What just happened???

[laj]

I'm just trying to get my head around what just happened to me and wondering if anyone has any thoughts about what might be going through the MM's head.

 

My story: Married 13 years, two kids, and until recently thought(?) I was happy. But about a year ago I developed a serious crush on one of my daughters' sports coaches. He's also married with two kids. His personality is pretty much the polar opposite of my husband, so my theory is that I started crushing on MM because he has so many qualities that I WISH my husband has, but doesn't. Mostly I tried to ignore my feelings for MM, and I never gave any serious thought to acting on them. But I admit I enjoyed any chance I had to interact with him. I figured it was harmless, since it seemed unlikely that he would have similar feelings for me. And there was never any flirting or inappropriate behavior between us, at least not that I picked up on, beyond him throwing a few wink emojis into emails to me.

 

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago - I texted him about setting up a private lesson for my daughter. He replied to my text much later, at about 11 p.m., and it was clear that he had been drinking. After answering my question about the lesson, out of the blue he texted me that he loved me and that he "wished he could be with me."

 

I was pretty shocked and didn't know how to respond. And I told him that. But I'd been crushing on him for months, so after thinking about it for a bit, my resolve weakened. The next day I couldn't resist texting him again, to tell him that I liked him too. (I did NOT use the word "love.") Obviously he was sober by that time, but he stood by what he said. That kicked off a LOT of texting/sexting. I started obsessing about him and thinking about him ALL the time. I couldn't eat or sleep, I lost 6 pounds in a matter of days. He told me his marriage is really bad and his wife never wants to have sex. He said he's only with her because he can't stand the thought of not seeing his kids every day. He said divorce is not an option for him. He again told me he loved me, on more than one occasion, and that he wished he could be with me forever. I kept asking him to please stop using the word love, but he persisted. In spite of trying to be reserved and knowing that it was crazy and unworkable and horrible, I definitely was falling for him too. I just didn't tell him that.

 

Eventually we made plans to meet up at the location where my daughter takes lessons from him. We found a private spot that would work, and that's when things went physical. And literally the minute he was done, that was it, I sensed the change in him. He busted out of there, and when I texted him, he didn't text me back. The next day, he called me and told me it was done—he was too scared that his wife would find out and he would lose his kids.

 

I'm so baffled and confused and hurt. And guilty because I realize I don't have the RIGHT to feel hurt—it's only our spouses who really have that right. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm trying to process how and why I could betray my husband like that. And I'm trying to understand MM's thought process too—was this a totally premeditated plan to use me? Why would he suddenly start pursuing me so aggressively, after many months of knowing me, only to drop me like a hot potato after one hook-up? Did he ever have any real feelings for me at all? Like I said, I totally felt myself falling for him. Granted, I realize I've probably dodged a bullet here, and I know what I really need to do is examine what this means for my marriage. But right now all I can seem to focus on is being dumped by the MM, and why. I feel like he's the one who started all of this and I'm so angry at him for that—but I also miss him horribly and wish I could see him or text him again. I know I should cut off all contact with him, but he's still my daughter's coach - he's been great for her, and she adores him. I don't want to punish HER for something idiotic that we did.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to process this. I desperately want to know what was going on in his head when he did this. And I need to know how to move forward and forget about him, and focus on my husband again. Please help! And thank you for letting me talk about this here, I have no one else I can talk to about it.

Edited July 3, 2016 by laj

[BuddyX]

He used you. You got dumped. Now move on. But also, ask yourself, how bad is your marriage that you're willing to jump on another man's bone after a few sexting sessions?

 

Time to focus on your family. Are you willing to walk away from your family? Because if you don't put this on the back burner someone's going to get hurt.

[whatatangledweb]

It may be that once he crossed that line, the guilt hit him. He realized what he did and shut it off. It may have seemed like a fantasy for him until y'all had sex, then reality set in.

[Lobe]

It sounds like maybe you're not the first.

 

I think we often confuse familiarity with boredom.

 

I'm not generally an advocate of hiding things from a spouse but I feel like maybe right now you need some time to a) process what happened and b) why you stepped out on your husband.

 

I strongly suggest you ignore any/prevent making contact with MM until you get yourself sorted out. Were you really unhappy with your BS? Or just missing some excitement? Do you want to end your marriage? Once you figure this out, whether you do it on your own or via IC, you will need to decide if telling your husband or just knowing you're capable of cheating is enough to prevent you from doing it again.

 

This is a wake up call for you. Don't waste it.

[laj]

Thank you, Lobe. In retrospect, I also am starting to think he's done this before. I just can't believe I was so taken in by him ... and that I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that yes, he really did just use me.

[66Charger]

What qualities does this mm have that you wish your husband had?

Honesty?

Loyalty?

A Great husband?

 

He flirts with a married woman, cheats on his wife, says he loves another while married.

He does it in a car. Gets his jollies. he immedately gets the guilts, goes home probaly kissed, and had sex with his wife.

 

While you are pondering the question, and coming to terms that this guy used you, what great qualities do YOU have to give to your husband?

Edited July 3, 2016 by 66Charger

[Grey Cloud]

I think he will be back. He got scared. But once he has a few days to process what happened and realise that essentially he got away with it then he will be back for more. It's classic push/pull stuff. The question is whether you are strong enough to move on from this and work on your marriage. If not, this cycle will continue, you will take him back and the whole thing will continue to get messy and have the potential to hurt a lot of people including yourself. Be prepared for when the texts start up again or when you see him next.

[DKT3]

Thank you, Lobe. In retrospect, I also am starting to think he's done this before. I just can't believe I was so taken in by him ... and that I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that yes, he really did just use me.

 

You weren't taken in, you walked in willingly, you set the stage made decisions and took actions to make it happen.

 

I'm wondering how you could so quickly rank this guy above your husband, it's slightly creepy and how quickly you did not that

[Bufo]

One question about yourself in the post. Several about what OM is thinking. None about what BH will think if and when you confess and tell him this tale.

 

You are still in A mode. OM may not be since he got what he was after.

 

The opposite of love is indifference. Are you indifferent to BH? If so, seek to end the M. Telling him about the A probably wouldn't be necessary or even advisable. If you are leaving, don't rub the A in his face. Just be prepared for life on your own with half time kids.

 

As you are still in A mode, don't waste your time and money running to a marriage counselor., maybe you'd be better off seeing in IC to figure out why you were so anxious to risk family for this A. If you don't you may have a similar bad experience again,,whether or not BH is in the picture.

 

Whether or not you accept it, he did use you. Seeing him or talking to him just gives him another chance to do it all over again. Please don't go there.

[sandylee1]

He did a hit and run to be blunt about it.

 

His job is to coach your daughter and not to service you ..... so he's definetly crossed a professional line. You have let yourself and your family down.

 

Did you ever stop to think how this would affect your daughter if it got out and his wife became aware? If you didn't you should have and if you did and still went ahead what does that say about you.

 

Don't cheat period .... but if you must go further afield than the cliché son or daughter's coach or anyone else to close to base.

[Mayday2016]

He told you he loved you BEFORE the A started? Well, before the 'hookup'? He played you. Some guys do that. They think if a girl is under the impression he cares about her she will sleep with him. He wanted to get you on the hook.. He may keep you dangling or he may catch and release, time will tell.

[loveisanaction]

Touch down. No need to be baffled hon...

 

People say stuff when they're horny and/or drunk. After their hormones have leveled off they start thinking clearly, it happens to the best of us.

 

Your husband might not have had some of the qualities that your married man had but at least he made an honest woman out of you, made a family with you and built a home with you. Open your eyes to the imperfect but good man that your husband is. Love him regardless of his flaws...we all have them including yourself.

 

Love is an action. Go home OP and be the wife to the man you said your vows to.

 

Love him for who he is and forget about what he is not.

Edited July 3, 2016 by loveisanaction

[Friskyone4u]

Well, now you have some tough decisions to make.

(1) are you going to continue to constantly bone around this guy in your daughters activities

(2) if the answer to that is yes, you are setting yourself up for a repeat performance because he just had no strings sex and why not want more when the urge strikes him. So he will take another run at you

(3) can you really compartmentalize this and not tell your husband because if he finds out on his own it will be worse

(4) can you look your husband in the eye, make love to him the same way, knowing your secret.

 

Only you can answer these questions, and I thin k you need to stop worrying about yourself and if you got used and concentrate on how you are going to save your marriage because either way you decide on telling your husband or not there is risk involved.

[66Charger]

The best thing that happened, is that he treated you like dirt, and you wrote here. Now read the forum. Dont run away. If you want answers to your questions about the mm, read what the single OWs write. If you want answers to how your husband will react and if he will find out, read the infidelity side, and pray he doesnt find LS. And If you want to see a glimpse of your life, from this point forward, read what the MOWs write.

 

None of it is pretty. You are at a fork in your road, after you made a bad turn. Your life just changed.

 

Choose your direction wisely.

Edited July 3, 2016 by 66Charger

[Maggie888]

What is your H doing/thinkimg while you are pining for this guy? Does he not notive your preoccupation?

 

Why would you have even thought this was MM first time at cheating in the first place? It seems pretty clear he is quite manipulative throwing out I love you right off the bat randomly like that before you even started the A. I too am wonder ing what all these qualities are u saw in him?

 

He is showing you your place now. Hes showing you you are only a sidepiece hookup. He doesmt care what all he had to tell you to get you there.

[elaine567]

Unhappily married women are a perfect target for players.

You got used. Sorry!

[Sabella]

Hi Laj,

After reading your first post, a quote from the Anchorman movie came to mind, "wow, that escalated quickly!" I'm sure you are left completely baffled by your actions as well and trying to sort out this mess. But focus on the "you" aspect, not him.

 

Everyone has given some sound advice and insight so far, even if its really tough to hear. I know that it is, because I was the mow too.

 

Truly, it's one of two things with your mm. He is either a serial cheater or the guilt hit him after the physical act, and made him run. But really, it doesn't matter what's going on with him. All that matters now is you getting yourself right and sorting yourself out.

 

The fact that he dropped the "L" word after a random text shows that he will say just about anything possible to pull you back. Be ready for this, and simply cut it off before he can spin some stories at you. There is really no need for you to even talk to him in the future, daughter's coach or not.

 

Focus on what's going on in your marriage. Everyone has faults, are your hubby's faults so bad that you want to blow up your marriage? In my case it was, I had some abuse issues with my M.

 

It's true what 66charger wrote about not running away from this forum now. look around and read some of the aftermath that comes from an A, both during and after. It's not pretty and it will leave many people hurt, long after it happens. Both my A and my marriage are over and I think it will take me a long, long time to come to grips with everything. Do yourself a huge favor and start that journey now, not years from now, as many of us here have done.

 

Please keep posting and reading.

[laj]

Thanks, Sabella. Your reply means a lot to me. And thanks to everyone else who has replied here as well. Definitely not running away - right now I'm just reading and absorbing. Everyone here has given me things to think about.

[Lobe]

Have you started making a plan on how you intend to handle things going forward?

[Jersey born raised]

If your marriage is dead, divorce. It is painful when a spouse tells you this, but it is honest. If a spouse instead pursues the path you have and BS discovers the adultery it becomes soul crushing. At first shock sets in with a desperate need to save the marriage. Then the anger begins. All the missed hugs, the missed simple displays of affection that have gone AWOL for the past year (you mentioned the crush began a year ago) set in. Then the knowledge that the BS is the runner up sets in adding yet another layer of pain and loss of self esteem. Finally the realization that this is who the WS is and the BS has been played for a fool.

 

So just accept the marriage is over and divorce letting your husband and yourself find someone else. Although this seems harsh, go back and read your posts. There is not one word about what you value in the marriage, what you value in your husband, and perhaps one sentence about guilt.

[pooldog]

A marriage is not a vaccine against further attraction and lust.

 

I think you should get counseling to sort your feelings and find out what you want and how to get it whether that means to go the easy route and rekindle your marriage or to go the hard route to find a new one.

 

Thanks, Sabella. Your reply means a lot to me. And thanks to everyone else who has replied here as well. Definitely not running away - right now I'm just reading and absorbing. Everyone here has given me things to think about.

[Lostgirl186]

I'm just trying to get my head around what just happened to me and wondering if anyone has any thoughts about what might be going through the MM's head.

 

My story: Married 13 years, two kids, and until recently thought(?) I was happy. But about a year ago I developed a serious crush on one of my daughters' sports coaches. He's also married with two kids. His personality is pretty much the polar opposite of my husband, so my theory is that I started crushing on MM because he has so many qualities that I WISH my husband has, but doesn't. Mostly I tried to ignore my feelings for MM, and I never gave any serious thought to acting on them. But I admit I enjoyed any chance I had to interact with him. I figured it was harmless, since it seemed unlikely that he would have similar feelings for me. And there was never any flirting or inappropriate behavior between us, at least not that I picked up on, beyond him throwing a few wink emojis into emails to me.

 

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago - I texted him about setting up a private lesson for my daughter. He replied to my text much later, at about 11 p.m., and it was clear that he had been drinking. After answering my question about the lesson, out of the blue he texted me that he loved me and that he "wished he could be with me."

 

I was pretty shocked and didn't know how to respond. And I told him that. But I'd been crushing on him for months, so after thinking about it for a bit, my resolve weakened. The next day I couldn't resist texting him again, to tell him that I liked him too. (I did NOT use the word "love.") Obviously he was sober by that time, but he stood by what he said. That kicked off a LOT of texting/sexting. I started obsessing about him and thinking about him ALL the time. I couldn't eat or sleep, I lost 6 pounds in a matter of days. He told me his marriage is really bad and his wife never wants to have sex. He said he's only with her because he can't stand the thought of not seeing his kids every day. He said divorce is not an option for him. He again told me he loved me, on more than one occasion, and that he wished he could be with me forever. I kept asking him to please stop using the word love, but he persisted. In spite of trying to be reserved and knowing that it was crazy and unworkable and horrible, I definitely was falling for him too. I just didn't tell him that.

 

Eventually we made plans to meet up at the location where my daughter takes lessons from him. We found a private spot that would work, and that's when things went physical. And literally the minute he was done, that was it, I sensed the change in him. He busted out of there, and when I texted him, he didn't text me back. The next day, he called me and told me it was done—he was too scared that his wife would find out and he would lose his kids.

 

I'm so baffled and confused and hurt. And guilty because I realize I don't have the RIGHT to feel hurt—it's only our spouses who really have that right. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I'm trying to process how and why I could betray my husband like that. And I'm trying to understand MM's thought process too—was this a totally premeditated plan to use me? Why would he suddenly start pursuing me so aggressively, after many months of knowing me, only to drop me like a hot potato after one hook-up? Did he ever have any real feelings for me at all? Like I said, I totally felt myself falling for him. Granted, I realize I've probably dodged a bullet here, and I know what I really need to do is examine what this means for my marriage. But right now all I can seem to focus on is being dumped by the MM, and why. I feel like he's the one who started all of this and I'm so angry at him for that—but I also miss him horribly and wish I could see him or text him again. I know I should cut off all contact with him, but he's still my daughter's coach - he's been great for her, and she adores him. I don't want to punish HER for something idiotic that we did.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to process this. I desperately want to know what was going on in his head when he did this. And I need to know how to move forward and forget about him, and focus on my husband again. Please help! And thank you for letting me talk about this here, I have no one else I can talk to about it.

 

 

It's easy to get caught up in the fog.. New "feelings" you haven't felt in a while etc.. The way you describe how your MM sounds exactly like our first experience and most recent experience after full blown sex (except there have never been any I love yous or anything between us..) immediately afterward he goes cold and says it's over we can't do it again etc. this last time I think he meant it, but point being, I believe they feel immediately guilty afterwards and tell themselves never again.. After a few weeks, and realizing they "got away with it," the guilt starts to lift and the urge comes back... When he's lonely, he will start the cycle all over again.. I am going to give you advice I wish someone could have given me: RUN. So not get any more deeper, cut your losses now, before you get any feelings or your heart vested bc these things turn into a never ending cycle of hot and cold until one person is heartbroken (usually the woman) or your affair is discovered. Keep posting here- I hope it can be a safe place for you. (Ps my cycle is in year number two of hell)

[elaine567]

It's easy to get caught up in the fog.. New "feelings" you haven't felt in a while etc.. The way you describe how your MM sounds exactly like our first experience and most recent experience after full blown sex (except there have never been any I love yous or anything between us..) immediately afterward he goes cold and says it's over we can't do it again etc. this last time I think he meant it, but point being, I believe they feel immediately guilty afterwards and tell themselves never again.. After a few weeks, and realizing they "got away with it," the guilt starts to lift and the urge comes back... When he's lonely, he will start the cycle all over again.. I am going to give you advice I wish someone could have given me: RUN. So not get any more deeper, cut your losses now, before you get any feelings or your heart vested bc these things turn into a never ending cycle of hot and cold until one person is heartbroken (usually the woman) or your affair is discovered. Keep posting here- I hope it can be a safe place for you. (Ps my cycle is in year number two of hell)

 

 

Push pull behaviour of the MM.

 

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

[Grapesofwrath]

LAJ: I am sorry for the pain and confusion you feel. I'm afraid you have been manipulated by someone who has some skill in this area.

 

Google the term "love-bombing" and see if anything there rings true for you. It sounds like you were "love-bombed" by this man and now that he achieved his goal of getting you to weaken your boundaries, he is moving away from you. I expect he will be back at some point, with some explanation or another in an attempt to manipulate you once again.

 

Be strong. Do not respond to him other than to address your daughter's coaching needs. I understand that she likes him as a coach, but that doesn't mean she won't like another coach should you find a suitable replacement (and I would suggest doing so.)

 

Then take some time to do some soul-searching on what is going on with you that you fell prey to this type of manipulation. Maybe some IC could help with that.

[Tayla]

Mutual consent by two adults. Neither are preys.

(that's what happened)

 

They are each accountable to come clean with their spouses.

(This is what can happen ).