Ex reached out then said I should visit her? Thoughts?

[AmorFou]

My ex came back after 2.5 months of radio silence from me. She broke up with me in late January and I had last spoken to her in April.

 

Texted me on my birthday and asked how I was, then mentioned how she was making it but having a hard time with her new job (she moved away) then she asked if I was still considering moving and if so I should come to where she is...

 

I wanted to find out her intentions so I told her I'd call to catch up... Waited almost a week before calling (I face timed because I wanted to be able to read her face for clues) she called me back on mobile and when I picked up she said she didn't want to Video chat because no makeup lol.

 

Anyways, we had a great talk for about 45 minutes, conversation was effortless, I had her laughing, and it was just like when things were good. The past wasn't discussed at all. It helped that I was in a great mood because the girl I'm casually seeing had just left my house after some fun so I know I sounded relaxed, confident, and happy. Without me bringing up the subject, she started talking about all the reasons why I'd love her city and then said "you should come visit!" I didn't commit to anything at that timebut at the end of the call when things were winding down I told her "If you are serious about me visiting, I will be back from vacation around July 4th. Talk to me then and we'll make definite plans." She says "ok I'll text you!" Then told her goodnight and hung up.

 

What do you guys think about this situation? Obviously I'm going to let her come to me as the ball is in her court. I chased last time after being dumped and it ended badly. She is my first love and I still have strong feelings for her despite dating lots of women since. I know I broke NC but to be honest I want a second chance with her or at least to see her one more time. She was my first real gf and I messed up badly with her. I thought after the last conversation I had with her I would never hear from her again.

 

We only dated for 4 months but I know she had strong feelings for me as well. She talked about a future with me and I believe she was falling for me but the timing was bad. I have no clue if she's dated since we broke up but I know she didn't break up with me for someone else. Any other details around the breakup that will help with advice please let me know and I'll be glad to share.

She hasn't reached out to me as of now but did like my new Facebook photo, not that that means anything.

[juniorrocha]

First thing, what were the reasons for the break up?

 

Second, if you're comfortable meeting her as she is wanting to see you again, then I don't think it's a bad idea, even though you still have feelings for her so take it easy. Don't go there with any expectations, just enjoy your time together, go slowly and see how things go then.

[AmorFou]

It was for a few reasons, timing being one of them. Like I said, it was my first real relationship so I made a lot of mistakes like being needy, arguing with her over petty things, etc.

 

In regards to the timing, I met her in October and things were fairly smooth and progressing well until January. Once the holidays ended she really had to focus on finding a new job and was flying out for interviews often. I knew she would be moving away and even though she had told me she wanted to try long distance I was still nervous about her leaving because I knew I was falling for her. Also, her having to focus on career above everything stressed her out and had a negative effect on our sex life which frustrated me and led to me starting fights which led to her resenting me.

 

After one bad fight in particular she wanted to spend a few days apart to "think about what we want" I should have ended it right there but agreed. A week later she broke up with me over the phone. I accepted it, wished her the best, and then ignored. Two weeks later on Valentine's Day she sends me a message saying she's been thinking about me and would love to get lunch.

 

Against my better judgment, I agree and we meet for dinner. She tells me how she got the job she wanted and things are ok at first but then quickly get emotional. Long story short she ends up crying, we are holding hands, then she tells me she wants to see me again.

 

Needless to say, this really messed me up emotionally and I couldn't wait to see her again. I chased instead of letting her pursue me at her own pace and of course this didn't work. She ended up blowing me off and trying to reschedule twice so I sent her a nasty message, then apologized the next day without actually saying sorry but wished her the best and telling her I didn't want to burn a bridge. I also suggested meeting up as friends (cringe) but she declined and said she's always a phone call away.

 

Fast forward a month I call her to check on her and we talk for about 15 minutes very casually but it was weird. She messages me the next day to thank me for checking in. The next week, I call her again wanting to talk about the past and to try and get a better understanding of why things didn't work out from her perspective so I don't make the same mistakes with my next relationship (super cringe)

 

Not surprisingly, she turns mean and long story short tells me I was selfish. I admit to her that I had no clue what I was doing and most of my actions were a result of me being afraid which she seemed to understand and appreciate. I text her the next day thanking her for talking with me and that should finally give me the closure to move on. She says "anytime, I'm glad we both got closure. You know I'm always here"

 

That was the start of 2.5 months of NC. I thought I would never hear from her again after making an idiot of myself and just as I was forgetting about her here we are with her reaching out...

 

Does that make things clearer? Thanks

[juniorrocha]

In all honesty? Sorry, but now it appears to me that it would be a bad idea to meet her. She sent you breadcrumbs a few times already and you picked them up. I wouldn't be surprised if she's doing the same thing now.

 

When you want to be with someone, you will be with that person, no matter what, just like you're trying. She asked you to visit her and you didn't refuse or anything; you said you would go. I can only see her doing the same thing again as soon as she realizes you're still into her, so she can boost her ego and then get distance again.

 

I think you should stay away a little longer. Let her keep coming after you, to see if her intentions are indeed real. When you do agree to see her, take things very slowly, like you're getting to know her all over again.

 

That or just remove her entirely from your life. I really don't think she's serious with you.

[ULoveGemini]

You're about to get valuable advice from a serial backtracker; don't do it. Leave the past behind you.

[AmorFou]

In all honesty? Sorry, but now it appears to me that it would be a bad idea to meet her. She sent you breadcrumbs a few times already and you picked them up. I wouldn't be surprised if she's doing the same thing now.

 

When you want to be with someone, you will be with that person, no matter what, just like you're trying. She asked you to visit her and you didn't refuse or anything; you said you would go. I can only see her doing the same thing again as soon as she realizes you're still into her, so she can boost her ego and then get distance again.

 

I think you should stay away a little longer. Let her keep coming after you, to see if her intentions are indeed real. When you do agree to see her, take things very slowly, like you're getting to know her all over again.

 

That or just remove her entirely from your life. I really don't think she's serious with you.

 

Thanks for the honestly, kind of sucks to hear. I know a lot of people would do this for the ego boost but I hoped she was different.

 

Of course, I'm refusing to chase after what happened before. We will see if she reaches out again. Do you think I handled it the right way when she asked me to visit? Should I have asked her why? Set a definite date right then?

 

I think I understand the idea of bread crumbs but isn't that a little excessive? Asking an ex to visit and talking about what we would do?

 

If she doesn't make good on word to let me know I will have no choice but to delete her from my life and will probably hate her anyway.

[smudge21]

Don't beat yourself up over the chasing thing and how you behaved around her - we all do that, no matter the age or sex. When we're in love, we're in love. Anyway, I don't pick up on any negative ways from her, more confusion and maybe the fact you did push her away a bit. Plus the whole new job and LDR will affect any relationship. That said, she hasn't really gone out of her way to rekindle things and with the way you still feel so strongly for her, you have to tread carefully otherwise you will end up getting hurt again. I've been there many times. As you say, you've left her an open door, now it's time to see if she'll make the effort to walk through it. If you hear nothing, then carry on with your life. Do not always be available when she decides to make contact. Make it clear you are moving on and if she wants to get back together, then she has to show it. I still think the LDR thing is a stumbling block there though. Some people just can't handle that - I know I couldn't.

[gaig]

After the end of your relationship, you have done a lot to show her you acknowledged your mistakes and you know what you want. You have also left a crack to let her in and you made her aware of it..

 

So, she is still out there, looking at it, because she hasn't found someone else yet. That simple. Is she gonna jump to a new relationship on first chance or decide to talk to you, this is a decision she has to make. If you try to manipulate it, you will eventually get much more hurt in the end. I guarantee you that..

[kidm]

I'm always skeptical about exes who "return" when they are going through some difficulty. So she broke up with you, moved for a job and now is having a hard time and reaches out after months of silence to pitch her city to you. If thinks at work were going smoothly and she was out dating again, would to hear from her? I doubt it but of course could be wrong. Tread cautiously. I don't see this ending well.

[AmorFou]

After the end of your relationship, you have done a lot to show her you acknowledged your mistakes and you know what you want. You have also left a crack to let her in and you made her aware of it..

 

So, she is still out there, looking at it, because she hasn't found someone else yet. That simple. Is she gonna jump to a new relationship on first chance or decide to talk to you, this is a decision she has to make. If you try to manipulate it, you will eventually get much more hurt in the end. I guarantee you that..

 

 

What qualifies as manipulation? Contacting her and trying to pursue/force the issue? I assure you all I will not be doing that. Like you said I have left the door open so its up to her... But she is probably expecting me to chase like I did in the past.

 

Also, is it weak that I even agreed to visiting her? She is 4 hours away and the one who dumped me after all.. That said, I honestly would like to see her city and her coming to me isn't that realistic for several reasons.

 

Thanks to everyone for the replies thus far.

[gaig]

What qualifies as manipulation? Contacting her and trying to pursue/force the issue? I assure you all I will not be doing that. Like you said I have left the door open so its up to her... But she is probably expecting me to chase like I did in the past.

 

Also, is it weak that I even agreed to visiting her? She is 4 hours away and the one who dumped me after all.. That said, I honestly would like to see her city and her coming to me isn't that realistic for several reasons.

 

Thanks to everyone for the replies thus far.

 

Sounds like you are on the correct mindset. You have moved on and you can be -near to- unrestrainedly cool. She calls, your cool and you see what to do. She doesn't call, she wasn't worth your attention and go on to your dating spree..

 

She was important to you once, but not anymore. She has to work for it if she wants to be there.

 

 

Quick question, how did you messed up badly with her pro-breakup?

[AmorFou]

 

 

Quick question, how did you messed up badly with her pro-breakup?

 

If you mean pre-breakup I hurt her one too many times and caused drama by being needy and weak during a time where she really couldn't handle any more stress (job interviews and moving)

 

If you meant post-breakup I told her I knew we would be able to stay friends immediately after but with a day I knew I wouldn't be able to do that so I started No Contact. Two weeks later she reached out to me and we met up which was a disaster as described in my post above.

 

I regret chasing after her instead of letting her come to me again like she said she wanted to after our post-breakup meeting. Then I went a little psycho when she was flakey which of course did not go well. Finally, like I said earlier in the thread I called her almost 3 months ago wanting to talk about where the relationship went wrong from her perspective with the reason being I didn't want to make the same mistakes in the future.

 

She took that as an opportunity to vent about how selfish she thought I was and how we were rarely on the same page, etc. etc.

 

I figured I would never hear from her after that but obviously I have.

 

If I could do it over again starting from when she dumped me I would still admit to my mistakes but tell her I couldn't have her in my life as a friend, only as a romantic interest and she should reach out to me if she wanted to give it another shot. Then there wouldn't be as much confusion.

[gaig]

If you mean pre-breakup I hurt her one too many times and caused drama by being needy and weak during a time where she really couldn't handle any more stress (job interviews and moving)

 

Meant "pre".

 

Alright, I dont think it really matters where you meet and who travels more.

 

In my opinion, she shouldn't see your old "bad" face. And you seem to acknowledge what face is that.

So, just be cool, not needy, not weak, don't dig old traumas, don't blame her, etc. If you cannot behave like that with ease, you might not be ready yet..

 

Give it a shot man..!

[AmorFou]

Update 2 months later:

 

I didn't hear from her and didn't speak to her at all since making this thread. Last night I get a message from her. "Hey stranger... I'm at xyz place and it reminds me of when we went to xyz place together! Hope you're doing good!"

 

Seems like classic breadcrumbs. I'm still not over here and must admit that I miss her a lot. Its also so strange because yesterday I was thinking about her constantly all day (hadn't done in a while) then I hear from her.

 

I haven't replied yet. She never messaged me to come visit like she said she would but then reaches out like this? What should I do? Also, it's important to note that the girl I'm seeing now posted a bunch of pictures of us together (I'm sure the ex saw)

[Marc878]

Breadcrumbs. IMO block her and move on. Letting someone toy with you isn't cool.

[BluesPower]

It is hard to say. I do think you are taking the right tact currently though.

 

I know that you are fairly young. You seem to be learning so all that is good. But understand this, it is always, always, always better to let the woman pursue you. Never ever let yourself come across weak in any way. Women hate that. If there is a woman that you are really interested in, let her come to you, like this one, maybe is.

 

For example, this current girl that you messed up with. She is chasing you a little, so let her. Like some have said, she may be tossing bread crumbs, so don't pick them up.

 

It really should be ok to visit her, but you have to be aloof, not cold in any way, but not showing you hand in any way. You will know if the has changed her mind about you. But you have to play it cool the whole time.

 

If it goes there during the visit and she wants to get laid, you could probably sleep with her if you wanted to. I am not sure on that one I'm maybe 50/50 on that. You would have to decide if you wanted to go there.

 

Above all, play it cool. Feel her out and make up your own mind, and don't think with your little head either.

 

The other side of this is that you are young. I may not be worth the trouble. And frankly, women are a dime a dozen. (Sorry ladies, so are guys for that matter) and you have to wonder if it is really worth getting so hung up on just one of them. That is a question that only you can answer.

 

Good luck to you...

[AmorFou]

How do I not pick up a breadcrumb? Does that mean not responding at all?

 

I was thinking of giving a nice but short reply... Then see how she responds. If it's not a reply that indicates she wants to see me or I get the sense that she has other intentions then I'll just firmly ask her to leave me alone unless she wants to see me romantically because its not helping me to fully move on.

 

This what I should have done when she first broke it off with me. Like you said, I've learned a lot. I'm young, but not that young and I have a lot of dating experience. She was the only one I ever let in like this and I don't know what to do.

 

Thank you!

[Thatoneguy55]

The minute the dynamic shifts to you pursuing the contact instead of her, her behavior will tell you all you need to know.

[juniorrocha]

How do I not pick up a breadcrumb? Does that mean not responding at all?

 

I was thinking of giving a nice but short reply... Then see how she responds. If it's not a reply that indicates she wants to see me or I get the sense that she has other intentions then I'll just firmly ask her to leave me alone unless she wants to see me romantically because its not helping me to fully move on.

 

This what I should have done when she first broke it off with me. Like you said, I've learned a lot. I'm young, but not that young and I have a lot of dating experience. She was the only one I ever let in like this and I don't know what to do.

 

Thank you!

 

The girl went 2 months not talking to you at all. Now all of a sudden she thinks of you and texts you. I don't think she's trying to pursue anything important with you.

 

2 months ago I also told you that maybe all she wanted was an ego boost. Let me tell you that a month after that, my ex texted me saying she misses me, she wished she was with me, and a bunch of other crap. I took it, said I love her, and she replied saying it was a mistake to message me. Then disappeared again.

 

Considering how it's been going for you, I highly doubt she's looking forward really having anything decent. Else she'd have contacted you a long time before.

 

If I were you, I'd just block her everywhere to make sure she doesn't get to contact me anymore. In fact, I did that to my ex. Better to let it die than to let someone every couple months give me sweet nothings.

[AmorFou]

Update again:

 

I responded and we exchanged a few messages just catching up. She tells me work is going a little better but still tough. I tell her what's new with me. Her responses are lengthy and she asked questions. I decided to cut the bs after she said "I actually really miss (town where we met and I still live) I never thought I would"

 

I reply "I think you miss me. Well you should come for a visit it would be great to see you."

 

She says "of course I miss you! Despite some fighting we had some fun times together. I'm definitely going to try and get back soon but I will work weekends."

 

Haven't responded to that and not sure how I should. Even if we don't get get back together I feel like I need to see her one more time. What would a good response to this be? It's not fair for her to say things like this I don't want her to know it affects me so much but I also want to say something so she'll "put up or shut up" if you know what I mean.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

What about the other girl you are actually dating? Does she factor into this at all or is she just being used while you try and get your ex back?

 

She is posting pictures on social media like you are a couple so my guess is she would be pretty hurt if / when she finds out what is going on.

 

I don't think it is fair that your ex is playing games with you for kicks, but neither is using this innocent girl.

 

Stop with the games and sort it out now.

[AmorFou]

She doesn't really factor into this. I'm not trying to use her. I've been dating her for a few months and since I've met her I haven't contacted my ex directly. Just responded when she reached out to me.

 

You're right I know it's messed up and not fair to her. How do you suggest I clear this up now? I like the girl I'm dating now but I know the ex still has my heart so as long as I think there's a chance with her I'm going to feel like this.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

This thing with the ex is all a game. She has been doing it for months, you must know that deep down right? She would never treat like that if she genuinely cared about you. I predict that if you come out and say "put up or shut up" she will dance around the answer while continuing to give you breadcrumbs.

 

Think about it.. She doesn't keep in contact regularly or discuss getting back together. Are they the actions of someone who cares or does it sound like someone who uses a guy occasionally for some quick and easy validation?

 

On the other hand you have this other girl who is actually there for you and presumably cares about you and wants people to know it. She isn't playing these games. She is right here, right now. It has potential, provided you ditch (block) the ex for good.

 

If you decide that you can't let go of the ex and want to stay in limbo indefinitely, it is only fair to let the other girl go so she can be with someone who has more to offer.

[phenix]

I had a fun time reading your story simply because something very similar happened to me in the past. This forum has helped me a lot so now, my turn to share.

 

To give you some background. I dated a girl for about 4 months. Just like eeeerbody, when I describe our time together, I'll qualify it as wonderful of course. However, at some point, she decided that I was not a fit with her culturally. She too was in the process of interviewing for jobs, so she used that to create fights and convince herself that shes doing the right thing (girls do that, it removes guilt and provides apparent reasons to break up). Shed be saying she was stressed out, and she also used it and other various reasons to see me less as she was so "busy". It is all BS. If a girl loves you, she will move mountains for you, as you would.

 

Fast forward, she dumped me. From then, 6 months passed radio silence, and she reached out again (shocker!) to tell me how she is sorry for the messy breakup, that she misses me, etc (translation: I still haven't found anybody else, and Im getting bored). She called me, and insisted on seeing me, even if she has to take a flight to come to me (translation: I am actually VERY bored, and getting needy. At least I know you can fix that for me and I know you still love me so I dont see why you'd say no). I loved her, couldn't say no. So she visited. I'll tell you, our time was awesome! It always was, it felt like we never broke up. We got lots of bedroom action too. The she left, and I was hyped up! I thought she was going to continue calling me and want to rekindle things...

 

...how was I so wrong? Didn't hear from her for months! She didn't care. I was her fix. Ouch, 6 months of moving on down the drain.

 

Fast forward to today (20 months post breakup): she still reaches out once in a while. I mean she still hasn't found anybody so why wouldn't she? She has invited me to visit her, I declined. You think I'm going to travel for a girl that dumped me? HECK NO!

 

She would send me messages and pictures once in a while to keep me on my toes and hoping. I straight out told her to stop messaging me since this is not productive and we are both busy in our careers etc. Wtv, she continues to message me every 3 months or so. She messaged me just last week via text saying she hoped I was healthy and doing well! I didn't reply. She is probably seeking an ego boost/securing a plan B/all those answers.

 

Conclusion: If you feel absolutely no feelings for her, you can meet her and get some physical action (however you're dating now, so this may not apply to you). If like me you still have feelings for the girl, do not meet her, move on. Good luck.

[juniorrocha]

I'm not trying to use her.

 

I'm sorry, but you already are. You didn't heal from your previous relationship yet you're dating a new girl. You can't give her everything because just like you said, your ex has your heart.

 

So you have two options here, in case you care to be honest (to them and most important, to yourself): you either block your ex everywhere and stay away from her, or you break up with this new girl so you can have your healing process done and she can find someone who is free to love her.