Now I know what it feels like... [UPDATED 2017]

[HappyAgain2014]

I'm not that kind of guy. Yes, I was all over the place, but who wouldn't be under the circumstances. I ain't looking back, and not posting in this thread anymore. I just felt like I should at least let people know how things ended up.

 

Nothing's happened yet. I hope you do update us but most people in this forum know the words of a MM seldom materialize into action.

[CarrieT]

I'm not that kind of guy. Yes, I was all over the place, but who wouldn't be under the circumstances. I ain't looking back, and not posting in this thread anymore. I just felt like I should at least let people know how things ended up.

 

Please come back when you have told your wife and let us know when you are firmly established with the OW. We who have been here a while and stick around do enjoy follow-up posts - even several years later...

[whichwayisup]

I thought I should at least close the loop on this. It turns out she feels the same. So I am leaving my wife to be with her. I don't think this is fog, I've had too many relationships to not know the difference. I know folks say you shouldn't leave to be with someone else, but I honestly feel like this is for real. So I'm going for it. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I may regret it later. I do think wife will be hurt, but at I will at least make sure that she never has to work again with her settlement. She always did right by me, she just wasn't what I wanted.

 

I am glad you're leaving (hopefully filing for divorce too) so your wife can find someone who will love her and adore her.

 

Of course your wife is going to hurt but you aren't "in love" her (anymore) and your attention has been elsewhere for many years. She deserves better so you are doing the kind thing (she'll realize this in time) by leaving.

 

Your plan to be with the MW (NOT OW, she's not single, she's married therefore she's MW) is going to blow up and not work out. She's told you she isn't in love with you and you were/are just an affair. Hope you're prepared for her to balk and walk away from you when you're single. It'll threaten her marriage.

 

Good luck and I hope you do come back and do another update.

[ShatteredLady]

Please read-up on the best of ways to deal with leaving your family. There are kind, gentler more empathic ways of doing this for everyone. I think you might need a little help here.

 

Please don't move straight in with MOW (if she does divorce) & invite the kids round to meet step-mummy!! Try to be sensitive & have some respect for your wife & children. They are completely innocent in this. At least take it like a man. You're shattering their entire lives. Make your ego take the hit.

 

Don't blame her!!!

 

The ONLY thing that she did wrong was marrying & forgiving an adulterer.

[dreamingoftigers]

Nothing's happened yet. I hope you do update us but most people in this forum know the words of a MM seldom materialize into action.

 

No kidding.

 

The words "until consequences" came to mind.

[wmacbride]

You make really good points. I have become just like my previous APs. I know this is definitely Karma, but at this point I am in to deep too pull away. I will admit that I did look her husband up. Pathetic I know. He isn't better looking than me, and I make significantly more than him. She has kept me around longer than others according to her. I am also the first older AP she has had. She tends to like them young. But none of this means anything you are right its just a stupid fantasy.

 

Of course she is keeping you around. After all, she's been able to turn around self confirmed wham, bam thank you man kind of guy and re-create him as a betsotted puppy dog who'd ;eave his wife and kids for her.

 

massive ego stroke there.

[RegretfulOM]

Well, looks like things are not going to go as planned. I was doing everything on my end to move forward, and so was she. She was even helping me find a place to stay. Until something I never saw coming happened. Her husband out of the blue tells her he wants to separate. She honestly didn't expect it. Here I am thinking this is a good thing. It makes it that much easier for her. But almost as soon as she finds out she says that she still wants to see me, but that she doesn't want to commit to anything anymore.

 

I kept on a brave face while she was telling me this, but I don't think I have ever felt so hurt. Its so obvious to me now that for her this was about having fun, not love. I even shed tears over it, but not in front of her. I didn't write this for sympathy. I wrote it because I said would provide an update. At this point I have no choice but to break things off. I'd rather rip the band-aid off than be strung along. I seriously feel like I have lost ten pounds in two days. Letting go at this point is the only way to move on.

[ChickiePops]

You're still going to tell your wife though right?

[cocorico]

Well, looks like things are not going to go as planned. I was doing everything on my end to move forward, and so was she. She was even helping me find a place to stay. Until something I never saw coming happened. Her husband out of the blue tells her he wants to separate. She honestly didn't expect it. Here I am thinking this is a good thing. It makes it that much easier for her. But almost as soon as she finds out she says that she still wants to see me, but that she doesn't want to commit to anything anymore.

 

I kept on a brave face while she was telling me this, but I don't think I have ever felt so hurt. Its so obvious to me now that for her this was about having fun, not love. I even shed tears over it, but not in front of her. I didn't write this for sympathy. I wrote it because I said would provide an update. At this point I have no choice but to break things off. I'd rather rip the band-aid off than be strung along. I seriously feel like I have lost ten pounds in two days. Letting go at this point is the only way to move on.

 

You are still leaving your wife, right?

 

It's not fair to anyone for you to keep her on as Plan B.

 

Really, you need to be alone. Grieve the loss of he love you had with MW, grieve the loss of your M. Once you have recovered, you can set about thinking about the future, but right now, you're simply not relationship material.

 

You said you'd rather rip the band aid off than be strung along. Please extend that courtesy to your wife too. It will be better for all of you.

[loveisanaction]

Well, looks like things are not going to go as planned. I was doing everything on my end to move forward, and so was she. She was even helping me find a place to stay. Until something I never saw coming happened. Her husband out of the blue tells her he wants to separate. She honestly didn't expect it. Here I am thinking this is a good thing. It makes it that much easier for her. But almost as soon as she finds out she says that she still wants to see me, but that she doesn't want to commit to anything anymore.

 

I kept on a brave face while she was telling me this, but I don't think I have ever felt so hurt. Its so obvious to me now that for her this was about having fun, not love. I even shed tears over it, but not in front of her. I didn't write this for sympathy. I wrote it because I said would provide an update. At this point I have no choice but to break things off. I'd rather rip the band-aid off than be strung along. I seriously feel like I have lost ten pounds in two days. Letting go at this point is the only way to move on.

 

Whatever you do, do not stay with your wife, you will only be staying with her because your other woman doesn't want to commit to you.

 

Give your wife the respect and honor she deserves by letting her go so that she can find love with a man who will put her first. She may not understand it now but she will thank you for it later.

[whichwayisup]

Well, looks like things are not going to go as planned. I was doing everything on my end to move forward, and so was she. She was even helping me find a place to stay. Until something I never saw coming happened. Her husband out of the blue tells her he wants to separate. She honestly didn't expect it. Here I am thinking this is a good thing. It makes it that much easier for her. But almost as soon as she finds out she says that she still wants to see me, but that she doesn't want to commit to anything anymore.

 

I kept on a brave face while she was telling me this, but I don't think I have ever felt so hurt. Its so obvious to me now that for her this was about having fun, not love. I even shed tears over it, but not in front of her. I didn't write this for sympathy. I wrote it because I said would provide an update. At this point I have no choice but to break things off. I'd rather rip the band-aid off than be strung along. I seriously feel like I have lost ten pounds in two days. Letting go at this point is the only way to move on.

 

She lost control, her husband is now calling the shots (wanting to separate) and done a 180 and now she is reacting.

 

Don't EVER show her your sadness, tears or emotion. That will feed her ego, so it's good you kept calm.

 

Maybe it is best to separate from your wife, be on your own and do some counseling. Sort yourself out.

[dreamingoftigers]

You're still going to tell your wife though right?

 

No.

 

Now his wife is "of use" to him again.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well, looks like things are not going to go as planned. I was doing everything on my end to move forward, and so was she. She was even helping me find a place to stay. Until something I never saw coming happened. Her husband out of the blue tells her he wants to separate. She honestly didn't expect it. Here I am thinking this is a good thing. It makes it that much easier for her. But almost as soon as she finds out she says that she still wants to see me, but that she doesn't want to commit to anything anymore.

 

I kept on a brave face while she was telling me this, but I don't think I have ever felt so hurt. Its so obvious to me now that for her this was about having fun, not love. I even shed tears over it, but not in front of her. I didn't write this for sympathy. I wrote it because I said would provide an update. At this point I have no choice but to break things off. I'd rather rip the band-aid off than be strung along. I seriously feel like I have lost ten pounds in two days. Letting go at this point is the only way to move on.

 

I'm sorry. I know that pain. While he did not separate, I also wanted to leave my H and be with him. You should tell your W. I told my H and gave him the chance to separate. He chose to stay, basically forcing me to stay as well, and our marriage is a lot better. I obviously post here, I still struggle with my own issues and H is aware. But he thinks our marriage is worth the fight and he wants to be here. If he didn't, I would understand completely. Do you really want to go back to the same old broken marriage? Give your wife a chance to fix things with you or find her own way.

[ChickiePops]

No.

 

Now his wife is "of use" to him again.

 

I'm hoping that since he himself is going through being strung along and he understands how painful it is, that he wouldn't be so disgustingly selfish as to do the same to his wife.

[Shadowburn]

Your poor wife. Forever back up plan.

[HappyAgain2014]

I see a couple of options here:

 

1. Her husband said nothing and she decided to feed you this story to allow her to back away from committing to you.

 

2. This actually happened and she can't deal with not being the decision maker. God forbid someone leave her. When the tables are turned and all the power is gone, cheaters tend to panic.

 

Welcome to the world of affairs. Words are said, promises are made, and the trapdoor frequently opens to make you fall.

 

You're crying because your ego is bruised. I don't believe your affair OR marriage will end. Despite your supposed shock over the turn of events, I'm fairly certain you hadn't made any moves to tell your wife. You said you were doing everything but that's the start you forgot. Everything with cheaters means plans, not execution.

 

This game of chicken continues.

Edited August 13, 2016 by HappyAgain2014

[sandylee1]

I think it's a case of people seeming more attractive when they're not available or when they have other options. Her husband having another option freaked her out. Perhaps he's got an OW tucked away somewhere.

 

She had the power over you and could get you to leave your wife and she wanted to retain that power in her marriage over her H. If the marriage ends, she wants it to be on her terms.

 

It begs the question, was she truly planning to leave him .......... or would she have been so cruel to have you leave your wife, then change her mind. Thus giving her even more power over you. She's a master player isn't she.

 

She'd then be able to slot you in when she had the time in your apartment, while she goes back to her marital bed. You'd have been left cold after a passionate session as she goes home like so many of the single OWs are left hanging by MM here.

 

Time to revaluate I guess.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm hoping that since he himself is going through being strung along and he understands how painful it is, that he wouldn't be so disgustingly selfish as to do the same to his wife.

 

Ha.

 

Let's get real here.

[sandylee1]

I thought I should at least close the loop on this. It turns out she feels the same. So I am leaving my wife to be with her. I don't think this is fog, I've had too many relationships to not know the difference. I know folks say you shouldn't leave to be with someone else, but I honestly feel like this is for real. So I'm going for it. Thanks to everyone for the advice. I may regret it later. I do think wife will be hurt, but at I will at least make sure that she never has to work again with her settlement. She always did right by me, she just wasn't what I wanted.

 

Does this still stand? The settlement?

[RegretfulOM]

Does this still stand? The settlement?

 

Of course it does, if she wants to leave. She is the mother of my children. None of this is her fault. All I can do is ignore the people on here that think they know me or what I am about. For those of you suggesting I leave to "save her", you don't know her. If I told her everything it would only hurt her very badly and she would end up staying anyway. We have already had multiple D-Days. I haven't talked to my AP in a few days. I feel so duped, but the bottom line is I of all people should have known better.

[HappyAgain2014]

So you still haven't told your wife you were considering leaving her. This is still all about you and your choices. You haven't learned anything.

 

If you really want your AP, the ONLY chance you have is to go all in. This means telling your wife the truth, moving out, and filing for divorce. All of those things have to happen before she will take you seriously.

 

You and your AP are playing a game to see who makes the first move on these actions. You really can't be hurt when she hasn't taken those steps because neither have you.

 

Practice what you preach. You can't because the reality here is that neither of you trust the other not to leave you high and dry.

[sandylee1]

 

If you really want your AP

 

He did want his AP, but she didn't want to leave her husband, even after he suggested a separation. My guess is that she'll be super attentive to her husband, giving him mind blowing sex, swinging from the chandeliers, so he doesn't mention separation again.

 

However ... he suggested separation for a reason. He's not happy with something in the marriage.

[sandylee1]

Of course it does, if she wants to leave. She is the mother of my children. None of this is her fault. All I can do is ignore the people on here that think they know me or what I am about. For those of you suggesting I leave to "save her", you don't know her. If I told her everything it would only hurt her very badly and she would end up staying anyway. We have already had multiple D-Days. I haven't talked to my AP in a few days. I feel so duped, but the bottom line is I of all people should have known better.

 

I think considering your multiple ddays you're right.

She wouldn't leave you and a physical affair isn't a problem for her. You said an emotional one was indeed an issue for her.

 

I think the only way your marriage will end is from your end. If you decide to end it.

 

I initially thought you had told your wife you wanted a divorce, but I can see that's not the case.

 

You were waiting till you had everything set up with a new apartment, then would have announced it to her .... was that the plan?

 

Does your wife know that you don't really love her in the way you would like to? Or in the way you loved your OW?

 

Maintain NC with the OW as well. Don't go crawling back or you'll just be her toy.

[dreamingoftigers]

Of course it does, if she wants to leave. She is the mother of my children. None of this is her fault. All I can do is ignore the people on here that think they know me or what I am about. For those of you suggesting I leave to "save her", you don't know her. If I told her everything it would only hurt her very badly and she would end up staying anyway. We have already had multiple D-Days. I haven't talked to my AP in a few days. I feel so duped, but the bottom line is I of all people should have known better.

 

Wow. So you've emotionally abused her A LOT.

 

That's really sad for her. I hope she finds someone that actually loves her AND respects her one day.

 

Ironic you feel duped.

[sandylee1]

Wow. So you've emotionally abused her A LOT.

 

That's really sad for her. I hope she finds someone that actually loves her AND respects her one day.

 

Ironic you feel duped.

 

I've been finding out more and more that so many women put up men who they know don't love them.

 

Men who have no respect for them or who treat them like s**t, yet still they stay through fear of being alone, because they don't think they can do any better or because they are financially dependent on the man.

 

It's so sad TBH.