Now I know what it feels like... [UPDATED 2017]

[sandylee1]

So after multiple ddays you continue cheating!

 

It's obvious you aren't satisfied with your marriage and/or you don't care much for your wife. Unless the affairs didn't bother her or hurt her so much..... or enough for you to give a damn anyway.

 

Why would you see her devastated and continue to do it over and over again? It seems you've just become better at hiding it. You're a very bad advert for reconciling with a cheater I have to say.

 

Life isn't black and white, but we all know what's right and what's wrong. We all know that we wouldn't want to be cheated on like you're doing. Allow your wife to have the full knowledge and make her decision on that basis.

 

There are good men out there and she should be given the chance to try and find one. Maybe she's fed up with your life and the passion isn't there for her, especially as your mind is elsewhere. A new man could light her fire and give her love and satisfaction without thoughts of past infidelity at the back of her mind.

 

Taking a cheater back is a gut wrenching decision.... she took you back yet you continue to s**t on her. Do the right thing and let her go. If you have any kind of love tell her you've never stopped cheating and now you've fallen for someone. You don't have to tell her the OW ISN'T available full time.

[Poppy47]

No, you do not and did not really love her. What you have been doing to your wife is not love.

 

You are a liar. And your life is a lie.

 

You are selfish and self-centered. You're so selfish and self-centred that you cannot even see that the sexual affair you are having with MOW is not about you.

 

I agree with Hearts,

 

Your life has been a lie for a long time and it has all been about what you wanted OM. You seem to think that it's ok if you make if up to your wife in other ways... you never can.

 

Poppy

[Ruffian1]

I feel like I am her fourth priority, behind her friends and the kids. I think sex is just a duty for her.

 

And your wife has always been your priority I bet, when you were in between OW. Does your AP have friends she hangs with, kids to take care of? Does OW make you a priority?

Does she consider her husband her friend?

Yeah, hooking up without sharing life’s responsibilities and day-to-day pressures makes for good sex . . . .

Because that is what it is all about. SEX. You anticipate it, you fantasize about it.

You see only the good parts of each other and then, off you both go to your respective homes.

You may have married young, but you never grew up. Not into a real man.

You are always hunting for the next best thing out there. Well, you found it, now go try to capture it. I hope you get her.

 

I feel sorry for you BS and Kids. Tell her you don’t love her and never will.

 

You won't do that though, because it is easier to eat cake.]

[DKT3]

First, must comment that the tone is so different when it's a mm posting...that's all about that.

 

This reminds me of the Eddie Murphy movie boomerang. Your attraction is mostly based on her not being that into you and basically turning you into her boy toy. I betting her husband is alpha but doesn't pay attention to her.

[RegretfulOM]

First, must comment that the tone is so different when it's a mm posting...that's all about that.

 

This reminds me of the Eddie Murphy movie boomerang. Your attraction is mostly based on her not being that into you and basically turning you into her boy toy. I betting her husband is alpha but doesn't pay attention to her.

 

She did say that he pretty much ignores her. I saw that movie and I can't believe its gotten to this point.

[pooldog]

What do you want? And what do you want from us? We don't have the magic answer you are seeking because there is not one you see.

 

There is nothing anyone can do to make another person love them. Your feelings for this MOW have no bearing on the way she feels for you. Most OW don't get that and that is why they are here. They want to believe a man loves them because they love the MM like crazy and they confuse passion and off the chart sex and special talks with commitment and love and they confuse words with actions. And there is no shame, it is easy to do.

 

What do you want from your life? Begin with the end in mind.

 

Do you want to keep having affairs and fun and just don't sweat it. Keep sleeping with this one hoping for something different?

 

Do you want a better marriage and a better future with your children?

 

Do you want to say hey I am not happy and don't want to put my wife through any more affairs but I will be a good dad, divorce, and try to meet someone else?

 

I don't think mutual love with this one is in the cards. I wonder if she is married to a Rockefeller type and you have little money and a slew of kids - do you think you can compete with her H?

 

I would almost want to tell you to go online to the online dating sites and look at women your age. Women who would realistically fall in love with you and be with you should your marriage not work out. I bet you would pick your wife after reading all of the profiles. The "grass is greener on the other side" is a world in your head. Your pecker will betray you so. I would almost urge IC to just check in and see why did I feel I have to sow my oats when I am now the head of a family. Why? Did you suffer a betrayal? Is there something wrong? Can it be fixed and if so do you want to fix it?

 

So pick what you want, based on what you can get. No right or wrong. Pick one and do it.

Edited July 2, 2016 by pooldog

[Poppy47]

OM just another question please?

 

xMM always professed to empathise with my feelings. However, he did not appear to empathise with his wife's position. In fact, he said quite coldly once, that he felt no guilt whatsoever and if she were to die, he would be with me a blink.

 

Do you feel you have the ability to empathise or is it lacking in your emotional makeup? Just curious,

 

Poppy.

[RegretfulOM]

What do you want? And what do you want from us? We don't have the magic answer you are seeking because there is not one you see.

 

There is nothing anyone can do to make another person love them. Your feelings for this MOW have no bearing on the way she feels for you. Most OW don't get that and that is why they are here. They want to believe a man loves them because they love the MM like crazy and they confuse passion and off the chart sex and special talks with commitment and love and they confuse words with actions. And there is no shame, it is easy to do.

 

What do you want from your life? Begin with the end in mind.

 

Do you want to keep having affairs and fun and just don't sweat it. Keep sleeping with this one hoping for something different?

 

Do you want a better marriage and a better future with your children?

 

Do you want to say hey I am not happy and don't want to put my wife through any more affairs but I will be a good dad, divorce, and try to meet someone else?

 

I don't think mutual love with this one is in the cards. I wonder if she is married to a Rockefeller type and you have little money and a slew of kids - do you think you can compete with her H?

 

I would almost want to tell you to go online to the online dating sites and look at women your age. Women who would realistically fall in love with you and be with you should your marriage not work out. I bet you would pick your wife after reading all of the profiles. The "grass is greener on the other side" is a world in your head. Your pecker will betray you so. I would almost urge IC to just check in and see why did I feel I have to sow my oats when I am now the head of a family. Why? Did you suffer a betrayal? Is there something wrong? Can it be fixed and if so do you want to fix it?

 

So pick what you want, based on what you can get. No right or wrong. Pick one and do it.

 

Your post makes the most sense to me. I can't keep doing what I am doing. I think its time to finally end my marriage. If my AP wants me that would be great. If she doesn't so be it. I just need time to sort myself out.

[pooldog]

Before you decide. Answer me one question. Did you ever ask your wife for what you want sexually?

 

With children, a woman's attention gets diverted. It is 99x more exhausting to raise kids and run a house.

 

I am wondering what would happen if you just tried one weekend and then asked her. Maybe it is too far gone. I am not you. Just trying to really help.

 

I don't think most women realize how important sex is for a man. It is like how you don't realize that roses and I love you are important. AND while we are on that subject, the way to turn a woman on, besides new love/raw chemistry, is to compliment her. Help her. They say a woman's porn is a man who vacuums.

 

It is easy to screw. It is an art to make love with the same woman your whole life.

 

So, I am not judging, I am trying to help you.

 

How will you feel if you divorce, find a woman who has hot chemistry, and then end up back in the same saddle while you watch your kids struggle?

[RegretfulOM]

OM just another question please?

 

xMM always professed to empathise with my feelings. However, he did not appear to empathise with his wife's position. In fact, he said quite coldly once, that he felt no guilt whatsoever and if she were to die, he would be with me a blink.

 

Do you feel you have the ability to empathise or is it lacking in your emotional makeup? Just curious,

 

Poppy.

 

I don't think my answer would mean much because I am nothing like your OM. Yes, I can empathize. I also would never say anything like that about my wife. If anything happened to her I would be completely devastated. In a weird way your post has made me think about what's so great about my AP when compared to my wife? Losing my wife...I can't imagine...what am I doing.

[RegretfulOM]

Before you decide. Answer me one question. Did you ever ask your wife for what you want sexually?

 

With children, a woman's attention gets diverted. It is 99x more exhausting to raise kids and run a house.

 

I am wondering what would happen if you just tried one weekend and then asked her. Maybe it is too far gone. I am not you. Just trying to really help.

 

I don't think most women realize how important sex is for a man. It is like how you don't realize that roses and I love you are important. AND while we are on that subject, the way to turn a woman on, besides new love/raw chemistry, is to compliment her. Help her. They say a woman's porn is a man who vacuums.

 

It is easy to screw. It is an art to make love with the same woman your whole life.

 

So, I am not judging, I am trying to help you.

 

How will you feel if you divorce, find a woman who has hot chemistry, and then end up back in the same saddle while you watch your kids struggle?

 

I have tried talking about it, things get better for a little while but always revert back. I don't want my kids to struggle. Thats a separate issue. I guess I thought they would be okay if I supported them and lived close enough to split custody.

[DKT3]

I don't think my answer would mean much because I am nothing like your OM. Yes, I can empathize. I also would never say anything like that about my wife. If anything happened to her I would be completely devastated. In a weird way your post has made me think about what's so great about my AP when compared to my wife? Losing my wife...I can't imagine...what am I doing.

 

I have a theory that people who have affairs feel they are in full control of the direction the marriage goes. In that mindset they may believe they can just come and go emotionally and the spouse will just simply be there. That may answer your question, simply put, your taking your wife for granted.. sad because your going to lose her, and I sense you will be crushed when it happens.

[pooldog]

Whenever a man complains about his wife not wanting sex, my observation is that he is either never home enough or not romantic to turn a woman on. But it is just one from my tiny bubble and dating online in midlife. I do realize from reading the boards here and from my xMM that some women are not sexual and their libidos do not ever match their husbands and that causes a lot of problems. I was on a date tonight and the man said he was trapped in a marriage without sex for 20 years. Then he proceeded to tell me about how many hours he works and how much he travels and how he wants to buy a motorcycle and ride it to the bottom of South America. He is the type of man who is not romantic, he is more solo unless of course he finds a woman who wants to ride a motorcycle through the third world countries from the US to such a place. And he is totally not you. I am only stating a tiny observation.

 

BUT your feelings that you are not satisfied sexually are like a bad cough. They won't be contained and they are very real. So I think that is your biggest problem that you have to address. But whatever happens I wish you the best and maybe you can come back and keep us posted. It sounds like you will be committed to your kids and honest about how you feel so that is good.

[bummer]

I have tried talking about it, things get better for a little while but always revert back. I don't want my kids to struggle. Thats a separate issue. I guess I thought they would be okay if I supported them and lived close enough to split custody.

 

I can't help myself, with all due respect:

 

Listen. IT'S NOT A SEPARATE ISSUE. AT ALL. You leave, kids will not be okay. In fact, I bet they know already. I knew my dad's bull**** when I was 8. Your kids understand English and hear EVERYTHING. If you just spent half your horny time being a father to your children instead of being a dickhead... gaaaaaahhhhh!

 

Your moniker is false. You have no regret. Regret connotates understanding. I fear you have none. Good luck.

[DKT3]

Whenever a man complains about his wife not wanting sex, my observation is that he is either never home enough or not romantic to turn a woman on. But it is just one from my tiny bubble and dating online in midlife. I do realize from reading the boards here and from my xMM that some women are not sexual and their libidos do not ever match their husbands and that causes a lot of problems. I was on a date tonight and the man said he was trapped in a marriage without sex for 20 years. Then he proceeded to tell me about how many hours he works and how much he travels and how he wants to buy a motorcycle and ride it to the bottom of South America. He is the type of man who is not romantic, he is more solo unless of course he finds a woman who wants to ride a motorcycle through the third world countries from the US to such a place. And he is totally not you. I am only stating a tiny observation.

 

BUT your feelings that you are not satisfied sexually are like a bad cough. They won't be contained and they are very real. So I think that is your biggest problem that you have to address. But whatever happens I wish you the best and maybe you can come back and keep us posted. It sounds like you will be committed to your kids and honest about how you feel so that is good.

 

My dad once told me man are in control of their sex life, if you don't get any its because you don't get it.

 

I was like 17 and didn't really understand it.

 

For me women are simple, relieve some of their burden, show them through actions that you love and think of them, and realize that pulling down her panties doesn't turn her on. Sex for women begin long before you go to the bedroom.

 

The missing element in too many marriages is the very thing that is appealing in affairs, playful flirting, consistent contact throughout the day and simply making her feel sexy and desired, and not just someone that wipes noses and washes dirty socks.

[Poppy47]

I don't think my answer would mean much because I am nothing like your OM. Yes, I can empathize. I also would never say anything like that about my wife. If anything happened to her I would be completely devastated. In a weird way your post has made me think about what's so great about my AP when compared to my wife? Losing my wife...I can't imagine...what am I doing.

 

Thank you OM. It tells me that my suspicions about xMM were probably correct.

 

You on the other hand, have suddenly started to question your past. If being on LS can do that for you then nothing is wasted.

 

Poppy.

[Rea]

I certainly don't expect sympathy on here. I have been a serial cheater for years. Exclusively with single women (until now), and usually flings that lasted 4 to 8 months. I was always upfront with my APs about the fact I was married. They always said they were okay with NSA, so I figured it was all good. Well....over the years I learned this wasn't always the case. I got into multiple situations where I either had to end it because they became too attached, or...they ended it, in disgust because thy realized I was happy with things as they were, and had no desire to be in a real relationship. I freely admit that it was always a sex thing for me. I was never emotionally attached. I didn't future fake, but I did spoil them a lot, which in retrospect probably made some of them fall for me. So why I am I here?

 

I have fallen completely head over heels in love with the only AP I have ever had that is also married. In all honesty I'm not sure how it happened. All I know is that it began when I started breaking my rules for her. I always had a thing against seeing married women, but we clicked so well that I let it go. We were in bed together within three days of meeting. The attraction was that strong. As we have gotten to know one another she confessed that she is also a serial cheater. I thought it was a good thing we had that in common. I figured she wouldn't catch feelings, I never thought I would fall for her. Now that I have I realize she has me compartmentalized. This hurts because I've never felt an emotional connection with anyone the way I do with her. The sex is also amazing. I honestly want to be with her and only her. I am willing to do whatever it takes, including getting a divorce.

 

I told her how I felt and its obvious this is just another fling for her. She kind of laughed and told me not to get all serious on her. This hurts because even though I can keep seeing her, I know she doesn't feel what I feel. So I feel like I am in limbo. If I don't see her at all I'd be devastated, if I do see her its a reminder of what I can never completely have. I guess this is payback for my past. I know this is going to end badly for me. But I feel like all I can do is hold on, because letting go would be more painful I guess??? Sorry...just needed a place to vent, and this is the only forum like this I have seen.

 

RegretfulOM, I think the kindest thing you can do right now is spend your time researching the stages of affairs. There is a wealth of information out there to help you develop your understanding of what you are going through right now. It is very likely transient, especially as your AP doesn't feel the same.

 

She is already sleeping with you and as a female I think it's highly likely her feeling will now change. Lovemaking involves emotion. Sex is fulfilling her physical needs and desires. She is not 'making love' with you. If she isn't at this stage, I would say it's highly improbable she ever will.

 

You have experienced reconciliation, yet you still find yourself in this situation.

Your poor wife. When pushed, you seem protective of her. I think DKT is correct in that you may well find yourself crushed from losing her should not get your act together swiftly. If you have any respect for her and your children, then you owe it to them to take an honest, in depth look at why you repeatedly behave this way.

 

Pooldog has given you lots of food for thought, use it for some introspection.

 

I wish you well.

[Chica80]

Regretful

 

I'm not going to bash you over the head or tell you how awful you are what you are doing to your wife....blah blah blah

 

YOU already know all those things....You feel guilty you feel awful but it doesn't stop your behavior. You said you had a couple DDay's? That didn't stop you. So the problem is not your wife it's not your AP whether you love her or not is it a fantasy or not. The problem is YOU.

 

These are my suspicions and you can take them or leave them agree or not: you sound like a sex addict. You come to this forum so everyone can tell you how awful you are. Because I suspect it might actually fuel your cycle in a way. Oh I'm such an awful selfish person. Oh everyone tells me I'm awful and selfish....well I can't change so I'm going to keep doing what I do.

 

 

The reason I think you are so "in love" with your AP is because you finally found someone like you. You see yourself reflected in someone else. You love her. If you can get her to love you back pick you choose you Then you will be loved and ultimately heal whatever is causing all of this madness in the first place.

 

You've tried IC you said. Did you try talking with a sex therapist? Look into EMDR.... Join a SAA group.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[elaine567]

"Oh I'm such an awful selfish person. Oh everyone tells me I'm awful and selfish....well I can't change so I'm going to keep doing what I do."

The problem is YOU

 

Something to consider. - http://www.lovefraud.com/beware-the-sociopath/how-to-spot-a-con/the-pity-play/

 

According to Martha Stout, Ph.D., author of The Sociopath Next Door*, the best clue that you are dealing with a sociopath is the pity play.

“The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness,” Stout says. “It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.”

The combination of consistently bad or inadequate behavior and frequent pity plays, Stout continues, is the closest thing to a warning you’ll ever get that you are being manipulated by a sociopath.

"A sociopath has no conscience, no emotional attachment to others, and no ability to love. For a sociopath, Stout says, “life is reduced to a contest, and other human beings seem to be nothing more than game pieces, to be moved about, used as shields or ejected"

 

The OWs, the wife, the kids, the AP, appear to be all just pieces in your board game. You want the AP as she is essentially unobtainable, but if she left her husband tomorrow for you, I guess you would lose interest pretty quick. She would become like all the rest of them - expendable.

If you succeed in taking her away from her husband, you will experience a transient rush of victory, but I guess it will be just - transient.

 

You are so close to losing everything here, go get help.

[Cherryz]

............ The player got played.......question mark. whahahyahooohwhaha.

 

Ok ,ok sorry. Im not laughing about you but how we dont have to take revenge. It all play out by itself.

 

If you sleep around this much, i think you have a much bigger issue

deep down inside you that you need to get therapy for and work on it.

I think it may be some childhood-past issues that you try to run from by sleeping around instead of dealing with them.

 

I think your worry should be about your wife. She ddnt sign up for this.

How humiliated would she be walking on the street and all this AP looking at

her and laughing her out. And she knows nothing about why.

What about the std´s you may have.....

 

You need to tell your partner what you been doing and start cleaning your soul and your house.

 

You should realize that women can never have sex if they have 0 feelings.

Maybe not inlove, but you must got something that they like before they can get moist and open to sleep with you.

I dont know about men. But i guess they need something too to open up.

So you cant say all of those girls agree and had no feelings for you.

Beside sex is what make people cleave and fall faster then they should.

 

This women is married so are you. Marriage is something between 2 people.

And should kept that way for many reason. Your concern should be your wife. And you stop running from your inner issues and confront them too and deal with them and work on it.

Break with this OW and start going to a therapist and do some soul searching yourself and read some self help book. Work as a team with your wife for a better relationship.

 

You feeling inlove with OW, is not special. Those feelings soon will be over and there you will be having another affair.

Come clean and work on yourself and your marriage, your only obligation is there!

[RegretfulOM]

Something to consider. - http://www.lovefraud.com/beware-the-sociopath/how-to-spot-a-con/the-pity-play/

 

"A sociopath has no conscience, no emotional attachment to others, and no ability to love. For a sociopath, Stout says, “life is reduced to a contest, and other human beings seem to be nothing more than game pieces, to be moved about, used as shields or ejected"

 

The OWs, the wife, the kids, the AP, appear to be all just pieces in your board game. You want the AP as she is essentially unobtainable, but if she left her husband tomorrow for you, I guess you would lose interest pretty quick. She would become like all the rest of them - expendable.

If you succeed in taking her away from her husband, you will experience a transient rush of victory, but I guess it will be just - transient.

 

You are so close to losing everything here, go get help.

 

I don't feel like I am a sociopath. I have feelings. I think a lot of what I do is as a result of a lack of impulse control.

[RegretfulOM]

............ The player got played.......question mark. whahahyahooohwhaha.

 

Ok ,ok sorry. Im not laughing about you but how we dont have to take revenge. It all play out by itself.

 

If you sleep around this much, i think you have a much bigger issue

deep down inside you that you need to get therapy for and work on it.

I think it may be some childhood-past issues that you try to run from by sleeping around instead of dealing with them.

 

I think your worry should be about your wife. She ddnt sign up for this.

How humiliated would she be walking on the street and all this AP looking at

her and laughing her out. And she knows nothing about why.

What about the std´s you may have.....

 

You need to tell your partner what you been doing and start cleaning your soul and your house.

 

You should realize that women can never have sex if they have 0 feelings.

Maybe not inlove, but you must got something that they like before they can get moist and open to sleep with you.

I dont know about men. But i guess they need something too to open up.

So you cant say all of those girls agree and had no feelings for you.

Beside sex is what make people cleave and fall faster then they should.

 

This women is married so are you. Marriage is something between 2 people.

And should kept that way for many reason. Your concern should be your wife. And you stop running from your inner issues and confront them too and deal with them and work on it.

Break with this OW and start going to a therapist and do some soul searching yourself and read some self help book. Work as a team with your wife for a better relationship.

 

You feeling inlove with OW, is not special. Those feelings soon will be over and there you will be having another affair.

Come clean and work on yourself and your marriage, your only obligation is there!

 

Like most of the replies on here yours is spot on. I am going to break things off with her, I am realizing I don't like how much control she has over me. I know my emotions are all over the place, but at the moment this is how I feel. Its scary. If she were to reach out and tell me to move out right now I would. That's insane. Also, I am starting to feel bad for her husband, he has no clue. I guess I will just do it by text or email, because if I see her in person I won't be able to resist her. That's only a start though. I should also go back to IC. I honestly get the feeling that my last IC was also a player or at least was living vicariously through my stories. It was not helpful at all.

[elaine567]

I don't feel like I am a sociopath. I have feelings. I think a lot of what I do is as a result of a lack of impulse control.

Lack of impulse control can be a feature of sociopathy too

[elaine567]

I should also go back to IC.

 

I agree.

 

Too many people are being hurt by your actions here. Time to take stock.

[Rea]

Like most of the replies on here yours is spot on. I am going to break things off with her, I am realizing I don't like how much control she has over me. I know my emotions are all over the place, but at the moment this is how I feel. Its scary. If she were to reach out and tell me to move out right now I would. That's insane. Also, I am starting to feel bad for her husband, he has no clue. I guess I will just do it by text or email, because if I see her in person I won't be able to resist her. That's only a start though. I should also go back to IC. I honestly get the feeling that my last IC was also a player or at least was living vicariously through my stories. It was not helpful at all.

 

This is because of the phase of the affair you are in. You are truly besotted with her. You see no flaws, just this wonderful goddess who is your absolute perfect match. This is why you would walk out on your family for her.

 

This phase will not last. She knows this is going no farther, she told you. At least be grateful for that, she isn't fake futuring you.

 

I recognise my xMM in you. He was in exactly the turmoil you are in right now. He was obsessed with me during that early phase. He wanted us be together. He would divorce. We would start a new life together, everything would be rosy. Only I wasn't wearing the same spectacles as him. Don't get me wrong, I wanted him just as much, I was unattached. But I could not take advantage of him, because I knew he was not looking objectively at all he could lose and the devastation it would cause.

 

He later actually thanked me for being 'selfless' at that stage of our A. I'm not sure that's how I'd term it, I'm certainly sure his W wouldn't.

 

You already know what you have to do, otherwise you'd have thrown in the towel on your marriage and been pleading for OW to be with you. Instead you are here, in torment.

 

Think about what's kept you with your wife. You obviously don't find it difficult to attract women, so why stay with your W and put her through this?

 

Get yourself into IC with a C that you are comfortable with and slog it out. You owe it to your W, you owe it to your kids, you owe it to all future potential partners, but most of all you owe it to yourself.