Single lady/Married man--I am so lost

[singlelady2]

Recently divorced and started dating, things have taken off very fast. But something didn't feel right and I felt like he was involved. yes he is married and he went through several measure to cover up the lie about him not being married. But he finally told the truth after I basically caught him lying.

 

Then I inboxed his wife on FB and told her about us; yet no response from her at all. The problem is that I still love him and have basically forgiven him for the lie. Now though I wonder if I should believe him when he says that he and his wife are living in the same house but as room mates.Yet he has never spent the night with me because he doesn't want to cause additional problems with her.

 

However he is at my house every morning before he goes to work and every evening after he gets off and on his off days. I drive his car sometimes and we are out together a lot. According to him, he sleeps on the sofa and she sleeps in the bedroom - the only reason they are still together is because of legal, financial matters (co applicants rent, car, etc...).

 

He says that there is no love or sex with them and that he loves me which he says all the time. He had introduced me to his mother, father, and aunt. He says that she (wife) is planning on leaving so he is waiting for that to happen. I love this man and want to believe him but my question is should I believe him?

 

Does any of this sound logical, how long should I wait on him, are there additional questions that I should ask him or should I ask his wife questions?

 

Please help as I am new to the dating scene after being married for over 30 years and quite lost.

Edited July 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JoeSmith357-1]

Recently divorced and started dating, things have taken off very fast. But something didn't feel right and I felt like he was involved. yes he is married and he went through several measure to cover up the lie about him not being married. But he finally told the truth after I basically caught him lying. Then I inboxed his wife on FB and told her about us; yet no response from her at all.

 

WOW, seriously??

 

 

The problem is that I still love him and have basically forgiven him for the lie. Now though I wonder if I should believe him when he says that he and his wife are living in the same house but as room mates.Yet he has never spent the night with me because he doesn't want to cause additional problems with her. However he is at my house every morning before he goes to work and every evening after he gets off and on his off days. I drive his car sometimes and we are out together a lot.

 

If he's ****ing you on the down low, which it sounds like he is, and you outed your relationship to his wife, all of that really doesn't matter. He's probably done with you...

 

According to him, he sleeps on the sofa and she sleeps in the bedroom - the only reason they are still together is because of legal, financial matters (co applicants rent, car, etc...). He says that there is no love or sex with them and that he loves me which he says all the time. He had introduced me to his mother, father, and aunt. He says that she (wife) is planning on leaving so he is waiting for that to happen. I love this man and want to believe him but my question is should I believe him? Does any of this sound logical, how long should I wait on him, are there additional questions that I should ask him or should I ask his wife questions? Please help as I am new to the dating scene after being married for over 30 years and quite lost.

 

The first advice I would give is to not get involved with a married man. All other advice is immaterial.

 

And seriously, wtf were you thinking about when you contacted his wife??? That to the guy is absolute psycho **** right there

[tinkerbell16]

Recently divorced and started dating, things have taken off very fast. But something didn't feel right and I felt like he was involved. yes he is married and he went through several measure to cover up the lie about him not being married. But he finally told the truth after I basically caught him lying. Then I inboxed his wife on FB and told her about us; yet no response from her at all. The problem is that I still love him and have basically forgiven him for the lie. Now though I wonder if I should believe him when he says that he and his wife are living in the same house but as room mates.Yet he has never spent the night with me because he doesn't want to cause additional problems with her. However he is at my house every morning before he goes to work and every evening after he gets off and on his off days. I drive his car sometimes and we are out together a lot. According to him, he sleeps on the sofa and she sleeps in the bedroom - the only reason they are still together is because of legal, financial matters (co applicants rent, car, etc...). He says that there is no love or sex with them and that he loves me which he says all the time. He had introduced me to his mother, father, and aunt. He says that she (wife) is planning on leaving so he is waiting for that to happen. I love this man and want to believe him but my question is should I believe him? Does any of this sound logical, how long should I wait on him, are there additional questions that I should ask him or should I ask his wife questions? Please help as I am new to the dating scene after being married for over 30 years and quite lost.

 

You didnt know he was married but now you do. It doesn't matter what he tells you about his marriage whether it's true or not true. It sounds perfectly logical coming from a cake eating a******. There's nothing original about what he's telling you. You can read many threads on this website from The Other Woman stating almost identical. You will grab on to whatever you can to assuage yourself into believing he loves you more. I will give him points for originality I've never heard of somebody staying with their wife because of a car note. He is married. You are sleeping with a married man. Nothing good can come of it. Karma is a b****. If you are recently divorced you should step back and reevaluate whether you're ready to date. Most people are emotionally fragile coming out of a divorce and they do things that years down the road they will look back on with regret. Of the billions of people on this planet a large proportion of them are single. There are zero reasons to date a married man other than enjoying self inflicted pain.

Edited July 1, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[stillafool]

He's feeding you the exact same lines all MM do. He is not going to leave his wife. Did you hear me, he is not going to leave his wife. I wonder what type of psycho he described you as when you message his wife. I'd love to be a fly on the wall to hear what he told her about how you're chasing him. Once you found out he was married that should have been IT for you, not to continue seeing and having sex with a MM. If you continue on with this womans husband knowing he is married you pretty much deserve what is coming.

[Toodaloo]

Does any of this sound logical,

 

No. He is a proven lier. he is mor ethan likely telling you porkies again.

 

how long should I wait on him,

 

Not one more second. Ditch him.

 

are there additional questions that I should ask him or should I ask his wife questions?

 

Nope. You just ditch him and tell him not to ever come near you or try to contact you again.

 

Please help as I am new to the dating scene after being married for over 30 years and quite lost.

 

You are indeed but you can find yourself again and trust me it is not in the arms of another womans husband.

 

If you really want to know what happened at home when she got that facebook message? It probably went down like this;

 

Her - I got this message from this woman saying you are having an affair

Him - Oh my days who could that be - please show me darling

Her - *shows him* this is her

Him - Oh honey that is that weird woman I told you about who is stalking me. Print it off and I will take it into the police on my way to work tomorrow. I have to leave early again to make sure I take a strange route so she can't follow me...

 

or

Oh my God I can't believe she has done that I can't get her to leave me a lone I love you so much darling and would never do anything to hurt you!

 

This guy is a tool.

 

Do not contact his wife again. Follow what is known as the No Contact Rule. and give yourself a chance to meet a decent guy. There are loads of them out there and they are way better than this.

[Satu]

Unfaithful married men are especially good at two things:

 

1. Telling lies.

 

2. Finding people who will believe those lies.

 

 

Many of them do this again, and again, with woman after woman.

 

With as many as they can.

[Maggie888]

Well this is textbook MM and OW stuff. "We are like roomates" and "only together for the momey/kids/business etc" is the calling card of every MM looking for some attention on the side.

 

Making this MM particularly worse is the fact he lied to you about being marrried initially.

 

And you want to "forgive him this lie"

 

WHAT??!!!

 

He is married and with his wife bc thats where he eants to be. It doesnt even sound like they have kids together at home. He could easily leave if he truly wanted to.

 

This is not going to end well for you at all. The least awful outcome is you go No Contact right now and never communicate with him again. Anything short of that spells grave misfortune and pain for you.

 

What was your goal or intentions in telling his wife exactly?

[BaileyB]

Seriously, it doesn't matter where he sleeps, whether he has sex with his wife, whether he has introduced you to his family, or if you drive his car... HE IS MARRIED. You two deserve each other - I feel badly for his wife.

[Zahara]

I have two girlfriends and a colleague at work who at one point were all involved with married men.

 

Each and every MM spewed out that excuse. Roomates, sleeping on the couch, separated, no sex, financial matters -- textbook. Turns out -- all lies.

 

You'd be an absolute fool to keep staying in the relationship.

[Satu]

You can't believe anything these men say.

[smackie9]

You are new to dating? No excuse. Check your moral values....dating a married man is wrong. So what if you are in love....you are being selfish. Remove yourself from the situation. Go no contact/delete his number.

[Satu]

Other people's men are other people's men.

[leogirl876]

It's one thing to go out with someone that's married because you don't know they're married, but now you do, run as far away from him as possible! And seriously for future reference, don't contact the wife, all that does is make you look crazy. And trust, if he'll cheat on his wife with you, he'll cheat on you with someone else. And don't believe him when he says they're living as roommates. If that's the case, then get a divorce. I won't even date a guy that's separated, he has to be divorced for a minimum of 1 year before I'd get involved with him. Do yourself a favor, and block this guy from your phone and social media and never see him again, and if you meet another man that says he's married or separated, RUN!!!!

[lehcar]

run, don't walk, away from this lying man before you do anything else you'll later regret.

[pooldog]

One of the biggest problems about dating after such a long time away and because you are married is that dating and relationships have changed so much in the time you are out of the market. There are so many shades of gray including hookups, friends with benefits, affairs, texting, sexting, EA, PA, open relationships, booty calls, and monogamous relationships, and it is very easy for men to meet a large number of women online and in so many social settings. Gone are the days where he sits home alone pining for a wife for social status. I believe you went into this innocently enough. You met a nice man, he wooed you when you needed attention and love and you wanted to believe what you wanted that is human, and then disaster struck because he did not tell you he was married and then he covered it up with a lie. And now you are "bonded" because you had sex. You will feel a lot better if you read the dating board because you will discover this is all too common for women.

 

It might feel really good to get back at him by messaging his wife but you have nothing to gain by that action except to cause more drama. I don't believe that is an effective strategy to get you what you want and that is love.

 

So, where to go from here. This is perhaps is your first "dating" lesson by way of hard knocks. I think you should spend some time reading about "how to date" and if you learn to date effectively you will find a very nice person for you. So even though this is painful it can be lucky that it brought you here so soon after your divorce so you can learn the dating and relationship ropes.

 

One of the most important things about dating in this day and age, and especially if you are older than the college aged set, is that you have to determine if someone is relationship worthy. Meaning, are they in a time and place to have a relationship and do they even want one at all. There are men who were married a long time in a disastrous marriage with a messy divorce and they do not ever want to be tied down. There are men who love their single lives and they do not want to have to worry about calling and making dates or they love sowing their oats in a whole stable. There are married men who want open relationships. YOu have to ask first and get the story. The other obvious part of that equation is do they want a relationship with you and did they earn it? Are they calling you up and making platonic dates out in public and pursuing you regularly? Are they letting you meet their friends and did they ask for exclusivity?

 

If not, it is a hookup or one night stand. The woman is the gatekeeper and responsible for her destiny. It is not what you attract but what you accept and it is about your standards.

 

I think my mindset would tend to be move on and read a lot and be more aware so you can manage it. Feel lucky you learned so soon.

 

You cannot help it if he hides that he is married but do not cause any more drama your life is ticking and you have already wasted enough of it with him.

Edited July 2, 2016 by pooldog

[pooldog]

Here you go dear OP - this will help you make a better boyfriend decision.

 

2 Tests to Determine if He?s Worthy Of Being Your Boyfriend

 

I learned so much from that man's website and ebooks. I have nothing to do with him financially I am just a devout blog reader of his.

 

But hopefully that will help you heal and move on and find the man of your dreams that makes this one look like a pile of stinky problems.

 

Hugs to you! Welcome to the wonderful world of singledom where you get to have a fresh slate and recreate yourself.

[Poppy47]

If you read here, you will learn that your affair is not unique.

 

It seems common for a woman at a vulnerable time in her life, to fall for a MM with this classic story. All to often it is easy to believe in the man and become involved. In my own case, I now see I was avoiding the reality of a world I couldn't cope with.

 

Please end all contact with him and leave it alone for now. It will be interesting to see if his wife responds to you .

 

He has probably told her that you are a fruit loop who has been pursuing him and he can't get rid of you. That's classic also.

 

Poppy

[longjohn]

Please don't fall for this old lie. He's a liar that's all you need to know. Move along because right now from what you've said.. he's having his cake and eating it too. Your allowing it, god knows what he told his wife to cover this crap up with. Your wasting your time with this one. There's plenty of other guys out there that are actually single and not living with their wives and lying to you about it. Move along or wait for the day his wife shows up to ask WTF is going on.. or maybe his other GF!

[loveisanaction]

Gurrrllll, That line "We're roommates" is straight out of the cheater's handbook.

 

Almost every other woman likes to think that her story is unique and will end differently from the others. I hate to break it to you hon but your story is so cliche, one can already predict how it's going to end.

 

Add that to the fact that your guy even lied to you about being married. What one earth!! He lied about the very existence concerning the woman he said his vows to and you want to forgive him for it? Come now, is the struggle that real to be in a relationship with someone so strong?

 

This may come as a shock to you but it's okay to be single. You don't HAVE to have a man in your life. You were married for 30 years, why not take some time and be single. Learn to discover things about yourself, spend time getting to know you.

 

There is an innocent woman's heart at stake here, don't do her this way. She has done you no wrong. No man is worth hurting another woman over.

Edited July 3, 2016 by loveisanaction

[Sunkissedpatio]

Unfaithful married men are especially good at two things:

 

1. Telling lies.

 

2. Finding people who will believe those lies.

 

 

This right there, repeat it to yourself over and over again until it clicks because truer words have never been written. This is the best advise you will get and you need to remember.

 

I know you are in love, but you are also in love with what he pretended to be not what he turned out to be.

 

Let me tell you about cheater's lies and if you should believe he is sleeping in separate rooms from his wife. My ex-fiance was also having and affair with someone with someone who works in his office building I am certain that he also lied to her told her we hadn't had sex for years, he never loved me, we were living in separate rooms but still under the same roof etc. all the nonsense MM tell their mistresses.

 

How do I know this? Well About three weeks after he left me for her they were shopping in a store in my neighbourhood and it was all still so fresh for me and the first time I saw them out together I followed them into the store and confronted them I wanted to see how she would react and if she knew that he was with me of if she was lied to as well.

 

When I confronted her I asked her do you know that this man was living with me and engaged to me just three weeks ago? Her response: "I don't care" and she started to exit the store. I then asked her:" oh you don't care, ok, well do you care that he was still sleep in in our bed and making love to me while he started dating you because he was still working things out with me and that included lots of sex?" She seemed to care at that point. They left the store and I could see them having a heated discussion down the street. She was no longer holding his hand, their body language was full "fighting" mode and clearly he was explaining some things to her while she bickered back at him angrily.

 

Moral of the story?

 

Unfaithful married men are especially good at two things:

 

1. Telling lies.

 

2. Finding people who will believe those lies.

 

Edited July 3, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Poppy47]

It's one thing to go out with someone that's married because you don't know they're married, but now you do, run as far away from him as possible! And seriously for future reference, don't contact the wife, all that does is make you look crazy. And trust, if he'll cheat on his wife with you, he'll cheat on you with someone else. And don't believe him when he says they're living as roommates. If that's the case, then get a divorce. I won't even date a guy that's separated, he has to be divorced for a minimum of 1 year before I'd get involved with him. Do yourself a favor, and block this guy from your phone and social media and never see him again, and if you meet another man that says he's married or separated, RUN!!!!

 

Yes!!! Married is that until divorced. Dating separated men can get very messy.

Poppy.

[pooldog]

"I know you are in love, but you are also in love with what he pretended to be not what he turned out to be."

 

That gets the million-dollar-statement award.

 

Just wanted to say - sorry that happened to you and glad you are not stuck in marriage with a man like that even though I am sure processing it is very painful. I can't imagine. Hugs!

 

This right there, repeat it to yourself over and over again until it clicks because truer words have never been written. This is the best advise you will get and you need to remember.

 

I know you are in love, but you are also in love with what he pretended to be not what he turned out to be.

 

Let me tell you about cheater's lies and if you should believe he is sleeping in separate rooms from his wife. My ex-fiance was also having and affair with someone with someone who works in his office building I am certain that he also lied to her told her we hadn't had sex for years, he never loved me, we were living in separate rooms but still under the same roof etc. all the nonsense MM tell their mistresses.

 

How do I know this? Well About three weeks after he left me for her they were shopping in a store in my neighbourhood and it was all still so fresh for me and the first time I saw them out together I followed them into the store and confronted them I wanted to see how she would react and if she knew that he was with me of if she was lied to as well.

 

When I confronted her I asked her do you know that this man was living with me and engaged to me just three weeks ago? Her response: "I don't care" and she started to exit the store. I then asked her:" oh you don't care, ok, well do you care that he was still sleep in in our bed and making love to me while he started dating you because he was still working things out with me and that included lots of sex?" She seemed to care at that point. They left the store and I could see them having a heated discussion down the street. She was no longer holding his hand, their body language was full "fighting" mode and clearly he was explaining some things to her while she bickered back at him angrily.

 

Moral of the story?

Edited July 4, 2016 by pooldog

[Sunkissedpatio]

Thank you Pooldog, getting so much understanding and virtual love from strangers here sure is nice! I appreciate your kind words.

 

I'm doing a lot better, it hasn't been easy but definitely not impossible. There is life after scum bags that try to ruin your life. I say "try" because no one can ruin your life unless you let them.

 

For those of us who have been deceived we have to focus on what was real and what wasn't so having feelings for what wasn't real aren't feelings worth having. Ironically that is precisely what is helping me move on.

[pooldog]

"I say "try" because no one can ruin your life unless you let them. "

 

YES!!!!!!! You are in control now. You will be fine. The right prince is around the corner and will make you very happy because you have seen the light. You have no idea now but I am quite certain the best is in store and yet to come!

 

And as painful as this is, it is much better now before you walked down the aisle than when you have two kids and you are stuck. You still have your whole life.

 

Thank you Pooldog, getting so much understanding and virtual love from strangers here sure is nice! I appreciate your kind words.

 

I'm doing a lot better, it hasn't been easy but definitely not impossible. There is life after scum bags that try to ruin your life. I say "try" because no one can ruin your life unless you let them.

 

For those of us who have been deceived we have to focus on what was real and what wasn't so having feelings for what wasn't real aren't feelings worth having. Ironically that is precisely what is helping me move on.

[Lobe]

Feelings during the affair are a paradox. The emotions are real but the circumstances are false. I liken it to feelings while dreaming - as real as they are, they don't exist outside the dream world. How do you start discerning what was real and what was not? Such a harsh journey. I wish you strength, SL2