Left MM, now leave husband too?

[13Hearts]

I like the idea of cleansing yourself from the idolized image you have of MM, and seeing what is left of your marriage. I think that is the prudent thing to do. If you think you have been dishonest or inauthentic with yourself, as Malvern so aptly described it, then you owe it to yourself to get real, get courageous, and put what needs to be out on the table with your husband out on the table.

 

I think you should talk to a counselor who does marital counseling and see what help is available to you. This is really about your life and how you want to live it.

 

I've never heard anyone describe marriage and raising children as fun, exciting, or sexy. I think we all crave those things in our lives, married with children or not. I don't think it's your husband's fault that you don't have those things.

 

You raise some very introspective questions, and I will be honest there is a part of me that knows if I tell, there is no hope for me and MM, it will blow up and cause mayhem, he will hate me, and... Oh sh*t, I am crying here typing this because what you said made me see how deeply I am deceiving myself that this is over in my mind. It shows me that I don`t want it to be. While I am now conscious about that it doesn't mean I do not truly want the pain to end.

 

Also I*think if I was sure I wanted to stay with husband and loved him as a wife should, I would value a open, honest, fresh start and I would want him to know all about the real me and what he has on his hands and I would value his decision on what he wanted to do with me but if I was to leave him, what point would be the point in causing him extra pain? Would it not be kinder not to add 8+ years of betrayal? I dont hate him, I dont want to destroy him.

 

Would I want to know if he had done the same to me? I often wished he did, so didn't feel so guilty for wanting to leave him. I want to leave him.. I do.. maybe? but right now my mind is muddied with coping with wanting to end it with MM to stop the pain. I have and am being again a gutless loser, because I should have left years ago but because I was a coward I chose to try and seek what I deemed missing from my marriage with out (in my perception) hurting him by leaving and also because I felt I wouldn't be heard if I told him what I needed. And even if he listened, he could do nothing about it because he is not the a person I wan to be married to. We raised two of my children and his child together, in a fashion, but once they left home. I knew he and I were not right for each other, we were just going through the motions.. well I was. its effed up.

 

However there is also a chance that I am such a mess at the moment and was living in fantasy land wanting someone I idolised that, that man (MM) who I put on a pedestal could not be matched by the every day reality of a man I live with. Maybe if I could get MM out of my mind I could see what I do have in my husband, as a real man with me in a real, messy, probably normal marriage?

 

a side note: H hasn't worked with MM for over 10 years, but yes, I did meet MM through them working together at one time.

[Josmatjes]

Oh 13Hearts that is so insightful, I have been looking at it all the wrong way for so many years!! yes!! you`re right! Its not who shall I spend it with, its what I do with it!! Thank you!

 

This ending has been and is still very sad and I will miss MM immensely but I could never have had so many ah ha moments without it, if this had not happened I would never have learnt what I am learning and I have a feeling I will be learning so much more along the way!

 

I`m about to start a three year degree programme in University, something I have always wanted to do.. start in Sept!! I am nervous at my age (45) but oh so excited too..

 

Other than that Im really not sure what I want to do with my life, I`ve lost dreams along the way, but I think I will spend some time revisiting them today.

 

Thank you 13Hearts, thank you

 

I'm 46 and I'm in school and going for a bachelors soon. Don't be scared, you can do it! It keeps me young and I love learning and it is making my life better. My story is a bit different than yours but similar because I was looking for validation either from my husband or the xmm. I'm learning that validation comes from within. This is what I teach my kids! To never look to anyone else to approve you, you can approve yourself! I'm trying to take my own advice. You are never going to find answers from anyone else cause they will always come up short! You have to do it for yourself and it hard and it's a day to day thing but you can do it!!

[pooldog]

And I am in my 50s and just finished mine with a 3.9 gpa. You can do it too!

 

I'm 46 and I'm in school and going for a bachelors soon. Don't be scared, you can do it! It keeps me young and I love learning and it is making my life better. My story is a bit different than yours but similar because I was looking for validation either from my husband or the xmm. I'm learning that validation comes from within. This is what I teach my kids! To never look to anyone else to approve you, you can approve yourself! I'm trying to take my own advice. You are never going to find answers from anyone else cause they will always come up short! You have to do it for yourself and it hard and it's a day to day thing but you can do it!!

[veryhappy]

There's no reason to blow up your life.

 

 

You don't need to decide now, as you are highly emotional. Wait a year and see what you want. Start your other projects, do something fun with the husband. A year is not that long, especially compared to 8 years.

[DKT3]

There's no reason to blow up your life.

 

 

You don't need to decide now, as you are highly emotional. Wait a year and see what you want. Start your other projects, do something fun with the husband. A year is not that long, especially compared to 8 years.

 

When a MW has a long term affair there is too much damage done within her mind that making a authentic connection with the husband is almost impossible. Taking a year does nothing, it's likely that after the year she will be in the exact same spot, longing for the OM and not knowing (or more likely, not wanting to face what SHE has done to the marriage) where to begin putting the marriage back together. No the best thing she can do is end the marriage, let her husband heal and have a shot to find a respectful loving partner.

[Cherryz]

Even thou it hurts. You have a family and a husband to take care of.

They are your priority. Same as his wife is his priority!

 

Like i said before, you knew you are married and that this guy had a gf.

 

You put yourself in this situation, instead of facing your real issues with your husband so that you could have had a better marriage those 8 years.

 

Its sad that you and your husband dont communicate your real need to eachother, but yet you choose to leave him without putting any work and let him know what your needs are and give it all time and also hear his needs and work on it toghater.

Get a therapist and work on your marriage. It looks like you want to go out

doing whatever, but not doing the simple thing which is the real key for your marriage to work.

And that is communication. You have needs that you dont let your husband know so he can meet them and i bet he have his too.

You cant just sit back and assume people know what is going on inside you or what you are missing in your marriage.

 

Get a therapist for both of you and read marriage christian books.

Look up for christian marriage or couples seminars and visit them. etc.

Marriage is work! You need to put in the work for it to become better and better.

 

And know that in all relationships you need good communication. And you cant run from issues. You need to adress them and work and deal with them.

I wish you the best.

[Cherryz]

Ps: not because your husband dont say anything means you are rigth to cheat.

You are a adult you know rigth from wrong!

 

And i get the idea that maybe because he dont react to stuff the way you aspect, you go do affair to get that attention.

 

Maybe he thinks he better be that way so he dont come across controlling.

Or maybe you do things like that to intentionally get attention in a wrong way from your husband. Maybe both of you grew up in a home where you ddnt learn to express yourselves. We dont know.Get a therapist it can help you both understand each other better and figure things out.

 

Stop running!