Jealousy, with a few Twists and Turns: We need help!

[Lydie]

Well I have found myself in quite a complicated situation. About 4 months ago I met a woman on the internet. One thing led to another, and after roughly 2 months, we felt our feelings were strong enough, so we met up although we live a continent apart. Things were really great during our time together, and could not have been better. I left, and we were madly in love with each other.

 

At the time I was with her, she told me that she has a need for the physical, and that she was not able to commit to me. She is still not ready to commit, as she has to face quite a few demons, and I have a number of smaller issues too. At first I did not have a problem with her needs, as I was confident that we would overcome all obstacles.

 

As a condition of our relationship, I asked her that she tell me when she was with other men.

 

A few days ago, I learned that she had been with another man.

 

Even though it was difficult for her, she told me, and I value her honesty in doing so. I have asked her to continue telling me in the future.

 

But the thoughts of this are killing me. But she knows that she must tell me, because I will come to know anyway, as I have a sixth sense about these things.

 

Even though she told me, I am having a very hard time dealing with this.

 

I know she has these physical needs, and that she cannot change her nature, and cannot commit to me, because of these demons that she is trying to exorcise. Right now we are at the point that we don't see how to keep this "relationship" going, without causing one or other of us to sacrifice our current needs and ideals. She cannot deny her nature, at least for the moment, and I don't want her to deny her of her nature. But I cannot deny the hurt that it is causing me.

 

We will be apart, at least for the foreseeable future, although the possibility of being together in a year or so is very high. I know she loves me though, and wants to someday be ready to commit to me.

 

We both want this to succeed. Please, how can we make this work?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Relationships don't work, when only one person wants to see it work - particularly when the relationship can't really happen for at least a year. Right now, it sounds like she has her own agenda and she is giving you only one choice: wait while accepting her for who she is on the off chance that she might decide to make an actual relationship out of it, or leave. You will have to decide if your heart can withstand the pain that you are volunteering it for.

 

I wish there were some helpful advice I could give - but she seems pretty clear about her 'needs' and not giving them up - so no matter what you want or need, she is going to continue what she is doing. Your only option left is to deal with that - and the only advice one can give for something like that is to learn to cope with the decision you are making to stay in this painful situation.

 

Hopefully as time goes by, your mind will become more clear about what direction you need to take your heart in this matter. Right now, you are blinded by infatuation and wishful thinking for what you want this relationship to be - and with time, as the fog clears you will begin to see it for what it is and can decide your future with her with a clear mind and a clear heart.

[Treasa]

I think what you first need to do is realize that you don't have the right to have conditions for someone you aren't in a committed relationship with. Now wait, before you become defensive (as too many people have been today), let me just say that I agree that you should know what your sexual partner is doing with anyone else. However, if that's a concern, then you shouldn't have sexual relations with someone unless you ARE in a committed relationship.

 

If this isn't even regarding sex (I was a bit fuzzy about that), then you really can't have conditions. If you want a relationship, then expect a relationship and don't agree to see her when it's convenient for her, assuming it'll eventually make her come around. If you really want to be exclusive with her, then don't settle. I know that sounds counterproductive, but it sends a strong message across.

 

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Are you really willing to settle for that?

[Lydie]

Thanks for your response, LucreziaBorgia.

 

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Relationships don't work, when only one person wants to see it work - particularly when the relationship can't really happen for at least a year. Right now, it sounds like she has her own agenda and she is giving you only one choice: wait while accepting her for who she is on the off chance that she might decide to make an actual relationship out of it, or leave. You will have to decide if your heart can withstand the pain that you are volunteering it for.

 

I don't think its only me that wants it to work. I believe in her sincerity in wanting it to work. And I don't know if the chances are that small that she wants to make an actual relationship out of it. But I wonder about the pain my heart can handle.

 

I wish there were some helpful advice I could give - but she seems pretty clear about her 'needs' and not giving them up - so no matter what you want or need, she is going to continue what she is doing. Your only option left is to deal with that - and the only advice one can give for something like that is to learn to cope with the decision you are making to stay in this painful situation.

 

She would give them up if I asked her to. I know that. But then I fear that she would come to resent this choice, because I know she needs to explore this side of herself in order to be at peace, and be ready for a relationship.

[Lydie]

Thanks for your reply, Treasa.

 

Originally posted by Treasa

I think what you first need to do is realize that you don't have the right to have conditions for someone you aren't in a committed relationship with. Now wait, before you become defensive (as too many people have been today), let me just say that I agree that you should know what your sexual partner is doing with anyone else. However, if that's a concern, then you shouldn't have sexual relations with someone unless you ARE in a committed relationship.

 

I know I cannot make any demands of her, but my heart does not agree with the logic that if you are not in a relationship, that you don't feel hurt if she shares herself with another man. I thought it would not be a real issue for me, but sadly I am mistaken in that. I really love her, and I am willing to wait for her. That is not the problem. I am looking for a way to deal with the fact that she can be intimate with other men, so that I can cope with it.

 

Or perhaps there are other solutions out there that I am not seeing? Anyone?

 

If this isn't even regarding sex (I was a bit fuzzy about that), then you really can't have conditions. If you want a relationship, then expect a relationship and don't agree to see her when it's convenient for her, assuming it'll eventually make her come around. If you really want to be exclusive with her, then don't settle. I know that sounds counterproductive, but it sends a strong message across.

 

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Are you really willing to settle for that?

 

It is not that she is willing to be this way - but she is compelled to be this way, as she is facing her demons right now. I want to be exclusive with her, but I know I would hurt her by forcing it right now.

[Lydie]

Anyone else ?

[LucreziaBorgia]

It is not that she is willing to be this way - but she is compelled to be this way, as she is facing her demons right now.

 

Facing your demons doesn't mean you have to feed them. She is choosing to be this way. She could stop or work on modifying her behavior but she chooses to indulge in it instead. She isn't going to change any time soon, so...

 

I am looking for a way to deal with the fact that she can be intimate with other men, so that I can cope with it.

 

Set up an appointment with a counselor or a therapist and let them know that you want to find ways to cope with this situation. Hopefully with time, patience and effort you will find a more clear path on where you should go with this.

[phidelt127]

I dosen't matter if you're a continent or a block away. I was in a similar situation that I'm sorry to say, ended up in heartbreak for me. I can't stress enough the fact that if you believe that a woman that just wants to get it on is in love with you, or that will want to be with you someday, you'll end up with the dirty end of the stick. I'm sorry but I don't know any other way to say this. She's using you for sex. The faster you get over that and move on, the better. It took me over a year to realize that and get over it. I hope it doesn't take you so long.

[HisLydie]

Hi All:

 

I am Lydie. He told me about this forum, and after doing some reading I have decided to respond here. At least tell a few things from my perspective.

 

And before anybody jumps down my throat, I want to let everyone know that I want this to work. I am here seeking advice, and some sort of resolution as much as the original poster, lets call him Theo.

 

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Relationships don't work, when only one person wants to see it work - particularly when the relationship can't really happen for at least a year. Right now, it sounds like she has her own agenda and she is giving you only one choice: wait while accepting her for who she is on the off chance that she might decide to make an actual relationship out of it, or leave. You will have to decide if your heart can withstand the pain that you are volunteering it for.

 

First, I do want this to work. Before Theo became my lover, he was my friend - my best friend - even though we had known each other only a very short time. Because of circumstance, a real life relationship cannot happen for at least a year, if even then. And I cannot, and do not want to be in a long distance relationship, although sometimes it feels like I am already in one.

 

And you are right, Lucrezia Borgia, I do have my own agenda.

 

I have just recently ended a long term relationship, that I got into very young. I felt that I lost a great deal of freedom, and I lost myself. Right now, I am trying to discover who I am. And a part of that for me is experiencing new people, as friends, and yes, some perhaps as lovers.

 

But you must not forget also my circumstance. I am across continents, and I have only met Theo once. And part of my self-discovery is that I need people, I need companionship, and physical comfort. While talking virtually is wonderful, and I value it tremendously, it cannot replace human contact.

 

How can I be expected to commit to a man who I have only met once, who I have only known for less than four months, and who may not ever live near me? Is it a fair expectation to demand this of me?

 

But I also must reiterate, Theo is the most incredible man I have ever known. And I do love him deeply.

 

Originally posted by Treasa

If you really want to be exclusive with her, then don't settle. I know that sounds counterproductive, but it sends a strong message across.

 

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Are you really willing to settle for that?

 

If Theo would ask it of me, I would be true if the alternative meant loosing him. But I fear that if I do this, I will resent him, and loose him ultimately in the long run.

 

At the same time, I think this is a very unfair request. Why should I deny myself happiness in the short-term if there are no guarantees that we will ever be together?

 

In addition, it may seem like I want my cake and eat it too, but I never asked Theo for commitment to me. He choose to give it freely, although I never asked or demanded it.

 

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Facing your demons doesn't mean you have to feed them. She is choosing to be this way. She could stop or work on modifying her behavior but she chooses to indulge in it instead. She isn't going to change any time soon, so...

 

I would not call this a demon. It is an exploration of the self. Theo knew from the very beginning that I was incapable of a committed relationship at the moment, and he knew that I had physical needs. And he agreed.

 

We are far away from one another, and committing to a life of computer correspondence seems much like madness to me.

 

Originally posted by phidelt127

I can't stress enough the fact that if you believe that a woman that just wants to get it on is in love with you, or that will want to be with you someday, you'll end up with the dirty end of the stick. I'm sorry but I don't know any other way to say this. She's using you for sex. The faster you get over that and move on, the better. It took me over a year to realize that and get over it. I hope it doesn't take you so long.

 

The assumption that I am using Theo for sex could not be further from true. I love him, and this relationship is not about sex. If it were, then it would be a nullified relationship, due to the fact that we are not physically with each other. Sex is a moot point. And I would hardly call spending thousands of Euros on plane tickets just about sex.

 

That being said, though, I do not want to hurt Theo. I cannot stand the pain I have already caused him, and I do not want to cause him more pain. On the other hand, I cannot sacrifice myself right now, I am not ready. I need to be whole before I can love another person completely, and accept them totally as my only partner.

 

When we met, he knew I was not ready, and I made him well aware of this. And as he requested I was honest with him. Now I stand to loose a relationship because I was honest, because he cannot emotionally handle what

he had asked of me.

 

 

I just want it to be enough that we love each other. That is all I feel I am able to give right now.

 

But I desperately seek a solution - one that will work for both of us.

 

Please, we both need your advice. I love this man.

[LucreziaBorgia]

A solution comes with stating what it is you want honestly and going from there to see if its possible to achieve.

 

What do you want from this guy? If you could snap your fingers and magically make things perfect for you - what would you change about yourself? What would you change about him? What would the perfect solution be for you? What would your ideal relationship with this guy be?

 

You've only known each other for 4 months. Why not just table the discussion until a later date? If there is no way you can be involved for at least another year - why not just enjoy the relationship for what it is, refuse to put labels on it, and just play it by ear? I think taking some of the pressure off might help to foster some growth between the two of you. Focus on getting to really know one another as human beings and not as just part of a couple or as a lover. After a year's time you both may well find that your direction with each other might be quite different than you had once expected.

[HisLydie]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

A solution comes with stating what it is you want honestly and going from there to see if its possible to achieve.

What do you want from this guy? If you could snap your fingers and magically make things perfect for you - what would you change about yourself? .

 

I would change the fact that I am not ready for him. I would change my need for the physical, and I would try to be happy in accepting who he is, with no changes. To be ready to accept him fully, and totally.

 

What would you change about him?

 

Maybe his seriousness, with me and our relationship. Although, I find his intensity about life in general a very attractive quality, although it is hindering our relationship right now, I think. But I don't know if I would want to change it in the long run.

 

What would the perfect solution be for you?

 

I really have no idea, because a perfect solution would be one where we are both content, and I don't see that happening, considering the emotions involved.

 

What would your ideal relationship with this guy be?

 

That we would love each other truly, as equal partners in an amazing love. We would support each other, and encourage each other in our professional and personal pursuits. That we would be lifelong companions that would grow and learn from each other for the rest of our days.

 

You've only known each other for 4 months. Why not just table the discussion until a later date? If there is no way you can be involved for at least another year - why not just enjoy the relationship for what it is, refuse to put labels on it, and just play it by ear?

 

This is exactly what I want. But I am unsure how to do this under present circumstances.

 

I think taking some of the pressure off might help to foster some growth between the two of you. Focus on getting to really know one another as human beings and not as just part of a couple or as a lover.

 

I agree, and I think this is wonderful advice. But I do not know if Theo feels this way.

 

Thankyou, LucreziaBorgia.

[Lydie]

I am not infatuated, as I have been through so much infatuation in the recent past, that my body was unable to produce that effect in me. And she knows that.

 

Contrary to her explanation, even if I were with her these inclinations would still exist. It is not only the distance that give rise to this. Although it does play its part. She has other issues too and must sort these out.

 

I don't love her anything less if it happens again. But it causes me anguish.

I can't take a similar attitude for myself in this year we will certainly be apart. I can't be interested in another woman, even if I wanted to. And that is not in my nature. I could not even date a woman. And certainly not have a one night stand.

It would also hurt her. She suffers from jealousy too, and is a bit jealous if I talk with other women, who could be attractive to me, even though she knows she has nothing to fear. I won't even flirt with them.

 

The problem with just enjoying the relationship and refuse to put labels on it, is that it is something my heart can't do. I know that it sounds strange. The feelings are there, I just can't turn them off. Believe me, in one way, I would love to, as it would make things a lot easier for me to deal with.

 

My heart works in the way, that once I take a distance from a person that distance is never overcome. I could cut her out of my life for a year, or minimize our interactions to a minimum - but we'd never be more than friends in the future. And that is something we both don't want.

 

I love her as a person, but can't assign differentiated functions to her. I can't separate the lover from the person. She is a whole person, just as I am. And there is this thing inside me, that does not allow her jealousy to become much of an issue, while in the opposite way, that does not exist yet.

 

It seems that whatever we do, the jealousy on my part will always play up. Even if we reduce contact for a year to a minimum, I know it happens. I have a sixth sense for this - so basically the only choice in the matter is to tell me herself, or to become aware myself. And suffer in silence. She knows this all to well. I have shared my intuition with her - only to let her confirm two weeks later that it came true. That was hard for her to tell, but in a way I already knew.

[HisLydie]

You can see now, from reading the above, how both our perspectives are at odds. Please, does anyone have any suggestions of a solution that might work for us both? It doesn’t have to be ideal, for one or the other, but at least something that might be workable??

[phidelt127]

Yeah I have a suggestion, if you love him, stop sleeping with other men. You're obviously hurting his feelings and your own in the process. I understand that long distance relationships are a hard thing to deal with, but they are still relationships with the same expectations as if you were just around the corner.