Seeking approval within....

[ConfusedInOC]

What's the secret to this? I know it root base is self-esteem and self-confidence and those two things I am making great progress in, but I still sometimes find myself seeking the approval of others.

 

Is there some method of teaching one's self to seek approval within and be happy with your accomplishments and not worry about the praise (or criticism) of others?!

 

Those of you with great self-esteem, when you accomplish something you a proud of, do you share with others? If so, HOW do you share it? Casually?!

 

For instance, since I got LASIK I find it hard to NOT share that I did it. Though I did it for myself and am happy with the results, sometimes I revert back to my old self and gloat a bit. And I can see that I am doing this to seek the reaction (and approval) from others.

 

How do I STOP doing this?!

[Merin]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

 

 

Those of you with great self-esteem, when you accomplish something you a proud of, do you share with others? If so, HOW do you share it? Casually?!

 

How do I STOP doing this?

 

I like to dance around, doing the "wash machine" dance, high fivin my 7 year old while saying "Who's ya daddy?!"

 

Why would you want to stop?

 

JK JK JK!

 

While it's great to be recognized for a job well done and/or your accomplishments there is a difference between being gracious and gloating... find that balance

[Treasa]

Why do you have to seek approval? It should already be there. Think about it. You don't go around putting other people down, do you? No, you assume that most of the people out there are decent human beings, capable and deserving of love. Why can't you treat yourself the same?

 

Unfortunately, books will NOT give you self esteem.

 

Try doing things by yourself. Go out for a walk at midnight, sit at the beach and observe a full moon. Enjoy your time by yourself. Do volunteer work. When you help others, you also get a better sense of how good you really have things, and you realize that you changed someone's life for the better. And I guarantee that's going to make you feel a LOT better than LASIK did, because LASIK is sort of a shallow thing, lacking substance.

 

I know this sounds lame, but picture yourself the way you want to be ... strong, confident, happy, self-assured. Imagine this figure guarding and protecting the person you are now. I know it sounds REALLY strange, but it works. Imagine this strong, confident, happy person caring about you. See him smiling at you. See him protecting you from pain. You may not be able to, but he can. Gay as it may sound, you find yourself falling in love with YOU.

 

Or, alternately, write down every awesome compliment you've ever gotten. Look at where they merge, pick out your strong points. Mine have always been about my fiction writing, my eyes, my hair, my smile, how generous I am, how good I am with animals, stuff like that.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Treasa

Why do you have to seek approval? It should already be there. Think about it. You don't go around putting other people down, do you? No, you assume that most of the people out there are decent human beings, capable and deserving of love. Why can't you treat yourself the same?

 

My self-esteem is coming along. So is my self-confidence. It's not like I am running around telling everyone of my deeds, but is it normal to talk about something like LASIK and be proud? It's like I am sticking their nose in it. I am just saying the results are amazing...but deep down inside, I still feel like I am seeking approval.

 

Unfortunately, books will NOT give you self esteem.

 

Agreed, that comes from within. But they do give you a basis to start working at it.

 

Try doing things by yourself. Go out for a walk at midnight, sit at the beach and observe a full moon. Enjoy your time by yourself. Do volunteer work. When you help others, you also get a better sense of how good you really have things, and you realize that you changed someone's life for the better. And I guarantee that's going to make you feel a LOT better than LASIK did, because LASIK is sort of a shallow thing, lacking substance.

 

Actually I did a big volunteer thing on Sunday and I do them over the summer once a month. Spent my own money and time helping to train new riders ... to survive on LA's canyons and freeways.

 

LASIK I did because I was tired of glasses and it was something I did for me, to spoil myself. I had been spoiling my Ex so much that I had not though to spoil myself. Yes, it's shallow, but something I had wanted for some time.

 

I know this sounds lame, but picture yourself the way you want to be. The strong, confident, happy, self-assured guy. Imagine this figure guarding and protecting the person you are now. I know it sounds REALLY strange, but it works. Imagine this strong, confident, happy guy caring about you. See him smiling at you. See him protecting you from pain. You may not be able to, but he can. Gay as it may sound, you find yourself falling in love with YOU.

 

I have that one my computer screen and remind myself of it several times a day. I guess this is just taking longer than I want it to. I want to change NOW

 

Or, alternately, write down every awesome compliment you've ever gotten. Look at where they merge, pick out your strong points. Mine have always been about my fiction writing, my eyes, my hair, my smile, how generous I am, how good I am with animals, stuff like that.

 

Hmm. That's interesting. I am aware of my strengths but don't think about them often. I just want to spend more time working on being calm, confident, self-assured and masculine.

[dgiirl]

Heh, I was there a few weeks ago. Needed approval from anyone I could get it from. I actually got it from my friends and now I'm a lot less needy in that department. Just keep moving and hanging out with your friends. They'll make you feel better about yourself and you'll soon become less needy. The fact that you realize your doing it is a good sign

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by dgiirl

Heh, I was there a few weeks ago. Needed approval from anyone I could get it from. I actually got it from my friends and now I'm a lot less needy in that department. Just keep moving and hanging out with your friends. They'll make you feel better about yourself and you'll soon become less needy. The fact that you realize your doing it is a good sign

 

Thanks. Yes, I get it from my friends, though often when I am not seeking it. For instance this weekend I did a free riding/safety class for new riders. I wasn't expecting praise or thanks, but received a lot of it.

 

But, the most important praise I got was from knowing I am helping others ride safetly. And if I help a rider live, then that's all the thanks I need.

 

Hey, maybe I did seek approval within?!? I mean, I wasn't looking for it. I know what I did was good and I am proud of myself but didn't gloat about it.

 

That, in and of itself, is a good thing. Could that be the start of positive, healthy self-esteem?

[Treasa]

Nono, I don't mean a photograph. I mean a mental image of yourself doing the things you want to do and acting the way you want to act. Photographs only show the physical (maybe a smile, but that doesn't convey everything), but that isn't what you need to work on.

 

Yes, I do find it a little odd about the LASIK thing. Truth be told, very few people are truly going to give a crap. If they want to get LASIK badly enough, or if they need to, they'll find a way to do it. Otherwise they might wonder why you're going on about it. It wouldn't make me feel any differently about a person. If you're happy about it, you don't have to tell everyone else.

[dgiirl]

Just give yourself some time. You've just gone through a breakup, and since I experienced the same thing, I guess it's normal. Normal, for a period of time. About gloating about the lasik, dont worry about that either. I've said some crazy stuff myself. I caught myself after the fact and am trying to be more conscience of the fact that noone really cares or needs to know this stuff A few weeks from now, you'll look back and find humor in your actions Dont beat yourself up over it.

[ImaManDammit]

I do the things I want to do because I want to do them, and when I accomplish them I pat myself on the back, but I never seek approval or accolades for them.

 

If someone asks for my experiences and or accomplishments I am happy to share that with them. If the give me a kudos I say "Thank-you". If they give me critisims, I say "Thank-you."

 

But the end of the day, I niether look for acknowledgement or rewards (verbal) from anyone other than myself. The cristism, I take in an evaluate based on a) the course and b) the context it was given, and then decide if its relevant to my growth or not. Again my choice.

 

Its funny, but some posts I see here have people looking for approval for something they did rather than advice.

 

Not that I am religious by any means, but there is a saying. You are the owner of your soul. Come judgement day you and only you will be held accountable. You will not be able to say I did this because of him/her or they made me do this, it is you, who is the owner.

 

Relgiousness (sp?) aside, its very true.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by ImaManDammit

Not that I am religious by any means, but there is a saying. You are the owner of your soul. Come judgement day you and only you will be held accountable. You will not be able to say I did this because of him/her or they made me do this, it is you, who is the owner.

 

Relgiousness (sp?) aside, its very true.

 

Great way of looking at it. When I do things and find myself seeking approval, I often say to myself "Does this glorify God in some way? Would God be pleased?" That sort of helps me put things into perspective and will often stop me from gloating.

 

My actions speak volumes (and sometimes - in regards to the Ex, my INactions)

 

Most of the approval issues are a subcomponent of low self-esteem. I started a thread on it but it get awry and far off topic. But I think a lot of the problems with those on LS stem from self-esteem and self-confidence issues. (Lack thereof).

[Bliss]

I think you need to find yourself some role models. For example, Anthony Robbins said, that instead of trying to figure it all out by yourself, why don't you look at persons you admire and learn from them.

[moimeme]

Really, try reading Ellis' books. Albert Ellis. Google him. It's all about how you think and his theories about this are really sensible.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by moimeme

Really, try reading Ellis' books. Albert Ellis. Google him. It's all about how you think and his theories about this are really sensible.

 

All of them or do you have one in specific?

[johan]

You have to learn to really like yourself. Not for your cool new eyes or bike or for how you look or what you do. You just have to decide that you'd be damn happy to hang out with yourself as you are. Good or bad, it has to be unconditional. And it has to be ALL you. You can't do it based on what you think your ex or anyone else thinks about you. Because I guarantee their real impression of you is nothing like what you think it is. In fact, coming to terms with the idea that you have absolutely no clue what other people really think of you is a good way to get over yourself. No one is looking at you or analyzing you half as much as you are. Chances are they don't care about the things you're trying to do to be cool and it's something else they see that you don't even think about.

 

So you're really just a lot better off being the true you and not worrying about others so much. And if you're a Christian, then you know you have to love your neighbor and do unto others, etc. Without that, you could easily end up being self-centered and arrogant. Maybe it sounds corny, but if you have real love for yourself and others, everything else is pretty much automatic.

[moimeme]

All of them or do you have one in specific?

 

You can start with his first which outlines his philosophy: A Guide to Rational Living

 

I listed several in the 'self-help books' thread.

[Treasa]

Originally posted by johan

You have to learn to really like yourself. Not for your cool new eyes or bike or for how you look or what you do. You just have to decide that you'd be damn happy to hang out with yourself as you are. Good or bad, it has to be unconditional. And it has to be ALL you. You can't do it based on what you think your ex or anyone else thinks about you. Because I guarantee their real impression of you is nothing like what you think it is. In fact, coming to terms with the idea that you have absolutely no clue what other people really think of you is a good way to get over yourself. No one is looking at you or analyzing you half as much as you are. Chances are they don't care about the things you're trying to do to be cool and it's something else they see that you don't even think about.

 

So you're really just a lot better off being the true you and not worrying about others so much. And if you're a Christian, then you know you have to love your neighbor and do unto others, etc. Without that, you could easily end up being self-centered and arrogant. Maybe it sounds corny, but if you have real love for yourself and others, everything else is pretty much automatic.

 

Excellent post. I don't have anything to add to it.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by johan

You have to learn to really like yourself. Not for your cool new eyes or bike or for how you look or what you do. You just have to decide that you'd be damn happy to hang out with yourself as you are. Good or bad, it has to be unconditional. And it has to be ALL you. You can't do it based on what you think your ex or anyone else thinks about you. Because I guarantee their real impression of you is nothing like what you think it is. In fact, coming to terms with the idea that you have absolutely no clue what other people really think of you is a good way to get over yourself. No one is looking at you or analyzing you half as much as you are. Chances are they don't care about the things you're trying to do to be cool and it's something else they see that you don't even think about.

 

So you're really just a lot better off being the true you and not worrying about others so much. And if you're a Christian, then you know you have to love your neighbor and do unto others, etc. Without that, you could easily end up being self-centered and arrogant. Maybe it sounds corny, but if you have real love for yourself and others, everything else is pretty much automatic.

 

Excellent post. Not corny at all. The trick is how to start THINKING that way.