bathtub-row Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 He was visiting the office the other day and sat in my office for awhile talking about various things. At one point, he lowered his voice and asked the above question. I told him that I was not. Then I added that I had no interest in being with anyone; that relationships are too complicated. I said that I enjoyed not having to answer to anyone and doing as I pleased. He nodded his head and said, "You're smart to do that. Very wise." Right. It has been 12 yrs since our affair started, about 3 or 4 yrs since it ended (I've lost track). We're disconnected in a lot of ways. Such a strange situation. It's no wonder that I've learned so well to shut off my feelings about most of it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 how do you feel while interacting with him...? are the romantic feelings still present, do you still love him? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 He was visiting the office the other day and sat in my office for awhile talking about various things. At one point, he lowered his voice and asked the above question. I told him that I was not. Then I added that I had no interest in being with anyone; that relationships are too complicated. I said that I enjoyed not having to answer to anyone and doing as I pleased. He nodded his head and said, "You're smart to do that. Very wise." Right. It has been 12 yrs since our affair started, about 3 or 4 yrs since it ended (I've lost track). We're disconnected in a lot of ways. Such a strange situation. It's no wonder that I've learned so well to shut off my feelings about most of it. Maybe that's what he thinks and it's that simple? Xmm could be incredibly simple in his thinking at times and oblivious to the way I might hear what he was saying. Maybe best not to over think after all this time. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 You still seem not over him,he maybe just asked..no special reason Link to post Share on other sites
Author bathtub-row Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 No I don't think there's any real reason why he asked that question. Except perhaps his ego wanting to know, which means very little to me. Even if he were jealous as hell, it still wouldn't mean anything. I learned a long time ago that whatever we had wasn't enough so it doesn't matter and I don't ponder his motives. The situation is bizarre to me, though, that we sit there 12 yrs later, him asking me that question. During that visit, whenever he had the opportunity, he'd stay in the back in a group of people as they were walking away and he would turn to look back at me. I think there's that part of us that misses what we had. Do I still love him? That's hard to answer. Because of the history and friendship between us, I'd say yes that I love him but it's buried way beneath the surface and I don't consciously feel it. If he died in a car accident today, I'd be very sad. Could those feelings be rekindled under certain circumstances? Probably. I think when you truly love someone, that never really dies away completely. I think the point to my post is to give others in this type of situation some insight as to how entangled these relationships are, even 12 yrs down the road. Is it any wonder why so many struggle with them for so long? 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bathtub-row Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 how do you feel while interacting with him...? are the romantic feelings still present, do you still love him? I talk to him periodically whenever he sends me an email. It's basically a pulse check. I also see him on a video conference thing every week. So interacting with him isn't all that unusual but we have very little face-to-face contact. Honestly, I didn't feel a lot initially but if he were around a lot, those feelings might try to surface again. You know, it wasn't until later that I realized this but when I was showing him pics of my new place, he walked over and stood behind me. In the past, something like that would've thrown me for a loop -- him being close to me, etc. But it didn't phaze me. I think that alone was very telling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lilacwine Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 No I don't think there's any real reason why he asked that question. Except perhaps his ego wanting to know, which means very little to me. Even if he were jealous as hell, it still wouldn't mean anything. I learned a long time ago that whatever we had wasn't enough so it doesn't matter and I don't ponder his motives. The situation is bizarre to me, though, that we sit there 12 yrs later, him asking me that question. During that visit, whenever he had the opportunity, he'd stay in the back in a group of people as they were walking away and he would turn to look back at me. I think there's that part of us that misses what we had. Do I still love him? That's hard to answer. Because of the history and friendship between us, I'd say yes that I love him but it's buried way beneath the surface and I don't consciously feel it. If he died in a car accident today, I'd be very sad. Could those feelings be rekindled under certain circumstances? Probably. I think when you truly love someone, that never really dies away completely. I think the point to my post is to give others in this type of situation some insight as to how entangled these relationships are, even 12 yrs down the road. Is it any wonder why so many struggle with them for so long? Thank you for this beautifully written piece of insight. It's true. When you truly love someone, you'll always have love/fondness for that person in your heart, no matter how much time has passed. It's approaching a year since we broke up. Even now that I know that x-mm, like all the mms here, is surely a gifted liar, a part of me will always love him and cherish what we shared. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 If you didn't work in the same place you would likely have him out of your mind, but seeing him quite so often means he's ever present in your heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 He was visiting the office the other day and sat in my office for awhile talking about various things. At one point, he lowered his voice and asked the above question. I told him that I was not. Then I added that I had no interest in being with anyone; that relationships are too complicated. I said that I enjoyed not having to answer to anyone and doing as I pleased. He nodded his head and said, "You're smart to do that. Very wise." Right. It has been 12 yrs since our affair started, about 3 or 4 yrs since it ended (I've lost track). We're disconnected in a lot of ways. Such a strange situation. It's no wonder that I've learned so well to shut off my feelings about most of it. Omgosh bathtub-row they just don't stop do they? Good on you for telling him that! You sound empowered and that has got to be a good feeling! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 You could really send a strong message to him if you can get to a point of answering any personal questions with: "My personal life is not something I intend to share with you". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pooldog Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 It is nice for you to share your story and it provides great insight as to the depth of many affairs. I admire your way of thinking; it is healthy, folded neatly and you "coexist", which is the best two exes can do. Better alone than with MrWrong and MrRight is not MrRightNow. There is a lot to be grateful for as a single. No I don't think there's any real reason why he asked that question. Except perhaps his ego wanting to know, which means very little to me. Even if he were jealous as hell, it still wouldn't mean anything. I learned a long time ago that whatever we had wasn't enough so it doesn't matter and I don't ponder his motives. The situation is bizarre to me, though, that we sit there 12 yrs later, him asking me that question. During that visit, whenever he had the opportunity, he'd stay in the back in a group of people as they were walking away and he would turn to look back at me. I think there's that part of us that misses what we had. Do I still love him? That's hard to answer. Because of the history and friendship between us, I'd say yes that I love him but it's buried way beneath the surface and I don't consciously feel it. If he died in a car accident today, I'd be very sad. Could those feelings be rekindled under certain circumstances? Probably. I think when you truly love someone, that never really dies away completely. I think the point to my post is to give others in this type of situation some insight as to how entangled these relationships are, even 12 yrs down the road. Is it any wonder why so many struggle with them for so long? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 You could really send a strong message to him if you can get to a point of answering any personal questions with: "My personal life is not something I intend to share with you". I love this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pooldog Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Even better, is a smile, and the statement, thank you for asking. No answer owed! Jackie-O always said, "maximum politeness, minimal information." But authentic is always precious. No right or wrong needed there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 I'm curious to know how you got to this place? Your affair lasted about 8 years? And it's been over now 3-4yrs? But you still had to have some contact during this time? How did you get out? How did you get over it? Ya it could be he asked as someone who cared about you at one time and just is interested in your life...Or an ego boost....Or wanting to rekindle things....Who knows.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bathtub-row Posted July 2, 2016 Author Share Posted July 2, 2016 You could really send a strong message to him if you can get to a point of answering any personal questions with: "My personal life is not something I intend to share with you". Actually, I think the best response would've been, "No, I'm not seeing anyone. Are you? Lol. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bathtub-row Posted July 2, 2016 Author Share Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) I'm curious to know how you got to this place? Your affair lasted about 8 years? And it's been over now 3-4yrs? But you still had to have some contact during this time? How did you get out? How did you get over it? Ya it could be he asked as someone who cared about you at one time and just is interested in your life...Or an ego boost....Or wanting to rekindle things....Who knows.... He's the owner of the company I work for, but lives in a city that's a few hours away from me. Over the years I've tried to find new employment but have not been able to. Like a lot of people in affairs, we broke up many times, only to get back together again. It was extremely difficult to get over him but I did eventually. I honestly don't see him in the same way anymore because, despite everything, he was willing to hurt me and I'm not ok with that. Yes, he was most likely asking that question as a friend would ask anyone. I really don't think there was any real underlying motive, it just struck me as being kind of funny. But he has fooled me before at times when I thought there was no motive and it absolutely was there. So I'll always be cautious where he's concerned. Edited July 2, 2016 by bathtub-row 1 Link to post Share on other sites
13Hearts Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 He's the owner of the company I work for, but lives in a city that's a few hours away from me. Over the years I've tried to find new employment but have not been able to. Like a lot of people in affairs, we broke up many times, only to get back together again. It was extremely difficult to get over him but I did eventually. I honestly don't see him in the same way anymore because, despite everything, he was willing to hurt me and I'm not ok with that. Yes, he was most likely asking that question as a friend would ask anyone. I really don't think there was any real underlying motive, it just struck me as being kind of funny. But he has fooled me before at times when I thought there was no motive and it absolutely was there. So I'll always be cautious where he's concerned. Oh I've no doubt in my mind he had motive. They're like dogs, sniffing up your rear. Sorry to be crass but that is how I honestly see it. So anyway you're right to keep your guard up. xMM wanted me to get a new BF while he took years to eventually leave his wife, and then leave the BF when he had left his wife. WTH? I guess they just don't understand what it is like to be in a relationship with someone and have feelings for them. To them, I think we will always be the "kind of girl" who will have a fling with them. With no understanding that we actually have feelings. There's a diagnosis for people who do not have feelings, and therefore can't understand what it's like for people who do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Bathtub please remain cautious. I do not trust him at all. If it is over then it is none of his business whether you are seeing anyone. He is checking the territory before he has another attempt at dragging you in. Just be careful. You are a kind and compassionate person, but do not engage. Best wishes x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bathtub-row Posted July 2, 2016 Author Share Posted July 2, 2016 I wouldn't describe him as having no feelings but he is very good at compartmentalizing. And he would've never suggested that I date someone. He was pretty jealous. Again, not that that ever meant anything. I always say that affairs are like great relationships that end for no good reason. Of course there's no guarantee that it would be a great relationship, and they definitely end for a good reason, but that's not the way they feel. Hence the massive hook. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Oh I've no doubt in my mind he had motive. They're like dogs, sniffing up your rear. Sorry to be crass but that is how I honestly see it. So anyway you're right to keep your guard up. xMM wanted me to get a new BF while he took years to eventually leave his wife, and then leave the BF when he had left his wife. WTH? I guess they just don't understand what it is like to be in a relationship with someone and have feelings for them. To them, I think we will always be the "kind of girl" who will have a fling with them. With no understanding that we actually have feelings. There's a diagnosis for people who do not have feelings, and therefore can't understand what it's like for people who do. xMM wanted a similar arrangement. He wanted me to "get a handbag" for social events. No touching, no coming to my house. Just somebody to fill in for the times he was unavailable. It never happened because I didn't even consider it. What a self entitled twat he was!! Poppy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 I think any answer you give him makes him think he is privy to your dating life. I view it as taking your power back by telling him that's not info he needs to know. Same goes for the pictures of your house...send a clear message that show she is not part of your personal life anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
The Aftermath Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 Oh I've no doubt in my mind he had motive. They're like dogs, sniffing up your rear. Sorry to be crass but that is how I honestly see it. So anyway you're right to keep your guard up. xMM wanted me to get a new BF while he took years to eventually leave his wife, and then leave the BF when he had left his wife. WTH? I guess they just don't understand what it is like to be in a relationship with someone and have feelings for them. To them, I think we will always be the "kind of girl" who will have a fling with them. With no understanding that we actually have feelings. There's a diagnosis for people who do not have feelings, and therefore can't understand what it's like for people who do. Sorry to TJ bathtub-row, but this totally reminded me of when my xMM told me he would not have become involved with me when we reconnected after 8 years if I had a man (Ive been separated from H for 3 years so while not "technically" single I wasnt dating anyone). I guess its totally OK for him to have a wife, but completely unacceptable for me to have a BF while he and I were involved?! Link to post Share on other sites
The Aftermath Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 Actually, I think the best response would've been, "No, I'm not seeing anyone. Are you? Lol. Maybe because its really late, but I JUST got this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bathtub-row Posted July 3, 2016 Author Share Posted July 3, 2016 Sorry to TJ bathtub-row, but this totally reminded me of when my xMM told me he would not have become involved with me when we reconnected after 8 years if I had a man (Ive been separated from H for 3 years so while not "technically" single I wasnt dating anyone). I guess its totally OK for him to have a wife, but completely unacceptable for me to have a BF while he and I were involved?! Wow. There's a double standard if I ever saw one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bathtub-row Posted July 3, 2016 Author Share Posted July 3, 2016 Maybe because its really late, but I JUST got this. Yeah, it takes a sec to get that one. Lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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