How do I handle this?

[MiamiFR]

Hi everyone,

 

It has been many years since I have been on the site.

 

As we are in the LDR section, then my lead up is going to be familiar. Met a Brazilian lady (48) I am 48 as well, in the city that I live in, in Miami. Her family has a condo here and so she visits from time to time.

 

When I met her she is was in the last stages of divorce. It has recently been finalized. While she didn't get into too much depth about the marriage, it was clearly a very very tense, unhappy relationship for the last year or so. I have examples but they aren't necessary.

 

The way we met lent itself to a hello goodbye thing. I happened to have a business card, which I gave her and then went on my merry way. Of course, I found her very attractive and when we spoke, it was so relaxed and easy. So she made an impact on me but again the circumstances didn't present themselves to her sharing a business card with me.

 

So I forgot about it. About a month later she contacts me, by email. I was very pleasantly surprised. She was calling to say hello and asked maybe we could meet, on a certain date. Unfortunately, I couldn't but asked her if we could meet on said day. Unfortunately, she was going back to Brazil. I couldn't change the appointment that I had.

 

The die was cast, we communicated every day after and the bond was growing. Deep discussions etc. including her desire to move to Miami (long before I was in the picture). She comes from a well to do family, so money is not the issue, a visa is. after a couple of months of spending time together, daily electronically, I was falling in love and we both discussed early marriage, for the papers but also for love.

 

She finally returned and despite the understandable nerves of the first meeting, since our introduction, things just took off beautifully. Both very mature, careful but the love fire burned much bigger. To the point where she stayed an extra couple of months, to be with me, she found a job (will not explain) at a Brazilian company, in Miami. We were seeing each other every two days. Everything was beautiful (as is always the case).

 

So physically together for 3 months. He sister and her husband came to visit and we got along fantastically. Out for drinks and dinner, I slept over, had breakfast all of us, etc. The sister loves me (just to offer some context, not a comment reflecting how great I am). Anyway, everything was great.

 

Saying goodbye, was understandably horribly difficult. She has been gone for three months. Currently in Germany helping a girl friend of hers, after a surgery. She has been there 2 weeks or so. Important to note that unless she has wifi, no signal. I take this into consideration.

 

One caveat, on her way to Germany, she has a layover in Rio. While we are talking, she says "OMG, that is one of my ex husbands colleagues, in fact my ex was absolutely convinced we had an affair. My ex was extremely paranoid, I kept telling him that I barely know the man, but he didn't believe me. God it looks like he is on the same flight. Oh he is coming over, I am going to have to call you back...call you back" Call ended.

 

Didn't call me back but texted me from her seat. Horrible seat etc, then a huge heart emoticon. Miss you. I returned it. Off she went. Flight returns because of technical difficulties, no flights out that night. She searches around for another flight out, no good. So she ends up at a beautiful hotel arranged by the airline. So this guy and her (it turns out that it was a group of said professionals, so not just him. Don't hear from her until Midnight, with just want to get good night. Love you.

 

Then next day off at same time.

 

No matter how strong someone is, it is impossible to not conjure up worries if maybe she knew him better than she led on (even if I completely believed her that nothing happened) etc etc. So essentially my mind starts going into warp mode and this lasts for almost 20 hours by the time she reaches her friend in Germany. As soon as she does, she send me a note, long flight exhausted, love you.

 

That was two weeks ago. I didn't let on that I was worried at all. I just jumped right back in, despite the stress I had endured.

 

Over the last couple of weeks, it has gone from communications multiple times a day, with pictures sent etc. Lots of love, still. End of last week I decide that I need to have a general conversation with her about the distance, how we feel about each other, what happens next (Between her uncertainties at home - trial still going for lump spousal support - a Father that had a stroke 17 years ago and who has been in a home for that entire time, who she loves beyond measure. All things that need to be considered as it pertains to a hopeful move to Miami). So you wrap all of this up and you have a woman who is packed to the gills with worries.

 

I have done absolutely everything in my power to give her space and not press on anything. However, in the conversation I did bring up things like what she would do if she found someone else etc. I am a believer that if you don't want to cheat it is well within your power to avoid it, regardless of temptation. She said that she would absolutely tell me and not keep me in limbo. Too honest for that and I believe her (almost entirely). My ex wife found a new man (20 years together, it was time but it still killed) and then my ex did the same after a four year relationship. So my trust in partners has eroded. Most importantly though, I have not imposed these worries on my girlfriend. I have kept it all inside, short of a couple of on the side remarks, which she has said about me too. I djay on the weekends, which puts me in the line of fire but I have assured her that while I am having a blast doing it, that I am not interested in looking for anyone and know how to resist temptation.

 

Her responses are not "don't worry" but rather life sometimes happens but that she was not interested either. Her heart isn't big enough to two interests, etc. Not 100% assuring but I get it.

 

After the conversation we hang up. About two hours later I get a huge " I love you, name. hearts etc." We speak again and she says that our conversation really through her for a loop and that she needed to speak with me to calm her down. (she definitely has anxiety). She is a very classy, well educated, former bally dancer who does not party. She goes out for dinners and drink a couple of glasses of wine but never drunk, always home at a reasonable hour.

 

Communication continues as per normal, kisses and a few misses expressed. There is a language that we have in the relationship with pet names etc.. Communications, however, are diminished because of no connectivity (no wifi, except at home or at her friends shop. So not expecting the usual repeated short communications that were had while she was home. But they have been frequent enough.) Over the last few days, it has been different. Still communications but with less heart, she is more distracted.

 

Yesterday, I helped her with something relating to her apartment and sent a selfie (which I hadn't done in a long time) of me in her apt saying" only one thing missing in this picture it's you." Then explained how it was hard to smell her perfume in her closet and then sent some pictures of project completed.

 

I knew she was having a beer with her friend so I her to have a beer for me (have been to Germany many times). and then walked away knowing that I wasn't going to hear back from her for a bit.

 

a short time later she respond. The initial response is simply the type of beer she was having, the she sent a picture of herself with the beer, to which I responded "both the beer and you look delicious". I said 'Sante" and she replied with Prost. She then sent a picture of her in her friends office.

 

Only after a couple of exchanges does she finally acknowledge the apt (no mention of my picture, where when she sends pictures, I say that I want to jump into the phone. She is private and very sparse expressing outward feelings, so I take this into consideration but she used to express that I was handsome in previous messages. Silly but important )

 

I am little taken aback by the fact that she barely even mentioned the apt and only gave me a mild thanks. At the time, I was picking up my son and he was ready so I said that I had to go. She "blew me a kiss" I did in return. But it was still an uncomfortable exchange.

 

I get home and decide to lay all of my thoughts out in an email. Not relating it to the conversation but just in general. I prefaced that I was not expecting anything from her, regarding the email and that it was being delivered with gently, easy and comfortably.

 

I started by explaining that it had been 30 years since my last LDR and that it was tougher than I remembered. That there are all kinds of things that can be complicated with worries about what the other person is thinking and feeling. that I love her and want this relationship (gave many adult reasons as to why Love her), but that I understood that this was her time to regroup and find herself after a difficult marriage and divorce. That my goal was to be the bright spot in her life to ease her stress in other areas.

 

I went on to explain that understood all of the considerations about a move to Miami, that there are no guarantees but that I wanted to try to fight past the distance and any fears about moving too fast, with a mid term eventuality of our being back together. That I had hopes but would not pressure her.

 

Everything was delivered in such a way as to not add stress. Told her that I was looking forward to seeing her when she comes into town next month.

 

I sent the email, last night, a couple of hours prior to texting her (it was late for her). I texted her to wish her a good night. She responds with "I am not going to bed yet. She offered an elongated "thanks" for the night wishes and the email (which she obviously read). She explained that she was helping her friend with her hair. I did ask her if the email was well received, which she responded with "yes very well received" Said we would talk. I followed with "if it is bad news, I would rather get it now. added a smiley face. Her response was "lol" and then said "go baby, I am sure you need to be with your son" I said that he wasn't here but said, have fun with your friend. We can talk tomorrow. I didn't offer kisses (because I was in a bit of a funk at that point with the days communications.) She gave me a thumbs up! Wow, that was a first. Never had she let me go for the night without at least a kiss. Granted I didn't offer one of my own but did offer a smiley. After reading the calm but heartfelt email, I thought that more emotion would be in her. (silly I know but important to establishing mood even when the mood is actually quite different.)

 

A last point before I ask my questions. I am a musician but haven't composed lately. Last night I pulled out my keyboard with the intention of composing, took a picture and posted it on facebook with a "time to write some music instead of spinning it smileyface ending". I admit that it was kind of a "i am not worried or down about anything right now" (when I really was) broadcast, in case she saw it. This morning, I noticed that she did like the post. Again it all seems to silly to be looking at facebook, as any sort of gauge, especially at my age, but in this era, it can provide a small contact reference point, without actual contact.

 

I have not tried to reach out to her today and it is only 8pm in Germany.

 

OK, so, I would be deeply grateful for any thoughts. Am I over reacting? Is she confused which explains the pulling back a little? Is she starting to drift away? Any suggestions on how to handle this? Do I give her space and not contact her, if she doesn't me?

 

I have fallen in love with this woman, she is calm, unlike all of my other relationships, we speak the same other language, she has traveled as I have my entire life, she is sophisticated, beautiful and classy. I am a very well mannered gentlemen but have tats etc. I know how to dress up. I want this to work and am willing to do a little extra work to as proven above to not let it die because things didn't get passed simply the fun stuff while ensuring not to make it regular and with a little stress. I keep my thoughts and worries to myself.

 

Thank you all very much for reading all of this and I hope that I can get some advice from some of you who have a great deal more experience in the LDR dynamic. My apologies that the message was so long.

Edited July 1, 2016 by MiamiFR

[S2B]

I would chill out and wait until she makes effort.

 

She's got a lot of baggage and has you low on her priority list.

 

The one who cares the least holds the most power - that is her.

 

Don't be needy...stay busy.

[MiamiFR]

Thank you S2B. It just seems odd, she has always been communicative, I mean more than 3 times a day sometimes. Always full of emotion, so it is hard to imagine that in one fell swoop, I have become low priority.

 

However, you are right. Fortunately, I am dejaying two nights this weekend, so plenty to keep me busy and she knows it.

 

I greatly appreciate the sage advice. Man it would stink for this to die.

[S2B]

Thank you S2B. It just seems odd, she has always been communicative, I mean more than 3 times a day sometimes. Always full of emotion, so it is hard to imagine that in one fell swoop, I have become low priority.

 

However, you are right. Fortunately, I am dejaying two nights this weekend, so plenty to keep me busy and she knows it.

 

I greatly appreciate the sage advice. Man it would stink for this to die.

 

But now things have changed a bit... And so it makes you look like you're begging her to pay attention to you - where as - in the beginning that wasn't the case.

 

She has made choices for herself. No one forced her to go far away and take care of her friend. Heck, she may not even be there with who she says - little wifi is often used as a cover when others don't intend to communicate regularly.

 

Have you offered to go there immediately and visit her? What was her response?

 

I'd start dating other women - this one may interest you but she certainly seems to not be willing to settle down and she's definitely keeping her options open.

 

Just don't contact her for a while - see how long it takes her to get in touch with you.

[MiamiFR]

No I believe she is where she says she is. We video conferenced at her friends shop, and she has taken pictures of herself in her friends office etc. She has always been open who she is with (multiple names) etc. Her reasons for being there are so specific that I would be an idiot not to believe her.

 

As for asking to visit her, no but she has joked that she would surprise me just to see if I am behaving. She exhibits jealousy and she has, for the most part, been very clear that we are together.

 

A friend believes that I am being too hasty, however, his advice is the same.

 

She could be leaving her options open and be communicating with someone else. Who knows. She promised honesty and I believe her. There is no reason for her not to be. She could easily just say, I am done. She has said she did this to boyfriends when she was younger, just told them that "she didn't want to be in the relationship anymore". Why would she change the way she does things, for me?

 

I will back off and as mentioned, will be playing two nights this weekend.

 

We shall see. Go easy on me, if I may ask, with the negatives. This is a bit of a shock to me. I know that it is necessary to waken me up but man I wasn't expecting this at all.

 

Again, thank you very much for engaging and for the sage advice.

[MiamiFR]

How should I react when she does contact me. She will. I know that I have to be non heavy but to not even ask would be me just putting my tail between my legs. Do I say "I would really appreciate it if you were honest with me, if you need a break or just to be done, please let me know?" ?

[S2B]

I'm just saying - little contact so she starts chasing again...

 

And I was suggesting YOU visit her and surprise her - not the other way around.

[MiamiFR]

Play it cool, when she calls. I get it. Right now I pitched the email and she acknowledged receipt, so I take a chill.

 

And yes, I understood completely what you meant. I can't visit her and that would come off as too needy, as it wasn't discussed in advance. I mentioned, that she was the one, just last week who was saying that she would fly down by surprise (it was a joke but my dj gig has kept her on her toes. I mean it is guaranteed that there are going to be women there). I am not a player though. =)

 

I need to get my balls back and just play it off when she contacts me, like it was no big deal. No anger, no overt emotions. Anything else and I will blow it.

 

Thank you for softening the tone. I appreciate it. It is hard for me to believe that this could end, like this. There is just too much there, but it could. I mean my email last night was all about my recognizing that she needs to find herself. That I had desires but no expectations. That I understood all of the things that she has going on, It was anti pressure. However, I guess anything is pressure, at this point. I mean I told her that I was planning to attend my nieces wedding, in France, next year and that if we made it that far, that it would be nice to go together. I was clear to emphasize, if we make it.

Edited July 1, 2016 by MiamiFR

[S2B]

Why did you just send an email?

 

You look emotional and needy...she is there and she isn't really jumping at chances to communicate with you.

 

So stop, really - let HER chase you!

 

Don't talk future. She is off doing lots of things that don't include you and you keep standing there saying "oh, poor me, I miss you".

 

 

Just wait... See how long it takes HER to reach out to YOU.

[MiamiFR]

All noted and registered. Thank you S2B. Email was sent because I sensed that she was getting antsy about the future, so the email was to try and simply relieve her of that worry. Shouldn't have done it. Am going to stay quiet and if it is over, it is over. I spent a year alone, after my last break up so am not concerned. Just wanted this one to go further. Obvious given that I have spent this much time relaying my story. Needed a unbiased opinion. You have offered it.

 

Again, greatly appreciated.

[S2B]

It looks more like you were antsy about the future.

 

No need to keep trying to reach her...she will come back when she is ready.

 

In the mean time - can you go on vacation? Even for a few days?

 

I think you should write out your feelings in a journal instead of contacting her.

 

She will contact you when she realizes you've gotten busy living instead of waiting around hoping she's thinking of you.

[MiamiFR]

Maybe you are right S2B, at least as it pertained to my email, because you are absolutely right, as it pertains to how I fell inside.

 

Vacation is not possible, although I am thinking about it.

 

Otherwise, even though I was supposed to DJ tomorrow night and Sunday, I think that I am going to do a three day'er and give this one for free. It is for me anyway, out in the lounge that I call home on Saturday nights, pretty ladies around. I am no shape to be doing anything about it but it will feed my soul, to be out. My Mother who passed, had a birthday yesterday, so it will be kind of a dedication to her while also therapy for me, rather than sitting at home.

 

You have gotten softer towards the end. Thank you. Absolbloodylutely, I have done enough. I don't take this kind of behavior lying down. I have gone from saddened to, well if that is how she wants it. It isn't anger but rather simply "cool" don't get what you have here. I am quite a good looking guy but I am also a long term lover type, but I am no slouch in the department of slow wooing.

 

I love her and want to be with her but, while I do have a tendency to fall, I don't like being taken for granted. Now she chases me. Enough bull****.

 

Can't tell you how much I appreciate your advice.

[MiamiFR]

S2B, in no way do I believe that you have been holding your breath for an update, but you were very kind and responsive, so I just wanted to provide an update.

 

She texted me, last night, saying that she was trying to respond to my email (I completely understand why she was having trouble, 1) technical - only has an ipad with her in Germany 2) What I laid out in that email would require quite emotional and lengthy responses) I cut her off and said that I wasn't expecting a response, I just wanted her to know how I felt about her and the situation.

 

I decided, as mentioned yesterday to DJ (for free) and she caught me when I was beginning my first set. She asked if she could call (instead of email), I gently said that I couldn't, right now for obvious reasons. Told her where I was and what I was doing, she was surprised, I explained that it was my Mother's (who passed a number of years ago) birthday and I wanted to do something in her honor, not having any other way of doing so, so I made a bunch of people happy for a night, gratis.

 

I explained that we would talk tomorrow.

 

Meanwhile, I had posted some pictures of my Mother and I and my girlfriend responded with a sweet paragraph (beautiful mother of a handsome man), and went so far as to "sign" it, love and a heart. More than you needed to know so just for context and again, I do not rely on facebook for communication. Great way to stay in touch with friends (especially my many international friends). I digress.

 

I am going to wait to contact her today. I am tired and not in the mood to chat. This is not a game play, I just want to chill.

 

Now we see where it goes.

 

Thank you again S2B, your advice was exactly what I was required for me to regain my focus and composure.

[Lois_Griffin]

As for asking to visit her, no but she has joked that she would surprise me just to see if I am behaving. She exhibits jealousy and she has, for the most part, been very clear that we are together.

Of course she is. You're her ticket into the US.

She could easily just say, I am done.

And if she finds another sucker willing to marry her after only knowing her for a short while - and he's offering a better deal than you are along WITH the Visa - she very WELL may tell you she's done.

 

I have to tell you - you wouldn't be the first guy bamboozled by a woman into getting married so she could come to the US only to be dumped a couple years later when she got her permanent residency.

I can't visit her and that would come off as too needy, as it wasn't discussed in advance.

So let me understand this.

 

You discussed early marriage 'for the papers' (you said it yourself in your first post) yet wanting to see her while she's supposedly with a girlfriend (which I highly doubt) is needy? Why would wanting to spend time with the woman you're going to marry be considered needy?

 

This whole thing stinks to high heaven.

 

You are SO being taken for a ride.

[S2B]

I do think she has motive to keep you around - while I do think she's also checking out what options she can reel in.

 

Proceed with caution - she's likely using you and you feel hard for her. All her mushiness was to reel you in - she could easily be doing that to someone (or several) new.

 

The intensity dropped off. That's usually because they are using that energy on someone else.

 

Guard your heart. Let her chase. Do not contact until she does first. Stay busy!

 

 

Be realistic that she may be using you and others.

 

 

And please stop making excuses for her changed behavior - you don't have solid evidence that she can't communicate - you're just believing what she's told you.

 

Think on your own - not by what she says - cheaters lie. Do I think she's a cheater? Yes, I do.

 

IF she really loves you and prioritized you she wouldn't have left in the first place. I don't think she's there with her girlfriend. You may be gullible - but I'm not.

[S2B]

Do you have evidence she has family money?

 

Have you given her any money throughout the time you've been seeing her?

[MiamiFR]

Louis, while I appreciate your very curt and unpleasant email. Essentially you are calling me too stupid to be able to understand human nature and that I lack emotional intelligence. It is no surprise that someone would immediately assume that with a Visa it is a con.

 

Her family is worth millions. Before we met she was planning on paying someone to marry her. In other words, she doesn't need me, who is actually fighting my way back up from some heavy financial problems. I have a roommate at 48, never phased her.

 

She is gorgeous and could land anyone she wants, milking me along for some Visa when she isn't even sure if and when she will even come back.

 

Wow what a cynical person. Thank you for trying to make me feel like an ass.

 

SHE DOESN'T NEED ME! GET IT!

[ExpatInItaly]

Hey OP,

 

I think you need to take a deep breath and relax and let her come to you now. You don't need to send any more emails, especially while she is dealing with a hurt friend. It's not the right time to have sent that, but what's done is done. She knows your feelings. Nix the selfies and Facebook posts too for now. They're not the getting the response you desire and will leave you on tenterhooks wondering if she'll notice and respond accordingly.

 

Your posts give the impression that you are very anxious and overthinking a lot of the details. But right now, she can't have a live, in-person talk with you about all of this. Remove some of the pressure on the situation and see what the next few weeks bring.

 

When are you two due to see each other again?

[S2B]

Do you have evidence she has family money?

 

Have you given her any money throughout the time you've been seeing her?

 

These were honest questions based off of what info you've provided... It's not to be cynical - it's to determine what's happened between you two.

[S2B]

These were honest questions based off of what info you've provided... It's not to be cynical - it's to determine what's happened between you two.

 

And since you don't know if/when she might come back - why not start dating?

 

It would be great for you to see who's available in your area... Go have some fun!