I'm starting to believe I'll never find anyone.

[bummer]

Sorry man. All things considered you haven't expressed anything as an obvious red flag except your attitude.

 

This woe is me routine is very unattractive to women.

 

You have to fake it to make it. Be patient.

[normal person]

I deleted my online dating accounts today. After having been on them for eight months and having no success, seemed pointless having them up.

 

I just wish I understood what about me puts women off.

 

Perhaps they aren't put off, just not "put on" quite yet? Sometimes you have to do a little legwork, y'know?

 

And yes, as the poster above said, fake it 'til you make it. The self pity won't get you far.

 

Best of luck.

[LightWave93]

With respect guys, this has been a problem for my entire life. Yes, I'm feeling negative about it presently, but even when I never gave a damn this was an issue.

 

Also, normal_person, I do *plenty* of legwork. Nothing.

 

Only being honest. I have no reason to lie or exaggerate because that won't get me anywhere.

[Ensam]

While it's great that you really took the time to analyze yourself and where you're possibly going wrong, it's also a dangerous path to walk down cause you can end up nitpicking yourself for years without getting much closer to an answer and the only result will be you have ruined any belief you had in yourself to begin with.

 

So let's go back to the basics. Putting everything else aside, it is essentially a numbers game. Women as different individuals has different tastes and the more of them you approach the better are your odds at finding one that reciprocates. This is also the main reason why the men treating them like garbage are successful. They have very little inhibitions, approaches many and almost always makes a strong impression, even if it's a bad one. They will be shot down and rejected by plenty of the women but there will also always be women with self-esteem issues or previous experiences of abuse that falls for them.

 

Now you seem to come in contact with some women but is it mostly when going out or what? If so, skip the bars. Too much people, too noisy and too little time to make much of an impression. Get engaged in daytime social activities. There are groups meeting up for all sorts of different interests and it's a big perk knowing the people attending them has at least one interest in common with you. If you don't find love there I can almost at least guarantee you will make some friends. See what else is going on where you live. If it's a big city, get on something like Reddit and put an ad for that city looking for friends or someone to date.

 

So work on increasing the amount of women you meet and increasing your own percentage of women you make an attempt at. If you're fairly average or above on the whole then I think this will make a much bigger difference than tearing apart your body language or trying to change the way you look.

[LightWave93]

While it's great that you really took the time to analyze yourself and where you're possibly going wrong, it's also a dangerous path to walk down cause you can end up nitpicking yourself for years without getting much closer to an answer and the only result will be you have ruined any belief you had in yourself to begin with.

 

So let's go back to the basics. Putting everything else aside, it is essentially a numbers game. Women as different individuals has different tastes and the more of them you approach the better are your odds at finding one that reciprocates. This is also the main reason why the men treating them like garbage are successful. They have very little inhibitions, approaches many and almost always makes a strong impression, even if it's a bad one. They will be shot down and rejected by plenty of the women but there will also always be women with self-esteem issues or previous experiences of abuse that falls for them.

 

Now you seem to come in contact with some women but is it mostly when going out or what? If so, skip the bars. Too much people, too noisy and too little time to make much of an impression. Get engaged in daytime social activities. There are groups meeting up for all sorts of different interests and it's a big perk knowing the people attending them has at least one interest in common with you. If you don't find love there I can almost at least guarantee you will make some friends. See what else is going on where you live. If it's a big city, get on something like Reddit and put an ad for that city looking for friends or someone to date.

 

So work on increasing the amount of women you meet and increasing your own percentage of women you make an attempt at. If you're fairly average or above on the whole then I think this will make a much bigger difference than tearing apart your body language or trying to change the way you look.

 

The thing is, I don't back down from trying...which is why this is so frustrating for me. You talk about it being a numbers game; well I'm afraid after almost an entire year of trying I'm still stuck at number 0. I'm upset and disappointed because I'm surrounding by beautiful young women and I'm not experiencing any of the carefree excitement everyone else around me is experiencing. I've tried Reddit, Tinder, OkCupid, POF etc to no avail and I'm just not getting anywhere. You mention all these activities etc; I do just this. To keep it short and sweet; every common piece of advice related to this sort of thing I have tried and have found no success in.

 

And you're right, I'm nitpicking at myself and have ruined the belief I had in myself. My confidence and self-esteem has shattered. After years of hardship, I finally got to a point in life where I was happy only for my ex to completely tear my life apart. I've slowly picked up the pieces, worked on myself, but dating has just been one pitfall after another. I still do therapy now.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've contemplated seeing an escort just for the sake of it, and the feeling of being stuck in this rut forever makes me feel suicidal. Alas, I know what you're going to say; you need to be happy with yourself before you can find someone. I am happy for the most part with my life, and as you perhaps can tell I have successes in other areas...but I *want* to find an answer to this and it's killing me inside not being able to find one. It's a barrier I can't overcome and it frustrates me to no end and is on my mind 24/7. It's as if life is playing a joke on me, as I know people who are mentally unstable, outright abusive etc and still have more fortune than me. For all intents and purposes, I'm a good guy with a lot going for him but this lack of progress is driving me insane.

[VeveCakes]

Move.

 

Sometimes all you need is a new city to ignite the flames. I'm totally serious.

[Ensam]

The thing is, I don't back down from trying...which is why this is so frustrating for me. You talk about it being a numbers game; well I'm afraid after almost an entire year of trying I'm still stuck at number 0. I'm upset and disappointed because I'm surrounding by beautiful young women and I'm not experiencing any of the carefree excitement everyone else around me is experiencing. I've tried Reddit, Tinder, OkCupid, POF etc to no avail and I'm just not getting anywhere. You mention all these activities etc; I do just this. To keep it short and sweet; every common piece of advice related to this sort of thing I have tried and have found no success in.

 

And you're right, I'm nitpicking at myself and have ruined the belief I had in myself. My confidence and self-esteem has shattered. After years of hardship, I finally got to a point in life where I was happy only for my ex to completely tear my life apart. I've slowly picked up the pieces, worked on myself, but dating has just been one pitfall after another. I still do therapy now.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've contemplated seeing an escort just for the sake of it, and the feeling of being stuck in this rut forever makes me feel suicidal. Alas, I know what you're going to say; you need to be happy with yourself before you can find someone. I am happy for the most part with my life, and as you perhaps can tell I have successes in other areas...but I *want* to find an answer to this and it's killing me inside not being able to find one. It's a barrier I can't overcome and it frustrates me to no end and is on my mind 24/7. It's as if life is playing a joke on me, as I know people who are mentally unstable, outright abusive etc and still have more fortune than me. For all intents and purposes, I'm a good guy with a lot going for him but this lack of progress is driving me insane.

 

 

I wasn't going to say that actually cause it's mostly a cliché. Being happy with oneself or loving oneself doesn't equal attracting a bunch of people, there are plenty of miserable (and as you said, even crazy and abusive) people that gets into relationships. It's just something that helps you feel better about yourself and give off some positive vibes.

 

Okay as far as internet dating goes and reddit etc, it's worth a shot but very difficult for many of us and not just you. So I wouldn't feel so down over it if I were you. It's more problematic though if you really put yourself out there in other ways too actually meeting a lot of people in person and not getting anywhere.

 

I haven't read the entire topic but would like to ask you a bunch of questions to try to pinpoint the issue here. I realize some of them are personal, just answer what you're comfortable with:

 

In a months time, on average, how many new women do you come into contact with? How many of them would you estimate you feel attracted to/interested in? And how many of them do you hit on? Is it much easier to talk to women when intoxicated or do you not notice any major difference from when sober? Do you feel like women show any initial interest and if they do, at what point does it disappear? Any possibility of linking anything you say or do to that? How much variety is there among women you talk to - do you have a certain type or do you go for all different sorts? Do you watch porn/masturbate frequently? Are you absolutely certain you would notice if girls around you were interested? (Some are very discreet when checking men out) Are you by any chance excessively hygienic? How would you describe your default facial expression when around people? Do you feel as ignored in non-romantical situations or are men and women more prone then to socialize with you?

[LightWave93]

Move.

 

Sometimes all you need is a new city to ignite the flames. I'm totally serious.

 

I'm a student for another three years, and am contracted to a house for at least a year. Not plausible.

 

I haven't read the entire topic but would like to ask you a bunch of questions to try to pinpoint the issue here. I realize some of them are personal, just answer what you're comfortable with:

 

In a months time, on average, how many new women do you come into contact with? How many of them would you estimate you feel attracted to/interested in? And how many of them do you hit on? Is it much easier to talk to women when intoxicated or do you not notice any major difference from when sober? Do you feel like women show any initial interest and if they do, at what point does it disappear? Any possibility of linking anything you say or do to that? How much variety is there among women you talk to - do you have a certain type or do you go for all different sorts? Do you watch porn/masturbate frequently? Are you absolutely certain you would notice if girls around you were interested? (Some are very discreet when checking men out) Are you by any chance excessively hygienic? How would you describe your default facial expression when around people? Do you feel as ignored in non-romantical situations or are men and women more prone then to socialize with you?

 

I suggest you read the topic, but very happy to answer.

 

Loads. I can't say for certain. I'm at university so needless to say plenty of women around.

Many, at least on a superficial level.

Very few, and my reasoning for that is that their interest in me appears to be zero right off the bat, even on a friendship level.

I don't notice much of a difference at all, but I prefer being sober.

I've only had two girls show an interest of me within the year, and both were...not in the right place emotionally.

Nope. I'm quite relaxed, friendly, chatty.

I go for all sorts. I can't really afford to be picky right now.

Yes, but I'm trying to decrease this (which is going to be tremendously difficult given how I have a high sex drive. God help me).

I'm fairly good at picking up signals (frequency in conversation/initiation, physical contact, eye contact etc).

Excessively hygienic? That's a new one. I would say no.

Neutral.

 

Last question is most important; I do feel to some degree I suffer socially also. People in general don't seem to be "attracted" to me, but women more-so. The thing is, the friends I do have think the world of me; they support me and value my friendship, and recently I was described as the most down to earth guy they knew. Yet, sadly, when it comes to keeping in contact or making arrangements I always seem to be on the back-burner.

[Ensam]

I suggest you read the topic, but very happy to answer.

 

Loads. I can't say for certain. I'm at university so needless to say plenty of women around.

Many, at least on a superficial level.

Very few, and my reasoning for that is that their interest in me appears to be zero right off the bat, even on a friendship level.

 

I've done so now.

 

Well I certainly understand your reasoning for that. But it means part of the problem could still be that you aren't approaching enough women. I don't know what the culture is like where you're at but where I live people aren't overly social, talkative or approachable right off the bat, it can take quite a lot of energy and really making an effort on your part to get anywhere. Maybe you're already doing that and they still seem completely uninterested. I just want to be certain we aren't dealing with a situation here where you are writing yourself off even quicker than they are.

 

Yes, but I'm trying to decrease this (which is going to be tremendously difficult given how I have a high sex drive. God help me).

 

I think you should do that. I don't really believe in the whole NoFap culture but I do think it is possible that our behaviour and what vibes we are giving off is altered to some degree depending on whether we are fairly satisfied for the moment or really hungry for some action. I have abstained from it in the past and will try it again myself due to a very unfortunate event I experienced recently.

 

Last question is most important; I do feel to some degree I suffer socially also. People in general don't seem to be "attracted" to me, but women more-so. The thing is, the friends I do have think the world of me; they support me and value my friendship, and recently I was described as the most down to earth guy they knew. Yet, sadly, when it comes to keeping in contact or making arrangements I always seem to be on the back-burner.

 

Has it always been this way?

Do you feel there is a balance when talking to new people or is if often either you or them doing most of the talking?

[VeveCakes]

Actually it is plausible.

 

Change schools, break the lease.

 

Don't expect change if you can't take risks.

[LightWave93]

I've done so now.

 

Well I certainly understand your reasoning for that. But it means part of the problem could still be that you aren't approaching enough women. I don't know what the culture is like where you're at but where I live people aren't overly social, talkative or approachable right off the bat, it can take quite a lot of energy and really making an effort on your part to get anywhere. Maybe you're already doing that and they still seem completely uninterested. I just want to be certain we aren't dealing with a situation here where you are writing yourself off even quicker than they are.

 

It's a catch 22, really. In recent months/weeks I haven't because my confidence is so shot I just...I don't know I can't muster the courage. It's gotten to the point now I don't even know what to say. When university first started and for several months thereafter I was meeting new women left, right and center. No luck romantically back then though either.

 

I mean the other thing is now I've developed this mindset where I'm "not worthy". There are some absolute stunners in my locale that get hounded by fit sports lads. I on the other hand am a Computing Science student with a slim physique. Sure I have my jobs and my own interests, but it doesn't seem to amount for much. Of course, with that said I wouldn't shoot for the hotties exclusively, but even cute shy girls (which are more likely to be my type) don't want anything to do with me.

 

Has it always been this way?

Do you feel there is a balance when talking to new people or is if often either you or them doing most of the talking?

 

To cut a long story short, yes because at college/highschool I was never given an opportunity to socialise due to bullying. It's only been in the past year I've been able to develop the confidence to meet new people and talk to them. I'm a uni student without the normal experiences of childhood/teenage interaction with peers, if that makes sense?

 

I usually do most of the talking because without my effort I won't ever get approached, almost as if there's a sign above my head that says "Do not come near me". Friends claim I'm welcoming and friendly, don't know why I think people don't approach me, but sure enough I've been on nights out and been the only guy new people won't speak to.

 

Actually it is plausible.

 

Change schools, break the lease.

 

Don't expect change if you can't take risks.

 

It would be a very bad idea.

 

For starters this is the first time I've actually made some legitimate friends that enjoy my company and stand by me, and this is in my early 20's.

 

I can't break the lease without it costing a ton which is not something I can do.

 

Most of my jobs revolve around the university, and abandoning them now would be a poor choice given the amount of personal and professional experience it's giving me.

 

It's not financially viable as I can't travel, and I wouldn't receive financial support for one or more of my years at the next uni due to my age.

 

All-in-all, bad idea but wouldn't be once I graduate. Besides, I fear the same issue would occur again anyway.

[VeveCakes]

Of course you do, you aren't even willing to consider it. Jobs, school, friends are not tied to one location. Your attitude is the limiting factor. Maybe there aren't girls in your town for you, then what?

 

I know it's a far out suggestion, but thinking outside the box might be what you need.

[LightWave93]

Of course you do, you aren't even willing to consider it. Jobs, school, friends are not tied to one location. Your attitude is the limiting factor. Maybe there aren't girls in your town for you, then what?

 

I have considered it before, and I decided the pros of staying outweigh the pros of leaving.

 

Besides, when ultimately I am happy with everything else in my life, leaving that all behind in the pursuit of women isn't the best of decisions in my opinion. That, and I am almost convinced that moving would not improve my situation in the slightest.

[normal person]

How tall are you? And how much do you weigh?

 

My confidence and self-esteem has shattered.

 

This is likely the culprit of a lot of problems. If you seem insecure or not confident, it's a horrible look.

 

I don't know I can't muster the courage. It's gotten to the point now I don't even know what to say.

 

When I hear "I don't know what to say," it sounds like you think you need a prepared statement or something like that. I would suggest you just have organic conversations with people. Talk about circumstantial things and let your personality shine rather than trying to crack some code.

 

Of course, with that said I wouldn't shoot for the hotties exclusively, but even cute shy girls (which are more likely to be my type) don't want anything to do with me.

 

To cut a long story short, yes because at college/highschool I was never given an opportunity to socialise due to bullying. It's only been in the past year I've been able to develop the confidence to meet new people and talk to them. I'm a uni student without the normal experiences of childhood/teenage interaction with peers, if that makes sense?

 

I'm noticing a disconnect here. As you said in the original post, some people say say you're respectable, intelligent, good natured, very physically attractive man, but here you say other people also don't want anything to do with you and bully you. I'm not saying you're lying, I'm just saying that we probably still don't have the whole story. If you don't mind me asking, what were you being bullied for, and why did prevent you from having an opportunity to socialize?

 

people have told me I am a respectable, mature, kind, intelligent, and all-round good man, also being described as very attractive physically. [...] Generally speaking, whatever feedback I have sought from friends, family, internet forums, people I've worked with, my therapists etc...everything they say is positive.

 

I usually do most of the talking because without my effort I won't ever get approached, almost as if there's a sign above my head that says "Do not come near me". Friends claim I'm welcoming and friendly, don't know why I think people don't approach me, but sure enough I've been on nights out and been the only guy new people won't speak to.

 

I think people should take the words of friends with a grain of salt. They're already your friends, it would probably pain them to say anything but encouraging statements. I'm not saying you aren't those things, but maybe there's something else they're neglecting to tell you, or maybe they're embellishing a bit, or something else. When I hear "people say I'm nice, friendly, and very attractive, yet people aren't attracted to me at all," it doesn't seem like they've been using the word "attractive" in the right sense.

 

I have a friend who's a great girl -- personality wise. She's nice, accommodating, friendly, funny, etc. However, all her friends are thin and pretty and she's overweight and not so pretty. The thing is, if she asked me to give a thorough assessment of her (she would never, but let's play devil's advocate here), I'd say "you're cute and wonderful," because she's my friend and I want to make her feel good rather than feel bad. I don't think anything would be gained by saying "Well, obviously, you're the fat friend. You're still cool, though." The point being, if someone's gotten to the point where they have to ask people what they think is wrong with them, then something is probably obviously awry, the people know it, and they don't see any benefit in piling on.

 

So when a woman tells her struggling, noticeably average looking male friend that he's in fact, "handsome," what she very well may mean is "you're not so hideous that I can't be seen with you, and although you're certainly no stunner, you're my friend so I'll say something I think will make you feel good, and not mention the fact that you're only 5'6" and that's probably why women don't want to go out with you."

 

I've seen struggling people come on here and post links to their profiles and pictures so others can say what they think (as if there's much that can be done about it). Consider the contingent of people who feel they have to do such a thing -- they're probably struggling immensely for some reason unbeknownst to them. When you see the pictures and/or profile, the problem might become blatantly obvious to the viewer. Some people sadly just aren't that good looking. Yet, this is a helpful forum, and people will think it's helpful to say "you're good looking," and by that they simply mean, "you're not hideous but I'd feel bad saying 'meh,' or kicking you when you're down." And you will see the poster take the "you're good looking" and thank the poster profusely and wear it as a badge of honor like they're Brad Pitt or something, and quote it in their signature. It's the telltale sign of some who's actually not attractive: putting a ton of stock and ceremony in one person saying they are under any circumstance.

 

All false modesty aside, you know when you're attractive or not. If you're attractive, you've been hearing about it since kindergarten. The opposite sex has made it undeniably clear that they want to be with you, and it's become part of your reality. So when a guy highlights things like "my female friend even told me I was handsome once," or "I even got a girl's phone number at one point," that are commonplace to any conventionally attractive person, I can be pretty confident the guy isn't all he's cracked up to be and is having his ego falsely inflated, more or less. I'm not saying that's the case here, but it is a possibility.

 

So as I said, I'm not saying this is what I think is going on with you, but the principles can be extrapolated beyond looks. Perhaps there is something about that needs improvement/tweaking that you that you don't have the self-awareness to identify, and that your friends don't have the heart to mention. Just consider it a possibility. When you say you've been bullied and/or ignored by women, it leads me to believe there is something going on that people aren't telling you.

 

For starters this is the first time I've actually made some legitimate friends that enjoy my company and stand by me, and this is in my early 20's.

 

What prevented this from happening previously?

Edited July 5, 2016 by normal person

[Beatles4]

I really dont know what to suggest, and I am in the same boat as you!

 

It does get frustrating, especially like when the last 5 girls I "tried" to speak to really didnt want to have conversation with me! Thats me trying to be confident to talk to the girl, but then they dont want to know!

 

Its either your personality or lack of confidence.

[LightWave93]

How tall are you? And how much do you weigh?

 

Thanks for the extensive reply, and for continuing to help me.

 

In answer to that, 5'11 and 60kgs.

 

 

This is likely the culprit of a lot of problems. If you seem insecure or not confident, it's a horrible look.

 

Agreed, though as I said, this is an effect of the lack of success I've been having. Snowball effect.

 

When I hear "I don't know what to say," it sounds like you think you need a prepared statement or something like that. I would suggest you just have organic conversations with people. Talk about circumstantial things and let your personality shine rather than trying to crack some code.

 

Same as above, an effect of lack of success. I usually just "go with the flow", but because I'm lacking the confidence I'm lacking my ability to just roll with it.

 

I'm noticing a disconnect here. As you said in the original post, some people say say you're respectable, intelligent, good natured, very physically attractive man, but here you say other people also don't want anything to do with you and bully you. I'm not saying you're lying, I'm just saying that we probably still don't have the whole story. If you don't mind me asking, what were you being bullied for, and why did prevent you from having an opportunity to socialize?

 

I won't go into too much detail here for privacy concerns (more than happy to talk about it via PM, when I am able), but the bullying was for superficial, childish reasons and were not a reflection of my character, behaviors etc. I was simply an easy target on account of me being the "new kid" when I moved home.

 

As for being unable to socialize, between the ages of 12-18 I never made many friends, and the few I did have were the type to keep to themselves outside of school = never going out. Plus my confidence and self-esteem were shot back then as a result of the hardship so I stuck to myself mostly. Suffice to say aside from my current relationship-building issues, I have the confidence and ability to do what I want in life.

 

So as I said, I'm not saying this is what I think is going on with you, but the principles can be extrapolated beyond looks. Perhaps there is something about that needs improvement/tweaking that you that you don't have the self-awareness to identify, and that your friends don't have the heart to mention. Just consider it a possibility. When you say you've been bullied and/or ignored by women, it leads me to believe there is something going on that people aren't telling you.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with what you're saying, and for a good time I thought about this myself, but fact of the matter is from what I can discern from people this *is* the truth. I've spoken about this extensively in therapy/counselling and they have been just as surprised as yourself when it comes to this problem, also.

 

Appear-wise I'm not the best looker but I'm far from ugly. I quite often get older women compliment my appearance, but no one within my age group. I don't really have any reason to believe people on the internet would necessarily lie to me in an effort to boost my esteem, and some have been genuinely shocked when they eventually see an image of me. At the end of the day beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but whilst I do my best to maximize my appearance/physique ultimately I don't really think about it at all. It was just one aspect of my problem I felt needed mentioning.

 

In terms of my personality, I quite often feel people aren't "drawn" to me, which would explain why I never get approached by anyone new. It's hard for me to explain. I have good friends, some very close ones even, and when we do spend time together everything is great, but I'm just not the sort of person new people want to get to know, and as a result I find it difficult to formulate new friendships (and not for lack of trying). Professionally and academically I'm successful and am recognized as such. Again, much of the sentiments I've heard about myself from friends and family have been echoed by people I've spoken to online, some of whom I've met up with.

 

The only common negative trait each and every one of them has identified is that I need to stop worrying. I would agree with that.

 

 

What prevented this from happening previously?

 

Prior to going to uni, all I did was work or spend time with my partner/family, and honestly I was content with that.

[preraph]

I've had my appearance critiqued. I look fine.

 

Well, hate to say it but your personality must not be working for you. Also, did the critique say you looked "fine," and was it one person or some group evaluating your looks? "Fine" isn't really enough to just draw the women.

 

If you had to think of one thing about you that could be off-putting to women, what would it be?

[LightWave93]

Well, hate to say it but your personality must not be working for you. Also, did the critique say you looked "fine," and was it one person or some group evaluating your looks? "Fine" isn't really enough to just draw the women.

 

If you had to think of one thing about you that could be off-putting to women, what would it be?

 

Clearly not, but I'm not sure what part of my personality it is. Often called "handsome", usually by older women, and I received this feedback from a lot of people.

 

Presently? Lack of confidence. I feel it drain every time I have a new girl flake on me online, or I go out clubbing and not one girl looks at me.

[bummer]

In answer to that, 5'11 and 60kgs.

...

In terms of my personality, I quite often feel people aren't "drawn" to me, which would explain why I never get approached by anyone new.

 

Put on 5-10 kgs of muscle if possible.

 

join new hobbies and clubs. Find people you can have spontaneous conversations with about crap you love.

 

You have the rest of your life to be miserable chasing girls. Do you for a year. Be happy not chasing girls. Fap you're sorrow away if you must.

 

I see you coming here in a few years after the girl of your dreams dumps you asking why and perpetuating the circle...

 

Seriously, go lift and get a "personality" by exploring new things and smile more.

[LightWave93]

I see you coming here in a few years after the girl of your dreams dumps you asking why and perpetuating the circle...

 

Is it really necessary to say that? I've come here looking for help. I didn't ask for this to happen to me.

 

Working on the muscle, mind you.

[normal person]

As for being unable to socialize, between the ages of 12-18 I never made many friends, and the few I did have were the type to keep to themselves outside of school = never going out. Plus my confidence and self-esteem were shot back then as a result of the hardship so I stuck to myself mostly. Suffice to say aside from my current relationship-building issues, I have the confidence and ability to do what I want in life.

 

Well you said it yourself, it would appear that you've got some issue building relationships. It's kind of odd that you went most of your teenage years without making friends. I wonder if there's some sort of residual affect on you now.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with what you're saying, and for a good time I thought about this myself, but fact of the matter is from what I can discern from people this *is* the truth. I've spoken about this extensively in therapy/counselling and they have been just as surprised as yourself when it comes to this problem, also.

 

Fair enough, I don't doubt it.

 

 

In terms of my personality, I quite often feel people aren't "drawn" to me, which would explain why I never get approached by anyone new. It's hard for me to explain. I have good friends, some very close ones even, and when we do spend time together everything is great, but I'm just not the sort of person new people want to get to know,

 

Can you think of any noticeable difference between people you want to get to know, or people others want to get to know, and yourself?

 

The only common negative trait each and every one of them has identified is that I need to stop worrying. I would agree with that.

 

 

Yes. Not only that, you need to do the opposite. You need to exude confidence (fake it if you have to) and, I would suggest, be encouraging, enthusiastic, and engaging. Be a positive force in the world rather than a negative one.

 

Prior to going to uni, all I did was work or spend time with my partner/family, and honestly I was content with that.

 

Well you probably should've hedged your bets a bit and developed some relationships apart from those. Some diversification would help, I bet.

 

I can sympathize with you but I still feel like we don't know the whole story. Something seems off.

[LightWave93]

Well you said it yourself, it would appear that you've got some issue building relationships. It's kind of odd that you went most of your teenage years without making friends. I wonder if there's some sort of residual affect on you now.

 

I concur, and we're touching upon this in therapy, but the reason we can't find is *why*.

 

My lack of friendships wasn't by choice. I had a handful of friendships, sure, but nothing ever close. I stayed in contact with one lad throughout these years and got back in contact with two others about a year ago; we don't speak much due to busy lives, but we're there for each other (two of whom recently come out and told me there's "nothing wrong with you", and this is coming from people who saw the quiet nobody).

 

Can you think of any noticeable difference between people you want to get to know, or people others want to get to know, and yourself?

 

Assuming I understand the question correctly, let me give you an example.

 

At a party; I will approach someone, introduce myself, we chat for a few minutes and that's it.

My friend will approach someone, introduce themselves, they chat for a few minutes and they've made a new friend.

 

As I said, I've witnessed first hand girls add my friends on social media etc without having even spoken to them. In contrast, I once spent a good ten minutes talking to one girl (and my friend who was nearby even left to give us the opportunity), I already had her on social media somehow but when I tried striking up a conversation again she didn't want to know.

 

Yes. Not only that, you need to do the opposite. You need to exude confidence (fake it if you have to) and, I would suggest, be encouraging, enthusiastic, and engaging. Be a positive force in the world rather than a negative one.

 

I wouldn't say I was a negative force per-se, I just have my good and bad days. It's odd really, because I *know* my friends value me. I really do. They love my company and we're all have a laugh and they know I'll be there for them when they're feeling down. Just nothing "attracts" them to me, like they seem to be drawn to others.

 

Well you probably should've hedged your bets a bit and developed some relationships apart from those. Some diversification would help, I bet.

 

Without going into detail, again for privacy, because of my lack of friendships in real life I ended up making a lot of friendships online. Still have many of them to this day, have known them for years and have even met a few of them. When my ex came into my life, those that were female I ended up drifting apart from subconsciously (and benefit of hindsight allows me to see this now) because my ex was terribly insecure of my relationships with them. I still had many of my male friends, but a lot was going on for a good numbers of years so I had other things to worry about.

 

I can sympathize with you but I still feel like we don't know the whole story. Something seems off.

 

There is one other thing I can think of, but I would rather discuss that via PM (when/if I am able to).

[normal person]

I concur, and we're touching upon this in therapy, but the reason we can't find is *why*.

 

Fair enough, I'm assuming (hoping) your therapist is more qualified than me so I'll leave between you two.

 

Assuming I understand the question correctly, let me give you an example.

 

At a party; I will approach someone, introduce myself, we chat for a few minutes and that's it.

My friend will approach someone, introduce themselves, they chat for a few minutes and they've made a new friend.

 

This is a bit hard without a transcript, but usually the bridge between meeting someone (women at least) and getting them to like you is to make them feel something. If you're just exchanging information, it's all just superficial nonsense. "My name is _____, I'm 23, I work at ______ and I like ______." It doesn't matter. However if you start talking to someone about how you operate, what makes you tick, how they operate, what makes them tick, and hopefully are able to joke affably about it, you'll form a stronger connection with that person. Take a legitimate interest in other people, they usually love talking about themselves. But you need to give them a reason to appreciate the things about you as well.

 

As I said, I've witnessed first hand girls add my friends on social media etc without having even spoken to them. In contrast, I once spent a good ten minutes talking to one girl (and my friend who was nearby even left to give us the opportunity), I already had her on social media somehow but when I tried striking up a conversation again she didn't want to know.

 

If you didn't say anything that was exciting, interesting, engaging, funny, mysterious, or anything else that produced an emotion or interest in her, it was 10 minutes wasted. Anyone can exchange basic information for 10 minutes. You'd be wise to start asking people why they do or care about certain things or how it makes them feel -- not necessarily those exact phrases, but things of that nature. Deeper, exploratory questions.

 

Without going into detail, again for privacy, because of my lack of friendships in real life I ended up making a lot of friendships online. Still have many of them to this day, have known them for years and have even met a few of them. When my ex came into my life, those that were female I ended up drifting apart from subconsciously (and benefit of hindsight allows me to see this now) because my ex was terribly insecure of my relationships with them. I still had many of my male friends, but a lot was going on for a good numbers of years so I had other things to worry about.

 

I don't know much about online friendships, but I do know it's best not to date insecure people, especially someone who'd be insecure over a pen pal. Keep that in mind for the future, I guess.

[LightWave93]

However if you start talking to someone about how you operate, what makes you tick, how they operate, what makes them tick, and hopefully are able to joke affably about it, you'll form a stronger connection with that person. Take a legitimate interest in other people, they usually love talking about themselves. But you need to give them a reason to appreciate the things about you as well.

 

Give me an example of such a conversation and I will let you know if this is the sort of thing I would do. Essentially, please show me what YOU would do.

 

If you didn't say anything that was exciting, interesting, engaging, funny, mysterious, or anything else that produced an emotion or interest in her, it was 10 minutes wasted. Anyone can exchange basic information for 10 minutes. You'd be wise to start asking people why they do or care about certain things or how it makes them feel -- not necessarily those exact phrases, but things of that nature. Deeper, exploratory questions.

 

I do though, that's the thing. I don't talk about myself exclusively, only when they ask.

[bummer]

Is it really necessary to say that? I've come here looking for help. I didn't ask for this to happen to me.

 

Working on the muscle, mind you.

 

Make sure it doesn't happen then.