Single lady/Married man--I am so lost

[Hamish57a]

Yes it all sounds logical, sure does but I recall saying these same things when they weren't true. Sorry but the thing is you have doubts. You need to either believe him or move on, it's a hell of a way to start a relationship with doubt. Do you deserve to feel so bad. Think about your self first because nobody else will

[Hazyhead]

Although I think it a massive shame that you came out of one dysfunctional relationship and straight into another, you are where you're at, so it needs dealing with. It doesn't matter, really, his reasons for staying with his wife and their situation at home (he is never going to tell you that they're at it regularly), what matters is that he hasn't chosen to be with you. You are on a rubber band at his expense and whilst that is the case you have no control over your own life. And this just after divorcing!

 

Take back your life. Tell him that conditions under which you two would be together, and if he can't do that then he is not the man for you.

 

Go on other dates. Join a dating website. Throw yourself back out there and have some fun.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

And as painful as this is, it is much better now before you walked down the aisle than when you have two kids and you are stuck. You still have your whole life.

 

Oh TOTALLY! I am past the age of having kids but I would not have wanted to spend the rest of my life with a liar and now a cheater. Yes I dodged a bullet there. And in hindsight I am learning in therapy now my relationship was riddled with red flags unfortunately...I should not have gotten engage to him.

 

To the OP nothing we say will make you makeup your mind on what to do, but do think long and hard if a relationship someone that can so easily convince you of lies is what you ultimately would want for your future. That is the best way to decide one what to do. When the luster of the honeymoon phase wears off and the problems and hard work of a relationship set in you are still left with someone who is capable of leading a double life. Relationships are hard enough as they are why add that to the mix?

[13Hearts]

I love this man and want to believe him but my question is should I believe him?

Only if you want to be sorely and depressingly hurt and frustrated, 3 to 9+ years from now when you realize he was playing you all that time.

 

Does any of this sound logical?

Yes, VERY. You have obviously met and begun seeing my xMM!! Because he did EXACTLY the same things as you describe AND he told me the EXACT SAME THINGS he told you!

 

how long should I wait on him

Zero. Do not wait on a man. And especially on a married one.

 

are there additional questions that I should ask him or should I ask his wife questions?

No, to both. Move on and find a happy, non-dysfunctional, non-toxic man to date who does not lie to you.

 

The longer you stay in it, the more difficult it becomes to unattach yourself from MM.

[awkward]

This guy must be something else. He lied to you that he was living with another woman whom he made vows to. What else do you need to know?

 

It's complicated? Not really. Do you want to date a liar? He lied to YOU.

[awkward]

What would you consider to be a deal breaker with this guy? He got away with a huge lie that would make most women run. What could he possibly do to make you say ok his character isn't my type.

[cocorico]

Recently divorced and started dating, things have taken off very fast. But something didn't feel right and I felt like he was involved. yes he is married and he went through several measure to cover up the lie about him not being married. But he finally told the truth after I basically caught him lying.

 

Then I inboxed his wife on FB and told her about us; yet no response from her at all. The problem is that I still love him and have basically forgiven him for the lie. Now though I wonder if I should believe him when he says that he and his wife are living in the same house but as room mates.Yet he has never spent the night with me because he doesn't want to cause additional problems with her.

 

However he is at my house every morning before he goes to work and every evening after he gets off and on his off days. I drive his car sometimes and we are out together a lot. According to him, he sleeps on the sofa and she sleeps in the bedroom - the only reason they are still together is because of legal, financial matters (co applicants rent, car, etc...).

 

He says that there is no love or sex with them and that he loves me which he says all the time. He had introduced me to his mother, father, and aunt. He says that she (wife) is planning on leaving so he is waiting for that to happen. I love this man and want to believe him but my question is should I believe him?

 

Does any of this sound logical, how long should I wait on him, are there additional questions that I should ask him or should I ask his wife questions?

 

Please help as I am new to the dating scene after being married for over 30 years and quite lost.

 

It's possible they are splitting up. He has introduced you to his family, so he's clearly not trying to hide you. He's been dating you openly.

 

It may be true about the roommates / no sex with the wife thing too. It was for my fMM (now H). He also introduced me to his family, his friends, colleagues etc. We were also openly a couple.

 

The difference is, my H never lied to me. Your BF has lied to you about being M. That is a worrying sign.

[singlelady2]

I really appreciate your advice. You basically hit the nail on the head. I never really dated before my first marriage was at a young age and religion had a lot to do with it. I am learning a lot very fast and will commit more time to reading about dating and deciding who to let into my life.

 

 

Thanks again for your great advice!

[pooldog]

Glad I can help. Knowledge is power!

 

I really appreciate your advice. You basically hit the nail on the head. I never really dated before my first marriage was at a young age and religion had a lot to do with it. I am learning a lot very fast and will commit more time to reading about dating and deciding who to let into my life.

 

 

Thanks again for your great advice!

[EllyH]

Unfortunately men like these prey on those who "are lost". He is an admitted adulterer and liar. The truth of the matter is he is still married whether he and his wife are "roommates" or not and therefore he is off-limits and unavailable. You deserve someone who has more respect for you than to give you seconds. Don't settle.

[friendlyfriend]

Married 30 years! So, you're not a young school girl with no common sense? I'm thinking you are desperately lonely and frightened to be alone. After a 'surprise' divorce, I would think you'd be very gun-shy at getting so involved so fast again.

I fear for where this is going. Look at it this way: Would you put precious perfume (your life) into a cracked bottle (him)? If you did what would be the likelihood of the precious perfume leaking out and drying up? Who would be at fault for your loss?

 

I hope you get into a support group for divorced ladies, or some counselling, and take this time to examine your expectations and how to take care of your 'precious self' instead of trying to use 'you' to feed the wolves

[tired66]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I know it's so so hard.

 

I was in a similar situation too. Nothing anyone said ever got through to me. I felt my situation was different. Looking back now with a clear head, I can say that maybe the only thing that would've helped me get out sooner is to look at all of the threads in this forum... and to count the number that ended well. I have gone through hundreds of threads. I have yet to find one that had a happy ending.

 

It is better to wait for a man that will bring you a lifetime of happiness, than to give in now for a lifetime of misery. Even if you are the <1% of people who find a way to work this out, the scars will always be there, and you deserve better. So much better. xoxoxo