My Step-Daughter

[basil67]

My husband is a good man the only man I have known to never raise a hand against me or my daughter. That is why I love him he has faults but he's a good man!

 

Your daughter told him that you plan to divorce him. I notice that you haven't told us that your daughter was lying

 

If he's a good man, why would you tell your daughter that you plan to divorce him.?

[MissCongeniality]

Your daughter told him that you plan to divorce him. I notice that you haven't told us that your daughter was lying

 

If he's a good man, why would you tell your daughter that you plan to divorce him.?

That was years ago I planned on leaving him shortly after I married him. My plans changed.

[RecentChange]

That was years ago I planned on leaving him shortly after I married him. My plans changed.

 

Help us with the time line here. She was 4 when you married him, so you had this discussion about divorcing him when she was...5? 6 years old, or?

 

And she has been holding onto this for nearly a decade and blurted it out now?

 

Mother's and daughters need to have parent child relationships. She isn't your bestie to tell all of your relationship drama to.

 

This whole thing is such an F'ing mess. I feel so bad for the daughter, she didn't ask for any of this. She didn't choose it. The adults around her made terrible choices that she gets to bare the consequences of.

[CarrieT]

She's the one that told me everything about her mother apparently they use to be thick as theives literally when she was a younger. To the point where my wife told her daughter literally everything.

This means that if the girl is 14 years old now, the mother has been sharing information about being a sex worker to a CHILD.

 

Look, I am not against those who are professional dominatrix. I live in a BDSM marriage and know a lot of people in scene. But everything that your wife has done and said is so screwed up on so many levels.

 

I am aghast at this situation. She married you for security and money because she can't take care of herself or her child. She is addicted to the income and the power trips involved with her profession. It is no wonder that girl is so screwed up...

[MissCongeniality]

This means that if the girl is 14 years old now, the mother has been sharing information about being a sex worker to a CHILD.

 

Look, I am not against those who are professional dominatrix. I live in a BDSM marriage and know a lot of people in scene. But everything that your wife has done and said is so screwed up on so many levels.

 

I am aghast at this situation. She married you for security and money because she can't take care of herself or her child. She is addicted to the income and the power trips involved with her profession. It is no wonder that girl is so screwed up...

I never shared any information to my daughter about my job!

[noelle303]

I never shared any information to my daughter about my job!

 

But you confided in her about your marital problems and how you plan on divorcing her stepfather?

 

Can you see how that's not exactly appropriate and how your daughter's antagonism towards your husband could have developed from you sharing your personal marital relationship with her?

[Robert]

Folks,

 

Please focus on the threadstarter's situation in the original post. His wife has her own threads here that you can respond to.

 

Thanks,

~6

 

My step daughter and I don't get a long and never have not even since she was a child. I think she's a punk and has zero respect for me. She always screams "Your not my dad so don't act like it!" I can't stand when people say I have four kids when I have three I always have to remind people she's not my kid. Besides she doesn't even have my last name.

 

I really don't like her she's been arrested for graffiti multiple times and calls it art. It's not art it's vandalism. I swear she's nothing but a disrespectful punk and I hate that people think we're related.

 

All that brat does is give me dirty looks and insults me. Yet her mother always defends her. I swear she's probably going to end up in prison like her real dad. She's completely irresponsible and always has her head in the clouds. She is always saying she's going to be an artist or some nonsense like that she has no goals or desires to get a real job.

 

I feel she's a lost cause.

[ChickiePops]

MrC what are YOU doing to be a good step father and husband?

[MrCongeniality]

MrC what are YOU doing to be a good step father and husband?

Currently I am thinking about asking my wife to leave not permanently just till we can all sort this mess out. I've been thinking about this in depth the last few days and I've coe to the conclusion that while my wife is not entirely to blame she is a serious peice of the puzzle.

 

I had a talk with my step daughter and acknowledged I hadn't been the best father figure to her. I told her I would try to do better. Honestly I don't want to ask my wife to leave because this will be the second time(granted I actually threw out the first time because we had the worst fight and I was so angry I grabbed her by the arm and threw her out into the snow) and I don't know what to tell the rest of the kids.

 

Also when I said that bit about her telling me everything I meant she told me everything about the plan her mom had in the beginning of our marriage. How she figured out about her mom's job neither of us are completely sure. I'm hesitant to ask her mom to leave because I feel like I've made progress with my step daughter and she worships her mother comepletely idolizes her and I'm worried asking her mom to leave will be like taking ten steps back.

Edited July 7, 2016 by MrCongeniality

[beatcuff]

... I'm worried asking her mom to leave will be like taking ten steps back.

 

everyone involved is so worried about taking a serious look at the ENTIRE situation nothing happens: you are running on auto-pilot a/k/a if we just ignore it, it will get better. as adults that is easy, not as a teen.

 

i'm not saying leave your wife, instead you should fix your problems with your wife FIRST, then move onto your daughter. right now it appears you are fighting a two front battle and have lost (you just don't realize it).

[ChickiePops]

Ok, that's a decent start. Now are you going to act on it and proactively be a better father?

 

Moving out would probably be good. Does she have somewhere she can take the kids and stay?

 

Also are you in anger management? Your wife said above that you don't hit her but physically throwing her out the door is absolutely domestic abuse and if you've assaulted her once, you'll do it again. What steps are you taking to ensure that you will never lay a hand on her or on any of the children again?

[anika99]

Insist on counselling for everyone, especially your stepdaughter.

[MrCongeniality]

Ok, that's a decent start. Now are you going to act on it and proactively be a better father?

 

Moving out would probably be good. Does she have somewhere she can take the kids and stay?

 

Also are you in anger management? Your wife said above that you don't hit her but physically throwing her out the door is absolutely domestic abuse and if you've assaulted her once, you'll do it again. What steps are you taking to ensure that you will never lay a hand on her or on any of the children again?

I admit I could have handled the situation better but the first time I asked her to leave she refused then I demanded she leave and she refused then I packed her a bag dragged her to the door and she fell out into the snow. Not my best moment I still cant believe I did it that is not how I usually act I just remember feeling so betrayed and angry and I remember just the sight of her made those feelings stir.

 

I don't think its wise to let the kids go with her. I have started seeing a professional though.

[ChickiePops]

I admit I could have handled the situation better but the first time I asked her to leave she refused then I demanded she leave and she refused then I packed her a bag dragged her to the door and she fell out into the snow. Not my best moment I still cant believe I did it that is not how I usually act I just remember feeling so betrayed and angry and I remember just the sight of her made those feelings stir.

 

I don't think its wise to let the kids go with her. I have started seeing a professional though.

 

So you don't think she's a good mother?

 

Thank goodness you're seeing a professional. Perhaps they can help you find a family counselor as well. Your step daughter needs this.

[MrCongeniality]

So you don't think she's a good mother?

 

Thank goodness you're seeing a professional. Perhaps they can help you find a family counselor as well. Your step daughter needs this.

No I just feel she could make better choices and that she doesn't know how to. I don't doubt that she loves her children but she's prone to bad decision making.

[turnera]

She has always been my priority! Before I met him we were barely getting by! I went days without food just so she wouldn't starve. I get my daughter has issues but I would rather her hate me and be alive than love me and be dead!

 

Oh and as for my so called saintly sister I went to her when I was pregnant and begged for a place to stay and she turned me away because she didn't want someone of my element around her family. I was a teen when that happened.

So...he provides money and for that, you allow your daughter to grow up hating herself because everyone else seems to?

 

So it's been ten years. Are you no better off financially that you could let you daughter grow up in a home where she feels no stress and hatred?

[turnera]

I have tried to bond with her but it never ends well. I just gave up and the reason I've been so vocal about my anger towards my step daughter is that she said some things to me that really cut deep.

Huh? She's a CHILD! That's what kids do! It's YOUR job to be the adult and KNOW that she's just a kid and not therefore punish her for things she says!

 

I still remember telling my dad once, when I was about 10 or 12, that he had gained weight. He went on to berate me for being mean and disgusting and a horrible person! That one event was SO traumatic that it was engraved on my brain, how horrible I felt and was, I suspect, the beginning of the reason I developed Toxic Shame.

 

That was just one two-minute event.

 

Think how much of that you've been doing to her.

 

ETA: Your later posts show you at least understand what's going on and seem to genuinely want to improve. So my advice is (1) get a vasectomy so this doesn't get even worse, (2) continue going to your IC, (3) get your wife to an IC long term, every week, and (4) find a good family counselor and the three of you start going regularly. It will be the best money you guys ever spend. You will learn a LOT and find ways to deal with issues without anger.

Edited July 8, 2016 by turnera

[ChickiePops]

No I just feel she could make better choices and that she doesn't know how to. I don't doubt that she loves her children but she's prone to bad decision making.

 

I think you're right about the bolded.

 

I really disliked you at first but you're starting to grow on me a bit. You seem genuine about wanting to change and that's important. Is your wife open to making some changes and getting some counseling as well?

 

I'm glad you're getting professional help..I still think anger management would be beneficial..getting physical with your spouse is NEVER ok..but I leave that up to your healthcare professional.

 

Family counseling is a must though. Please..follow through on the conversation you had with your stepdaughter, and start treating her as a real father would. Maybe make an effort to spend one on one time with her. She needs you, desperately. Her real father has been in prison..he's definitely not going to be in any fit state to parent her when he gets out. You're the only father figure she has ever had and she needs you..you've been her father longer than her bio dad has.

 

And please stop saying she's not yours. That probably kills her. Even if she says it to you, you should tell her that you've been in her life for a long time and you think of yourself as her dad regardless. Anyone can donate sperm, but it takes time and effort to be a father.

[noelle303]

I think you're right about the bolded.

 

I really disliked you at first but you're starting to grow on me a bit. You seem genuine about wanting to change and that's important. Is your wife open to making some changes and getting some counseling as well?

 

I'm glad you're getting professional help..I still think anger management would be beneficial..getting physical with your spouse is NEVER ok..but I leave that up to your healthcare professional.

 

Family counseling is a must though. Please..follow through on the conversation you had with your stepdaughter, and start treating her as a real father would. Maybe make an effort to spend one on one time with her. She needs you, desperately. Her real father has been in prison..he's definitely not going to be in any fit state to parent her when he gets out. You're the only father figure she has ever had and she needs you..you've been her father longer than her bio dad has.

 

And please stop saying she's not yours. That probably kills her. Even if she says it to you, you should tell her that you've been in her life for a long time and you think of yourself as her dad regardless. Anyone can donate sperm, but it takes time and effort to be a father.

 

Agreed. And please don't belittle her talents and interests. She is currently interested in arts, instead of telling her that that is not a proper job, sign her up for some art lessons and encourage her.

 

She's 14, for all you know she could turn to something completely different in a year or two, but it is important that she knows she is valued and supported.

[MrCongeniality]

I need to ask one more thing is asking her to leave really the right thing to do? What if she has no where to go do I still follow through with it?

[ChickiePops]

The more important question is what about your step daughter? Would she go with your unstable wife, or stay with the step father who has rejected her for years?

 

Does she have a safe adult to go to?

[basil67]

I need to ask one more thing is asking her to leave really the right thing to do? What if she has no where to go do I still follow through with it?

 

I'm not so sure about asking her to leave as a first step. I'd be more inclined to ask her to leave if she refuses to start healthy parenting courses and attend counselling.

 

Perhaps come up with a plan of what needs to happen in order to make this family more healthy (ie; counselling, communication strategies) and then work out a plan of how you'll make those things happen.

 

Frankly, I'm worried that your wife won't make the changes necessary. From what we know of her, she seems very quick to deny any suggestion that her actions have contributed to what's going on with her daughter. Also very quick to put the blame on others (her daughter, her sister). In short, everyone is to blame except herself. While this attitude is prevalent, she will not open up to learning new ways to be. We all know she's had a rough childhood, but she's now an adult and needs to learn to look at herself honestly and take responsibility for her choices both past and present.

[MrCongeniality]

I'm not so sure about asking her to leave as a first step. I'd be more inclined to ask her to leave if she refuses to start healthy parenting courses and attend counselling.

 

Perhaps come up with a plan of what needs to happen in order to make this family more healthy (ie; counselling, communication strategies) and then work out a plan of how you'll make those things happen.

 

Frankly, I'm worried that your wife won't make the changes necessary. From what we know of her, she seems very quick to deny any suggestion that her actions have contributed to what's going on with her daughter. Also very quick to put the blame on others (her daughter, her sister). In short, everyone is to blame except herself. While this attitude is prevalent, she will not open up to learning new ways to be. We all know she's had a rough childhood, but she's now an adult and needs to learn to look at herself honestly and take responsibility for her choices both past and present.

Yeah I should probably only ask her to leave as a last resort. That might be jumping the gun a bit.

[turnera]

At least you're open to learning and being honest about yourself. They both need that at the moment. And if you try, and it still fails, at least you know you tried.