Amber1995 Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Sorry it's so long I've been with my boyfriend for about 10 months and until 2 weeks ago I trusted him 100%.. Until his actions made me quite worried ( refusing to put any sign of me on his Facebook and wouldn't let me post any photos of us and tag him). So I guessed his Facebook password. Before I looked at anything I was wrapped with guilt and was about to log out ( mind you he has gone through my phone once without asking) but then he gets an inbox and I couldn't help but look. It was his ex. I have always known they talk but this conversation was not okay. She's engaged but it doesn't change the fact he's messed up. They were talking about what they used to do in bed and what they currently like to do in bed. They were talking about what they used to do as for play and all of that and he kept calling her "kinky". It was always him bringing up the inappropriate things and she spoke about her partner multiple times, he never spoke about me. Then as I read on ( this conversation was happening as I was reading it) I found out that she thinks me and him broke up months ago. At the start of our relationship when he told her about me, she said she felt uncomfortable and weird about him being with someone else. I sent him a text asking if he spoke to her and before he replied he deleted all her messages and changed his password . I've asked him multiple times since if she knows we are together 100% and he has lied and said yes every time. He has refused to even think about not talking to her but has agreed that if he spoke to her in this way it would be fair for me to ask him never to talk to her again but reassured me he hasn't while we were together. I still haven't told him I know yet, but have made it very obvious and he has changed his password so I think he knows But doesn't want to bring it up in the hope it will go away. What do I do? He's treating me like a fool. He has always convinced me I'm wrong for everything I feel but this time I know I'm right. I shouldn't have invaded his privacy and I won't again, but I can't let this go. I get the feeling he doesn't want her to know about me so he can continue these sexual conversations with her, and that's why he doesn't any sign of me on his Facebook.. Help Link to post Share on other sites
Jacob_Duluoz Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Dump him, he's playing you for a fool. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Yes, he is playing you for a fool. 10 months into this and all this deceit -- I'd be out of there. Dump him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Yes, he is emotionally cheating on you and lying to you. I would dump him ASAP and wouldn't even bother having a conversation with him other than, "I deserve better. Goodbye and good luck." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Yes he's playing you for a fool. Now what are you going to do about it???? Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Read the post 'Cellphone question' by yepsurething. She is married to a narcissistic, sociopathic, liar. Until recently, she had no idea he led a totally separate life and has very little (or no) respect for women. Do you want to be her in 5 years? Your BF sounds like the guy friend YST's husband talks to about all the sex he is having outside his marriage. Get rid of the liar, dodge the bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amber1995 Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 So I shouldn't even give him a chance to explain himself? He hasn't spoken to her since (as far as I'm aware), maybe he realised he was wrong and is just too scared to own up to it. I don't want to make excuses for him but isn't dumping him a bit extreme? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Amber, His actions spoke volumes. If he deleted his messages and changed his password then you KNOW he is up to no good. The only thing you did wrong was to not screenshot the conversation s and send them to yourself for safe keeping so you could shove them in his face at the same time you shove a boot up his ass. But I understand you were so shocked at what you found that you would not think of it. Most people wouldn't You must remember you did nothing wrong. Nothing. Your gut told you something and it was right. Get rid of him, and if you can find out who this girl is engaged to maybe her fiance should know what type of woman he is marrying. Regardless, no excuse is even necessary. He would never go public with you about your relationship and he is probably screwing his ex. You already have the answers you need. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 So I shouldn't even give him a chance to explain himself? He hasn't spoken to her since (as far as I'm aware), maybe he realised he was wrong and is just too scared to own up to it. I don't want to make excuses for him but isn't dumping him a bit extreme? Explain what? It was all very straightforward. Hiding you from FB and from his ex. Emotionally cheating. Lying. Funny how they only realize it's wrong when they're caught. If you had not caught him, this would have continued. He changed his password and deleted everything. You've just taught him that he needs to be covert in the way he deceives you. 10 months in and already an emotional cheater and liar. Trust that there will be more of this type of behavior to come. This is ingrained. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 why are you asking for help?? It is what it is, dump him already. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Amber, you have proof he lied. The two of you have only been dating for ten months. Are you going to wait for another ten to find him cheating on you? The only reason to keep the fact that the two of you are a couple on FB is so he looks unattached. I bet this ex is not the only one he is flirting with. Do you really want to be with someone that lies to your face with ease? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 isn't dumping him a bit extreme? Hell no! It's the right thing to do. If one has to keep it a secret they know they shouldn't be doing it...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amber1995 Posted July 2, 2016 Author Share Posted July 2, 2016 I don't want to walk away from him just yet. I'm all about second chances, and I believe that if I confront him in the right way, he might stop. All his female friends know about me and I have met most of them, which is why I don't understand the Facebook thing. I know what he has done is deceitful and beyond wrong for someone who claims to love me to do. But there has to be a way to try and work this out, that way if he doesn't change or make up for what's he has done I will know 100% leaving him is the right decision Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) Seriously? When he screws you over again, he won't even be playing you for a fool like he's doing now. You'll simply be one. Your choice though. The guy showed you his true colors. They're not going to magically go away just because you give him another chance to betray you. Edited July 2, 2016 by JS84 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Unfortunately, you're only going to teach him that you will tolerate bad behavior. Two things will happen. You're going to always be looking over your shoulder. He's going to be more covert in how he cheats. His behavior is indicative of how much he values you. Expect more to come. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 I shouldn't have invaded his privacy and I won't again.... Damn right. Because you're dumping his lying sneaky ass. Right? Or are you going to disrespect yourself and stay with someone after he's treated you like a non-entity? Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 So I shouldn't even give him a chance to explain himself? He hasn't spoken to her since (as far as I'm aware), maybe he realised he was wrong and is just too scared to own up to it. I don't want to make excuses for him but isn't dumping him a bit extreme? Your naivety is your worst enemy. How do you know he hasn't spoken to her? He changed his password so you can't see what he's doing anymore. And if the lying sneak has since given you his password, then THAT just means these two have found ANOTHER way to continue their sex talk behind your back. Seriously. Time to take off those rose-colored glasses. You're no longer a victim. You're now a volunteer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Honey give this up. No man, is ever worth this kind of drama. Seriously there are at least 3 billion of them on the planet. Far too many to waste your time on someone who thinks you are a waste of time. The only thing sticking it out will do is lower your self esteem even further below ground level. Young guys are full of drama and pettiness. Learn this and you'll have little patience for these antics. It's all about them seeing how much they can inflate their own ego's by duping their GF's. Sad I know, but it takes a long time for most of them to grow out of this phase. There's a reason why most women will not date a 20 something guy once they are past the age of 30. It's just not worth the drama, hassle and stupid games. Now get rid of this bad apple and find a new one. I promise you, you won't even regret it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 Well, you just found out that the man you love...doesn't love you. To quote a cliche - he's just not that into you. I suspect he won't be overly devastated if you break up with him because he's clearly not committed to you anyway. Keep him if you want, but you'll be doing so with the knowledge that he is a tool who seeks pleasure from women who aren't you. And he will continue to do it because he will know you don't have enough self-esteem to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 I don't want to walk away from him just yet. I'm all about second chances, and I believe that if I confront him in the right way, he might stop. All his female friends know about me and I have met most of them, which is why I don't understand the Facebook thing. I know what he has done is deceitful and beyond wrong for someone who claims to love me to do. But there has to be a way to try and work this out, that way if he doesn't change or make up for what's he has done I will know 100% leaving him is the right decision Amber, understandably, walking away from someone you love is hard but how do you "confront them in the right way"? I once thought the same as you when I was with my first ex-husband. And no matter how many times he got caught or how I confronted him, the behavior continued with the same woman until I stopped allowing myself to be taken for a fool. Today, I go with my instincts....and that is what you did, so you did nothing wrong. Any man who would hide your relationship from another woman is not considering your feelings or respecting you. People don't change, they show you exactly who they are and in this instance, he has shown his true colors. I'm not going to just say immediately leave him, my advice to you is to really think about what a caring and loving relationship looks like to you. One with mutual respect and honesty and ask yourself if this guy's behavior really fits that picture of what you deserve in your life. If not, please do respect yourself in this situation because you truly deserve better. Good luck, keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 Amber dear, read your own post. You are giving him your own morals and values when you talk about second chances. Would you have done what he has? No, you would not have. Yes most of his friends that are female know you. How about the ones you do not know about? Amber you are building him up with your own way of thinking, he is not you, he doesn't think the same way. If he wasn't trying to find someone Amber, he would put you on his FB as his girl. Any guy that loved his GF would, he would leave her with no doubt that she meant the world to him. Is he doing this for you? The reason you are here is because he is not. Amber it is time to walk away from this one, I am 47 and have given the same advice to my own daughter. You deserve better then how he is treating you. You should be his number one priority and you are not. Look at your situation as if this is happening to one of your friends, what would your advice be to her? Link to post Share on other sites
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