Should I give him a second chance?

[Tinkerbelll]

Hi everybody! I would need wise advice on my current situation.

 

This has been a rough year for me, my father died after four months he was diagnosed with cancer at the end of the winter.

My boyfriend of three years wasn't supportive at all during that time and I ended the relationship with him with no regrets facing everything by myself.

In that same period I began a therapy with antidepressants that is still on.

 

At the end of February I started a LDR relationship with a man I' ve been knowing for about 7 years, divorced with a child and 10 years older than me, whom also happen to be my lawyer.

This guy during all these years tried to have a chance with me, but I always turned it down because I wasn't attracted to him nor I was interested in having a relationship with a divorced man with a child.

When we met again he was actually dating another woman, but again he professed his interest in having a relationship with me.

 

At that time I must confess I was feeling lost and lonely, so I decided to give it a go as long as we would be exclusive. He asked me for time for managing the situation with the other woman and I agreed.

I gave him time and space in order to make his mind about everything: I wasn' t controlling nor pushing and gave him complete freedom to do as he wished.

After 1 month we met again, he told me he had asked the other woman a break and that I should consider our relationship exclusive.

We made love for the first time that night and we began our amazing love story.

I developped a strong attraction for him and all our moments felt amazing and intense, or so I believed.

 

Around 6 weeks ago I discovered that he lied to me and that he attended a show with his ex a couple of weeks later the day we decided to become exclusive.

I confronted him and he lied again until I showed him the proof of what I was accusing him of.

He simply answered that he went with her because he didn't want to hurt her and that he finalized their relationship a few days after that.

He showed me their messages and I discovered that he didn't tell her about me but actually sabotated their relationship so that she would think she was the one to end it.

This was done, according to him, in order no to hurt her.

 

I decided to end our relationship immediately because I was extremely hurt and felt I could not trust him anymore, and took the first plane home.

I started immediately NC, he cancelled our holidays already reserved and sent me a short note stating that he made the biggest mistake of his life and that he missed me deeply. He didn't begged or pleaded and never brought up the issue again.

 

Unfortunately, I could not go NC completely because he' s following some work related stuff, and we had to exchange mail every now and then and talk on the phone.

I always talked only about work not asking nor delivering information until yesterday, when for the first time, after 6 weeks from the BU, he asked me directly for a second chance.

He partly recognised the hurt he did unintentionally to me, but at the same time defending somehow his behaviour in order not to to hurt his ex.

He told me that I could ask him all kind of warrants in order to be able to trust him again, and asked me to think about that for a couple of days.

 

I would like to try again because I still live him deeply and miss him a lot, but I am unsure if I will be able to trust him again, I am not a controlling person at all and I don' t want to become like that.

Moreover, I feel anger he did this to me in a very sad moment of my life and I resent him for going on lying in my face after I told him I knew the truth.

Sometimes I also feel the urge to tell the other woman the truth.

In case I accept, I would have to move to another Country just to be with him.

Please give me advice.

[Zahara]

Personally, I wouldn't risk a second round of this. He's LD and there's no possible way for you to determine if this man can be trusted. He's been full of words since day one, playing two women at the same time. It's hard enough to maintain a relationship when two people are in close proximity but to pursue a relationship with a man that is LD, has already established himself as a cheater and within weeks/several months has already destroyed trust. He cheated, then lied, then denied, then ONLY partially recognized the hurt he caused and defended some of his actions? And you don't even know what he's doing and saying to this other woman. Nope. Nope. Nope.

 

You came out from a bad relationship, and within this short period of time, you're back in the fire again. Stay single for awhile. Learn how to heal on your own from your unresolved hurts of the past. Become emotionally independent. And move on from there.

 

And this has nothing to do with you being controlling but everything to do with trustworthiness.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Zahara

[ExpatInItaly]

Unequivocally, no. I would not give this man another chance.

 

He had his chance and totally blew it. You know now he is capable of lying to you and manipulating you and others to suit his own needs. He failed the interview.

 

This type of selfish callousness should be on Deal-breaker List, not a Maybe-He- Will-Still- Be- a- Good -Boyfriend- Someday List.

[juniorrocha]

You confronted him about something. He lied. You kept asking. He kept lying. Then you showed him proof and then the truth came out. He also manipulated someone else. Not to mention LDR requires a lot of trust. And you'd been with him for what, 3 months?

 

Is this really the kind of man you want to be with?

[Tinkerbelll]

Fair enough. I certainly agree with you, he made a huge, huge mistake.

And as a matter of fact I broke it off and went absolute NC from day one.

I am wondering if he was really sorry, if he really made the biggest mistake of his life like he said etc..what would he need to do now to deserve a second chance?

He said I can ask any kind of warrants(don't understand what he means by the way, like checking his mobile or Pc?I wouldn't be interested in that) and he will comply to all my requests.

[Zahara]

I am wondering if he was really sorry, if he really made the biggest mistake of his life like he said etc..what would he need to do now to deserve a second chance?

He said I can ask any kind of warrants(don't understand what he means by the way, like checking his mobile or Pc?I wouldn't be interested in that) and he will comply to all my requests.

 

You're not getting it.

 

There was a continued need to keep lying to cover his tracks. Infact, even when you confronted, he lied. If a person had a conscience, a moral compass, you wouldn't have to keep catching them in lies -- they'd learn from their first wrongdoing, come clean and resolve to not do it again. Those weren't mistakes. Those were actions that were carried out with full understanding that it was wrong and hurtful with the total disregard for both you and the other woman. This would mean that this man is able to deceive and manipulate very easily. Even worse, he half heartedly took responsibility for his actions and then defended it. Do you not see how dangerous his behavior is?

 

In 3 months, you're needing to monitor your partner's steps and whereabouts? That would mean having to police him so that you ensure his trustworthiness? Would that also mean that you will have to constantly be looking over your shoulder because you can't trust your partner? Check his mobile? Check his PC? Ever heard of cheaters getting a second phone? Ever heard of cheaters deleting their tracks? This is not his first rodeo.

 

You asked for advice. No one is going to tell you this is a situation worth exploring or investing. Too many red flags. And it's only been 4 months.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Zahara

[angel.eyes]

Fair enough. I certainly agree with you, he made a huge, huge mistake.

And as a matter of fact I broke it off and went absolute NC from day one.

I am wondering if he was really sorry, if he really made the biggest mistake of his life like he said etc..what would he need to do now to deserve a second chance?

He said I can ask any kind of warrants(don't understand what he means by the way, like checking his mobile or Pc?I wouldn't be interested in that) and he will comply to all my requests.

So basically, you regret your original decision and are looking for support to back track???

 

The guy lied to your face about seeing another woman! Dug his heels in and lied to your face some more about her when you confronted him with the truth! If you didn't show him incontrovertible proof, he would still be lying to your face!!! This is the man you want to have a relationship with??? To make matters worse, his excuse for his appalling behavior is that he wanted his girlfriend who had no idea he was sleeping with you, to break up with him...in other words, he's a manipulative, cheating liar, who incidentally happens to live in another country. Frankly, it's mind-boggling that you want anything to do with him, his crocodile tears, and feigned regret.

 

When people show you who they are, believe them. He was crystal clear about his character when you confronted him and he continued to lie point blank and then excuse his behavior away by saying he was manipulating his girlfriend into breaking up with him some indeterminate time after he was supposedly exclusive with you. (TBH, I'm not even sure how anyone explains that away with a straight face, but then again, he clearly has no scruples, and apparently, you've bought into his crap fest hook, line, and sinker since you're here reconsidering your decision.)

 

Did he ever break up with this girlfriend of his? Did he just take a brief break because he's "so busy" with work? You have no idea of what is really going on when you sit in another country getting almost all your information from a proven liar and cheater.

 

Bottom line: this man is not any kind of relationship material!

Edited July 2, 2016 by angel.eyes

[smudge21]

Do you trust him? Could you ever truly trust him again? I reckon after all this, you would struggle to feel totally comfortable around him and any doubts you have would eat away at you and the relationship. Two people getting together should be happy from the start and full or trust and mutual respect. He's destroyed that at such an early stage and that's not how a loving relationship should be. You should start on a nice smooth road, not a bumpy uneven one full of cracks.

[Tinkerbelll]

Thank you. I think he's aware of the damage done and also ashamed by his behaviour.

I am not sure I will be able to trust him, also because I suspect he gets adrenaline in this kind of situations.

In all those years he didn't have any serious long relationship, but he talked with me about marriage and kids. He really seemed so much in love with me that I was surprised he didn't contact me while I was NC.

It' s true we've been together only for a couple of months, but I've been knowing him for years, and at my age you usually understand pretty quickly if it could work out.

I think I will turn down his offer, but I cannot hide that am curious/hopeful to see if he will do something else in order to get me back.

For sure, at the moment words are not enough.

[Zahara]

In all those years he didn't have any serious long relationship, but he talked with me about marriage and kids. He really seemed so much in love with me that I was surprised he didn't contact me while I was NC.

 

You'd think that if he placed you in such high esteem, he would have made sure to treat you appropriately. Having been there and done that, he seems like the kind that's all about the words rather than action.

 

It' s true we've been together only for a couple of months, but I've been knowing him for years, and at my age you usually understand pretty quickly if it could work out.

 

Example: I've known James since I was 15. We grew up together and to this day, 30 years later, he's been my closest and dearest friend. I think the world of him. Last year he ended with his girlfriend. Turns out he cheated on her twice. So, there is no comparison as to knowing someone on a platonic level versus an initimate relationship. Two very different dynamics. And most times, you never really, truly know who they really are.

 

I think I will turn down his offer, but I cannot hide that am curious/hopeful to see if he will do something else in order to get me back.

For sure, at the moment words are not enough.

 

Of course, he'll try. If he knows there's a crack, he'll try to see if he can get through.

Edited July 3, 2016 by Zahara

[elaine567]

You're not getting it.

Those weren't mistakes. Those were actions that were carried out with full understanding that it was wrong and hurtful with the total disregard for both you and the other woman. This would mean that this man is able to deceive and manipulate very easily.

 

Reiterated for truth.

[angel.eyes]

Thank you. I think he's aware of the damage done and also ashamed by his behaviour.

Beware of your assumption that others would react and feel the same way you would in a particular situation, particularly when their values differ so substantially from yours. Cheaters put themselves ahead of others. Words are pretty meaningless with this one. He promised you he was exclusive with you, yet he was seeing his girlfriend.

 

I'm sure he has regret:

• Regret that you caught him.
  
• Regret that whatever source you used to catch him was available to you. (Rest assured that he won't get caught that way again.)
  
• Regret that he didn't do a better job of covering his tracks. (He'll do a way better job of that moving forward.)
  
• Regret that so far his choice of words isn't working. (He'll keep trying different combinations until he gets it right.)
  

 

Don't think this is about his "deep" feelings for you. It isn't. This is about his need to trick you and his girlfriend so that he gets to eat his cake and have it too. The fact that you live in another country is ideal for his situation.

 

Your best choice would be to go fully NC. That includes blocking him so that he can't contact you. The fact that you're still having exchanges where he's promising "warrants" and promising to do better (read: at covering his tracks), and you're wondering what he'll say next, tells me that you're anything but NC.

[Tinkerbelll]

Beware of your assumption that others would react and feel the same way you would in a particular situation, particularly when their values differ so substantially from yours. Cheaters put themselves ahead of others. Words are pretty meaningless with this one. He promised you he was exclusive with you, yet he was seeing his girlfriend.

 

I'm sure he has regret:

• Regret that you caught him.
  
• Regret that whatever source you used to catch him was available to you. (Rest assured that he won't get caught that way again.)
  
• Regret that he didn't do a better job of covering his tracks. (He'll do a way better job of that moving forward.)
  
• Regret that so far his choice of words isn't working. (He'll keep trying different combinations until he gets it right.)
  

 

Don't think this is about his "deep" feelings for you. It isn't. This is about his need to trick you and his girlfriend so that he gets to eat his cake and have it too. The fact that you live in another country is ideal for his situation.

 

Your best choice would be to go fully NC. That includes blocking him so that he can't contact you. The fact that you're still having exchanges where he's promising "warrants" and promising to do better (read: at covering his tracks), and you're wondering what he'll say next, tells me that you're anything but NC.

 

I cannot go fully NC because he's following two court cases on my behalf in his Country unfortunately.

I just wonder if any of you contemplates the possibility of a second chance, everybody makes mistakes, I did in the past too and no way I would do them again.

[elaine567]

In all those years he didn't have any serious long relationship, but he talked with me about marriage and kids.

 

I once knew a man like this, he was a coworker of mine for years, and he told me one day he always brings up marriage and kids to every gf he has ever had early on as it keeps them interested and makes them feel special.

Yet, he never settled down, though he did live with them for a while and enjoyed all the home comforts, he never got married to any of them, never had any intentions of marrying anyone, never had any kids, no intention of having kids and regularly replaced them with the next one that took his interest. He was not averse to cheating on them either.

 

Be careful.

[angel.eyes]

I cannot go fully NC because he's following two court cases on my behalf in his Country unfortunately.

I just wonder if any of you contemplates the possibility of a second chance, everybody makes mistakes, I did in the past too and no way I would do them again.

 

Is he your lawyer? You need to find someone else because this guy is untrustworthy.

 

Rarely does every poster agree on an issue. The fact that the feedback on your wish to start dating him again is so uniformly negative, should be a wake-up call to you. As I suspected in my first post on your thread, you're just looking for one person to tell you it's okay so that you can reverse your decision. That's an action you would truly regret.

[Tinkerbelll]

These are his own words so that you can get a better understanding(text he sent me after phone call in which he brought up US):

 

"Tinkerbelll, you cannot even imagine how happy I was, knowing how much I hurt you, to hear that you could give a thought about giving me a second chance. I also know that it' s unlikely that you will change your mind but in this moment I am the happiest person on earth."

 

(Me saying NO since circumstances proved we were wrong and wishing him the best)

 

"You are my ideal woman and circumstances were against us, think about that for a couple of days, you will get any king of warrants you want in order to be able to trust me again, I assure you I won't waste a second chance".

[angel.eyes]

What circumstances were against you? That he was incapable of breaking up with his girlfriend? That he was incapable of being straightforward and honest?

 

He lied to your face about his girlfriend even after you confronted him with the truth. That's who he is. All the charming words in the world don't change that fact.

 

You know why he's telling you to give him warrants...in other words give him all the ways you would check up on him? So that he doesn't accidentally leave some of his tracks uncovered again. Congratulations! He's asking you to help him be a better liar/cheater.

 

Is he your lawyer? I noticed you ignored that question.

Edited July 3, 2016 by angel.eyes

[Tinkerbelll]

 

Is he your lawyer? I noticed you ignored that question.

 

Yes, he is, I explained that in my first post

[Zahara]

I just wonder if any of you contemplates the possibility of a second chance, everybody makes mistakes, I did in the past too and no way I would do them again.

 

Again, this wasn't a mistake. This was lie after lie with with full understanding that it was wrong, with disregard for how it would impact the two of you. Lies were only self-serving.

 

Yes, no way you would make a mistake again because YOU learn from the first one. But he kept on doing it. There's a difference between someone having a conscience and a moral compass and choosing to do the right thing versus what this man has done, which was knowingly deceive, even lie when caught and even defend his actions.

Edited July 3, 2016 by Zahara

[Zahara]

"Tinkerbelll, you cannot even imagine how happy I was, knowing how much I hurt you, to hear that you could give a thought about giving me a second chance. I also know that it' s unlikely that you will change your mind but in this moment I am the happiest person on earth."

 

"You are my ideal woman and circumstances were against us, think about that for a couple of days, you will get any king of warrants you want in order to be able to trust me again, I assure you I won't waste a second chance".

 

Having been with a cheater and a liar -- the more flowery the words, the more shallow the emotion.

 

Circumstances were against us? I guess that justifies his need to lie. Trust if you had never caught him, you'd probably still be in the dark.

[angel.eyes]

Yes, he is, I explained that in my first post

 

My bad. I missed that. You need a new lawyer.

 

I'm not sure what country he's in, but in many countries it's unethical for lawyers to date their clients while actively representing their interests in a case. It's a huge conflict of interest when things go south as has happened here. (The same is true for physicians. In many jurisdictions, dating your patients is grounds for losing your license.)

 

You need to remove this man from your life. He's nothing but bad news. Start by getting a new lawyer.

[ChickiePops]

You lost me at 'he wasn't supportive when your father died' but after reading the rest of the post I want to smack this guy.

 

NO!!! He is awful. He doesn't deserve a second chance. Not even a little bit.

[Tinkerbelll]

Today he asked me to meet, apparently he bought me a gift and wants to deliver it in person. He added he would understand if I said no.

I decided to go out and listen to him, I am not confident we could work this out but I will update once I meet him.

He will come next week, on the only available to day I gave to him, he will cancel whatever he has in his agenda, take a plane and rent a car in order to see me again, I admit he could not do more to prove me he's serious about us.

Please share your opinions if you feel like, thanks.

[Zahara]

He will come next week, on the only available to day I gave to him, he will cancel whatever he has in his agenda, take a plane and rent a car in order to see me again, I admit he could not do more to prove me he's serious about us.

 

When it mattered the most -- extending you full honesty, trust and empathy, respecting your value, he failed miserably. But getting a gift, getting on a plane, renting a car to come and see you is some sort of gesture that shows and proves his seriousness about you? Your inability to focus on the former, which is what's most important and meaningful but rather on the latter which is pretty easy for anyone to do as some significant gesture.

 

You've received unanimous responses that he is bad news. But sometimes you have to figure out the truth and the potential of what you believe in on your own. Hopefully everything works out for you regardless of where this goes.

Edited July 6, 2016 by Zahara

[Tinkerbelll]

I found out by chance that he recently bought a roundtrip ticket to a woman from Russia to visit him at the end of the month, he doesn't know I know and I am unsure on what to do next. I feel betrayed again but somehow I didn't trusted him that much and I am not planning to tell him I know.