What would you do if you saw OW?

[Tread Carefully]

Hi all,

I came across a very interesting older thread today and I was wondering how all of you would respond now.

 

Basically, what would you do if you saw the OW randomly somewhere? Whether it's at a distance or bumping into each other. How would you want her to react to you? And if your H left you for the OW, how would you react seeing them together? How do you want her to react to you as well, in that situation?

 

In my case, I knew who the OW was and sought her out. She was afraid at first but eventually we were able to talk. I saw her out and about after my divorce and she smiled and waved, as did I. Neither one of us ended up with my exH which is probably a good thing.

 

Edit: these questions also apply to the men if they saw the OM.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Tread Carefully
Forgot to include the men.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would not know her if I saw her...nor do I give shyt.

 

So if i saw her...my husband would have to tell me it was her....and that ain't happening

[Lobe]

I might tip my hat. Once the second fiddle, always the second fiddle...

[MJJean]

There was no technical OW. She was very adept at manipulating him and he just didn't see it. She was part of his social circle and they'd been friends off and on since high school. He was so pathetically socially clueless back then. He really believed that a friendship between them was totally innocent and ok. Idiot.

 

They'd dated and broken up months before we met and were back to friends. However, I did NOT approve. DH and I went rounds about it. Him saying I have no right to choose his friends. I later found out that she was more or less whispering that tidbit into his ear and was undermining our relationship subtly in other ways when they spoke.

 

Then I had my epiphany and told him he was right, I have no right to pick his friends. However, I do have the right to decide whether or not I will be with him based on decisions he makes.

 

He told her he couldn't speak to her anymore. She kept calling.

 

I answered the phone the last time and said "Please refrain from calling my husband so that I can refrain from driving up to XXX and kicking your azz."

 

Lord and the local police department help that woman I ever cross her path. It'd be worth the assault charge.

Edited July 3, 2016 by MJJean

[katielee]

I'd really have to try hard not to shout out "whore alert." I mean really have to try. They are lucky they've had kids with them the times ive seen them.

[merrmeade]

I'll never be over the mindf-k she did. This is my sister-in-law we're talking about—my dead brother's wife who, I believe, never stopped believing that she and her brother-in-law, my husband, were first and foremost the purest and truest of best friends. That they slipped a few times was "stupid," yes, but it was not going to happen again until - oops, it did. This was - and continues to be - denial on a pathological scale.

 

The problem is her...

- perpetuation of the friendship fantasy;

- orchestration of events and perceptions to portray herself the tragic widow and gracious sister-in-law;

- public display of graciousness while failing to acknowledge her injury to me;

- ability to capitalize on everyone's need to rug-sweep.

 

Not to mention the fragrance from my husband that she wore at all of my brother's memorial services.

 

Seared in my brain are what I saw before Dday: confusing interactions that excluded and confused me—and what I read after: inquisitive, revealing emails that became progressively more tender and familiar and eventually revealed more to me about them than they know about themselves.

 

No, my trauma was too great. I could never be outside it in her presence. If an "OW sighting" happened, I would move on and then try to get over it - again.

Edited July 3, 2016 by merrmeade

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'll never be over the mindf-k she did. This is my sister-in-law we're talking about—my dead brother's wife who, I believe, never stopped believing that she and her brother-in-law, my husband, were first and foremost the purest and truest of best friends. That they slipped a few times was "stupid," yes, but it was not going to happen again until - oops, it did. This was - and continues to be - denial on a pathological scale.

 

The problem is her...

- perpetuation of the friendship fantasy;

- orchestration of events and perceptions to portray herself the tragic widow and gracious sister-in-law;

- public display of graciousness while failing to acknowledge her injury to me;

- ability to capitalize on everyone's need to rug-sweep.

 

Not to mention the fragrance from my husband that she wore at all of my brother's memorial services.

 

Seared in my brain are what I saw before Dday: confusing interactions that excluded and confused me—and what I read after: inquisitive, revealing emails that became progressively more tender and familiar and eventually revealed more to me about them than they know about themselves.

 

No, my trauma was too great. I could never be outside it in her presence. If an "OW sighting" happened, I would move on and then try to get over it - again.

 

You my dear friend have the situation from hell.....I am always left in such a state of bewilderment when you remind me of your story. In your case....we can only wonder why it was your beloved brother who passed away and not his BRIDE.......

[ChickiePops]

I would call the police. The restraining order has expired but if she did ever show up back in my life again there's plenty on record that would bring the cops over to me fairly quickly.

 

I doubt she will though. I kicked that loser to the curb years ago and I'm in a different, much happier relationship. Plus, not only do I live in a big city, but they both live pretty far away from me (and each other) now.

[Tread Carefully]

Interesting replies everyone. Thank you. Much less brutal than I thought they'd be.

[Lobe]

Interesting replies everyone. Thank you. Much less brutal than I thought they'd be.

 

Out of curiosity, what were you expecting?

[Tread Carefully]

I don't know how to put links to other threads on here but the older thread that I was talking about was started by DrIndigo called Question from the OW.

 

I thought it was also an interesting read and I just wondered what today's posters would have to say.

[Red123]

That's a good question. I think I would probably ignore her or maybe smile(smirk). It's so hard to say because it hasn't happened yet, over 2 years later. I would like to believe that I would conduct myself with class, but you never know. She was not known to me before so although I do have feelings about her I don't have the same feelings of betrayal that I did for my H.

[Lobe]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/147601-question-ow#

 

This thread.

 

Her question is very different though - she's asking specifically about seeing the AP with the WS during separation. If my WH had left me for the xOW my reply would be very different.

 

Mostly I would have killed her with kindness. She would have no choice but to be civil and friendly because my kids would not be victimized by circumstance. I sometimes wonder if my commitment to civility towards the OW wasn't half of what deterred WH from leaving lol. I'm pretty sure her and I being "friends" would have made my WH super uncomfy, because even with him and her being publicly together, she would ALWAYS be second fiddle to our kids and family.

[Lobe]

I guess to answer the question posed by DrIndigo, what would I WANT the AP to say, I suspect not so much what she should say as paying respect, offering deference to the dignity and needs of our children. There's a book called "no one's the b*tch" that I really enjoyed. If an affair is an exit affair and not a symptom of the marriage needing healing, I see no reason to hold a grudge.

[Tread Carefully]

Thank you, Lobe, for putting the link there for me.

 

My question was somewhat different, yes. I was still asking how you would want the OW to react to you as well as how you would react to her. Especially in completely random situations. That is when people are least prepared and a lot of their truth can be seen in reaction scenarios such as that. I believe it would be a much different reaction than if the BS knows ahead of time that OW will be there.

 

The first time I saw the OW I went searching for her. I thought I was prepared to see her but I wasn't. I was super p*ssed and full of pain. I yelled. She was scared. Seeing her scared made me feel like crap. I cried. She cried. All the air in my balloon vanished. I knew I wasn't getting the whole story from WH so I asked her for her side of it.

 

There's more to my story but this isn't the place or time for it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my real reaction to her wasn't what I thought it would be. Dignity and class evaporated with the first word out of my mouth. I'm not proud of that.

 

Her reaction to me caught me by surprise too. She didn't yell or scream back which is what I expected and probably wanted. Her fear and her tears made me realize she was just a woman, like me, and not this big evil demon that I imagined her to be.

[Lobe]

she was just a woman, like me, and not this big evil demon that I imagined her to be.

 

When I first stumbled across LS it was from a Google search for something like "wtf is going through a woman's head when she f*cks another woman's husband?" I came here from a place of anger and confusion, looking for validation and justification to hate her. What I found was some equally confused OW looking for validation and justification to hate the BW.

 

Bottom line for me was (and still is) if my WH wants to be with me or with someone else, I can handle all of it if it is done openly and honestly. Lies, secrecy, deception... Not so much.

[Tread Carefully]

That's what I found with the OW on here too. I'm thankful that I found this forum. In the beginning, I thought maybe our OW was just unique since she wasn't like the horror stories you hear.

 

I feel for all of us that find ourselves here. I think we are all bound by pain, fear, grief etc. Except for the serial cheaters that show no remorse.

 

My bottom line for my H was the same as yours. He loved her so I set him free. There was no fairytale ending for any of us though. I did my part in my marriage that left it open and vulnerable to what happened. So, in the years since then, I've worked on fixing myself. The affair and the divorce devastated me at first. But now, years later, I am stronger in most areas.

 

Being able to trust again, however...oh that is a mighty uphill battle.

[Lobe]

My bottom line for my H was the same as yours. He loved her so I set him free. There was no fairytale ending for any of us though. I did my part in my marriage that left it open and vulnerable to what happened. So, in the years since then, I've worked on fixing myself. The affair and the divorce devastated me at first. But now, years later, I am stronger in most areas.

 

We are in R but it's not a fairytale lol. Trust isn't really about whether he cheats again but whether he talks to me when/if he becomes unhappy or hears my concerns when I say I'm struggling with XYZ. (Our marital problem was not talking...) I have done (and continue to do) a lot of work on myself and in our marriage. I don't hate the xOW, I know she was really hurt - but my sympathy runs pretty shallow when the AP refuses to be accountable and plays the victim card.

 

I've never had the misfortune/opportunity to meet the xOW but I know she is still deluded. Reading the stories of APs here is wicked frustrating because the lies are all the same.

[Tread Carefully]

Yeah, your AP still wants to stay in the game so I can understand where your coming from. It must be really hard and I'm very sorry that you've been put in this position. I've read your posts and felt your pain. I would say welcome to the club but no one truly wishes to be a part of this particular club. Haha.

[Cloudcuckoo]

That is an interesting question, and quite the dilemma for many I would think.

 

Had I come face to face with her immediately after dday I FEEL I would probably have knocked her lights out, I was so furious with her insistent and unrelenting determination to have my life as his wife at any cost.

 

I should have handed him to her on a silver platter! Hahaha! He was such an a*****e back then..now I hardly recognise 'that' man as my husband.

 

She turned out to be dangerously obsessed with 'getting' my husband (like it was a kind of battle I didn't even know I was involved in), and because of her surreptitious, clandestine stalking, knew far, far too much about me and our children.

 

She went to some disturbing extremes, and even though she lived over 350 miles away, still travelled that distance to kill our beloved retriever. Maybe our children (all adults now) should answer this one too?

 

Now? She's a woman with a nasty undercurrent who is insecure and riddled with envy, who I would hesitate to say probably can't maintain a healthy relationship with a man (she was apparently divorced after a few years of marriage and remained childless. I never cared to ask why and I don't know if my husband knew those reasons), and surrounds herself with women 'friends' who make her feel superior to them. There's an issue in that alone.

 

While I like to think I feel sorry for her, actually I probably don't, but I do feel sad that she doesn't much like women, and that she's likely to end up a sad and lonely old woman.

 

If I saw her now, I know I would recognise her, even though we've never physically crossed paths, and I know she would recognise me too. Four years of fighting for a man who was never yours has to do something to a woman doesn't it?

 

My stomach would probably somersault and then I'd just walk right on by her.....

 

Cuckoo

[EverySunset]

My XWH left such a trail of destruction in his path, I wouldn't recognize most of them. I did run into the mother of one of the ones I did know on the street. I had been to a few events with her as a family and I stopped her and filled her in a little. Let her know I was quite ok but our marriage had crumbled due to a few "unscrupulous women with no regard for my family or small child".

 

She squirmed the whole time, so clearly she knew what her daughter had been up to… Then I hugged her, and walked on. It was the high road. And I liked being on it, even if she didn't.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Edit: these questions also apply to the men if they saw the OM.

 

I've played this out in my head 100 times. If it ever becomes reality I have no idea how I would react. I'd like to think I would give him the drop-dead stare and he would leave the area immediately.

 

If it were in a space where I could ask him some point-blank questions about the affair, then I might go that route.

[Lobe]

If it were in a space where I could ask him some point-blank questions about the affair, then I might go that route.

 

What would you ask?

[Tread Carefully]

That is an interesting question, and quite the dilemma for many I would think.

 

Had I come face to face with her immediately after dday I FEEL I would probably have knocked her lights out, I was so furious with her insistent and unrelenting determination to have my life as his wife at any cost.

 

I should have handed him to her on a silver platter! Hahaha! He was such an a*****e back then..now I hardly recognise 'that' man as my husband.

 

She turned out to be dangerously obsessed with 'getting' my husband (like it was a kind of battle I didn't even know I was involved in), and because of her surreptitious, clandestine stalking, knew far, far too much about me and our children.

 

She went to some disturbing extremes, and even though she lived over 350 miles away, still travelled that distance to kill our beloved retriever. Maybe our children (all adults now) should answer this one too?

 

Now? She's a woman with a nasty undercurrent who is insecure and riddled with envy, who I would hesitate to say probably can't maintain a healthy relationship with a man (she was apparently divorced after a few years of marriage and remained childless. I never cared to ask why and I don't know if my husband knew those reasons), and surrounds herself with women 'friends' who make her feel superior to them. There's an issue in that alone.

 

While I like to think I feel sorry for her, actually I probably don't, but I do feel sad that she doesn't much like women, and that she's likely to end up a sad and lonely old woman.

 

If I saw her now, I know I would recognise her, even though we've never physically crossed paths, and I know she would recognise me too. Four years of fighting for a man who was never yours has to do something to a woman doesn't it?

 

My stomach would probably somersault and then I'd just walk right on by her.....

 

Cuckoo

 

Dang Cukoo, so very sorry that you've been and are going through all that! I'm glad things between you hubby are getting better. Your exOW sounds a lot like the horror stories I heard before coming to LS.

 

I would not have had your self control had she killed my dog. Guaranteed I'd be doing jail time for assault at the very least!

[Tread Carefully]

My XWH left such a trail of destruction in his path, I wouldn't recognize most of them. I did run into the mother of one of the ones I did know on the street. I had been to a few events with her as a family and I stopped her and filled her in a little. Let her know I was quite ok but our marriage had crumbled due to a few "unscrupulous women with no regard for my family or small child".

 

She squirmed the whole time, so clearly she knew what her daughter had been up to… Then I hugged her, and walked on. It was the high road. And I liked being on it, even if she didn't.

 

Good job taking the high road! I'm sure that felt really good. If she was a good Mom, I imagine her daughter got an earful the next time she saw her!