Approaching the Settlement

[tronprogram]

--Split with wife last September.

--We had a baby in February

--She filed for dissolution in April in order to get a temp. order of child support and custody

--She's about to start the settlement agreement

--I can't afford a lawyer since the split but make too much for most legal aid orgs

--She wants sole custody, asserting that because I went out with other women after declaring the separation, then I put my own needs above hers and our child's

--I have had visitation twice a week since my daughter was born that I haven't been perfect about attending b/c I don't want to see my STBX or her mother due to drama that's happened at the time. I've attended 70% of them, though.

--Wife also asserts I have a sex addiction which can't be proven since my sex drive does not impair me in anyway and most mental health professionals would say it's not an addiction if I'm not impaired

--We live in a no-fault state

 

My biggest concern is that I don't have a lawyer and I'm afraid that she'll get sole custody since I can't fight. I don't even know how to fight. We've agreed on splitting the assets and debts, but custody is the real fight. I feel like I would be fine to go this on my own if I knew how to protect myself and knew what to anticipate from her lawyer.

 

In terms of custody, I don't really care about the major life decisions, but I do want to be able to keep her overnight and have her alone, which my wife doesn't trust me to do right now. Her reasoning is baseless, but since she holds all the cards I feel like she can get her way. I do plan on moving closer to my g/f in the near future, which would be across state lines but within 60 miles.

 

When you answer, assume I don't know a THING about how divorce works or how the process works and how I should respond in court.

 

Thanks!

[DivorcedDad123]

Temp orders usually become permanent orders. That said, you can't afford NOT to have a lawyer. Even in the settlement,one word can change the whole dynamic and leave you with nothing.

1. Assume she's documenting everything,which you should be too,including the time you're spending with your daughter.

2. Sex addict? By who's standards? Not worth worrying about. Tell the court she told you she's gay, so of course she thinks a man is a sex addict. Fight fire with fire.

3. After seperation, anyone you've been with is not the courts concern,unless your child was with you and the SO has some criminal record.

 

Do you have a court order temp order? What does it say?

[carhill]

Very rare, in my jurisdiction, for anyone to get sole physical and legal custody except where abuse or neglect are quantifiable and/or a default judgment is entered and sole custody was part of the motions ruled on. Even then, courts generally trend to equitable.

 

If you live in a no-fault state, it's possible an individual judge might be swayed by convincing arguments on her points by a competent lawyer but that would beg the question how and why she can employ such a lawyer and you cannot.

 

IMO, if you really are focused on parenting as job #1, you can make this work. Seek out an attorney who has free consultations (most around here do) and broach two subjects; one, courts and custody in your jurisdiction and, two, your financial circumstances.

 

To clarify, she filed in April, you answered in a timely fashion after being served, and the court ruled on some initial filing motions and granted temp custody and child support to her. Now, you're apparently agreeing to negotiate a settlement instead of letting the court decide disposition. Correct? I'm asking because settlement can occur in both contested and uncontested actions and there is a difference with how that goes.

 

Lastly, have you been to the court, meaning the actual courthouse, and checked to see what resources there are available to you? You said you don't qualify for legal aid. OK, that's cool. Verify that again. Then see what other self-help they offer on the process. More information, especially official court information, is good information.

[tronprogram]

Temp orders usually become permanent orders. That said, you can't afford NOT to have a lawyer. Even in the settlement,one word can change the whole dynamic and leave you with nothing.

 

I had a free consultation yesterday with a lawyer and she said this very thing: temporary usually becomes permanent.

 

1. Assume she's documenting everything,which you should be too,including the time you're spending with your daughter.

 

Well, I had a lot of documentation until my phone was stolen about a month ago. Ugh. Will just keeping a journal of my time count or what kind of proof do I need?

 

2. Sex addict? By who's standards? Not worth worrying about. Tell the court she told you she's gay, so of course she thinks a man is a sex addict. Fight fire with fire.

 

Actually, I probably could say that AND that she withheld until after the separation the fact that she had been assaulted in college. After years of hitting me and yelling at me whenever I'd wake her up in the middle of the night for sex.

 

3. After seperation, anyone you've been with is not the courts concern,unless your child was with you and the SO has some criminal record.

 

My kid has never come close to meeting anyone I've dated. I'd really like her to meet my current SO who doesn't have a criminal record but is also the president of a theatre company and on the board of a philharmonic.

 

Do you have a court order temp order? What does it say?

 

It basically just says that my wife can make all decisions and that we have mutually agreed upon visitation established.

 

Very rare, in my jurisdiction, for anyone to get sole physical and legal custody except where abuse or neglect are quantifiable and/or a default judgment is entered and sole custody was part of the motions ruled on. Even then, courts generally trend to equitable.

 

If you live in a no-fault state, it's possible an individual judge might be swayed by convincing arguments on her points by a competent lawyer but that would beg the question how and why she can employ such a lawyer and you cannot.

 

IMO, if you really are focused on parenting as job #1, you can make this work. Seek out an attorney who has free consultations (most around here do) and broach two subjects; one, courts and custody in your jurisdiction and, two, your financial circumstances.

 

None of the attorneys I've talked to have even seemed interested in talking about working with me. $1500 retainer, bottom line. I make $12/hr. and am behind on more bills than I can count since the split and they tell me $1500 retainer.

 

To clarify, she filed in April, you answered in a timely fashion after being served, and the court ruled on some initial filing motions and granted temp custody and child support to her. Now, you're apparently agreeing to negotiate a settlement instead of letting the court decide disposition. Correct? I'm asking because settlement can occur in both contested and uncontested actions and there is a difference with how that goes.

 

I'm just making sure I get the custody I want with my daughter.

 

Lastly, have you been to the court, meaning the actual courthouse, and checked to see what resources there are available to you? You said you don't qualify for legal aid. OK, that's cool. Verify that again. Then see what other self-help they offer on the process. More information, especially official court information, is good information.

 

No, but this sounds promising. I have been interested in checking other divorce cases just to see how they work and maybe how the judge leans.

[jen1447]

All states are no-fault states, the question is do you live in a state that also allows fault divorce. That means she can make a case against you and seek a larger settlement based on some real or imagined (but must be demonstrable) shortcoming or misdeeds of yours. That doesn't particularly apply to child custody tho, just the divorce and the settlement.

 

Re: child custody, I agree the likely outcome, absent you being a demonstrably dangerous criminal or at-risk person, is you'll retain visitation rights - every other weekend, etc. I'd decide for yourself what you want to fight for here - joint/equal custody might be a pipe dream and one you don't actually want anyway.

 

You'll prob lose w/out a lawyer on the divorce and settlement, but unless they're bringing clear and convincing evidence to court that condemns you as a lowlife, I really doubt you'll lose visitation/part time custody, even w/out a lawyer. All you'd have to do is throw yourself at the mercy of the judge and just say you're a hardworking dad who wants a relationship w/his daughter going forward and the judge will probably rap your ex on the hand w/a ruler and grant it.

[tronprogram]

So I just had an epiphany. I can hire a lawyer with my credit card.

 

The credit card is solely in my name and I have enough on there to cover the lawyer's retainer.

 

The only complication was that my wife has the card because she's been paying it every month. She's doing that because we paid off one of her student loans with it early in the relationship. She's got possession of it because she didn't think it was fair that I spend it on dates while she was paying on it. I agreed to that. However, since she's paid it down, there's enough credit on there for the retainer. So I called the bank to report the card lost and they'll send me a new one next week that I can take to the lawyer's office.

[DivorcedDad123]

Good deal on the credit card. While you're at it, file for bankruptcy. That'll stop the divorce proceedings dead in its tracks. That will give you time to regroup, straighten finances, and hopefully afford your lawyer.

[minimariah]

Tell the court she told you she's gay, so of course she thinks a man is a sex addict. Fight fire with fire.

 

i would NOT recommend this... this is a horrible idea, i think: OP - do not even THINK about using her personal trauma against her on the court. you'll look like a giant douche. suck it up, grow up and do NOT talk sh*t about her -- instead, deny her allegations CALMLY and express concern over her badmouthing you... you want to look mature and respectful here, showing interest in a normal relationship with the mother of your child.

 

While you're at it, file for bankruptcy.

 

and it will prolong the current situation and the temporary order making it even MORE likely that it will become official.

 

Her reasoning is baseless...

 

not at all. she has a fantastic case -

 

a. your child is FOUR months old - of course she won't sleep at your place. you should definitely be able to take her to your home for a couple of hours a day but you can forget about sleepovers until she's a year old. watch out if she starts pulling out scientific proof.

 

b. you're only using 70% of your visitation - huuuuuuuuuuge fail. you don't want to deal with the drama coming from the STBXW and her mother so you're not showing up for the visitation: that pretty much confirms her theory that you're putting your own needs about the needs of the child.

 

c. you're not really interested in any major life decisions - meaning, you're not interested in actually RAISING your child and having joint legal custody. in fact, i'm not sure why are you so scared of your STBXW having sole custody... that's actually what you want but with extended visitations.

 

d. you're moving away in order to live closer to your girlfriend but you'll live farther away from your child? if i got that right - another huge fail.

 

get a lawyer and be realistic - you're a bad candidate for any type of joint custody, i'd go for extended visitations maybe twice a week + ever other weekend or whatever works for you. and those visitations will change as the child grows - you're dealing with a newborn here. it's like you have no idea what that means.

 

good luck. you'll need it.

Edited June 30, 2016 by minimariah

[DivorcedDad123]

So its ok for her to say he's a sex addict, but he can't say anything back? Sorry, women use these tactics in divorce court every day. Time for men to do the same.

 

OP,. as a divorced man, I know what you're up against. I've been there! You need time to insure that the next 18-19 years isnt in servitude and that you don't lose EVERYTHING, let alone half.

[tronprogram]

I went to bed a lot earlier last night. The credit card thing isn't the only slice of fried gold I've conjured today.

 

I also, on a whim, tried logging into her Facebook account. It worked.

 

I read messages between her and this guy that's been on the fringes for a few months. She's told me he's just a 'friend'. Well...this 'friend' has talked about marriage with her, left hickeys on private parts of her body, is currently talking about cohabiting with her, he and his mother have seen my daughter, and my wife considers herself his girlfriend.

 

I talked to my newly-hired lawyer about all this and he said most of it was irrelevant, but now I get all these lovely screenshots to prove she's full of it. She's got my parents believing she's a shell of a person and her life is over because I left her. Hmm. I've got a screenshot of her telling this guy that she's better off without me. She also throws a fit when she considers my g/f having anything to do with our daughter. Yet HER b/f and his mother have met my daughter on who knows how many occasions.

 

On top of all this, the lawyer says the judge that will be hearing our case favors dads because he's a dad and, typically, unless a dad has drug/alcohol/anger problems, the dads get joint custody in his court.

[Tayla]

The following may garner some backlash yet I share this with you because it happened in our family.

 

The hubs thought for years after paying child support that he was the bio Dad. Turns out he ISN"T. His EXwife had a fling and didn't confess. Thirteen years later and due to some medical testing to narrow down the boys odd health problems, it came to light that He is NOT the BIO dad. By now and according to law, if the parents go to custody and neither contest it or ask the courts for the DNA test, then the law stands that BOTH are the parents. So get a DNA test. even if you are 110% convinced, you will be shocked to learn how many fathers are Legally the custodial but are not bio Dad. At least then you haven't waved any rights down the road if such shows who the parents are genetically.

trust me, you do have the right to ask such before bickering over the future child concerns.

 

Our family would have bet the farm that this child was biologically a kin. Yet the reality is...he is not. And the kicker is.....for another 8 years this male parent has to fork over money for a child that is not his. Because golly....the courts are simply thinking of what is in the best interest of the child. Have someone fund it ...right or wrong....the state and this maternal parent are making out pretty well.

[minimariah]

So its ok for her to say he's a sex addict, but he can't say anything back? Sorry, women use these tactics in divorce court every day. Time for men to do the same.

 

sorry but you're giving him DANGEROUS advice. every decent lawyer in the world will tell you the same - when your X trashes you, do NOT trash back. ESPECIALLY not with the lies; if you keep it CALM, YOU will actually look like the mature one... and you'll have bigger chances of winning your goal. so if you act mature & keeping it cool and focusing on the best interest of the child - the X who trashes you will look like a fool.

 

this is not high school and the OP is not 15 for him to "fire back" with the same lies, time to grow up -- not to mention that he has NOTHING to fire back with; the right response would be doing psych evaluation and bringing in MEDICAL proof that he is healthy. firing back with the "oh, she's gay so she wouldn't know" would made him look like an immature, homophobic guy - only FURTHER proving the wife's claims that he's an unfit parent.

 

and right now...? he doesn't look like the best daddy in the world. so he can't afford to be rude, AT ALL.

Edited July 1, 2016 by minimariah

[minimariah]

On top of all this, the lawyer says the judge that will be hearing our case favors dads because he's a dad and, typically, unless a dad has drug/alcohol/anger problems, the dads get joint custody in his court.

 

OP - do you know what joint custody means...? do you have what it takes to take care of a newborn on your own; do you have the right house + equipment? on your OWN... not your girlfriend? are you ready to have the child half of the time with you...?

 

you missed 30% of the visitation because you can't cope with the drama - do you understand that joint custody means not being able to make a decision without your X? means communicating and dealing with the X? means communicating about vital major life decisions?

 

make sure you figure out what you want first and make sure your lawyer tells you what exactly does it mean to have joint legal & psych custody.

 

i remember your earlier threads - sucks to see you didn't mantain that friendly relationship with your wife from the beginning after all. it was expected though.

Edited July 1, 2016 by minimariah

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry about your divorce. As you discuss child custody, i hope you and your STBX will work out a settlement that is best for your daughter.

[Lois_Griffin]

So its ok for her to say he's a sex addict, but he can't say anything back? Sorry, women use these tactics in divorce court every day. Time for men to do the same.

 

OP,. as a divorced man, I know what you're up against. I've been there! You need time to insure that the next 18-19 years isnt in servitude and that you don't lose EVERYTHING, let alone half.

The man makes $12 an hour for Christ's sakes.

 

What's he going to lose?

 

OP, you're not going to win any awards for being Father of the Year, that's painfully obvious.

 

You're only making 2/3 of your visitations NOW, and you haven't even moved 60 miles away yet. So it's doubtful you'll be visiting your baby MORE once you do move.

 

And you DO realize joint custody means 50% of the time the baby is with YOU, don't you?

 

If you can't even be bothered to be a more involved parent NOW, then it's pretty obvious you're just going for the joint custody to avoid paying child support.

 

You wouldn't be the first one to do that. But you'll be back in court down the road when you don't live up to the 50% part. That's a guarantee.