My Step-Daughter

[anika99]

Part of the problem also is that the mom was keeping secrets from her husband but her daughter was aware of what her mom was doing and mom had her daughter join her in the deceit of her husband. In doing so the mom made her husband look like a fool to her daughter. How could the daughter ever respect a man who was being so disrespected by her mother?

[MrCongeniality]

Part of the problem also is that the mom was keeping secrets from her husband but her daughter was aware of what her mom was doing and mom had her daughter join her in the deceit of her husband. In doing so the mom made her husband look like a fool to her daughter. How could the daughter ever respect a man who was being so disrespected by her mother?

Exactly look I level with you all alot of what I was posting was in the heat of the moment I'm much calmer now.

 

When I first met my wife I had no idea she was a mom and I almost called it quits. However I decided to look past it. I tried over the years to get to know her daughter but her daughter is as guarded as her mother. Over the years I just gave up and became more authoritarian towards her and she in return became more antagonistic.

 

The thing with my wife you need to understand is she acts strong and self assured but really she's very fragile and emotionally needy.

[ChickiePops]

Exactly look I level with you all alot of what I was posting was in the heat of the moment I'm much calmer now.

 

When I first met my wife I had no idea she was a mom and I almost called it quits. However I decided to look past it. I tried over the years to get to know her daughter but her daughter is as guarded as her mother. Over the years I just gave up and became more authoritarian towards her and she in return became more antagonistic.

 

The thing with my wife you need to understand is she acts strong and self assured but really she's very fragile and emotionally needy.

 

Please stop making this little girl feel unloved and unwanted. Please stop telling people she's not yours. You married her mother. You are the only father figure she knows. She IS yours..you accepted that when you married her mother. They were a package deal. You are seriously damaging her as a human being. She needs you as much as she needs her mother.

 

The two of you need to grow up, stop whining about this kid and get her some help. Of course she's angry..her biological father is absent and apparently a nut, her mother appears to be unstable, and her step father has rejected her. What adults can she turn to? Not to mention the fact that she's a teenager with raging hormones.

 

Please please give her a break. A huge one. Please get her the help she's desperately crying out for. She needs some love and care and some stability, she doesn't need to be screamed at and rejected anymore.

 

If you two cannot do this, I hope you'll find someone who can. Perhaps your wife's older sister can provide a more loving and stable environment. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying it for the sake of your step daughters mental health.

 

The two of you are ruining her. Please start acting like parents.

 

Take it from someone who's clawed her way out of an incredibly painful and difficult childhood and who is still scarred by it.

[noelle303]

Exactly look I level with you all alot of what I was posting was in the heat of the moment I'm much calmer now.

 

When I first met my wife I had no idea she was a mom and I almost called it quits. However I decided to look past it. I tried over the years to get to know her daughter but her daughter is as guarded as her mother. Over the years I just gave up and became more authoritarian towards her and she in return became more antagonistic.

The thing with my wife you need to understand is she acts strong and self assured but really she's very fragile and emotionally needy.

 

I'm sorry, are you surprised by this?

 

You can't demand respect when you don't give it back. You think of her as a lost cause who's going to end up in prison. How can you possibly parent her when that's your opinion of her? Not to mention, the girl probably feels wortless and she probably DOES feel like a lost cause because she senses that you think that if her.

 

You're supposed to be the mature adult. When a child doesn't immediately accept you, you shouldn'r respond with the immature "Well, I don't like you either". They need you to be patient and loving the most precisely when they are pushing you away. That's parenthood. If you couldn't accept it, you shouldn't have gotten involved.

 

You and your wife need parenting classes. I recommend that you seek help from professionals and if possible, attend family therapy with the daughter.

 

As for MissCongeniality - yes, putfing food on the table is important. But children have emotional and psychological needs as well, and you and your husband severely neglected them.

[King Me]

Your daughter was 4 years old when you got together? That's very sad for her to have to grow up in this situation.

No kidding. She's been living in a household where she is hated almost all her young life. I'm sorry but reading this makes me angry.

 

You and your husband are creating a person who will have many extra problems living a successful and happy life. Why?

[King Me]

She has always been my priority! Before I met him we were barely getting by! I went days without food just so she wouldn't starve. I get my daughter has issues but I would rather her hate me and be alive than love me and be dead!

What country do you live in? Here we don't have children starving to death, as long as the adults have it together enough to go to the welfare office.

[anika99]

She has always been my priority! Before I met him we were barely getting by! I went days without food just so she wouldn't starve. I get my daughter has issues but I would rather her hate me and be alive than love me and be dead!

 

Oh and as for my so called saintly sister I went to her when I was pregnant and begged for a place to stay and she turned me away because she didn't want someone of my element around her family. I was a teen when that happened.

 

Oh the drama!! where are the smelling salts? ...Please spare me. I raised two kids working minimum wage jobs. We were certainly poor but nobody died. How many stories have you read about somebody's kids starving to death because their parents opted to work low paying jobs rather than turn to sex work? Give me a break.

[MissCongeniality]

Oh the drama!! where are the smelling salts? ...Please spare me. I raised two kids working minimum wage jobs. We were certainly poor but nobody died. How many stories have you read about somebody's kids starving to death because their parents opted to work low paying jobs rather than turn to sex work? Give me a break.

Oh so I'm the bad guy because I wanted to make a better life for my daughter? I'm the bad guy because I didn't want her to grow up poor? Im the bad guy because I didn't want to worry about money?

[noelle303]

Oh so I'm the bad guy because I wanted to make a better life for my daughter? I'm the bad guy because I didn't want her to grow up poor? Im the bad guy because I didn't want to worry about money?

 

What we're saying is that there were surely better ways of providing for her than sticking her with a stepfather who, by his own admission, hates her.

[BlueIris]

Oh so I'm the bad guy because I wanted to make a better life for my daughter? I'm the bad guy because I didn't want her to grow up poor? Im the bad guy because I didn't want to worry about money?

 

Yes. You are. Opportunism does not make you a Good Guy.

 

You’ve lied to your husband many times. You put his work and future at risk every day. Your child is in trouble. And your secret isn’t a secret since something seems to have happened at her school that she is bearing the brunt of and a friend’s husband wanted to have sex with you.

 

Be what you wish and take the foreseeable consequences, but you can’t lay claim to the victim status.

[basil67]

Oh so I'm the bad guy because I wanted to make a better life for my daughter? I'm the bad guy because I didn't want her to grow up poor? Im the bad guy because I didn't want to worry about money?

 

You're the bad guy because you are raising your daughter under the same roof as your partner who openly hates her. She's in all kinds of trouble, but you seem to prioritise your own relationship.

[turnera]

Ok, I get it, you're the mister in this relationship.

 

So how often do you have to calm down?

[turnera]

Over the years I just gave up and became more authoritarian towards her and she in return became more antagonistic.

Since you know the term authoritarian, I'm going to assume you know what it means. That you know that it's the absolute worst way to raise a child and is guaranteed to produce a child who is confrontational, mad, defensive, and unwilling to trust you.

[noelle303]

Since you know the term authoritarian, I'm going to assume you know what it means. That you know that it's the absolute worst way to raise a child and is guaranteed to produce a child who is confrontational, mad, defensive, and unwilling to trust you.

 

Exactly. VERY different that authoritative, and it concerns me that you're so openly admitting all these things.

[MissCongeniality]

You're the bad guy because you are raising your daughter under the same roof as your partner who openly hates her. She's in all kinds of trouble, but you seem to prioritise your own relationship.

 

So what do I do? Take the my younger kids away from from their dad just because their big sister doesn't get along with him? He's not abusive he just yells when she trashes something in the house or she gets arrested. That's not abusive I know what abuse is. As for my sister she's worse my husband just doesn't call her his daughter and she's not his daughter.

[basil67]

So what do I do? Take the my younger kids away from from their dad just because their big sister doesn't get along with him? He's not abusive he just yells when she trashes something in the house or she gets arrested. That's not abusive I know what abuse is. As for my sister she's worse my husband just doesn't call her his daughter and she's not his daughter.

 

No, you lay down the law that if he's to stay with you, he must accept your oldest daughter. He must be supportive of her and show her that no matter how much she tries to push him away, he will always be there for her.

 

And you MUST get all three of you into family counselling. Your partner needs to attend if he's to stay in the house with you. Your daughter has needs which aren't being met and you must find out what they are and how to address them. Otherwise, she's going to repeat your history. Look where having a dysfunctional family left you.

 

Remember your last post where you wanted to leave rather than screw your kids up? We all told you to stay, but to make better choices. These current issues are the exact type of thing where you need to be a more proactive mother.

Edited July 4, 2016 by basil67

[doble]

You hid your daughter from MrC, in the beginning because you needed a meal ticket. He found out, was angry. You convinced him you would look after her, she would not be his responsibility. He bowed to your will, and you got your meal ticket.

Now after 10 years of knowing he dislikes her, doesn't care about her, and per MrC's words is a brat nee juvenile delinquent. She is the poster girl for problem children. Where were you during this time? Didn't you see what was happening, or were you to busy with your domination job....

Why is it always someone else's fault, and never yours?

You blame your sister for turning you away because she did not want your influence in her family. I can understand that.

So you lied and latched onto a meal ticket, and here you are, with a poor child who for 10 years was never loved.

Your daughter is hurting and messed up, her step father hates her guts, and you do nothing to protect her. In fact you perpetuate it by telling all that she isn't his daughter.

 

This is one of the most dysfunctional families I have ever seen. Time for you to wake up and become a mother for your daughter. She is crying for help.

Edited July 5, 2016 by doble

[LastAcorn99]

Being a blended family is tough for both parties, and I’m sure that step-parenting a teenager must be even more challenging. I can understand your frustration; at the same time, I believe that your stepdaughter is crying out for love and attention. I would suggest that your family seek the help of a professional counselor. Sending you prayers.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My step daughter and I don't get a long and never have not even since she was a child. I think she's a punk and has zero respect for me. She always screams "Your not my dad so don't act like it!" I can't stand when people say I have four kids when I have three I always have to remind people she's not my kid. Besides she doesn't even have my last name.

 

I really don't like her she's been arrested for graffiti multiple times and calls it art. It's not art it's vandalism. I swear she's nothing but a disrespectful punk and I hate that people think we're related.

 

All that brat does is give me dirty looks and insults me. Yet her mother always defends her. I swear she's probably going to end up in prison like her real dad. She's completely irresponsible and always has her head in the clouds. She is always saying she's going to be an artist or some nonsense like that she has no goals or desires to get a real job.

 

I feel she's a lost cause.

 

 

 

 

I don't have to imagine I know. I have a step mother and when I first met her I was very young. She made it clear that she was not my mother and I was not her son. Her motto was if "You don't take the carrot you get the stick."

 

 

 

Man, this is a puzzle.

 

 

If we were talking about a common theme that was alcoholism, it would be as clear as a bell that Mr. C. just repeated the same environment he knew in his formative years. (and his parents would be to blame for that)

 

 

SO the motivational factor here needs to be that you don't want this 14yo who still has a chance, at that age, to go out and continue the same cycle that you yourself have participated in. (perhaps as much for you and your partner not wanting to spend your later years immersed in the girl's problems, AND having those problems infest the rest of the kids along the way, as for any other reason)

 

 

Lots of people are scolding you here for stuff that has long ago gone under the bridge, but all that really matters is where you are right NOW. Ultimately you're just going to have to stop strong-arming this girl, and instead be bold enough to show some (more) vulnerability to help her get back to the right track.

 

This taking it out on the girl, for her mom having deceived you early, makes about as much sense at 14 as it would have at age 4.

 

So, the best way to orchestrate the vulnerability you need to share together with this girl is to see a suitable councilor/therapist to guide you toward setting-up the vulnerability you so sorely need to share with her.

 

 

When you consented to partner-up with her mother so many years ago, there is no other implication than that you signed-on for the all or nothing to which all fathers should be bound. That is precisely why some adoptive parents are seen by the courts to have parental rights even with children who are not their own biological kids.

 

This has been on you from the start, and you just need to man-up and do it right, even though the next 3 or 4 years have no chance to offset 10 years of your mistakes and impropriety.

 

 

You have for all this time been taking it out on an innocent (4yo) that her mother deceived you way back when.

 

 

 

(*** PS - you are off the hook IF the mom didn't divulge the daughter until after your 3rd wedding anniversary... but we have a feeling that you knew full well before you married her mother, that there was a daughter involved)

[MrCongeniality]

Being a blended family is tough for both parties, and I’m sure that step-parenting a teenager must be even more challenging. I can understand your frustration; at the same time, I believe that your stepdaughter is crying out for love and attention. I would suggest that your family seek the help of a professional counselor. Sending you prayers.

I'll try it honestly part of the reason I try not getting close to my step daughter is I know her real dad will be getting out of prison and I have tried to bond with her but it never ends well. I just gave up and the reason I've been so vocal about my anger towards my step daughter is that she said some things to me that really cut deep.

 

She's the one that told me everything about her mother apparently they use to be thick as theives literally when she was a younger. To the point where my wife told her daughter literally everything. A few months ago my step daughter and I were having dinner together and I tried mending fences saying I'd like like to be closer and she snapped screaming that her mom promised I wasn't going to be in the picture for very long.

 

I get I don't treat her like I should and that's my fault. I should have tried harder and not let her push me away. It's just after she told me everything about how her mom originally planned to divorce me and how she found out (through the internet) about her mom's job I've been furious.

 

Before all this we were at least civil. Now though since these secrets came out it's like there's this unspoken animosity between us. If there is one thing my wife and I have in common it's we hide our feelings with anger and what really feel is that I'm afraid of getting close to her and forming a bond that will fade.

 

Also there's the matter of her real dad I don't want it to feel like I'm trying to take her dad's place.

[basil67]

I'll try it honestly part of the reason I try not getting close to my step daughter is I know her real dad will be getting out of prison and I have tried to bond with her but it never ends well. I just gave up and the reason I've been so vocal about my anger towards my step daughter is that she said some things to me that really cut deep.

 

She's the one that told me everything about her mother apparently they use to be thick as theives literally when she was a younger. To the point where my wife told her daughter literally everything. A few months ago my step daughter and I were having dinner together and I tried mending fences saying I'd like like to be closer and she snapped screaming that her mom promised I wasn't going to be in the picture for very long.

 

I get I don't treat her like I should and that's my fault. I should have tried harder and not let her push me away. It's just after she told me everything about how her mom originally planned to divorce me and how she found out (through the internet) about her mom's job I've been furious.

 

Before all this we were at least civil. Now though since these secrets came out it's like there's this unspoken animosity between us. If there is one thing my wife and I have in common it's we hide our feelings with anger and what really feel is that I'm afraid of getting close to her and forming a bond that will fade.

 

Also there's the matter of her real dad I don't want it to feel like I'm trying to take her dad's place.

 

 

This is all so sad.

 

She was just a kid mouthing off things said by her mother. If you're to be furious at anyone here, it's your wife who deserves your anger and hurt - not the child. It's your wife who's doing the things which cut you deep.

 

You say her father is getting out of jail soon. What type of father figure is he? Will he actually be a good role model? If he's another one out there making bad choices, it's all the more reason she needs you to be solid. If it turns out that he's a really good bloke who is law abiding, then you can support the relationship they have as well as be caring when she's not with him.

[beatcuff]

it is very apparent there are numerous issues, far too many to handle on this board. and its obvious OP is 'up against it' a/k/a mom is doing you no favors.

 

a relationship is like a house, you built it SLOWLY. and at times either side can tear down a section. your job, with a teenager is to minimize the damage by BACKING AWAY (let her do the damage) then start the rebuilding. right now you have nothing. so its time to lay down the first block in the foundation by --- in a quiet moment ask her to chat --- then apologize "sorry i have acted the way i did and the things i have said" adding examples is a good way to 'connect'. do not expect her say much, actually its better she says nothing. then the next day say 'good morning'. that's it. after coming home ask 'how was your day'. expect a 'whatever' response or lots of grunts. do that each AND every day. consider each day another block in the foundation. at first she will wonder what is happening, then assume its a plot against her but eventually and over an extended period she will say more.

 

this also means YOU start saying i have FOUR children (leave 'step' out of it).

 

in about six months arrange to go to an art exhibit. i said arrange --- that means find one in which the artist started as a graffiti artist then moved on. talk to the artist ahead of time with goal that they could connect to her --- she will realize what you have done.

 

the next time she is 'arrested' or in trouble --- no preaching no nothing. bail her out, drive her home.

 

eventually you can talk about your childhood, your problems with your parents, authorities and how as you aged your outlook changed.

 

the keys: it will not happen overnight, there will be setbacks (some worse than others), YOU are driving this so YOU can not add gasoline to the situation, YOU need to emphasize the good and minimize the bad.

 

good luck.

[Cherryz]

Its sad reading the mothers replys.

 

You team up against your child with this man.

 

I think maybe you do it because he is the only one that bring the money in?

So you dont want to confront him so he may leave?

 

What about finding at least par-time job of at-least 2 hours a day.

Find your independence back even if its a bit and stand for all your 4 kids!

 

Men come and go! yOUR KIDS ARE YOUR BLOOD!

You need to protect them. Even animals figth for their kids even if its against the father.

You have to be stronger. Your husband should choose to man up to do what a father do for all your kids or move out of the way!

 

And get family therapy. To deal with the issues like : you lying about not having kids and him being this way with your kid.

And its bad that you lied. take your responsibility for lying. But the fact is also there are 4 kids that need to be treated equal!

 

No one is on this kids side. I hope she dont end up in gangs and in a type of rage that

will cost lives.

[anika99]

I'll try it honestly part of the reason I try not getting close to my step daughter is I know her real dad will be getting out of prison and I have tried to bond with her but it never ends well. I just gave up and the reason I've been so vocal about my anger towards my step daughter is that she said some things to me that really cut deep.

 

She's the one that told me everything about her mother apparently they use to be thick as theives literally when she was a younger. To the point where my wife told her daughter literally everything. A few months ago my step daughter and I were having dinner together and I tried mending fences saying I'd like like to be closer and she snapped screaming that her mom promised I wasn't going to be in the picture for very long.

 

I get I don't treat her like I should and that's my fault. I should have tried harder and not let her push me away. It's just after she told me everything about how her mom originally planned to divorce me and how she found out (through the internet) about her mom's job I've been furious.

 

Before all this we were at least civil. Now though since these secrets came out it's like there's this unspoken animosity between us. If there is one thing my wife and I have in common it's we hide our feelings with anger and what really feel is that I'm afraid of getting close to her and forming a bond that will fade.

 

Also there's the matter of her real dad I don't want it to feel like I'm trying to take her dad's place.

 

Again, all I can say is that poor confused child. Her mother created this whole situation. It's sick how much she used her kid as a best friend instead of being a mother to her. By the sounds of it whenever your wife gets upset with you she goes whispering to her daughter about how unhappy she is and how she is going to leave you soon. Naturally the poor kid is going to sympathize with her mother and see you as the common enemy. I think her mother has pretty destroyed any chances of you ever having any kind of a meaningful relationship with the girl. Now all you can do is just stay out of the problems with her and when she pisses you off just remind yourself that she is confused and not at fault for the way her mom messed her up.

 

I'd recommend counselling for everyone but months ago people here suggested to your wife that she get that girl to therapist and your wife shot down that suggestion in two seconds flat. Some nonsense about not trusting a counsellor to positively influence the daughter but I thinks it's more because she doesn't want her daughter telling anyone about all the things her mother has exposed her to. So much sickness between those two and all perpetuated by the mom. Just try to be a friend to the girl whenever an opportunity arises. Your kindness may not seem to have any impact right now but when she gets older it will mean a lot to her.

[MissCongeniality]

Its sad reading the mothers replys.

 

You team up against your child with this man.

 

I think maybe you do it because he is the only one that bring the money in?

So you dont want to confront him so he may leave?

 

What about finding at least par-time job of at-least 2 hours a day.

Find your independence back even if its a bit and stand for all your 4 kids!

 

Men come and go! yOUR KIDS ARE YOUR BLOOD!

You need to protect them. Even animals figth for their kids even if its against the father.

You have to be stronger. Your husband should choose to man up to do what a father do for all your kids or move out of the way!

 

And get family therapy. To deal with the issues like : you lying about not having kids and him being this way with your kid.

And its bad that you lied. take your responsibility for lying. But the fact is also there are 4 kids that need to be treated equal!

 

No one is on this kids side. I hope she dont end up in gangs and in a type of rage that

will cost lives.

 

My husband is a good man the only man I have known to never raise a hand against me or my daughter. That is why I love him he has faults but he's a good man!