I (24f) dont know from here with ex (42M)

[applelicious]

Throwaway just in case.

We went out for five-six years. We began a relationship in the summer after I graduated high school. The following year, I moved out from home in the fall. He moved in a week later. It wasn't meant that way but he moved in and said it was his home now and I liked his company. I didn't see him seriously as I didn't have the courage to present him to my family because of his age. He was kept a secret until last year.

He talked about marriage two years into the relationship and said if he didn't meet my mom he could not be married to me. During these years I was talking to this other guy my age that I met online. My bf found out about it months before moving in with me and he was hurt but forgave me. I was very sorry and realized I felt more than I thought for my bf. I stopped contact with the guy . But I just couldn't see a future with bf, though I wanted one, because I would never have the courage to introduce him to my family. I led a ****ing double life of sorts.

In the second year, I found that bf was contacting his ex recently which destroyed my ego my pride. I was so upset. He was apologizing and moving mountains for me for the next three years. I was so angry and depressed. My grades went down. I miscarried a surprise pregnancy. And my bf was so so supportive. And now i feel so bad rhat i was so lost in sadness, anger, worry and i took him for granted. And my mother didn't know all this bad crap that was going on and I did everything for her not to know. I didn't want to disappoint her. She had never known me to have a boyfriend. He was my first everything. And I have always been a good student, good everything in her eyes and I knew this would upset her. Plus she suffers from depression as well.

I didn't want to damage his career, so when I went to counseling I quit going because they asked too many questions about him. I needed help and someone I could confide in about this betrayal and anger I felt.

Three years ago I started working full time. I became tired and more bitter from work. We would argue alot. I cheated on him with the other guy. Nothing justifies what I did. I was so angry still, bitter, and I thought since he was older he had alot of history with sex and relationships and I was so insecure and felt I should too in a way. It was a huge mistake. I came clean. Told him when a year later I found out he was talking to someone else. He left. This was last year

I had a rebound. I was so depressed. I realized all I did wrong. Though he wronged me as well, I felt it was my fault. I know it was. I took him for granted. He got tired of trying but I was left so insecure because of my inexperience, our ages, and that I just could not tell my mom bout him. When I was dating the rebound, the exbf came to visit my mom who was living with me temporarily after he moved out. She had no idea. I mean she suspected I was with someone or had been. But she never realized who he was. He came over to introduce himself. I saw his car leaving that evening as I was coming back home with the rebound. I was relieved that he had been the one to do it finally. But scared at my moms reaction. She was crying and serious. She told me everytjing I'd heard about older men dating young. Etc. Then when I spoke to her about him as the days went on, what went on etc she broke down again and apologized and said she didn't know him. I saw the ex often and we spoke often. We never quit seeing other. He said he needed time etc.

Mom got a home and left. I was alone again. Missed him terribly. I loved him. And i was regretting all my wrongs. He started spending every night there since september after I had a second degree burn cooking accident. He took care of my wounds. But I wanted him to live with me. To have a relationship with me. I was confused. I feel I let him walk all over me and I'd be making excuses if I say that he needed time etc. We would fight. We would be ok. This February he said that he felt ready to live with me again. He'd move in in march. He wanted some space completely without talking at all. He said he would realize alot of things when he had time to his own. It was tough. We would fight when he lived there but because he was spending alot of time away still during the day. I found a love note in his work bag. He said it couldve been old etc. Then some woman called me incessantly throughout march and april until i didnt hang up on her one time and she told me all about him seeing her but that they were jut friends and she wanted to know what was going on

To make it short. I left apartment finally. He was upset said he needed time to think. That he wanted to be alone. I gathered everything and left. Lease doesn't end til august.

Last month we met up. He said he wanted to move into the apartment and would I move back in. I said no. There is no trust etc. I changed my number. He emails me because e doesn't know where I live now. He said he sees her, a woman who is also 42, divorced and has four older kids, occasionally when I asked. But he keeps saying he is moving in in a week. I love him. I feel so ****ing frustrated and tired right now. What's his deal? If you need more info, ask. I tried to keep it brief. What do I do? Advice please

Ps: his father got alzheimers around 50. Ex says he is afraid he will too. Ex has no kids, never been married. He graduated college and moved back home to care for his father who had early onset alzheimers. Father was older than mother by 18yrs as well. Is he insecure? Is he worried about the alzheimers? He says if I move in he'll "of course" want to head towards marriage and family and kids. Is he having his cake and eating it too right now? Please ask f you need more info. I really want someone elses opinions. I'm seeing a counselor now. I do want to be better. But why is he seeing her still and then telling me he wants me to move in too when he does? He says he will correct his wrongs if I let him.

[Zahara]

Move on from him. You both have no idea as to how to maneuver a healthy and loving relationship. It's been riddled with cheating and lies. You met him when you were a child and I'm so sad for your mother because you're throwing the best years of your life away.

 

You're 24. Move on from him. Go back to school. Complete your education. Find your independence. Go out and date people your age and enjoy your life. Travel. Pursue a career. Experience having your own home. Live your life.

 

He's 42. A grown ass man who is able to take care of himself and manage his own life.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Zahara

[applelicious]

Youre right, Zahara. I think I do know know what I should do which is move on. Its difficult to not fall back into it. I'm a different person than I was when I was 18. I want more than he can offer. But dumb feelings... I will be graduating this December with a bachelor's and I hope to get hired this fall as a teacher, so I can start my career in January. I want to find a job out of town and be on my own, like you say. Those are my plans, and I've been so excited about that. I got my stuff together with school finally. But there are times like last night where I just can't help but feel so much anger, resentment towards him.

[Zahara]

Youre right, Zahara. I think I do know know what I should do which is move on. Its difficult to not fall back into it. I'm a different person than I was when I was 18. I want more than he can offer. But dumb feelings... I will be graduating this December with a bachelor's and I hope to get hired this fall as a teacher, so I can start my career in January. I want to find a job out of town and be on my own, like you say. Those are my plans, and I've been so excited about that. I got my stuff together with school finally. But there are times like last night where I just can't help but feel so much anger, resentment towards him.

 

I'm twice your age and when I see someone as young as you throwing your life away, and just like your mom, it's hard not to want to shake you and try to make you see that in the grand scheme of things, in the decades to come, this will not mean a thing to you because you'd be mature, experienced and fulfilled enough to realize that there was so much more to living than this man and a relationship that would have only torn you apart and denied you a chance to live your best life.

 

Yes, hold on to your ambition and your goals. Aim high and establish standards and expectations deserving of who and what you are. Don't give in to this situation because this man is not for you. I understand you invested some years of your life with him, but at 24 the world is your oyster so you go out there and embrace it.

 

Feelings of pity, sad, anger and resentment does not justify going back to him, giving him another change or resurrecting this relationship. You manage those feelings by talking to your mom, seeking her advice, reaching out to friends and helping them counsel you out of this. He is not the solution. Speak to your counselor and let her know you need her help to stay away from him, and that you have a plan for your life and you need her help to set you on the path of emotional independence.

 

Block him contacting you. You need to absolutely do this.

 

Apple, you have one life to live. Make it your best.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Zahara