Left MM, now leave husband too?

[so what now]

Hi all I`ve been lurking for a while..

 

Back story: Met MM through my one of my husbands works social gathering. Sounds cliché but as soon as we both saw each other we stood staring at each other like a deer in headlights..he was 23 I was 31.. We flirted with each other on more work socials, my husband knew we were attracted to each other but rather than complain he seemed to find it flattering that his co worker was attracted to me? I never knew if he was turned on by it or just didn`t give a s@%t?

 

Not then married MM was having girlfriend trouble and rang our house one day to ask my advice as a woman and I remember thinking he was such a sweet heart, I felt bad for him because he was upset.. then we only saw each other occasionally at other gatherings, Christmas drinks with the lads, a friends wedding, that sort of thing and life goes on... for the next 4 years.. Meanwhile my children were growing up and at university, etc..

 

And one day I walk into the dining room and see the back of my husbands head as he was busy playing some game on the PC and realise I don’t know this man and the thought of potentially spending the next 30/40 years of my life with just him scared me..

 

We have never been a close couple, no emotional closeness, we talked but with no communication, we had sex but with no intimacy, we lived together but apart, and I dedicated to my energy to raising the children... which felt like I did it alone.. I felt well, empty and invisible.

 

Then one day I got a social media message from not then married MM, who I’d not seen for a couple of years... I was weak, I was lonely and I wanted someone to notice me.. I was alive but dead inside.. He (MM) was engaged by this time... but I met him... I knew deep down for me to do that there was something so wrong with my marriage 6 weeks after the first meet with MM I left my husband, lived with friends before getting my own flat. Never quite ending it with my husband and continued to see MM.. My husband begged me not to leave him and for the first time I saw some emotion from him and I felt awful. He told me he thought I didnt try to work on things, he assumed I was happy and didnt have a clue I wasn’t, and asked me to come back and give it one last try.. and I agreed, I thought I took the easy way out.. I met someone else, fell in love and buggered off!! I knew I didnt give our marriage 100% so I left and went back home.. I didnt see MM for a good few months but I missed him terribly.

 

Then one day my husband comes and tells me MM is getting married.. and my world fell apart.. long story short.. I packed up my youngest son and went on holiday while he got married, then 3 days after his wedding he texted me.. I cant remember what we talked about but eventually I saw him again and it carried on in total for 8 and a half years! at one stage I left my husband again and lived on my own for 3 years but I realised that MM was never going to leave his now wife.. I went crawling back to the husband, whom I had filed divorce to but was too selfish to really let it go when I knew there was no hope for MM and I.

 

The final straw for me was when MM told me he had health problems and needed some space to think cos he was worried it was something serious.. and I being the selfish bitch I am made it all about me, but with thinking on he put a massive wall in between us by pushing me away when I wanted to be there the most for him. And finally I had to accept, when he was in a crisis it was not me he turned to but the woman he was married to and reality was there in my face.. and I ended it.. I have cut him off, deleted my email account, gone NC. Yes we’ve done it before but this, this is different, this is me waking up. This is me taking responsibility for the misery I have caused myself (and others) with the longing and pining and hoping, lying and cheating and .. and utter bullsh*t! mostly being a weak effing coward!! and just plain having enough!

 

This day 6, and I don’t know if I'm being over dramatic or not, but I looked at my husband sleeping next to me this morning and I was numb.. and I don’t think I want to be here with him either? But I'm not sure if its just because I'm a bit emotionally raw at the moment.. I don’t know what to think any more.

 

I don’t know what Im asking? I don’t know what im going to do in this next five minutes let alone how the rest of my life is going to pan out!

 

I sitting here in shock, scared of the future, scared of my shadow.

Edited July 2, 2016 by so what now

[Poppy47]

Glad you cut him off. Don't feel bad.... somebody else will look out for him.

 

Now it's all about you. Look out for yourself an your family.

 

Poppy.

[Rea]

I don't really have any strong advice for you, but you sound painfully confused and I didn't feel I should read and run.

 

At least you are taking steps to move forward. You in NC with xOMM. You are admitting to the issues you are having with your H, so you have already started to move forward with this.

 

Your H deserves to live an authentic life, as do you. Neither of you are as things currently stand.

 

Have you had IC or MC? Sounds like IC could be helpful in giving you a safe place to explore your feelings.

 

Take care of you.

[not-so-sure]

Get your head clear of the mm before you make any choices re your husband.

[so what now]

I think I will see my doctor about trying IC but not MC I couldn`t really commit to it knowing I would have to spill the beans, yes he deserves to life an authentic life but I dont think I need to take him down with me. I think if I could figure out my issues i might feel better.. fear of abandonment being a big one.. how funny is it its my biggest fear and yet being in a PA for me was the definition of abandonment!

 

I dont think I love my husband? but after 24 years together I do think its terminal, so many reasons why, so many reasons why 8 and half years ago I should have walked away and stayed gone, but (and this is my excuse for not staying gone) after never having that sort of stability in life before him (childhood issues) its hard to walk away from it. I need to grow up!

 

I need to grow some personal strength that I allowed the PA to sap from me.

 

I hate who I have allowed myself to become, its like there`s an inner me saying WTF!! grow some balls, you weak f@@ker!!

[13Hearts]

Hi all I`ve been lurking for a while..

 

Back story: Met MM through my one of my husbands works social gathering. Sounds cliché but as soon as we both saw each other we stood staring at each other like a deer in headlights..he was 23 I was 31.. We flirted with each other on more work socials, my husband knew we were attracted to each other but rather than complain he seemed to find it flattering that his co worker was attracted to me? I never knew if he was turned on by it or just didn`t give a s@%t?

 

Not then married MM was having girlfriend trouble and rang our house one day to ask my advice as a woman and I remember thinking he was such a sweet heart, I felt bad for him because he was upset.. then we only saw each other occasionally at other gatherings, Christmas drinks with the lads, a friends wedding, that sort of thing and life goes on... for the next 4 years.. Meanwhile my children were growing up and at university, etc..

 

And one day I walk into the dining room and see the back of my husbands head as he was busy playing some game on the PC and realise I don’t know this man and the thought of potentially spending the next 30/40 years of my life with just him scared me..

 

We have never been a close couple, no emotional closeness, we talked but with no communication, we had sex but with no intimacy, we lived together but apart, and I dedicated to my energy to raising the children... which felt like I did it alone.. I felt well, empty and invisible.

 

Then one day I got a social media message from not then married MM, who I’d not seen for a couple of years... I was weak, I was lonely and I wanted someone to notice me.. I was alive but dead inside.. He (MM) was engaged by this time... but I met him... I knew deep down for me to do that there was something so wrong with my marriage 6 weeks after the first meet with MM I left my husband, lived with friends before getting my own flat. Never quite ending it with my husband and continued to see MM.. My husband begged me not to leave him and for the first time I saw some emotion from him and I felt awful. He told me he thought I didnt try to work on things, he assumed I was happy and didnt have a clue I wasn’t, and asked me to come back and give it one last try.. and I agreed, I thought I took the easy way out.. I met someone else, fell in love and buggered off!! I knew I didnt give our marriage 100% so I left and went back home.. I didnt see MM for a good few months but I missed him terribly.

 

Then one day my husband comes and tells me MM is getting married.. and my world fell apart.. long story short.. I packed up my youngest son and went on holiday while he got married, then 3 days after his wedding he texted me.. I cant remember what we talked about but eventually I saw him again and it carried on in total for 8 and a half years! at one stage I left my husband again and lived on my own for 3 years but I realised that MM was never going to leave his now wife.. I went crawling back to the husband, whom I had filed divorce to but was too selfish to really let it go when I knew there was no hope for MM and I.

 

The final straw for me was when MM told me he had health problems and needed some space to think cos he was worried it was something serious.. and I being the selfish bitch I am made it all about me, but with thinking on he put a massive wall in between us by pushing me away when I wanted to be there the most for him. And finally I had to accept, when he was in a crisis it was not me he turned to but the woman he was married to and reality was there in my face.. and I ended it.. I have cut him off, deleted my email account, gone NC. Yes we’ve done it before but this, this is different, this is me waking up. This is me taking responsibility for the misery I have caused myself (and others) with the longing and pining and hoping, lying and cheating and .. and utter bullsh*t! mostly being a weak effing coward!! and just plain having enough!

 

This day 6, and I don’t know if I'm being over dramatic or not, but I looked at my husband sleeping next to me this morning and I was numb.. and I don’t think I want to be here with him either? But I'm not sure if its just because I'm a bit emotionally raw at the moment.. I don’t know what to think any more.

 

I don’t know what Im asking? I don’t know what im going to do in this next five minutes let alone how the rest of my life is going to pan out!

 

I sitting here in shock, scared of the future, scared of my shadow.

 

Sowhatnow, hon, you KNOW what now. You KNOW what you want for your life, you've just been waiting for a man to tell you what it is. To show you some sign. But don't you know they cannot make this decision for you. You have to trust yourself and your own intuition.

 

You sound like an incredibly strong and capable woman who has been knocked off her feet a bit and is second-guessing herself.

 

Life is not a question of "What man should I spend it with?" Life is a question of "What will I do with it?" and "Where do I want to go?"

 

It doesn't sound to me like you enjoy being married. It sounds like you want fun, romance, and adventure. Meanwhile you've trapped yourself in an emotionless, meaningless marriage, feeling claustrophobic.

 

Cut the cord and go on an adventure.

 

More than once I've gotten the feeling we need to start a LoveShack travel club!

[so what now]

Sowhatnow, hon, you KNOW what now. You KNOW what you want for your life, you've just been waiting for a man to tell you what it is. To show you some sign. But don't you know they cannot make this decision for you. You have to trust yourself and your own intuition.

 

You sound like an incredibly strong and capable woman who has been knocked off her feet a bit and is second-guessing herself.

 

Life is not a question of "What man should I spend it with?" Life is a question of "What will I do with it?" and "Where do I want to go?"

 

It doesn't sound to me like you enjoy being married. It sounds like you want fun, romance, and adventure. Meanwhile you've trapped yourself in an emotionless, meaningless marriage, feeling claustrophobic.

 

Cut the cord and go on an adventure.

 

More than once I've gotten the feeling we need to start a LoveShack travel club!

 

Oh 13Hearts that is so insightful, I have been looking at it all the wrong way for so many years!! yes!! you`re right! Its not who shall I spend it with, its what I do with it!! Thank you!

 

This ending has been and is still very sad and I will miss MM immensely but I could never have had so many ah ha moments without it, if this had not happened I would never have learnt what I am learning and I have a feeling I will be learning so much more along the way!

 

I`m about to start a three year degree programme in University, something I have always wanted to do.. start in Sept!! I am nervous at my age (45) but oh so excited too..

 

Other than that Im really not sure what I want to do with my life, I`ve lost dreams along the way, but I think I will spend some time revisiting them today.

 

Thank you 13Hearts, thank you

[so what now]

I keep thinking, get happy with yourself and the rest will follow

[carhill]

I keep thinking, get happy with yourself and the rest will follow

IMO, that's a healthy plan and the results will be individual, relevant to the title of the thread.

 

I cleared out the whole roster and am in a far more peaceful place now than I ever was back in the day. However, if you've never or rarely lived alone, perhaps that path isn't for you.

[kgcolonel]

So if I read this correctly, your husband doesn't know that you've been with the OM all this time, on and off??

 

Along the same lines of get happy with yourself, the rest will follow, you should also be authentic....in your word and actions and you will be loved, maybe not by those you are with now but by someone. The person they will love will love the "Real" the "Authentic" you, not the you that has a potentially relationship / marriage ending secret. You'll never receive the pure love you're seeking if you know deep inside that they love the image you've created as opposed to the "real" you with no secrets and vulnerable.

 

Yes, this may cost you your marriage but you deserve real love and your husband deserves the chance to make that decision.

[pooldog]

Golden sentence! ITA!

 

A marriage is like a garden. It takes two people to actually sit in it, pull the weeds, and add the seeds. You get out of it what you both put into it. There are so many possibilities, some good, some bad. Maybe it is worth a try to see what you both have together and want to do and then see?

 

Time away from xMM will make you feel better. You will climb out of the hole and feel better.

 

Get your head clear of the mm before you make any choices re your husband.

Edited July 2, 2016 by pooldog

[13Hearts]

Oh 13Hearts that is so insightful, I have been looking at it all the wrong way for so many years!! yes!! you`re right! Its not who shall I spend it with, its what I do with it!! Thank you!

 

This ending has been and is still very sad and I will miss MM immensely but I could never have had so many ah ha moments without it, if this had not happened I would never have learnt what I am learning and I have a feeling I will be learning so much more along the way!

 

I`m about to start a three year degree programme in University, something I have always wanted to do.. start in Sept!! I am nervous at my age (45) but oh so excited too..

 

Other than that Im really not sure what I want to do with my life, I`ve lost dreams along the way, but I think I will spend some time revisiting them today.

 

Thank you 13Hearts, thank you

 

Women must be permitted the freedom to dream, of what they will create, beautify, and perfect next. And when they are unable to dream, they choose the next best thing; hope. But hope is pitiful. Hope is like begging. And until we take full responsibility for our own happiness, and take our dreams by the horns and follow our true heart (not our romantic, pining heart), we will be stuck hoping, pining, and begging.

 

I went back to university in my 30s. It changed my life completely and I have never looked back.

 

You can do this.

[Bufo]

Excuse me for asking but I think the question pertinent. Who gets the privilege of paying tuition, fees and living expenses while you are in college?

 

Have you checked on cost issues?

 

I trust you aren't depending on BH to foot the bill if your plan is to hand him a divorce decree attached to your diploma.

 

On the other hand I have seen college expenses built into divorce decrees in lieu of alimony. Call it rehabilitative alimony which doesn't last forever

[so what now]

Excuse me for asking but I think the question pertinent. Who gets the privilege of paying tuition, fees and living expenses while you are in college?

 

Have you checked on cost issues?

 

I trust you aren't depending on BH to foot the bill if your plan is to hand him a divorce decree attached to your diploma.

 

On the other hand I have seen college expenses built into divorce decrees in lieu of alimony. Call it rehabilitative alimony which doesn't last forever

 

Im in the UK so will be getting a student loan in my name only, that will be deducted from my wages.

[so what now]

So if I read this correctly, your husband doesn't know that you've been with the OM all this time, on and off??

 

Along the same lines of get happy with yourself, the rest will follow, you should also be authentic....in your word and actions and you will be loved, maybe not by those you are with now but by someone. The person they will love will love the "Real" the "Authentic" you, not the you that has a potentially relationship / marriage ending secret. You'll never receive the pure love you're seeking if you know deep inside that they love the image you've created as opposed to the "real" you with no secrets and vulnerable.

 

Yes, this may cost you your marriage but you deserve real love and your husband deserves the chance to make that decision.

 

Yes, I see what you're saying, basically if I am to be in a real, authentic relationship there needs to complete honesty, that way I give my true self not a façade. I never thought of it like that, I guess I can never really be myself this way, with either of them, it is doomed. But then I will be marred for life because if I ever had another relationship, I should tell them what I did? oh the lack of trust that would breed, ugh! and if I kept it quiet that would starting with a lie.. This really was damaging in so many ways I could not have envisioned! I can not be free of it

 

No I never told him, but deep down I think he does know.

Edited July 2, 2016 by so what now

[kgcolonel]

Yes, I see what you're saying, basically if I am to be in a real, authentic relationship there needs to complete honesty, that way I give my true self not a façade. I never thought of it like that, I guess I can never really be myself this way, with either of them, it is doomed. But then I will be marred for life because if I ever had another relationship, I should tell them what I did? oh the lack of trust that would breed, ugh! and if I kept it quiet that would starting with a lie.. This really was damaging in so many ways I could not have envisioned! I can not be free of it

 

No I never told him, but deep down I think he does know.

 

Tell him, give him the dignity and option of making his on choices. It is only right.

[DKT3]

Yes, I see what you're saying, basically if I am to be in a real, authentic relationship there needs to complete honesty, that way I give my true self not a façade. I never thought of it like that, I guess I can never really be myself this way, with either of them, it is doomed. But then I will be marred for life because if I ever had another relationship, I should tell them what I did? oh the lack of trust that would breed, ugh! and if I kept it quiet that would starting with a lie.. This really was damaging in so many ways I could not have envisioned! I can not be free of it

 

No I never told him, but deep down I think he does know.

You have no idea the pain and agony caused by knowing but not really knowing or to scared to confront for losing plausible deniability . She wouldn't would she....it can destroy your soul, and greatly hinder your ability to ever find a healthy relationship. Be kind, be honest and let your husband go to find his way to someone who will show him respect and love.

[malvern99]

I think I will see my doctor about trying IC but not MC I couldn`t really commit to it knowing I would have to spill the beans, yes he deserves to life an authentic life but I dont think I need to take him down with me.

 

I hope you do not mind me being frank. From your writing style, you seem to be intelligent, self aware and strong, so please do not take this as an attack or me judging you. I just want to provide you with another perspective on your situation.

 

In order to live an authentic life, one must be comfortable with the truth not only when dealing with others, but when dealing with themselves. Every wayward spouse tells himself/herself this same lie. The "I don't want to hurt my spouse by telling the truth about my affair" lie. A wayward's actions have already hurt their spouses immeasurably more than any words they say to their spouses ever could. The betrayed spouse just doesn't know it yet. The betrayed spouse may suspect, but he/she doesn't know. In your case OP, if you look at this objectively, why is avoiding hurting your spouse suddenly a priority now? Let's be real here... you were involved in an affair with a man who works with your husband for 8+ years, yet the idea of hurting your husband did not stop you from continuing the affair until the MM called a timeout.

 

I suspect if you were to be honest with yourself, your husband's emotional well being is very low on your list of reasons for not confessing. The odds are that you want to keep him in the dark in order to keep your options open, and you fear telling him the truth may foreclose him as an option now and in the future. Chances are your decision to keep him in the dark is all about you and your needs torpedoes be damned. The sad thing is that is the very same attitude that landed you in this situation. Perpetuating it will inevitably lead to the same results.

 

If you follow my reasoning, then you will agree that to get a clean break, you will have to do several things. First, you must stop the cycle of placing your "needs" above those of the ones who really love you. Cake eating can no longer be an option. Then you must be willing to show your family the respect they deserve. Tell your husband the truth and allow him the dignity to make decisions in his best interests. You have had the opportunity to do that over the last 8+ years. Give him his opportunity. No one can tell you whether to leave your husband or not. That decision is entirely yours. With that said though, there is no real way forward with the truth hidden. It is manipulative, and while you may not be in love with your betrayed husband, as the father of your children, surely he deserves a little respect. At least enough for you to tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

 

I often ask this question, but no one has yet to answer. If the shoe were on the other foot, and your husband had stolen 8+ years from your life, would you think you deserved to know the truth? If you think you do, then surely your betrayed husband deserves the same courtesy. Good luck OP.

[Tayla]

I think you are quite the committed person. Take that skill and put it to use thru counseling.

 

You are quite the lady to be given a choice... The front door or the back door. Either way... It's a mar on marital vows.

[pooldog]

I think you should seek counseling so you can understand why you did it and what you should do and then have support for whatever you decide.

 

A lot of people would say you should tell. Maybe if you are living with an abusive or vindictive person that could be a huge mistake. Maybe you have kids and it is better for them to stay together until they are older especially if one has special needs. Most men divorce when they find out about an affair while most women are acceptable to reconciliation.

 

A highly educated and trained family counselor can collect all of the details for your case and guide you effectively. He or she can give you the best options and tell you how to implement them. There are many lives at stake so you have to be careful. At least you see what you did now. Tomorrow is a new day.

[so what now]

I hope you do not mind me being frank. From your writing style, you seem to be intelligent, self aware and strong, so please do not take this as an attack or me judging you. I just want to provide you with another perspective on your situation.

 

In order to live an authentic life, one must be comfortable with the truth not only when dealing with others, but when dealing with themselves. Every wayward spouse tells himself/herself this same lie. The "I don't want to hurt my spouse by telling the truth about my affair" lie. A wayward's actions have already hurt their spouses immeasurably more than any words they say to their spouses ever could. The betrayed spouse just doesn't know it yet. The betrayed spouse may suspect, but he/she doesn't know. In your case OP, if you look at this objectively, why is avoiding hurting your spouse suddenly a priority now? Let's be real here... you were involved in an affair with a man who works with your husband for 8+ years, yet the idea of hurting your husband did not stop you from continuing the affair until the MM called a timeout.

 

I suspect if you were to be honest with yourself, your husband's emotional well being is very low on your list of reasons for not confessing. The odds are that you want to keep him in the dark in order to keep your options open, and you fear telling him the truth may foreclose him as an option now and in the future. Chances are your decision to keep him in the dark is all about you and your needs torpedoes be damned. The sad thing is that is the very same attitude that landed you in this situation. Perpetuating it will inevitably lead to the same results.

 

If you follow my reasoning, then you will agree that to get a clean break, you will have to do several things. First, you must stop the cycle of placing your "needs" above those of the ones who really love you. Cake eating can no longer be an option. Then you must be willing to show your family the respect they deserve. Tell your husband the truth and allow him the dignity to make decisions in his best interests. You have had the opportunity to do that over the last 8+ years. Give him his opportunity. No one can tell you whether to leave your husband or not. That decision is entirely yours. With that said though, there is no real way forward with the truth hidden. It is manipulative, and while you may not be in love with your betrayed husband, as the father of your children, surely he deserves a little respect. At least enough for you to tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

 

I often ask this question, but no one has yet to answer. If the shoe were on the other foot, and your husband had stolen 8+ years from your life, would you think you deserved to know the truth? If you think you do, then surely your betrayed husband deserves the same courtesy. Good luck OP.

 

You raise some very introspective questions, and I will be honest there is a part of me that knows if I tell, there is no hope for me and MM, it will blow up and cause mayhem, he will hate me, and... Oh sh*t, I am crying here typing this because what you said made me see how deeply I am deceiving myself that this is over in my mind. It shows me that I don`t want it to be. While I am now conscious about that it doesn't mean I do not truly want the pain to end.

 

Also I*think if I was sure I wanted to stay with husband and loved him as a wife should, I would value a open, honest, fresh start and I would want him to know all about the real me and what he has on his hands and I would value his decision on what he wanted to do with me but if I was to leave him, what point would be the point in causing him extra pain? Would it not be kinder not to add 8+ years of betrayal? I dont hate him, I dont want to destroy him.

 

Would I want to know if he had done the same to me? I often wished he did, so didn't feel so guilty for wanting to leave him. I want to leave him.. I do.. maybe? but right now my mind is muddied with coping with wanting to end it with MM to stop the pain. I have and am being again a gutless loser, because I should have left years ago but because I was a coward I chose to try and seek what I deemed missing from my marriage with out (in my perception) hurting him by leaving and also because I felt I wouldn't be heard if I told him what I needed. And even if he listened, he could do nothing about it because he is not the a person I wan to be married to. We raised two of my children and his child together, in a fashion, but once they left home. I knew he and I were not right for each other, we were just going through the motions.. well I was. its effed up.

 

However there is also a chance that I am such a mess at the moment and was living in fantasy land wanting someone I idolised that, that man (MM) who I put on a pedestal could not be matched by the every day reality of a man I live with. Maybe if I could get MM out of my mind I could see what I do have in my husband, as a real man with me in a real, messy, probably normal marriage?

 

a side note: H hasn't worked with MM for over 10 years, but yes, I did meet MM through them working together at one time.

[so what now]

Yes I must do some IC, I can not figure this out on my own, I need guidance and a different perspective to mine.

[malvern99]

So what now, you are definitely not a loser. I respect the courage it takes to put your business out there, even if it is to complete strangers. It's not easy to open yourself up like that.

 

At the end of the day, you deserve far better than being some married guy's mistress, or being so unhappy in your marriage that an A seems like a way out, and your husband deserves better than his current lot. Those two facts are not incompatible. You have options. Whatever path you choose (leave or stay), deception can no longer be central to your plan's success. Whatever you do, honesty is the best policy. Leave or stay, being honest will make either decision stick.

 

Life is too short for shenanigans like this. I fear you'll wake up one day and realize your life passed you by while you were stuck in a dead marriage and an affair where the MM only used you for his own purposes. You put a lot into MM and gave him some of the best years of your life, and got nothing concrete in return. After 8+ years with MM, what do you have to show for that time besides broken promises and shattered dreams? His life won't be affected anywhere near as much as yours. He still has a wife he loves and a marriage he is willing to protect. Do you honestly think he thinks of you anywhere near as much as you think of him? If he did, you 2 would have been together a long time ago. The day you put your foot down and say no more, he will simply find another woman willing to accept the crumbs from his marriage. You deserve much better, but only you can make that decision. No outside pressures can lead you to that conclusion. Good luck.

Edited July 3, 2016 by malvern99

[so what now]

Thank you all for best advice I could EVER have heard!!

 

And now it is time for ME to stop with the bleeding heart and the woe is me and take responsibility of my life and go clean up MY doo doo!

[13Hearts]

Very nicely put Malvern.

 

I hope you do not mind me being frank. From your writing style, you seem to be intelligent, self aware and strong, so please do not take this as an attack or me judging you. I just want to provide you with another perspective on your situation.

 

In order to live an authentic life, one must be comfortable with the truth not only when dealing with others, but when dealing with themselves. Every wayward spouse tells himself/herself this same lie. The "I don't want to hurt my spouse by telling the truth about my affair" lie. A wayward's actions have already hurt their spouses immeasurably more than any words they say to their spouses ever could. The betrayed spouse just doesn't know it yet. The betrayed spouse may suspect, but he/she doesn't know. In your case OP, if you look at this objectively, why is avoiding hurting your spouse suddenly a priority now? Let's be real here... you were involved in an affair with a man who works with your husband for 8+ years, yet the idea of hurting your husband did not stop you from continuing the affair until the MM called a timeout.

 

I suspect if you were to be honest with yourself, your husband's emotional well being is very low on your list of reasons for not confessing. The odds are that you want to keep him in the dark in order to keep your options open, and you fear telling him the truth may foreclose him as an option now and in the future. Chances are your decision to keep him in the dark is all about you and your needs torpedoes be damned. The sad thing is that is the very same attitude that landed you in this situation. Perpetuating it will inevitably lead to the same results.

 

If you follow my reasoning, then you will agree that to get a clean break, you will have to do several things. First, you must stop the cycle of placing your "needs" above those of the ones who really love you. Cake eating can no longer be an option. Then you must be willing to show your family the respect they deserve. Tell your husband the truth and allow him the dignity to make decisions in his best interests. You have had the opportunity to do that over the last 8+ years. Give him his opportunity. No one can tell you whether to leave your husband or not. That decision is entirely yours. With that said though, there is no real way forward with the truth hidden. It is manipulative, and while you may not be in love with your betrayed husband, as the father of your children, surely he deserves a little respect. At least enough for you to tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

 

I often ask this question, but no one has yet to answer. If the shoe were on the other foot, and your husband had stolen 8+ years from your life, would you think you deserved to know the truth? If you think you do, then surely your betrayed husband deserves the same courtesy. Good luck OP.