I'm starting to believe I'll never find anyone.

[normal person]

Could you give me examples of how I should be approaching women and talking to them? Intros, comments to make etc.

 

Don't "approach" any women. That's a practice basically reserved for socially inept men who have no other options, who women don't actively want, it reeks of desperation and calculation, and women know it.

 

Either have a lot of fun with your friends and make them come to you or absorb an adjacent group of women, or if that's not happening, talk about something circumstantial. I've been sitting at a bar and asked a girl if her extravagant looking drink was any good, got her number after we got talking. Last night I had friends texting me asking what bar I was at and where it was, so I asked the cute girl next to me what the cross street was and we got talking, etc. Later a girl bumped into me and knocked my bottle into my mouth and I had her check to see if I chipped any teeth, we got talking, etc. Keep it circumstantial and then ease into more personal, open ended stuff. Add some jokes, a low key compliment, etc. Then you're good.

 

Best of luck.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Been upset and angry lately because that girl who I matched with on Tinder and let me have her number, I set up a date with her and she flaked, cancelled on me

[LightWave93]

Either have a lot of fun with your friends and make them come to you or absorb an adjacent group of women.

 

Well then I'm stumped then, because through my entire life I have *never* had a girl approach me. EVER.

 

Out of all my friends, I'm the one guy a girl has never approached. Not in a club, not at a party...nothing.

[Inflikted]

While people may brush off what I say due to its perceived "negativity", the truth is, yes, it's possible that you'll never find anyone. Contrary to what some believe there is not, in fact, "someone for everyone". Even if you're doing the best you can and being the best you can be, you may still simply not be good enough for anyone.

 

At the very least, you seem much better off than i am. I'm 27, nearing 28. I can't connect with another human, period. I've gone through the gamut of thoughts and emotions. I've been sad, I've been angry, I've reflected on myself over and over, I've driven myself crazy trying to figure things out for myself. But I've come to realize that there's nothing to figure out. I am who I am, and I'm simply "not good enough" for this world.

 

That's life. I wouldn't advocate "giving up", per se, but again, not everyone gets a "happy ending" in life, and it can save a lot of frustration to come to that realization early on.

[ZA Dater]

While people may brush off what I say due to its perceived "negativity", the truth is, yes, it's possible that you'll never find anyone. Contrary to what some believe there is not, in fact, "someone for everyone". Even if you're doing the best you can and being the best you can be, you may still simply not be good enough for anyone.

 

At the very least, you seem much better off than i am. I'm 27, nearing 28. I can't connect with another human, period. I've gone through the gamut of thoughts and emotions. I've been sad, I've been angry, I've reflected on myself over and over, I've driven myself crazy trying to figure things out for myself. But I've come to realize that there's nothing to figure out. I am who I am, and I'm simply "not good enough" for this world.

 

That's life. I wouldn't advocate "giving up", per se, but again, not everyone gets a "happy ending" in life, and it can save a lot of frustration to come to that realization early on.

 

I am inclined to agree with a lot you say here. Where I differ is "not being good enough for anyone", each of us has wants and desires and ultimately I think we could find someone if you simply discounted standards and likes and simply settled for anyone who gave us the time of day. Unfortunately I don't think the human mind works like that, we want what we want in terms of what we like.

 

 

Agreed you go through a raft of emotions, I feel lonely almost every single day, unless I make sure my day is so jam packed with things I don't have time to feel lonely, unfortunately you cant really live like that.

 

 

I am firmly starting to think the solution for people like us is to find one person we can connect with me and who has most of the attributes we desire and try get into a normal friendship with them, yes, you aren't going to get the physical side but for me at least, knowing that person is there, knowing they have some interest in me, knowing we have certain things in common, just feels better than being alone and wondering around scratching around for someone who likes me in the way I would want.

[elaine567]

I am firmly starting to think the solution for people like us is to find one person we can connect with me and who has most of the attributes we desire and try get into a normal friendship with them, yes, you aren't going to get the physical side but for me at least, knowing that person is there, knowing they have some interest in me, knowing we have certain things in common, just feels better than being alone and wondering around scratching around for someone who likes me in the way I would want.

 

The problem I see here is that you are using K to fill the void and that is maybe OK just now, but K may find a bf in the future, who is not keen on K being around you.

As after all you are not just a friend, you are besotted with her and if she gave you the least indication she was interested, you would date her in a second.

You are exactly the type of guy friend that most on here want to banish from their gf's/wife's life. Given the stark choice the bf or the friend, then most women tend to chose the bf.

You need to consider that.

[ZA Dater]

The problem I see here is that you are using K to fill the void and that is maybe OK just now, but K may find a bf in the future, who is not keen on K being around you.

As after all you are not just a friend, you are besotted with her and if she gave you the least indication she was interested, you would date her in a second.

You are exactly the type of guy friend that most on here want to banish from their gf's/wife's life. Given the stark choice the bf or the friend, then most women tend to chose the bf.

You need to consider that.

 

 

Noted. She has a bf and she seems to have no issue hanging around me in a professional environment. Doesn't to have much of a problem taking any kindness and opportunities I offer. At the end of the day I just deluding myself but let me tell you its a heck of a lot better than feeling lonely and sad ALL the time, at least there are a few days a month where I feel normal, when it is nice to have a lady friend, when it is nice to get some female attention. Its one big sham but its a lot better than sitting on dating sites, looking at people which tick none of my boxes, sitting on tinder and getting awful matches, sitting on Dating Buzz and getting contacted by people I have no interest in. The same applies to OkCupid and Match.

 

 

My point really is the OP might just be able to find some of what he seeks with a good plutonic friend(or a sham) as opposed trying to jump over the Grand Canyon hoping he can find a girlfriend. Its quite clear that some of us have "issues" in whatever we do which makes us perpetually undesirable to those we like so instead of getting rejected over and over perhaps it makes more sense to try something else. Feeling worthless is never nice and that exactly what trying to find a girlfriend did, at least now I am free form 50% of that.

 

 

When I read " I'm starting to believe I'll never find anyone", I can actually relate to that, ultimately the OP needs to build himself up from within, feel good about himself in some way, look at what he is good at because all rejection after rejection does is destroy any sense of self worth, you can say "oh there are others", the reality for some of us opportunities are few and far between.

 

 

If you feel good about yourself, it hardly matters what anyone else thinks, sure you are alone but at least you can look within for comfort. Would I love to take someone to dinner, sure, I am sure the OP would too but I cant so its pointless moping about it, sure I can look back and regret almost everything I have done trying to charm those few people I liked but what does that get me? Nothing at all.

 

 

I can have K help me with articles, with pictures and that interaction is more than any other female has ever given me, she thinks I am a "nice guy and a gentleman" so again I can find some comfort that I am not such a horrid guy.

 

 

OP, don't give up, just feel better about being you the decide if you want to get back into the game, look at your life, look at things you do well, look where you can learn, I don't think its truly hopeless for anyone, we create some of our own problems in this game, some will compromise and some wont.

 

 

Keep going!

[LightWave93]

Is there any way for me to private message people on here? I'd like to show them my profiles and see what they think.

 

I get plenty of views but no messages ever get sent to me. I genuinely feel like I'm not wanted.

[normal person]

Is there any way for me to private message people on here? I'd like to show them my profiles and see what they think.

 

I get plenty of views but no messages ever get sent to me. I genuinely feel like I'm not wanted.

 

I think profiles can help a bit, but what happens when you use an ap like Bumble or Tinder that primarily just use your pictures without having to write anything about yourself? You said everyone says you're very attractive physically, that'd be the real litmus test, right?

[LightWave93]

I think profiles can help a bit, but what happens when you use an ap like Bumble or Tinder that primarily just use your pictures without having to write anything about yourself? You said everyone says you're very attractive physically, that'd be the real litmus test, right?

 

I get a few matches on Tinder, but no one wants to talk.

[normal person]

I get a few matches on Tinder, but no one wants to talk.

 

To keep it brief, people have told me I am a respectable, mature, kind, intelligent, and all-round good man, also being described as very attractive physically.

 

So you're very physically attractive, yet you can't attract anyone and no one wants to talk to you. I don't really know what to tell you. What're your friends doing that you're not? What haven't you tried? Is there something that you think might help that you're incapable of doing? As I said, everything that people suggest in this thread, you say you're already doing. All I could do at this point is give some examples of what I do, if you want them.

[thguy]

While people may brush off what I say due to its perceived "negativity", the truth is, yes, it's possible that you'll never find anyone. Contrary to what some believe there is not, in fact, "someone for everyone". Even if you're doing the best you can and being the best you can be, you may still simply not be good enough for anyone.

 

At the very least, you seem much better off than i am. I'm 27, nearing 28. I can't connect with another human, period. I've gone through the gamut of thoughts and emotions. I've been sad, I've been angry, I've reflected on myself over and over, I've driven myself crazy trying to figure things out for myself. But I've come to realize that there's nothing to figure out. I am who I am, and I'm simply "not good enough" for this world.

 

That's life. I wouldn't advocate "giving up", per se, but again, not everyone gets a "happy ending" in life, and it can save a lot of frustration to come to that realization early on.

But but but

 

Girl to guy -- There's someone for everyone

 

Guy asks girl out and asks if she knows anyone. Her true colors will show.

[HillValley]

My advice would be to detach your emotions from the end goal of getting a girl to simply running an experiment.

 

I remember at your age being baffled why some girls would make guys jump through so many proverbial hoops to get close to them while some guys just waltzed right through(and usually ended up hurting them emotionally).

 

Just give yourself a time set to see what reactions you get from trying different things instead of worrying about getting a certain reaction.

[Beach Guy]

Hang in there!

[ZA Dater]

I hate to state the other obvious fact here but if you believe you wont ever find anyone then yes the chances are you wont, you need to either accept the current status quo and live with it or you need to believe something is possible.

 

That's a choice only you can make.

[LightWave93]

So you're very physically attractive, yet you can't attract anyone and no one wants to talk to you. I don't really know what to tell you. What're your friends doing that you're not? What haven't you tried? Is there something that you think might help that you're incapable of doing? As I said, everything that people suggest in this thread, you say you're already doing. All I could do at this point is give some examples of what I do, if you want them.

 

On another forum it's being heavily suggested it's my attitude (which has become ever-increasingly negative as of late), and whilst I agree it's something I need to work on I just don't feel as if it's the solution to my problem. With that said, I am going to work on it.

 

I may have had two relationships, but attracting women (or people in general) has never been my strong suit. It's almost as if I have a wall around me. I don't wish to repeat myself, but again from what people tell me I'm this "awesome guy", but there must be something about me that steers people in the other direction. Too intense? Too boring? I don't know.

 

I'm going to try take a step back from this and relax, but it just sucks because I feel like I'll be missing out on the dating experiences of my younger years. Even if I can't get a date and form a relationship, I still can't even get so much as a kiss on a night out. It lives me feeling bitter because if by chance I do start finding success with women later on in life, they'll always be that idea in my head that previously I would have just been overlooked. If there's one thing positive I can say about myself, it's that I have my life on track, it's fulfilling and rewarding and I'm building up to better things; if I can only get a relationship by virtue of my accomplishments (and not my personality, drive etc), what's the point?

 

Just give yourself a time set to see what reactions you get from trying different things instead of worrying about getting a certain reaction.

 

Very hard to gauge reactions but 90% of the time they don't want to speak to me.

 

I hate to state the other obvious fact here but if you believe you wont ever find anyone then yes the chances are you wont, you need to either accept the current status quo and live with it or you need to believe something is possible.

 

That's a choice only you can make.

 

Do I really have a choice though? Over a year spent trying to find out why by talking to people, therapists, dating coaches, and sticking myself on dating sites. Is it *really* as simple as because I believe I won't find anyone?

Edited July 18, 2016 by LightWave93

[ZA Dater]

 

I'm going to try take a step back from this and relax, but it just sucks because I feel like I'll be missing out on the dating experiences of my younger years. Even if I can't get a date and form a relationship, I still can't even get so much as a kiss on a night out. It lives me feeling bitter because if by chance I do start finding success with women later on in life, they'll always be that idea in my head that previously I would have just been overlooked. If there's one thing positive I can say about myself, it's that I have my life on track, it's fulfilling and rewarding and I'm building up to better things; if I can only get a relationship by virtue of my accomplishments (and not my personality, drive etc), what's the point?

 

 

I can relate to all the bold parts. The mistake I made was getting stuck into a mire of negativity, one I am still stuck in to a degree, if people pick that up its a very bad sign in my experience but by the same token it tough to pretend all is hanky dory when it isn't.

 

 

Bitterness usually accompanies that feeling.

 

 

Use your accomplishments, I have never used mine, thinking like you I can draw someone in by being me, not true, when it comes down to it, the whole thing is a competition of sorts. Use every positive attribute you have.

[offwithhishead]

To the OP:

 

Have you ever considered dating Asian girls? I'm not sure on what ethnicities of girls you typically date but perhaps it's time for a change.

 

Consider moving to a city with a large Asian population. There are lots of Asian girls who grew up here and speak english like their native language.

 

And I'm an Asian guy myself by the way. It's just something I've observed. The kind of white guys that don't do well with white women typically do very well with Asian women.

 

It sounds like you've got the kind of polite, sensitive, humble attitude that is very compatible with Asian culture. Asian girls typically like their guys more reserved, polite and less boisterous than what white girls like. Also, you seem to be sensitive and intelligent. Add to that, you're white and you're taller than the average Asian guy.

 

I've seen white guys who couldn't even get a white girl who is a 5 but get an Asian girl who is an 8.

[LightWave93]

I can relate to all the bold parts. The mistake I made was getting stuck into a mire of negativity, one I am still stuck in to a degree, if people pick that up its a very bad sign in my experience but by the same token it tough to pretend all is hanky dory when it isn't.

 

 

Bitterness usually accompanies that feeling.

 

 

Use your accomplishments, I have never used mine, thinking like you I can draw someone in by being me, not true, when it comes down to it, the whole thing is a competition of sorts. Use every positive attribute you have.

 

I'd rather not feel that way, but the thoughts are there.

 

To the OP:

 

Have you ever considered dating Asian girls? I'm not sure on what ethnicities of girls you typically date but perhaps it's time for a change.

 

Consider moving to a city with a large Asian population. There are lots of Asian girls who grew up here and speak english like their native language.

 

And I'm an Asian guy myself by the way. It's just something I've observed. The kind of white guys that don't do well with white women typically do very well with Asian women.

 

It sounds like you've got the kind of polite, sensitive, humble attitude that is very compatible with Asian culture. Asian girls typically like their guys more reserved, polite and less boisterous than what white girls like. Also, you seem to be sensitive and intelligent. Add to that, you're white and you're taller than the average Asian guy.

 

I've seen white guys who couldn't even get a white girl who is a 5 but get an Asian girl who is an 8.

 

Not that I've never considered an Asian girl, so much that I have a preference AND I never meet Asian women.

[Bufo]

Here is a lesson I learned from hard experience. Many women are not attracted

to men who to them seem desperate or even too interested. Many like a challenge and you don't seem to be offering them any challenge.

 

I know I'll be branded a bad guy for saying this, but I learned that lesson after many strikeouts. (Baseball term for swinging a missing).

 

Try for the zen of dating: happy but not overly interested. It just might work for you, too

[LightWave93]

Here is a lesson I learned from hard experience. Many women are not attracted

to men who to them seem desperate or even too interested. Many like a challenge and you don't seem to be offering them any challenge.

 

I know I'll be branded a bad guy for saying this, but I learned that lesson after many strikeouts. (Baseball term for swinging a missing).

 

Try for the zen of dating: happy but not overly interested. It just might work for you, too

 

Can you elaborate? How do you conduct this behavior?

 

Thing is I'm just not meeting women in general, so I can't really be a certain way around them because they're not there.

[normal person]

Here is a lesson I learned from hard experience. Many women are not attracted

to men who to them seem desperate or even too interested. Many like a challenge and you don't seem to be offering them any challenge.

 

I know I'll be branded a bad guy for saying this, but I learned that lesson after many strikeouts. (Baseball term for swinging a missing).

 

Try for the zen of dating: happy but not overly interested. It just might work for you, too

 

Branded a bad guy? Has this not been par for the course for quite some time now? Desperation has never been attractive. Your dating life doesn't even begin until you adopt confidence, control, esteem, and an attitude that counterbalances any feelings of superiority a woman might have over you.

 

OP, have you just been acting overly interested this entire time? That'd make this whole thread like you were asking us how to drive but we're just now realizing you haven't lifted the parking brake yet. This is how the initial mating dance is generally done these days:

 

First, display the least possible amount of interest you can possibly display that could still be considered "interest." That usually just means talking to someone. Whoever acts more interested has less leverage, and is, in the subconscious mind, less attractive. Then, establish dominance. You've got to make her feel like she is the one who needs to impress you. Kind of like a sexy mental boxing match. Oftentimes this requires you to actually be the impressive one (which is a lifetime of work), but if you aren't actually impressive or talented, you'll need to fake it, or at least not be too impressed with her. That will subconsciously get her to try and impress you, and at that moment, you've pretty much done the job. Then you can get more personal and act like she's winning you over bit by bit, but that it's by concession, not by conscious desire on your part to be with her. Then you can just keep escalating until, well... whatever.

 

So if you're actually an impressive, charismatic person that people enjoy talking to you (like you said you are), this will be like shooting fish in a barrel. If you're an average guy with nothing particularly special going on, I guess you might have to put on more of an act or something, or suppress your normal tendencies to dive right in with the typical "average and/or nice guy" schtick, whatever that is these days. It's not deceptive, it's just playing the game. You can't win if you don't know how to play. Plenty of women use a little mind trickery like this. It's what makes meeting people and dating a fun challenge. A "thrill of the hunt" situation. For me, at least.

[ZA Dater]

Branded a bad guy? Has this not been par for the course for quite some time now? Desperation has never been attractive. Your dating life doesn't even begin until you adopt confidence, control, esteem, and an attitude that counterbalances any feelings of superiority a woman might have over you.

 

OP, have you just been acting overly interested this entire time? That'd make this whole thread like you were asking us how to drive but we're just now realizing you haven't lifted the parking brake yet. This is how the initial mating dance is generally done these days:

 

First, display the least possible amount of interest you can possibly display that could still be considered "interest." That usually just means talking to someone. Whoever acts more interested has less leverage, and is, in the subconscious mind, less attractive. Then, establish dominance. You've got to make her feel like she is the one who needs to impress you. Kind of like a sexy mental boxing match. Oftentimes this requires you to actually be the impressive one (which is a lifetime of work), but if you aren't actually impressive or talented, you'll need to fake it, or at least not be too impressed with her. That will subconsciously get her to try and impress you, and at that moment, you've pretty much done the job. Then you can get more personal and act like she's winning you over bit by bit, but that it's by concession, not by conscious desire on your part to be with her. Then you can just keep escalating until, well... whatever.

 

So if you're actually an impressive, charismatic person that people enjoy talking to you (like you said you are), this will be like shooting fish in a barrel. If you're an average guy with nothing particularly special going on, I guess you might have to put on more of an act or something, or suppress your normal tendencies to dive right in with the typical "average and/or nice guy" schtick, whatever that is these days. It's not deceptive, it's just playing the game. You can't win if you don't know how to play. Plenty of women use a little mind trickery like this. It's what makes meeting people and dating a fun challenge. A "thrill of the hunt" situation. For me, at least.

 

Very good post and well worth reading for anyone I think.

 

I have to hand it to you in terms of the bold I think you are 100% correct, I started to do exactly this over the past weeks and what is especially true is things work better when you make her feel the need to impress you. You can act impressed just not overtly so.

[LightWave93]

OP, have you just been acting overly interested this entire time? That'd make this whole thread like you were asking us how to drive but we're just now realizing you haven't lifted the parking brake yet. This is how the initial mating dance is generally done these days:

 

Not really. Like I've said, I don't meet many girls to begin with and things never escalate past a few minutes of conversation (and even then, you can just tell they're not bothered). Online I try to escalate things quicker to get numbers, dates set etc.

 

Maybe I'm coming across overly interested, I don't know, I just feel like I'm not even getting my foot out the door.

 

So if you're actually an impressive, charismatic person that people enjoy talking to you (like you said you are), this will be like shooting fish in a barrel. If you're an average guy with nothing particularly special going on...

 

See, people say I'm the former, but I feel like the latter. I work, volunteer, pursue hobbies...what makes me special? Not a lot really. Yet people say I'm the most down-to-earth and kind-hearted guy they know, that I work hard at what I do and have a lot of passions.

 

 

I don't know. I'm off out tonight with friends and not really in the mood to care about this anymore. I'll see all these girls around me, most out of my league, and that's all it seems it'll ever be; just something for me to see at a distance, out of my grasp.

[SwordofFlame]

Not really. Like I've said, I don't meet many girls to begin with and things never escalate past a few minutes of conversation (and even then, you can just tell they're not bothered). Online I try to escalate things quicker to get numbers, dates set etc.

 

Maybe I'm coming across overly interested, I don't know, I just feel like I'm not even getting my foot out the door.

 

The only thing I can think of is maybe you're misreading these girls thinking they're not interested. Or maybe they're neutral initially, and you have to create interest. I'm not good at that either so I'll let other posters help you with that.