Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 What would you ask? I only know one version of the affair 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 Edit: these questions also apply to the men if they saw the OM. I'd say "thanks for giving me the motivation to get out of a lousy marriage"... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 I only know one version of the affair I don't know why I read "why" in the original question. What would I ask? I would ask him for his version and let him talk. I have a few specific questions about timeline and who ended the affair and how it ended. Since he got to ride off into the sunset scot-free I can see how a sit-down could potentially give me some closure. A part of me is just interested in what he would have to say about the affair. The idea of finally confronting him face-to-face is appealing. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 Absolutely nothing, I have met her, have helped her to get refuge from her abusive husband after he was told about the A by his friend. I didn't tell him as I knew he was abusive. I was surprised as she was nothing like I imagined, very ordinary and very different to me. I never felt threatened by her, but she did stalk me, not H, for 6 long years. Tracked us down when we moved and did the silent calls and once told me she was from the military and that he had died in Iraq - if I had seen her then I would have ripped her head off. But, I saw that she was broken, hurt, very jealous of me and my husband. I just felt sorry for her. If I met her now, I would feel indifferent, that was then, this is now. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 I have never seen the om in person. I have seen plenty of pictures of him and saw him on tv, all you have to do is google his name and numerous google images pop up. One of my favorite fantasies was always doing great bodily harm to him. In reality, I would probably not do anything unless I was in a situation where I was forced to speak to him. One of the many unfair things about the situation is he got by with it scott free. He was able to add another notch to his bedpost and move on while we live with the consequences the rest of our lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 I have never seen the om in person. I have seen plenty of pictures of him and saw him on tv, all you have to do is google his name and numerous google images pop up. One of my favorite fantasies was always doing great bodily harm to him. In reality, I would probably not do anything unless I was in a situation where I was forced to speak to him. One of the many unfair things about the situation is he got by with it scott free. He was able to add another notch to his bedpost and move on while we live with the consequences the rest of our lives. You are right...one of the reasons my indifference has turned to hate as my understanding of remorse has become reality. It isn't fair...but it is what it is. I have never looked him up...I don't care. I wish you could do the same. He is not worth one second of my time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 One of the many unfair things about the situation is he got by with it scott free. He was able to add another notch to his bedpost and move on while we live with the consequences the rest of our lives. Ditto. This is another hit to the male (BH) ego. This aspect of the affair has been difficult for me to accept over the years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 I don't know why I read "why" in the original question. What would I ask? I would ask him for his version and let him talk. I have a few specific questions about timeline and who ended the affair and how it ended. Since he got to ride off into the sunset scot-free I can see how a sit-down could potentially give me some closure. A part of me is just interested in what he would have to say about the affair. The idea of finally confronting him face-to-face is appealing. I would also like to get the OM version to see if my wife was really telling me the truth. As she was my G/F at the time, I do not think he was told that we were committed, but that we were breaking up, along with the whole situation of the room mates, betting her she could not bed him in the first place. In many ways he just took advanage of a "easy" lay at the time, and may have not known about her B/F - ME. I really do not think my wife felt we were going to get anywhere, and as she did tell me " I wrote you off, when I decide to have sex with him". In many ways, I can not "hate" the OM, as the whole situation was my wife being self centered and not really valuing me or our relationship. Afterwards, she felt horrible, for hurting me, and also realized what she was throwing away. I would want information. My Wife tends to not be totally truthful, when she must face consequences, and will work to put the best light on all things. Of course, a part of me would just like to "bust" him in the mouth, but I would put that feeling in a box, and work to see if my version of reality, as from my wife, is real. In any case, it would be a hard meeting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 I have never seen the om in person. I have seen plenty of pictures of him and saw him on tv, all you have to do is google his name and numerous google images pop up. One of my favorite fantasies was always doing great bodily harm to him. In reality, I would probably not do anything unless I was in a situation where I was forced to speak to him. One of the many unfair things about the situation is he got by with it scott free. He was able to add another notch to his bedpost and move on while we live with the consequences the rest of our lives. One of my great fears in life is doing something by my actions, that causes great harm or hurt to another, and be clueless about it. I do not mean by living day to day, but by a actions I know to be wrong, and self centered. I think the mark of a true man, is to try and work to avoid this is life when you can. From what you and Abigail have written about him, I would bet his life is not that great, and he does not have what you two have, and never will. I am sure he has faced consequences, and will face more, as his "life" style, is not one that is tolerated now in higher education. Also his reputation,must be garbage, as you have said he seems not to be able to stay at one place too long. No tenyear, no real life, in higher education. The life of a adjunct professor is hard, and unless you tell me he got on somewhere, that in of it self, is a big consequence. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 One of my great fears in life is doing something by my actions, that causes great harm or hurt to another, and be clueless about it. I do not mean by living day to day, but by a actions I know to be wrong, and self centered. I think the mark of a true man, is to try and work to avoid this is life when you can. From what you and Abigail have written about him, I would bet his life is not that great, and he does not have what you two have, and never will. I am sure he has faced consequences, and will face more, as his "life" style, is not one that is tolerated now in higher education. Also his reputation,must be garbage, as you have said he seems not to be able to stay at one place too long. No tenyear, no real life, in higher education. The life of a adjunct professor is hard, and unless you tell me he got on somewhere, that in of it self, is a big consequence. But you see...the point is...when you spend time wondering about him...or looking him up ...or harboring feelings of hatred toward him....he continues to occupy "space". I may be wrong...as I often am....but i don't give him a passing thought..unless John triggers or tells me something about him. To allow him to occupy space in my life...takes away space from something else that is important. He took from me something i can never get back....he won't be allowed to take away anything else from me ever again...including my thoughts. I don't know if my way of thinking is healthy....maybe it is compartmentalizing....but I remove him...as I have removed others who have hurt me. I cannot change what has happened...I can change how I allow it to affect me. But I do know...that hatred can be consuming....and it is a real emotion. Those who have hurt me...don't deserve any emotion from me....of any kind. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tread Carefully Posted July 5, 2016 Author Share Posted July 5, 2016 Great responses everyone. Thank you. So many similarities between all of us as BS's. It seems that many married AP's totally get away with everything and appear to have no consequences. It sure doesn't seem fair. We read in the OM/OW area how pained single AP's are but also that it seems like their AP's get off scot free too if they don't have a dday. I personally seesaw back and forth on the 'tell them'/'don't tell them' area. In my situation, everyone knew except me. They worked together and didn't hide it so everyone there knew. They also knew me, talked to me, spent time with me at special work family get togethers. No one said a word. In hindsight, the clues were there. The sad looks they gave me. The unfounded anger towards my husband. Good grief I was blind! But he was a gas lighting PRO. So of course I was the insane one. Even after all of this, I am still a very naive person. I don't know why but for some reason I always assume everyone I know is always telling the truth. I feel like, hey I don't lie to you so why on earth would you lie to me? I don't know how to fix that. Maybe that part of me is a good thing and not part of the affair collateral damage? I honestly don't know but I'm sure time will tell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 But you see...the point is...when you spend time wondering about him...or looking him up ...or harboring feelings of hatred toward him....he continues to occupy "space". I may be wrong...as I often am....but i don't give him a passing thought..unless John triggers or tells me something about him. To allow him to occupy space in my life...takes away space from something else that is important. He took from me something i can never get back....he won't be allowed to take away anything else from me ever again...including my thoughts. I don't know if my way of thinking is healthy....maybe it is compartmentalizing....but I remove him...as I have removed others who have hurt me. I cannot change what has happened...I can change how I allow it to affect me. But I do know...that hatred can be consuming....and it is a real emotion. Those who have hurt me...don't deserve any emotion from me....of any kind. I agree that your attitude is sound, and follow it myself. What I was pointing out is that most OM/OW do pay some type of price. May not be the whole amount we think they should , but they do pay something in life. The idea he got off "Scott Free" is not really sound, but in the end is not really worth trying to keep track to see just what happens. As always I wish you luck..... Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 It really depends on the context of which OM and where and how I saw them. For example if they are by themselves and: (a) I am driving and they are walking, I might not be cognizant of the break pedal. (b) Both of us are walking in a public area, I would probably grin and say 'I'll see you later, your debt isn't paid.' © edited If they are with adults AND kids: (a) ignore them If they are just with adults: (a) embarrass the crap out of them (i.e. 'Hey man! Good to see you! Oh, I heard my wife gave you herpes, did she tell ya?!) (b) edited © if embarrassing them would also embarrass me, just grin a evilly as I could. Maybe make an innuendo that we had a homo relationship if I could get away with it No, they won't get off scott-free. You can't sleep with another man's wife and expect there to be no justice served. Mine will just be long-time coming. Even if that means I gotta pee on their graves. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 I agree that your attitude is sound, and follow it myself. What I was pointing out is that most OM/OW do pay some type of price. May not be the whole amount we think they should , but they do pay something in life. The idea he got off "Scott Free" is not really sound, but in the end is not really worth trying to keep track to see just what happens. As always I wish you luck..... How the AP's life turned out....has got nothing to do with me or his affair with me. He may have made poor decisions throughout his life...he may have failed in his pursuit of dreams....but it isn't because of me. It had nothing to do with me. He got off scott free because he suffered no repercussions from our affair. He was not married...he did not have to pay the price that John and I have paid....especially John. He lost nothing because of me. The same can be said of the young lady John used. She was single....she went on to marry.....and we know nothing else about her. But her little fling with john....had nothing to do with the rest of her life. She lost nothing because of John. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 Hi all, I came across a very interesting older thread today and I was wondering how all of you would respond now. Basically, what would you do if you saw the OW randomly somewhere? Not a thing I would just keep walking. Whether it's at a distance or bumping into each other. How would you want her to react to you? I hope she would keep walking. And if your H left you for the OW, how would you react seeing them together? I wouldn't react. I would try to avoid as many places they were at together. How do you want her to react to you as well, in that situation? I don't know tbh I would hope she would just BE and keep her mouth shut. I wouldn't want to be friendly with either of them. Just tolerate. In my case, I knew who the OW was and sought her out. She was afraid at first but eventually we were able to talk. I saw her out and about after my divorce and she smiled and waved, as did I. Neither one of us ended up with my exH which is probably a good thing. Edit: these questions also apply to the men if they saw the OM. Answers in Bold. Right after Dday if I had seen MOW in person, it would have been really bad. At that time I had not worked on my coping skills and would have most likely ended up in jail for assault. Today I could give a rats ass about WH or MOW. Neither of them have the character or integrity of someone that I think highly of so it really doesn't matter. MOW could come up to me and shake my hand and it just really wouldn't matter. It has taken me A LONG time to get to this point, but happy I have arrived! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 AHH! Do they have a 6th sense or something??? I posted on this thread a few days ago. This morning OW pops up in my 'Who Viewed You' list on LinkedIn (the ONLY social media site I use). WHY?? I'm in a relationship with a different man now. My ex lives in a different state and we do not speak, and the OW and I live 8 hours away from each other. What is the point of stalking me now? Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 Well, the OW lives impossibly far away so it's quite unlikely I would run into her, but if I did? My style would be just to look her right in the eyes with disappointment written on my face. Perhaps I'd say a one liner . . . "Your actions were not OK, and that's all I need to know about you." Or maybe, "You have a lot of nerve, but not a lot of judgment." And then I'd stare into her soul one more time, then turn and leave. I'm not indifferent to her, yet. But I'm also not a spiteful or rude person. I wouldn't "kill her with kindness" because there's no reason to pretend my feelings are anything other than what they are. I would simply signal my disapproval and then cut our interview short. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted July 6, 2016 Share Posted July 6, 2016 I've been in that situation! Shortly after d-day number 1 my H fell asleep on the sofa & his telephone started ringing. I answered. She sounded momentarily shocked & then went into perky best friend mode asking me how I was doing. Every cell in my body wanted to scream at her. I wanted to tell her that I knew how fake she was. I threw her birthday party for her!! I'm a wimp. I just threw the phone at my H saying "it's your girlfriend" & ran away crying! We often imagine what we would say & do. Maybe you're all a lot stronger than me. In the moment I was lost for words. Pathetic. A sobbing wreck. Often I wonder if I'd acted differently would she of continued contacting him for 12 years....ill never know. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 6, 2016 Share Posted July 6, 2016 There are two OW from my marriage. I've never seen one of them since she became OW. WH broke up with her about eight months after he left me and got another OW, whom he married. After WH divorced second OW she contacted me and apologized. I forgave her. We see each other every few years as we don't live in the same town but attended the same small university. We hug, laugh, catch up on life but never really get together as we're pretty different types of people. OW from my engagement attends same church I do. She married my exfiance and they divorced after seven years. Her sister also attends my church. She (OW from my engagement) slept with her sister's WH and they divorced. This OW has become good friends with someone I'm good friends with, who doesn't know of the situation. No one at church but me knows this OW also slept with her brother-in-law. I and the sister to this OW are good friends. We are kind to OW and are loosely in a social circle with her but will never be close to her, though she tries to get close to both of us. I did calmly confront her with what she did but she lied about it, not surprisingly to me. Anyway, I treat her kindly but would never share a close friendship with her. Life is too short for bitterness. Besides, since my fiance cheated on me, in a way she did me a favor by being the one he used to show me his true colors. Link to post Share on other sites
Nobodyimportant Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 The ow in my case was suppose to be a friend a part of my social circle I've not seen her since the day I caught her in my house with my husband, which was well over a year ago It scares the crap out of me of what I might do if I ever see her again (probably nothing) .......... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 The one and only time I saw OM, it ended with me holding his head against the ground with my knee while I tried to rupture his kidneys with my fists. If I saw him again, it would probably be totally different. This time. I would just concentrate on breaking his nose. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 I'm not sure but wouldn't take her to dinner then F her brains out be a good answer? Link to post Share on other sites
holyrolypoly Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I think since she didn't get her closure and got the NC letter out of nowhere, she'd be the type to come up to us if she saw us together. If I were alone, I'd probably just ignore her and walk by, since she doesn't know what I look like. If she approached, I'd like to think I'd do something like what heartwhole said: My style would be just to look her right in the eyes with disappointment written on my face. Perhaps I'd say a one liner . . . "Your actions were not OK, and that's all I need to know about you." Or maybe, "You have a lot of nerve, but not a lot of judgment." And then I'd stare into her soul one more time, then turn and leave. I'm not indifferent to her yet, either, but part of the reason I dread seeing her is because I know she'd try to pull the "we were just friends" card and try to feign innocence. That's part of the crappiness that comes with an EA. A lot of it is ambiguous and deniable. With the type of person she is, I know I wouldn't be able to get her to admit anything, so I wouldn't even try. At least that part is kind of freeing. Though she knows very little about me, I've had access to my husband's facebook, emails, and text messages, so I know a fair bit about what she's like. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts