Could any woman be tempted to cheat?

[oldshirt]

This may be the case for many people and I'm not professing holier than though morality, but I just couldn't do it for the reasons below.

 

I've had opportunities to cheat and there were times I wasn't particularly happy in my marriage many years ago, but I always feel sods law would be prevalent in my case and I'd end up getting caught. I tend to be a bit pessimistic when it comes to this stuff.

 

Plus I know my husband would tell my entire family and I couldn't live that down. Especially my sisters, parents and kids who would be so disappointed and ashamed of my behaviour. The shame alone is a reason I wouldn't cheat while married. In my ethnicity, female infidelity is viewed as being so much worse than men as well.

 

I just couldn't take the label of being a cheater. There was a time I actually said (not to my husband) - if there was such a thing as a 'time out' in marriage, where I could be with someone else for a night or two and come back to the marriage - then who knows.

 

So whilst I have no desire to cheat, even if I did, the fear of getting caught and all my pro marriage work with couples and young adults would look like a total farce.

 

I believe in your sincerity and that you mean what you say at this time.

 

But the right person, the right time and place, the right conditions and the right set of circumstances could change all that. It hasn't happened yet and it may not ever happen.

 

We all here may have a somewhat jaded view of the world but most people do not cheat.

 

But my point is that if all the conditions and circumstances all line up, it could and that no one is immune and that no one can ever say never for sure.

 

Everyone that has ever done it has said at some point said they would never and that they could never. Then they list all the reason why they couldn't and they all say that they have had opportunities and didn't.

 

.....and then one day they did.

 

Again, I am not directing this at you personally and I know that you are sincere in what you believe. I'm just saying that every person who has ever cheated, said all those same things with the same conviction at some point.

 

...and then one day they did.

[sandylee1]

 

Everyone that has ever done it has said at some point said they would never and that they could never. Then they list all the reason why they couldn't and they all say that they have had opportunities and didn't.

 

.....and then one day they did.

 

Again, I am not directing this at you personally and I know that you are sincere in what you believe. I'm just saying that every person who has ever cheated, said all those same things with the same conviction at some point.

 

...and then one day they did.

 

Hhmmm. I disagree with your view that EVERYONE says they'd never cheat.

 

I think some people know very well they are the type who are well capable of infidelity and would not swear blind about it. Those who were cheating at the point of taking wedding vows know they are veteran cheaters.

 

Unfortunately not everyone thinks cheating is that bad a thing, especially for men.

 

Speaking generally as I know you are too, not being aware of boundaries and consequences can lead you down that path. When you fully assess what you have to loose by cheating, it's a major factor in your decision to proceed.

 

When anything remotely enters my mind and I look to the fallout of it .... I have to say it's not possible for me to physically cheat. My status as the favourite daughter in law would be destroyed☺ ... I have inlaws who say I'm the best thing to come into the family and I do more for them than their own children.

 

I couldn't have that and bring shame on my parents and my mum especially. It would seriously affect her. I know how she was feeling when one of my brother's marriage crumbled.

 

Cheating isn't a road every human being, man or woman would go down and I don't believe it can be said as fact. Everyone has a different resolve and personality.

 

Many people recognise a situation that could lead to an affair and avoid it like the plague.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hhmmm. I disagree with your view that EVERYONE says they'd never cheat.

 

I think some people know very well they are the type who are well capable of infidelity and would not swear blind about it. Those who were cheating at the point of taking wedding vows know they are veteran cheaters.

 

Unfortunately not everyone thinks cheating is that bad a thing, especially for men.

 

Speaking generally as I know you are too, not being aware of boundaries and consequences can lead you down that path. When you fully assess what you have to loose by cheating, it's a major factor in your decision to proceed.

 

When anything remotely enters my mind and I look to the fallout of it .... I have to say it's not possible for me to physically cheat. My status as the favourite daughter in law would be destroyed☺ ... I have inlaws who say I'm the best thing to come into the family and I do more for them than their own children.

 

I couldn't have that and bring shame on my parents and my mum especially. It would seriously affect her. I know how she was feeling when one of my brother's marriage crumbled.

 

Cheating isn't a road every human being, man or woman would go down and I don't believe it can be said as fact. Everyone has a different resolve and personality.

 

Many people recognise a situation that could lead to an affair and avoid it like the plague.

 

I agree...not EVERYONE says they would not cheat....but many certainly do....I was one who said never.....I hope you stay true to your word....I truly do....as I wish I had.

 

Predicting a person will be a cheater is a difficult thing at best. I personally....never sat around and thought about it....and I think MOST people don't...unless they were somehow connected to infidelity in their past.

[ladydesigner]

Hhmmm. I disagree with your view that EVERYONE says they'd never cheat.

 

I think some people know very well they are the type who are well capable of infidelity and would not swear blind about it. Those who were cheating at the point of taking wedding vows know they are veteran cheaters.

 

Unfortunately not everyone thinks cheating is that bad a thing, especially for men.

 

Speaking generally as I know you are too, not being aware of boundaries and consequences can lead you down that path. When you fully assess what you have to loose by cheating, it's a major factor in your decision to proceed.

 

When anything remotely enters my mind and I look to the fallout of it .... I have to say it's not possible for me to physically cheat. My status as the favourite daughter in law would be destroyed☺ ... I have inlaws who say I'm the best thing to come into the family and I do more for them than their own children.

 

I couldn't have that and bring shame on my parents and my mum especially. It would seriously affect her. I know how she was feeling when one of my brother's marriage crumbled.

 

Cheating isn't a road every human being, man or woman would go down and I don't believe it can be said as fact. Everyone has a different resolve and personality.

 

Many people recognise a situation that could lead to an affair and avoid it like the plague.

 

Yes I agree with this as well. I think you have those that are truly unhappy either with themselves and the marriage and they get caught up when someone else starts paying them attention. It's a really bad coping skill.

 

Then I think there are the 'seasoned' cheaters who know what they do but just don't care like Sandy said for one reason or another they don't view cheating as being THAT bad.

[ladydesigner]

Sometimes the "pure" women are the most likely to cheat.

Those who pretend to be closest to God are often hypocrites behind closed doors...especially when it comes to sexual morality.

 

I have read numerous stories on other boards about ministers and parishoners having affairs. It happens more often than you think. Just because a person is religious doesn't make them immune, but their justifications for what they do fall short if they are following their religious code.

[BettyDraper]

I have read numerous stories on other boards about ministers and parishoners having affairs. It happens more often than you think. Just because a person is religious doesn't make them immune, but their justifications for what they do fall short if they are following their religious code.

 

I realize that this happens more than people believe.

That's why I posted that the "pure" types are often the worst.

This has been my experience. They love to critique the choices of others while they commit even worse sins.

[jen1447]

I have read numerous stories on other boards about ministers and parishoners having affairs. It happens more often than you think. Just because a person is religious doesn't make them immune, but their justifications for what they do fall short if they are following their religious code.

 

Yep - I'm not actually standing in judgment of ppl who like to fool around, but I do find fault w/ppl who maintain that they hold a certain values system and then brazenly contradict it. And some of the ministers/parishoners do just that - they don't succumb to temptation and have an agonized personal failing type thing with many dark nights of the soul afterward but just willingly seek it out and have no qualms about it whatsoever while singing hymns from the pew the next Sunday.

 

btw I think the answer to this temptation question is really simple - anyone can be tempted to cheat, bc in order to not be vulnerable to temptation you bscly wouldn't be human, but the question of whether everyone will then be just as likely to act on the temptation is more nuanced. Some ppl may indeed be emotionally and psychologically equipped to firmly reject it while others aren't, and most probably fall into that middle ground we've established pretty well here where you're less resolute than you think if it happens to you.

[sidney2718]

This may be the case for many people and I'm not professing holier than though morality, but I just couldn't do it for the reasons below.

 

I've had opportunities to cheat and there were times I wasn't particularly happy in my marriage many years ago, but I always feel sods law would be prevalent in my case and I'd end up getting caught. I tend to be a bit pessimistic when it comes to this stuff.

 

Plus I know my husband would tell my entire family and I couldn't live that down. Especially my sisters, parents and kids who would be so disappointed and ashamed of my behaviour. The shame alone is a reason I wouldn't cheat while married. In my ethnicity, female infidelity is viewed as being so much worse than men as well.

 

I just couldn't take the label of being a cheater. There was a time I actually said (not to my husband) - if there was such a thing as a 'time out' in marriage, where I could be with someone else for a night or two and come back to the marriage - then who knows.

 

So whilst I have no desire to cheat, even if I did, the fear of getting caught and all my pro marriage work with couples and young adults would look like a total farce.

 

I think that there is another factor at play. We humans all have the ability to compartmentalize. Most of the time this is good. We can come home from work, close the work compartment, and not think of it until next being back at work.

 

Often when the chance to cheat arises we are in a compartment that we can and do wall off from the rest of our normal lives. Even a physical encounter can be walled off and not thought about---to the point where one does not even think one is cheating.

 

So yes, under the right circumstances I believe that anyone can cheat. But of course there are the one or two in any large group who wouldn't. Doesn't disprove the point.

[merrmeade]

Sometimes I wish to high heaven I could compartmentalize.

 

I think sandylee is right that the ability to compartmentalize is key to living with yourself when you're cheating. Also, that it's probabyl easier for people who've had experience doing it in other areas of life.

 

I think that being brought up by idealistic people who insist on teaching children to look squarely at facts, be objective, hold oneself to the highest standard of truth. It makes it damn hard to do anything you consider wrong and live with yourself.

 

It's not that cheaters don't have a conscience, it's that they adjust it as they go to do things they think they have to do and then things they just want to do.

[sandylee1]

There's a big difference in being tempted to cheat and actually cheating. Between the two I could say yes I've been in position one, but no to the other. All the things I stood to loose flashed before my eyes and the fallout would be horrendous.

 

Whilst I'm a positive person in general, when it comes down to me getting caught doing wrong I'm not so positive and I'm convinced I'd get busted. It's difficult to look at yourself when you go against the things you stand for.

 

I currently have a role where I discuss marriage and the hopes and fears that young people have in high school. Up on the list is infidelity. I do work with engaged couples on various issues, and infidelity is one of them .... all in a bid to have a lifetime marriage, so I can't imagine how utterly hypocritical it would be for me to cheat personally.

 

I'd probably get kicked out of doing the work I really love doing.

 

You know how disgusted people get when a police officer commits a crime or if a teacher was found to be inappropriate with kids.

 

Like Jen said I find it much worse when religious figures who are pro marriage cheat. There was a pastor in my community who had an affair. All after giving marriage advice and support to couples with marital issues. Some who'd had affairs as well. He totally lost respect when it came to the knowledge of the congregation and many left the church.

[loveisanaction]

Everybody has a weakness, myself included; some people just don't cheat. Are they better, more grounded, have stronger boundaries or are 'more pure' than those who have or who are cheating? Oh Please!

 

We all have weaknesses. For some, no matter how bad the relationship is they just won't cheat. Women beaten to the point of death who would never cheat. Then i've seen the lady whose husband doesn't desirably look at her the way she wants so she cheats.

 

People have different weaknesses. I for one am a huge procrastinator. I will procrastinate until the cows come home. I won't exercise, i won't get my Masters degree, i won't eat healthy. I keep saying i will...tomorrow ...but i've never cheated. Will i? I haven't the foggiest idea.

 

There will always be that one person who surprised everyone (including themselves) when they cheated. Then there are the serial cheaters. They cheat and will continue to do so until the end of time.

 

Thinking and pondering about the people who could cheat and those who would never...what does it solve exactly?

 

At the end of the day we all have weaknesses; none worse or better than the next person's.

[flowergirl14]

Uggh! The serial cheater. How did I get strapped to one? I so wanted to believe that it was one affair, one event. A couple can deal with that right? Then you discover Ashley Madison accounts, craigslist hookups on top of that. The only truthful thing my h has ever said to me was in a convo. That went like this..me; "how can you have hurt me soo much?" In reference to the affairs Him: "maybe I'm not the right person for you."

[Mr Blunt]

　

 

 

Could any woman be tempted to cheat?

 

 

My guess is YES. I think that every man and woman will be tempted in some way to be selfish. Temptation is part of life but the most important w question to me is what do you do with temptation?

No matter which way you choose to handle temptation there is hope for the people that look to their faith in times of temptation and great sorrow

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 Corinthians 10:13

13　No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it

 

 

1 John 2:1

"My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.

 

 

 

 

WE have no excuse because there is a way to escape. On the other hand, I do not know of one person that has not succumbed to sin. The ones that succumb to infidelity have one of the greatest risks of breaking a marriage and relationships. If you have children then infidelity will cause even greater pain for many.

 

 

 

 

My summation:

There is always a way to escape but many do not. For those that fall there is always a way to make things a lot better…NO EXCUSES!

Edited July 3, 2016 by Mr Blunt

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Thanks for all the good discussion.

 

 

Again, it would shock me if my wife knowingly cheated. I say knowingly b/c she does have alcohol issues. Most of the time she drinks at home so the risk is not there. Most of the social situations she is drinking I am around. But there have been a couple times when she was so drunk and came up to bed, we had sex and the next morning she didn't remember having sex. I would worry about her being out by herself and being taken advantage of.

 

 

Also, we are going thru rough patch as mentioned in original post. B/C of recent job changes we are in different cities often. She tells me she goes to pick up some food has a glass of wine or two at the bar while she waits for the food. So there is more opportunities than before.

[BeholdtheMan]

But there have been a couple times when she was so drunk and came up to bed, we had sex and the next morning she didn't remember having sex. I would worry about her being out by herself and being taken advantage of.

 

It seems probable that alcohol has prevented your wife from remembering her sexual infidelity on several occasions

[Michelle ma Belle]

There's a big difference in being tempted to cheat and actually cheating. Between the two I could say yes I've been in position one, but no to the other. All the things I stood to loose flashed before my eyes and the fallout would be horrendous.

 

Exactly.

 

Enough said regarding the topic of this thread.

[cozycottagelg]

Thanks for all the good discussion.

 

 

Again, it would shock me if my wife knowingly cheated. I say knowingly b/c she does have alcohol issues. Most of the time she drinks at home so the risk is not there. Most of the social situations she is drinking I am around. But there have been a couple times when she was so drunk and came up to bed, we had sex and the next morning she didn't remember having sex. I would worry about her being out by herself and being taken advantage of.

 

 

Also, we are going thru rough patch as mentioned in original post. B/C of recent job changes we are in different cities often. She tells me she goes to pick up some food has a glass of wine or two at the bar while she waits for the food. So there is more opportunities than before.

 

I recommend doing the best you can at reconnecting with your wife. Going to a bar alone and waiting for food can quickly turn into more. I'm not saying she would, or even wants to...but I think you're at a point in your marriage that stepping up your game is necessary.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

It seems probable that alcohol has prevented your wife from remembering her sexual infidelity on several occasions

 

I don't think so. Again she typically has too much too drink at home during the evening after putting kids to bed or it social situations of which I am around 80-90% of the time. The other times she is just down the street hanging out with the neighbor ladies. It is very very rare they go out to a bar or the like without the husbands.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Wookin, I guess you have a problem if your wife is a heavy drinker. The thing is that alcohol lowers inhibitions and even if otherwise she is not the kind of person who would entertain thoughts of cheating, in a bout of alcoholic stupor she just might especially if she is by herself in a bar while collecting her order and some charming guy chats her up.

The fact is that some people are weak and fall into a trap set by others sometimes against their better judgement. Your wife may or may not fall into that category but if I were in your place I would make strenuous efforts to get her to rehab and get her treated for deaddiction. You would know better. However, from the way you have written your posts, it seems to me that you are reluctant to believe that your wife can cheat. In your place I wouldn't hold my breath. Best wishes.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I meant to include this in the OP but to the ladies - if you were hit on by someone you found to be incredibly attractive (movie star good looks) and even if you knew he just wanted sex for one night, would you consider it?

 

 

My wife has a thing for Ryan Gosslin and have seen google searches for him in her history. I have seen her act "differently" around a certain type of man, like a school girl flirty. Usually the guy is an over-the-top funny, decent-looking I guess, small-framed guy.

[oldshirt]

 

 

Again, it would shock me if my wife knowingly cheated. I say knowingly b/c she does have alcohol issues. Most of the time she drinks at home so the risk is not there. Most of the social situations she is drinking I am around. But there have been a couple times when she was so drunk and came up to bed, we had sex and the next morning she didn't remember having sex. I would worry about her being out by herself and being taken advantage of.

 

 

.

 

This is pure codependent and enabler-speak. This is right out of the Alanon Handbook.

 

You are downplaying her alcoholism by saying she usually only drinks at home or when you are there. But then when she does go off by herself to get drunk, you blame it on other people 'taking advantage' of her.

 

This is pure denial, justification and downplaying.

 

She is choosing to drink. She knows that drunk people do stupid and harmful things and she knows that drunk women get picked up by horny dudes. There for if she chooses to go out and drink in public knowing that horny men will be trying to bed her, she will be accountable if she drops her drawers and wraps her legs around them.

 

When she comes home with other guys stuff dripping out of her and into your bed, it is still a conscious decision and action on her part.

 

You aren't getting that yet.

[NTV]

I meant to include this in the OP but to the ladies - if you were hit on by someone you found to be incredibly attractive (movie star good looks) and even if you knew he just wanted sex for one night, would you consider it?

 

 

My wife has a thing for Ryan Gosslin and have seen google searches for him in her history. I have seen her act "differently" around a certain type of man, like a school girl flirty. Usually the guy is an over-the-top funny, decent-looking I guess, small-framed guy.

 

 

 

In the series of posts you have made on this thread, I have concluded that you have sufficient evidence to not trust your spouse and that she if she has/is not cheating on you, then she is gearing up to do so.

 

 

Really, you should evaluate why/if you want to stay married at this point prior to becoming Sherlock Holmes. If you decide that you do want to be married to her, then you must also look at whether she wants to stay married to you.... and it's critical here that you do NOT trust her words. Look to her actions.... in fact, the attitude and mantra I suggest you adopt when dealing with her is:

 

 

"If you want to be single, then be single."

 

 

Good luck!

[spanz1]

Unless she's really a pro/veteran, she wouldn't likely tell you guys are hitting on her and then go ahead and cheat w/them. .

 

I disagree. She may be batting around the idea in her head, and saying things aloud to you to get herself to snap out of it. But that does NOT mean she is done thinking about it.

 

It is like a spouse who talks a lot about some person at work, how they are flirty, pursuing the other people, how they do not like that style of person....and then all of a sudden they stop talking about that person abruptly. You have to wonder, after all that mental time spent talking about this person, why all of a sudden are they silent. Has something started, and they are ashamed to mention the name of that person?

[RecentChange]

I disagree. She may be batting around the idea in her head, and saying things aloud to you to get herself to snap out of it. But that does NOT mean she is done thinking about it.

 

It is like a spouse who talks a lot about some person at work, how they are flirty, pursuing the other people, how they do not like that style of person....and then all of a sudden they stop talking about that person abruptly. You have to wonder, after all that mental time spent talking about this person, why all of a sudden are they silent. Has something started, and they are ashamed to mention the name of that person?

 

I agree with this. I used to tell my spouse about my affair partner. At that point nothing had happened, I didn't even recognize we were flirting, I wasn't imagining I would cheat.

 

Just telling him about someone I talk like I normally would.

 

Until it became obvious we were flirting, until I started to know we were slipping towards a danger zone - and then I clammed up, careful not to mention him.

[jen1447]

See OP's OP for context -

 

My wife & I are going thru rough patch. She just told me other guys (not our group of friends) have hit on her. She said she would never act on it.

 

She wasn't innocently discussing ppl from work, she was talking about how they hit on her and even offered a promise of good behavior. That's a lot diff than whimsically talking about some random in a platonic way. While anything's indeed possible, that would be a hugely ballsy and risky move on her part to elaborate on all that and then go ahead and jump on anyway. Really only a 'pro' would do that who specializes in daring bluffs, and if OP's wife is that level he's got bigger problems bc chances are slim this was the first time.