Now I know what it feels like... [UPDATED 2017]

[HappyAgain2014]

He did want his AP, but she didn't want to leave her husband, even after he suggested a separation. My guess is that she'll be super attentive to her husband, giving him mind blowing sex, swinging from the chandeliers, so he doesn't mention separation again.

 

However ... he suggested separation for a reason. He's not happy with something in the marriage.

 

I believe the OP wanting his AP was just talk. He hadn't done anything to demonstrate any commitment to following through with their plans to end their marriages.

 

She used the trapdoor to get out of following through.

 

Reality is neither the OP or his AP had any any moves to implement their plan.

 

Wanting and doing are two different things. It's a game ... "You first, no you first."

[dreamingoftigers]

I've been finding out more and more that so many women put up men who they know don't love them.

 

Men who have no respect for them or who treat them like s**t, yet still they stay through fear of being alone, because they don't think they can do any better or because they are financially dependent on the man.

 

It's so sad TBH.

 

It's a symptom of being abused.

 

Being abused rewires the brain. Trauma causes earth-shattering fear, hurt and shame.

 

Now shame is a funny one. It makes you feel responsible for someone hurting you. So you try harder and harder for them to not hurt you. Not only that, but trauma has the effect if trying to get you to "back to normal." You'll do just about anything to get "back to normal." Same reason women who are being treated like human mops keep going back for more, the trauma in itself becomes addicting.

 

EVENTUALLY, hopefully, you come to a point where you know it wasn't you and remove yourself from the situation.

 

In my case with a serial cheat, it took YEARS of walking around in deep pain, fog and misery. Finally the cycle broke when he abandoned our family for a few months instead of a week or so. My brain started to heal and wasn't stuck in the chemical cycle. So when he pulled his same old sad song, or aggressive mind-screw, I was over it. I wasn't taking him back until he completed treatment and was actively following-up on recovery. And even then, that was only if there were NO red flags whatsoever. He was 110% done telling me it "wasn't a big deal, get over it."

 

But going through it was like withdrawal. For sure.

 

When you just want your family, you'll do just about anything to put it back together. Abuse doesn't just physically kill. It kills your spirit.

 

I found that the amount I did stay through has actually done some damage to be that I couldn't see at the time.

 

I feel some shame over not having left earlier, like I did myself an injustice. However, even now that I am not experiencing that and my husband has VERY much walked the talk etc. I often still feel as though I owe myself leaving, even though I do love him and we have a recent baby together.

 

It is VERY challenging to reconcile. But that's the legacy his abuse and my trauma have left. I try to tell myself "if he ever does x again, I WILL leave. But I thought that long before he cheated, that I would never accept that behaviour. So I feel like I can't trust myself. Which sucks a lot.

 

I think that a lot of people have their lives stolen by abusive partners. And then they get shamed on top of it with the " ya shoulda left."

 

I also think that's why some older women are so bitter. They gave years to this jerk that they were hoping and praying would finally love them, and he either dumped her for OW or never stopped messing around and just used her over and over. Then she realizes not only was it a "stupid decision." But all of those years are gone.

[dreamingoftigers]

I believe the OP wanting his AP was just talk. He hadn't done anything to demonstrate any commitment to following through with their plans to end their marriages.

 

She used the trapdoor to get out of following through.

 

Reality is neither the OP or his AP had any any moves to implement their plan.

 

Wanting and doing are two different things. It's a game ... "You first, no you first."

 

Well, neither one of them is exactly stellar at committment.

[HappyAgain2014]

Well, neither one of them is exactly stellar at committment.

 

To each other and their spouses. This demonstrates why most cheaters don't change their behaviors when they switch partners.

 

Broken people stay broken.

[dreamingoftigers]

To each other and their spouses. This demonstrates why most cheaters don't change their behaviors when they switch partners.

 

Broken people stay broken.

 

Well, unless they start taking responsibility for themselves and their actions.

 

Then going and seeking appropriate help to fix that which traumatizes those around them.

 

It does happen, bit that usually requires the party doing the traumatizing to lose something important to them in order to get that actions HAVE consequences, and consequences suck.

[ChickiePops]

Why are you hurting your wife?

[elaine567]

Of course it does, if she wants to leave. She is the mother of my children. None of this is her fault. All I can do is ignore the people on here that think they know me or what I am about. For those of you suggesting I leave to "save her", you don't know her. If I told her everything it would only hurt her very badly and she would end up staying anyway. We have already had multiple D-Days. I haven't talked to my AP in a few days. I feel so duped, but the bottom line is I of all people should have known better.

 

You won't tell your wife unless she inadvertently finds out, as you are worried that this may be the last straw for her and you cannot chance that.

Yes, she has survived multiple ddays and yes, she is the doormat that "will never leave" but in the back of your mind there is always the possibility that she could just walk and leave you all alone and you want to avoid that at all costs.

You no longer have your escape route sorted out, so you are in a pretty vulnerable place, if your wife was to go "Enough is enough, I would rather live in a cardboard box that put up with this garbage any longer."

 

Forget about "hurting her", this is all about YOU and only YOU.

[RegretfulOM]

Well, just like most of the people on here who claim to be letting go, I couldn't. I tried to reach out to her, and guess what. She has ghosted me. As in blocked me from contact on everything. I can't believe this after everything I was willing to give up for her. To those saying I don't deserve my wife, you are right. Seriously contemplating telling her what I almost did to us.

[whichwayisup]

Well, just like most of the people on here who claim to be letting go, I couldn't. I tried to reach out to her, and guess what. She has ghosted me. As in blocked me from contact on everything. I can't believe this after everything I was willing to give up for her. To those saying I don't deserve my wife, you are right. Seriously contemplating telling her what I almost did to us.

 

Lessons are being learned here. Time for reflection and fixing yourself. You got burned and the mirror is showing you something...

 

You (thought) were in love with the MW, but my guess is, it was the affair dynamic that you got addicted to, not really her per say. I mean, what is it that you loved about her? Did you really "know" her? You two only saw the good sides not the bad and daily life routine stuff.

 

Grieve the loss, do counseling and when you're ready, bring your wife to marriage counseling and confess the A and your past behavior. Let her decide if she thinks you're worthy of a chance and if the marriage is worth saving.

[loveisanaction]

Well, just like most of the people on here who claim to be letting go, I couldn't. I tried to reach out to her, and guess what. She has ghosted me. As in blocked me from contact on everything. I can't believe this after everything I was willing to give up for her. To those saying I don't deserve my wife, you are right. Seriously contemplating telling her what I almost did to us.

 

Seriously contemplating should not be in your dictionary.. YOU NEED TO TELL HER.

 

You were about to leave her but are now stalling because the woman you are in love with pulled a David Copperfield on you. Had your other woman said she yes, let's be together, you would have long since served your wife divorce papers. If my memory serves me correctly, you had made up your mind to leave your wife before you even before knew about your other woman's husband separating from her.

 

You are using your wife. Tell her the truth, how you had been having an affair with a married woman and that you fell in love with her, that you were about to divorce her until your married woman broke your heart.

 

Tell your wife the truth..Let her decide if she wants to still be with you. Don't use her as your back-up plan until your other woman woman changes her mind and wants you back or until you fall in love with your next affair partner.

 

Whether you want to admit it or not you are now using your wife.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well, just like most of the people on here who claim to be letting go, I couldn't. I tried to reach out to her, and guess what. She has ghosted me. As in blocked me from contact on everything. I can't believe this after everything I was willing to give up for her. To those saying I don't deserve my wife, you are right. Seriously contemplating telling her what I almost did to us.

 

You have to tell her. I did. It is the only way out of this mess.

[Shadowburn]

Well, just like most of the people on here who claim to be letting go, I couldn't. I tried to reach out to her, and guess what. She has ghosted me. As in blocked me from contact on everything. I can't believe this after everything I was willing to give up for her. To those saying I don't deserve my wife, you are right. Seriously contemplating telling her what I almost did to us.

 

Sorry for your pain. Regardless of whether you deserved it or not, that is just cruel. They say there are no rules in affairs, so you can pretty much expect a rug being pulled from underneath you at any time.

 

I know it is very common advise on this board to disclose everything to the BS. I respectfully disagree and say you be a grown up and take it to your grave. You know your reasons for cheating, and they have nothing to do with you wife. You search within yourself, you figure it out, you fix what's broken and get clean. I truly see no point in uploading all of this onto the innocent spouse and devastating them so you will feel less guilty.

 

I wish you peace and healing and please stay on these boards even if you get tough love.

Edited August 15, 2016 by Shadowburn

[ladydesigner]

Well, just like most of the people on here who claim to be letting go, I couldn't. I tried to reach out to her, and guess what. She has ghosted me. As in blocked me from contact on everything. I can't believe this after everything I was willing to give up for her. To those saying I don't deserve my wife, you are right. Seriously contemplating telling her what I almost did to us.

 

I feel sorry for your wife. She has already suffered multiple Ddays and now you are going to give her another one. That's just peachy!

 

Your wife will run the risk of falling out of love with you, it is what has happened to me. To many chances given and not enough enlightenment on my WH's part.

 

RegretfulOM you know what you did. Get yourself help. Give yourself time and space ALONE!

[loveisanaction]

I thought I should at least close the loop on this. It turns out she feels the same. So I am leaving my wife to be with her. I don't think this is fog, I've had too many relationships to not know the difference. I know folks say you shouldn't leave to be with someone else, but I honestly feel like this is for real. So I'm going for it. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I may regret it later. I do think wife will be hurt, but at I will at least make sure that she never has to work again with her settlement. She always did right by me, she just wasn't what I wanted.

 

Just a few short days ago, this is what he wrote. He said that his wife is just not what he wants,

 

Now that his other woman doesn't want to be with him full time...Oops!

 

If my husband was on a board saying that he is in love with another woman and that after everything i've done for him i am just not want he wants, i would very much like to know about it.

 

Geez! At least give me the option of finding somebody where i am just what they want.

[HappyAgain2014]

Of course she's ghosting you. Think about what you did to OWs when they got too clingy... You bolted. If you want to predict her next move, reflect on yours when the tables were turned. She's already looking for her next f***buddy.

 

I don't believe you'll tell your wife. Would you expect her to console you after you tell her you'd be gone if your AP hadn't dumped you?

 

Please do tell her. Then pack your stuff and leave. I'd be tossing it in the street before you had the chance to pack but maybe she'll throw you a bone.

Edited August 15, 2016 by HappyAgain2014

[awkward]

You are a wrecking ball destroying your family. Multiple D-Days?

 

You seem to think the problem is with the people posting here. The responses don't fit your situation. You really aren't the creep that everyone is calling you. You need to re-read every post you've made. You are the problem. You are THAT guy. Trust me, there are a ton of men that will love your wife and be a good step-father to your children. You need counseling STAT!

 

Instead of throwing yourself a pity party because your MOW won't leave her husband to be with you, pick up the phone and call a counselor. Also, tell your wife that you are cheating yet again. Let her decide if she still wants to be married to you or not. You telling her is not hurting her...You cheating on her is hurting her. Big, big difference.

 

Look in the mirror. Yes, that is the guy you are modeling for your children to become.

[sandylee1]

Well, just like most of the people on here who claim to be letting go, I couldn't. I tried to reach out to her, and guess what. She has ghosted me. As in blocked me from contact on everything. I can't believe this after everything I was willing to give up for her. To those saying I don't deserve my wife, you are right. Seriously contemplating telling her what I almost did to us.

 

To be fair, if she wants to stop her husband from leaving she has to block you and put all her energy back into the marriage. You need to do the same and block her every which way.

 

I'm not going to say tell your wife or don't tell her, but because you aren't satisfied with your wife or your marriage, you will go back to cheating.

 

You said this earlier on .... *I can't keep doing what I am doing. I think its time to finally end my marriage. If my AP wants me that would be great. If she doesn't so be it. I just need time to sort myself out.*

 

You said you don't feel like a priority to your wife ..... have you ever spoken to her about this?

 

Do you prioritise your wife? Do you make her feel special?

 

You either need to do the work to improve your marriage and stop being a serial cheat or leave your wife.

 

Don't get to the point where you look in the mirror and hate what you see. That's a truly terrible place to be at.

[RegretfulOM]

 

Don't get to the point where you look in the mirror and hate what you see. That's a truly terrible place to be at.

 

I am already there. I literally tear up whenever she is nice to me now. She doesn't deserve this at all. I have a problem, I know it now. I'm addicted to having affairs. The first thing I did when I realized I got ghosted was to check my "affair" email account, to look for another hook up. Yes I know this will sound trollish, but it is true, I am so sick. I had an email in there from an old AP saying she wanted me to do a threesome with her and her new boyfriend. It was an old email, I replied and she responded immediately. I was so depressed I said yes to it. I guess I was just like screw it. It was the most degrading experience of my life, even though he just watched. I've got no one to talk to or turn to. I am feeling heart broken and ashamed right now. Yes, I know its not all about me, that I am hurting other people. But right now I feel broken. If this isn't rock bottom I don't know what is. I hope all you folks that wanted to see a MM break down are happy, because that is where I am at. I'm literally losing it right now. I don't even know what to do, I can't even reinvest in my wife because I feel unworthy. I've never been more scared.

[ladydesigner]

I am already there. I literally tear up whenever she is nice to me now. She doesn't deserve this at all. I have a problem, I know it now. I'm addicted to having affairs. The first thing I did when I realized I got ghosted was to check my "affair" email account, to look for another hook up. Yes I know this will sound trollish, but it is true, I am so sick. I had an email in there from an old AP saying she wanted me to do a threesome with her and her new boyfriend. It was an old email, I replied and she responded immediately. I was so depressed I said yes to it. I guess I was just like screw it. It was the most degrading experience of my life, even though he just watched. I've got no one to talk to or turn to. I am feeling heart broken and ashamed right now. Yes, I know its not all about me, that I am hurting other people. But right now I feel broken. If this isn't rock bottom I don't know what is. I hope all you folks that wanted to see a MM break down are happy, because that is where I am at. I'm literally losing it right now. I don't even know what to do, I can't even reinvest in my wife because I feel unworthy. I've never been more scared.

 

RegretfulOM you sound an awful lot like a sex addict. I think you need intensive counseling and eventually will need to disclose this to your wife. Please get help.

[Ruffian1]

I can't believe this after everything I was willing to give up for her.

 

Seriously?

 

You said you were not "happy" with the wife, you wanted out anyway, blah blah

 

Tell me exactly what you mean by "everything"?

 

You weren't giving up anything . . . . . remember???

 

You thought you were getting something better.

 

I bet you bad mouthed your W to your MOW.

 

Now you just cheated on your W with yet another old AP.

 

Grow the F up already.

All you do is think about yourself.

 

Go get an STD check done.

[RegretfulOM]

Your "advice" isn't helpful at all, and no I never bad mouthed my wife to my APs.

[ChickiePops]

I am already there. I literally tear up whenever she is nice to me now. She doesn't deserve this at all. I have a problem, I know it now. I'm addicted to having affairs. The first thing I did when I realized I got ghosted was to check my "affair" email account, to look for another hook up. Yes I know this will sound trollish, but it is true, I am so sick. I had an email in there from an old AP saying she wanted me to do a threesome with her and her new boyfriend. It was an old email, I replied and she responded immediately. I was so depressed I said yes to it. I guess I was just like screw it. It was the most degrading experience of my life, even though he just watched. I've got no one to talk to or turn to. I am feeling heart broken and ashamed right now. Yes, I know its not all about me, that I am hurting other people. But right now I feel broken. If this isn't rock bottom I don't know what is. I hope all you folks that wanted to see a MM break down are happy, because that is where I am at. I'm literally losing it right now. I don't even know what to do, I can't even reinvest in my wife because I feel unworthy. I've never been more scared.

 

Ok so what are you doing about it?

[Ruffian1]

Your "advice" isn't helpful at all, and no I never bad mouthed my wife to my APs.

 

 

 

You have been given a lot of good advice from the very beginning of this post.

 

You are going to do what you feel anyway.

 

 

What is it that you want?

 

Pity? Advice how to get MOW back?

What, what is it you want?

 

What question are you posing here? OM

[whichwayisup]

I am already there. I literally tear up whenever she is nice to me now. She doesn't deserve this at all. I have a problem, I know it now. I'm addicted to having affairs. The first thing I did when I realized I got ghosted was to check my "affair" email account, to look for another hook up. Yes I know this will sound trollish, but it is true, I am so sick. I had an email in there from an old AP saying she wanted me to do a threesome with her and her new boyfriend. It was an old email, I replied and she responded immediately. I was so depressed I said yes to it. I guess I was just like screw it. It was the most degrading experience of my life, even though he just watched. I've got no one to talk to or turn to. I am feeling heart broken and ashamed right now. Yes, I know its not all about me, that I am hurting other people. But right now I feel broken. If this isn't rock bottom I don't know what is. I hope all you folks that wanted to see a MM break down are happy, because that is where I am at. I'm literally losing it right now. I don't even know what to do, I can't even reinvest in my wife because I feel unworthy. I've never been more scared.

 

Ignore those who are pooping on you when you're at your worst. Focus on the more helpful advice.

 

I can't remember if you said you'd be willing to do counseling? It can really help you understand why you've making the choices you've made and you can learn to "unlearn" this behavior and cheating/having affairs. Fixing yourself is the best gift you can give yourself right now.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am already there. I literally tear up whenever she is nice to me now. She doesn't deserve this at all. I have a problem, I know it now. I'm addicted to having affairs. The first thing I did when I realized I got ghosted was to check my "affair" email account, to look for another hook up. Yes I know this will sound trollish, but it is true, I am so sick. I had an email in there from an old AP saying she wanted me to do a threesome with her and her new boyfriend. It was an old email, I replied and she responded immediately. I was so depressed I said yes to it. I guess I was just like screw it. It was the most degrading experience of my life, even though he just watched. I've got no one to talk to or turn to. I am feeling heart broken and ashamed right now. Yes, I know its not all about me, that I am hurting other people. But right now I feel broken. If this isn't rock bottom I don't know what is. I hope all you folks that wanted to see a MM break down are happy, because that is where I am at. I'm literally losing it right now. I don't even know what to do, I can't even reinvest in my wife because I feel unworthy. I've never been more scared.

 

People here like myself, we come off as harsh because (1) we have been through it and know what is coming before you do and (2) we read so many threads where its the same old story with the same old conclusion.

 

When I was first here, people went crazy on me. I also have a history of affairs in my life. You are not alone here and I'm sorry you are hurting. I know what it is like. I do not feel happy to see a woman do this to a man. You are hitting rock bottom. The good part is that you have only upwards to grow.

 

We have all been there. You are not alone.