Now I know what it feels like... [UPDATED 2017]

[ladydesigner]

RegretfulOM what was your childhood like? Did anyone in your childhood make you feel feelings of rejection either by being emotionally or physically absent?

[Sub]

Regretful, have there been any consequences to your cheating previously, as a result of the D-Days? You're obviously still married and with your family, so it hasn't cost you everything. But what has your W's reaction been? Have you done the whole "promise to be a better H" thing?

[RegretfulOM]

Regretful, have there been any consequences to your cheating previously, as a result of the D-Days? You're obviously still married and with your family, so it hasn't cost you everything. But what has your W's reaction been? Have you done the whole "promise to be a better H" thing?

 

I have made no promises at all, nor were they expected. Not everyone views infidelity as the ultimate betrayal. My wife and I are that way. Like I said before, I'm concerned about the emotional betrayal here not the other aspects. Emotional Betrayal IS something that would be a deal breaker in her eyes. These were the terms set in previous D-Days.

[Sub]

I have made no promises at all, nor were they expected. Not everyone views infidelity as the ultimate betrayal. My wife and I are that way. Like I said before, I'm concerned about the emotional betrayal here not the other aspects. Emotional Betrayal IS something that would be a deal breaker in her eyes. These were the terms set in previous D-Days.

 

So, the answer is no, then. In effect, you've agreed to a kind of open M. You can sleep with whomever, as long as feelings don't get involved. I get it. BUT, now that feelings have gotten involved, you stand to lose all the benefits agreed to in the "terms" set in your previous D-Days. I don't think it's just about this AP for you. I think you're worried that your W will realize that it did get emotional, thus breaking the agreement the two of you had come to. Then infidelity becomes a bigger deal and a game changer. The toys go away and you have to put your big boy pants on.

[elaine567]

I personally feel you guys are being harder on me than the females on here for some reason.

 

I think the difference is that most OWs are not serial cheaters, they get caught up in a mess and need help to get themselves out of it. Many are very vulnerable women who have been fed a load of nonsense by MM who have acted in a very similar way to you.

Hence part of the hostility, others are BWs who have husbands just like you and others are people who have never cheated and who are appalled by the mindset of a serial cheater.

Others will have great empathy for your wife and will be putting themselves in her shoes... BH's will also be triggering.

A tough crowd.

 

I guess if some woman came on here and said she had a habit of cheating on her husband and had left a trail of broken hearted single men in her wake and now wanted help because she had "fallen in love" with someone else's husband, I guess she might get the same "harder" response too.

[anika99]

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. The ironic part of this is that me and her talked about our past APs. Neither of us understood why some can't let go and randomly reach out months or even years after things have ended. I honestly thought of the guys that wanted her back as lesser men. I thought me falling for her was impossible. My last AP warned me about getting involved with this woman. I thought she was only saying it because she wanted us to keep seeing each other. She was right though. Being with a serial cheater is nothing like the relationships I had before. I feel like I am in a box. We go to a hotel for a few hours then I don't hear from her for another week. We text but not as often as would like. Lately when I send an emotional text her replies are business like and more concerned about when/where is the next meet up.

 

I'm late to this thread but the above post really stood out. The total lack of empathy and understanding that the two of you feel towards your prior affair partners as well as the incomplete inability to stay faithful to your spouses to the point of having multiple affairs with people you have ended up hurting and damaging, and then you two feel superior to the people you have inflicted this pain on...well that's seriously messed up. I think the both of you have some kind of personality disorder and I'm not saying that just to be snarky...I really do think the both of you are emotionally and/or mentally ill, just undeveloped and stunted in some way.

 

 

Get divorced and then have all the cheap shallow connections you want. Start being a grown up and modelling better behaviour for your children. Do you have any daughters? Do you want to see your daughter broken and damaged some day because she hooked up with a guy like you?

[Ruffian1]

I have made no promises at all, nor were they expected. Not everyone views infidelity as the ultimate betrayal. My wife and I are that way. Like I said before, I'm concerned about the emotional betrayal here not the other aspects. Emotional Betrayal IS something that would be a deal breaker in her eyes. These were the terms set in previous D-Days.

 

 

That is more honest. She is free to have NSA sex also with you being ok with it.

 

NSA affairs can and often do lead to emotional attachment/love feelings, as you have found out.

 

If you are ok with you W having sex with other men, its speaks volumes, a type of life style.

 

As long as there is the agreement and understanding that it is not a deal-breaker, then there is no problem for either of you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

|

[RegretfulOM]

I'm late to this thread but the above post really stood out. The total lack of empathy and understanding that the two of you feel towards your prior affair partners as well as the incomplete inability to stay faithful to your spouses to the point of having multiple affairs with people you have ended up hurting and damaging, and then you two feel superior to the people you have inflicted this pain on...well that's seriously messed up. I think the both of you have some kind of personality disorder and I'm not saying that just to be snarky...I really do think the both of you are emotionally and/or mentally ill, just undeveloped and stunted in some way.

 

 

Get divorced and then have all the cheap shallow connections you want. Start being a grown up and modelling better behaviour for your children. Do you have any daughters? Do you want to see your daughter broken and damaged some day because she hooked up with a guy like you?

 

I disagree with a lot of what you're saying, I can see people feeling badly for my wife if they assume she is devastated by my cheating. But why should anyone have sympathy for my APs? They knowingly and willingly entered into relationships with me. Also, in half the cases I wasn't even the one that pursued it.

[RegretfulOM]

RegretfulOM what was your childhood like? Did anyone in your childhood make you feel feelings of rejection either by being emotionally or physically absent?

 

I wouldn't say this, but all of my examples growing up made cheating seem perfectly kosher. It did not dawn on me that it was wrong until very late in life.

[Poppy47]

I disagree with a lot of what you're saying, I can see people feeling badly for my wife if they assume she is devastated by my cheating. But why should anyone have sympathy for my APs? They knowingly and willingly entered into relationships with me. Also, in half the cases I wasn't even the one that pursued it.

You have a free will OM and you knew you were married. It's lame to say you were pursued and you know it. No excuses. NO is a word that we all understand.

Poppy.

[elaine567]

But why should anyone have sympathy for my APs? They knowingly and willingly entered into relationships with me. Also, in half the cases I wasn't even the one that pursued it.

 

Ok, so if no-one should have any sympathy for your APs, then why should they have any sympathy for you in your current situation?

YOU entered it knowingly too.

I know you say you came here to vent but now you seem upset that you are not receiving any sympathy for your position from the posters here.

[RegretfulOM]

Ok, so if no-one should have any sympathy for your APs, then why should they have any sympathy for you in your current situation?

YOU entered it knowingly too.

I know you say you came here to vent but now you seem upset that you are not receiving any sympathy for your position from the posters here.

 

That's not what I meant at all. I don't think EITHER party deserves more sympathy than the other.

[RegretfulOM]

You have a free will OM and you knew you were married. It's lame to say you were pursued and you know it. No excuses. NO is a word that we all understand.

Poppy.

 

You are right. I actually think you are making my point. An affair happens when two people make a bad choice. Neither is more innocent than the other.

[ChickiePops]

I disagree with a lot of what you're saying, I can see people feeling badly for my wife if they assume she is devastated by my cheating. But why should anyone have sympathy for my APs? They knowingly and willingly entered into relationships with me. Also, in half the cases I wasn't even the one that pursued it.

 

There is a tone of disgust in this post that confuses me. It almost sounds like you resent your affair partners. Like you have no respect for them as human beings. Do you feel the same way about yourself too?

 

If you're so disgusted by the notion of affairs then why do you have so many of them?

[Shadowburn]

Hi RegretfulOM, sorry I am late to welcome you.

 

I don't have time right now to read through the whole thread, but I am sure you got a lot of great advise from the very wise people here.

 

The only thing I want to mention now - you realize you don't love your current AP, right? I think you just can't get over the fact that she, unlike others, doesn't really want you that much. You met your match in woman, and now your ego is hurt.

 

I think counseling could help untangle this for you.

 

Best wishes xo

[HappyAgain2014]

Two different issues here now that you've said you're a serial cheater and your wife knows. You should separate them.

 

1. You don't have any intention of being faithful to your wife. Regardless of the terms you've negotiated, this won't endure over time. She will resent you and you'll think of her as a doormat. For the sake of your kids, divorce while you're still capable of having a productive coparenting relationship. If not, they will grow up in a broken home of dysfunction. Kids know, despite what every parent in a bad marriage believes.

 

2. Keep sleeping with your MOM. She will tire of you and the emotional bond you're trying to force her into. You need to play this out to truly understand what one sided devotion means for the other party. Maybe that's what it will take for you to gain some empathy for others.

 

I don't think you've found the one. With all due respect, I think you're a narcissist who found a woman who doesn't worship you. I don't think it's really about her at all. If she returned your feelings and talked about leaving her husband, you'd run away when the time came to execute the plan to leave your spouses.

 

Get a divorce, get some counseling, and resign yourself to non-committed relationships. Your real effort should be being the best dad to your kids. You can't be that when you're investing time in conquering women.

[RegretfulOM]

Why does everyone assume that if she felt the same I would leave her. I love this woman, I wouldn't do that. I would honestly try to make it work with her.

[whichwayisup]

Your post makes the most sense to me. I can't keep doing what I am doing. I think its time to finally end my marriage. If my AP wants me that would be great. If she doesn't so be it. I just need time to sort myself out.

 

This is probably for the best. Your marriage has been over for a long time, your connection and what you feel for your wife is gone. You're just there for the kids sake and to keep your family intact under one roof.

 

That's not fair to your wife, yourself or even your kids. They see a dynamic between you and your wife that isn't affectionate nor loving as husband and wife. They base future relationships on what they learn at home, what a R should be like and what they see isn't going to help them in the long run.

 

You and your wife can be the best co parents, share custody of your children, be on good terms for their sake and put them first. They can be happier in two different households with both parents happier apart.

 

Do family counseling to help everybody, especially them, adjust.

[whichwayisup]

I don't feel like I am a sociopath. I have feelings. I think a lot of what I do is as a result of a lack of impulse control.

Is there a sense of entitlement as well? I ask this respectfully.

 

I doubt you're a sociopath, think you're just selfish and putting yourself and your needs above your wife and family's needs. Your first priority is you and what you want, everything else is secondary.

 

Have you considered some counseling, just to guide you to make a decision one way or another? You know you can't go on living life like you have been. It's taking it's toll.

[HappyAgain2014]

Why does everyone assume that if she felt the same I would leave her. I love this woman, I wouldn't do that. I would honestly try to make it work with her.

 

If that's the case, prove it. Get a divorce. That's the only way you'll know if your AP will take you seriously.

 

You won't. Cake eaters are terrified of being alone. Your AP knows it. She also knows she'd be in your wife's shoes in a couple years.

[sandylee1]

I disagree with a lot of what you're saying, I can see people feeling badly for my wife if they assume she is devastated by my cheating. But why should anyone have sympathy for my APs? They knowingly and willingly entered into relationships with me. Also, in half the cases I wasn't even the one that pursued it.

 

I don't actually have sympathy for your APs. They knew you were married from the onset and any hurt they suffer is self inflicted IMO.

 

I was feeling sorry for your wife, but as you having sex with other women isn't such a big deal to her , then I'm loosing a bit of sympathy for her too.

 

It's not rocket science to envisage falling in love and connecting emotionally to someone you sleep with. For her to think all she had to say was don't get emotionally involved and everything would be fine in your marriage is naive and not very sensible thinking.

 

I think it's amazing that the one time you get with an MW you fall for her. The wanting what's not up for grabs.

 

Can I just ask .... did you tell your wife why you had the affairs? Did you say what was missing in your marriage to her? Or isn't she up to the type or volume of sex you get outside and she accepts you need more of it?

 

I guess I'm wondering why you sleeping around was acceptable to her.

[RegretfulOM]

If that's the case, prove it. Get a divorce. That's the only way you'll know if your AP will take you seriously.

 

You won't. Cake eaters are terrified of being alone. Your AP knows it. She also knows she'd be in your wife's shoes in a couple years.

 

I am terrified, but not of being alone. I don't want to uproot the children.

[DKT3]

I am terrified, but not of being alone. I don't want to uproot the children.

 

It's better that kids are FROM a broken home then it is for them to LIVE in one.

[Lobe]

Why does everyone assume that if she felt the same I would leave her. I love this woman, I wouldn't do that. I would honestly try to make it work with her.

 

Poetic justice? Irony? Human nature?

 

I guess we will never know...

[sophinla]

I am terrified, but not of being alone. I don't want to uproot the children.

 

If your MOW has been around the block a few times, chances are she knows this about you already. She probably been head over heel with some MM before, who gave her all the lovey dovey sweet talk, and then when it came time to act, hid behind little kids and never man up.