him, thing" is bull**** in my world, and that she wouldn't have done what she did if there wasn't feelings involved from her side too. She doesen't avoid this per sé, but everytime i allude to it she just goes "I am such a terrible ****ing person" or an abbreviation of that. I ask her if she talked to him today, she says no.

 

She is obviously really, really upset (to the point where she is shivering) she knows that this is a ****ed up situation. Now, I'm drunk, I should have gone home - but I crash on her bed and end up spending the night. In the morning we both lie in bed and cry for a solid hour, she says that she can't believe that she could do this to me. Neither can I, obviously.

 

She goes to the bathroom at one point, and I can't help but look at her computer again - they did talk yesterday, for 15 minutes. She comes back into the room, and I explode. We both drop to the floor, she says she called him to end it definitively, but failed. I can't know if that's true. She says she thinks that she is a compulsive liar, and that she is a cancer on my life (generally, she says alot of demeaning stuff about herself) and that she understands that I would have no reason to believe her. At this point, I don't - so I grab my **** and head for the door - she comes after me outside, and I tell her to go home.

 

I go home and sleep for a couple of hours, and she has texted me "please come back". I make mistake number two, I respond.

(I should add, albiet late, that obviously I really, really like this girl - she is sweet, and we have some of the most interlectually stimluating conversation I've ever had, we share worldviews and interests. We also have a very active sex-life where I'm pretty sure that she is satisfied. She definitley lacks some spine when comes to dealing with people though, she is one of those people that just can't say no.)

 

I proceed to give her more **** through messenger, ask her how she could walk all over me like that, and how, if as she says, our relationship is so important - how could she place herself in a position like that?

 

She says I'm right, she says that she is a terrible person, she says that she hates herself and that she was afraid that if she told me about what was going on, I would leave her "She was in control". I call her scary. She wants to see a therapist, and I tell her that, that would probably be a good idea, I also urge her to call her mom and her best friend and tell them about what happened - I figure that, she needs to stand by what she has done and own up to it in some way, if she ever wants to grow. She agrees, I also tell her that - there is no, no ****ing excuse for her to not just delete this guy from everywhere and never - ever talk to him again, she tells me I'm right and that she is sorry.. She stayed home from work this day, which tells me that she is super ****ed up, because she takes her work VERY seriously. She has been drinking all day, writing me messages every so often like "don't forget to eat something" or " You shouldn't be alone right now, call some friends".

 

In the afternoon she writes me a wall of text (just like this post, sorry!)

she talked to him again - told him what I had experienced and that she can't talk to him anymore (allegedly he was sorry, but who gives a ****) - she deletes every conversation they've ever had, every e-mail. She also talked to her best friend who condemned her actions, but would still be her friend (she didn't even know about the first time).

 

I get this message, and I am sitting at a bar with some friends - I'm sober, and i make mistake number three.

 

This guy is really easy to find, and his e-mail is really easy to find. I send him an anonymous email, and tell him that he needs to stay away from my girlfriend if he wants to keep his infidelity a secret. I send it anonymously so that he can't respond.

 

Stupid. I was a mess. Is she even still my girlfriend? Where is my self-respect? Did she **** him on that trip?

 

Back to the bar,

 

I don't talk to her, or indulge in any conversation about the things she says that she has done. I don't know where I have her, but I'm pretty sure that she really loves me.

 

That night (last night) I go to a nearby lake we usually go to, and we meet eachother on the way. We walk in silence (she looks ****ed up, her eyelids are swollen and her hair is a mess) She, basically whispers everything she says and she seems genuine. She understands if I can't see her again, she has decieved me and maybe she just needs to be alone. She spent some of the day looking into getting a therapist and she will call her mom and talk to her soon aswell. She still didn't **** him on the trip.

I tell her that I love her, and I can't forgive her right now - and mean it. That stuff is going to take time. She says she knows that, and if I can give her some time, she will be able to show me that, since saying it makes no difference.

 

This is where I am,

 

Our relationship has been (relatively) short, but we spend every moment together almost, I value her companionship ALOT. I am going away to think for the weekend, I feel that this person could be a very long term partner for me, but where is my self-respect?

 

Finally, I just want to get the point across that this guy, the other guy, seemed manipulative to me, and maybe he was hard to end things with, considering her push-over tendencies.

 

I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do, but I think I need input.

[doble]

You want input.

 

You are the moth to her flame.

You are the fly to her bullsh*t

You are the jester to her the queen

You are the fool.

 

You remind me of another fool, who refused to see the truth. But kept going back.

 

Don't be that fool.

Edited June 30, 2016 by doble

[smackie9]

there's no way I'm going to read all that because when it's that long there is absolutly no hope....energy better spent move on.

[VeveCakes]

She can't ditch him because he might get depressed? But she has no problem carrying on an emotional affair with him that might make you depressed.

 

She's a cake eater, liar and probably a cheater.

 

Don't waste another breath on her.

[kgcolonel]

If you're really unable to let her go.....might suggest a polygraph to see how much of the truth you're actually getting?

 

I understand the difficulty of letting someone go when you think so much of them. Her reaction will be very telling once you tell her you have a poly scheduled.

[Sparta]

OP Her and her real boyfriend that they're having an affair... Hello they are Pieces of ****... You need some serious counseling, to find out why you would subject your self to this complete insane story. she completely disrespected you and she cheated on you, for the whole duration of your relationship. your make-believe relationship that's what it was. There was not one bit of truth to your relationship with her, you were part of the complete lie that she dumped into your life, her affair relationship with her AP that's the only real relationship which by the way is an "affair". not one time with his wife OMW ever mentioned first of all she needs to know what her husband been up to. 0P you need to snap out of this fog that you are in. This delusional state of thinking you're going to be together with this messed up broken girl.

 

 

You need to do whatever it takes to get her out of your head. 6 months from now you gonna read this story. And say to yourself how did I let myself get caught up in such a mess. But seriously OMW needs to be informed hopefully you can get emails and other evidence you could show her. Whatever proof or evidence you can squander up. You need to go NC (no contact) with her for the rest of your life.

Edited June 30, 2016 by Sparta

[gorf]

 

He sent her a screenshot of a folder he has, with pictures and videos of them ****ing in some hotelroom or whatever, with the caption "Never forget" to which she replies, that she wont. I look closer, that email was sent 12 days ago.

 

There is way too much bad here. I just picked one thing and it is enough. This right here is an example of everything going on both ways.. and it will never work between you two. I'm not going to be the last one to say that either. Good luck!

[Ensam]

This story is too long and confusing for me to follow properly. I think you must do what you feel is best. But if you do decide to take her back, if it was me, I would make it absolutely clear to have no more contact with him again and I'd probably also request access to her mail/phone/skype/social medias for the time being. If we are to assume she's been honest for the most part then she has issues telling people no/cutting things off and your assistance is probably required to ensure he stays away from her. Question is if you want a girlfriend you always have to keep an eye out for and cannot trust to handle these types of situations on her own.

[Leigh 87]

Oh my.

 

Look... You really need to SIMPLIFY things:

 

Healthy happy relationships, are...

 

Healthy and happy.

 

THE FACT she was still ... carrying this thing on with him AT ALL, at a clearly inappropriate level..... Just disgusting. SHE ISN'T A MORON; she KNEW what she was doing:sick:

 

Look, I am not a girls girl and my main friends are my exes; ex dating partners that is, not ex long term bfs.

 

Yet ... even the ones that I share a bit of chemistry with (I find them attractive and if I was single I would do them), I DO NOT cross that line!!! I do NOT reminisce about out past, I DO NOT suggest to them that I am still into them!

 

The MOST I ever say is: " well, you do look lovely today so I don't blame her for hitting on you while you were at work :laugh:"

 

HE is using your past as a took to talk about and make himself feel better about his own crappy life; he is unfortunately, giving your " girlfriend":lmao: an ego boost enough for her to .... say....continue chatting to a guy who BLATANTLY sends her SEXUAL VIDEOS OF THEM TOGETHER:lmao:

 

Dude, where are your balls? Did you leave them in her HANDBAG?

 

I believe in true love. I feel that my bf is the love of my life.

 

But you can bet that if he did THIS to me....... He would not longer be a PART of my life....

[gorf]

Question is if you want a girlfriend you always have to keep an eye out for and cannot trust to handle these types of situations on her own.

I totally agree. Huge things have to change with her. She is in the wrong on so many levels. Anyone in their right mind would agree. If she cant change those things then that is just who she is as a person. Usually a terrible idea: but at this point, if you really want her to stay.. then access for a goood while to social media, skype, emails, etc..... all this she should comply with. If she cares for you, and has nothing to hide, should be no big deal. You need to see if she means what she says. Actions meeting words. Like I say, if she has nothing to hide then its no problem. This isnt a great plan, really she should be dumped.. but if you want to stay, then here you go

[Leigh 87]

This story is too long and confusing for me to follow properly. I think you must do what you feel is best. But if you do decide to take her back, if it was me, I would make it absolutely clear to have no more contact with him again and I'd probably also request access to her mail/phone/skype/social medias for the time being. If we are to assume she's been honest for the most part then she has issues telling people no/cutting things off and your assistance is probably required to ensure he stays away from her. Question is if you want a girlfriend you always have to keep an eye out for and cannot trust to handle these types of situations on her own.

 

 

If you did take her back, you would have to ban her from talking and entertaining explicit content.

 

"banning" people sure doesn't work:lmao:

[Space Ritual]

Your GF knew what she was doing the entire time and the only reason she didn't break it off was because she didn't want to.

 

Her excuses are right out of the cheaters handbook.

 

She is a piece of crap, pure and simple. Continue this relation ship at your own peril. It will NEVER get any better.

[ExpatInItaly]

You discovered who for who she really is.

 

She is extremely dishonest and a cheater. She was having an emotional affair and you know definitively that she was being affectionate with him while fronting as your girlfriend. I wouldn't believe for one hot second that all they did was "hold hands."

 

The bottom line is that she is not invested in you or your relationship. And she doesn't love you. A woman who really loves you wouldn't take a giant proverbial dump all over you the way she did.

 

I suspect there's a heck of a lot more you don't know. I realize you're in shock right now, but you would be very foolish to consider staying. She isn't girlfriend material.

[Satu]

Nothing this complicated and convoluted is worth it.

 

Life is about the pursuit of happiness; it's not about trying to untangle your spaghetti.

[mrs rubble]

You should contact OM's wife and fill her on what's been happening too....agree with the other poster's, nothing worth saving here.