What warrants a second chance?

[tacoman]

Just wondering, what makes a second chance ever happen realistically? It seems nearly impossible, but you always hear stories of it happening. Why would anyone ever go back to someone they dumped.

My sistuation for example (i am trying to get over the hope phase) together for just over 5 years, great relationship, best friends, could spend 7 days a week together and never get sick of each other, etc. Things got busy and we got complacent in the relationship and took it for granted. We just stopped doing things and going out, etc...

 

She has only ever been with me (she is 23) because of 3 months of uneventfullness and the fact she never has been out with anyone else, she developed feelings for someone new, broke up with me and started dating them 2 weeks later. Even under that we are on good terms, but not contacting each other, because i need to get over her for now.

 

I am truly not clinging to hope to much ( i am trying to meet other women, etc) but me and my ex where like two peas in a pod and i thought (since she talked marriage 3 weeks before we broke) that we could spend a thousand years together and be happy. Our relationship was fantastic, we just got lost within it.

 

But knowing how many people there are in the world, etc. why would i or anyone else have a chance in hell in getting a second chance? Why would someone who dumped you ever look back?

 

The dynamics of human relationships blow my mind, their are so many things working on concious and unconcious levels all the time, the one thing that you can predict is that it is all completely unpredictable, once you can wrap your head around that you can move forward.

 

If you had a great relationship, etc. maybe just needed time to explore the rest of the world for a while apart, does the ex factor have any cards to play on the positive for another round? I just dont understand how she was so sure about marrying me and then bailed (yes i understand cold feet, etc....but i think it has more than just that to do with it)

[rastafari]

yea man, what a strange world. i think this sort of thing maybe common. im not shure, but i had a similar situation happen to me. my ex was telling me that she wanted to watch me grow old a week before she dumped me. random people on the streets would call us lovebirds around that time too. isnt it weird? i dont think these young women know what the heck they want to tell you the truth. i hope im not pissing anyone off, but it seems like women/girls in there eairly 20's go from one extreem to the other in a matter of days. i guess they want to see if there is anyone better for them before they get locked into a serious relationship. they get scared and back out. im not shure. maby it becomes too much for them. i got the "i need to explore myself" speech. with a lot of sentences that consisted of "i cant explain it"...which translates to me "i dont know what the hell i want"...

 

so i guess your old women wants to test the waters, then when she findes out that you were way better then most of the dudes she meets or is with, she might come back. but by that time you will most likley find another women when she come crawling back.

 

so i guess you got to give them something to miss and not talk to them.

[Jeannie]

Maybe I can offer some insight - or just my two cents. I'm a woman and I admit I'm sometimes like this. I love my BF to death one week then the next week he's making my skin crawl. What drives me crazy and makes me act like this is I can never get what I need from him - loyalty and devotion.

 

When he's attentive and sweet - I am madly in love with him, I trust him completely - want to grow old with him. He'll talk marriage, propose, say I'm "the one", etc. But then when we're out somewhere together he gawks at other women or he secretly buys porn mags. Then I can turn into an ice queen.

 

For me it's a lack of devotion and trust that's missing. Until I feel secure and that I can trust him - there's no way I'll be consistent in my feelings for him - I mirror him and keep my walls up.

[EvilChicobo]

Originally posted by tacoman

She has only ever been with me (she is 23) because of 3 months of uneventfullness and the fact she never has been out with anyone else, she developed feelings for someone new, broke up with me and started dating them 2 weeks later. Even under that we are on good terms, but not contacting each other, because i need to get over her for now.

 

I am truly not clinging to hope to much ( i am trying to meet other women, etc) but me and my ex where like two peas in a pod and i thought (since she talked marriage 3 weeks before we broke) that we could spend a thousand years together and be happy. Our relationship was fantastic, we just got lost within it.

 

 

Wow! Same thing has been happening to me as well, only my Ex is 19 and I'm 22. Things with her and me were amazing. I'm still having a hell of a time trying to get over her. Like your ex, mine still keeps in contact with me, and at times even wants to hang out with me. I'm having a feeling this is just a phase.

 

 

Originally posted by rastafari

i hope im not pissing anyone off, but it seems like women/girls in there eairly 20's go from one extreem to the other in a matter of days. i guess they want to see if there is anyone better for them before they get locked into a serious relationship. they get scared and back out. im not shure. maby it becomes too much for them. i got the "i need to explore myself" speech. with a lot of sentences that consisted of "i cant explain it"...which translates to me "i dont know what the hell i want"...

 

so i guess your old women wants to test the waters, then when she findes out that you were way better then most of the dudes she meets or is with, she might come back. but by that time you will most likley find another women when she come crawling back.

 

 

Totally agree with everything Rasta is saying. I have talked to so many women who have all told me that around that age 19-22 they went through that "I have to explore myself" period. Where they want to go off, live on their own, sample life and all that jazz.

 

I think some guys go through it as well, only possibly not as extreme. My guess is your ex and my ex have a lot in common, Taco, and perhaps down the road they'll realize that we were the best they had. I know for sure my girl won't ever find someone to love her the same way I did If you want to chat or discuss eachothers situations my AOL screen name is EvilChicobo, you're more than welcome to message me.

[scared shy]

First off let me start off by saying this is not just a strictly "female" problem. I have run into many males that pull the same $****. I think it's a common thing for males and females in that age group to display this sort of behavior.

When you are in a serious relationship at a young age, you are still trying to find out who you are and what you have to offer other's. So it's not unreasonable to go your own way and figure out things i.e. tell your SO that you need time, space to be on your own.

As far as why a person would go back, because they love that person (hopefully) and they found themselves. Or perhaps the timing wasn't right originally, there really are endless possibilities as to why someone whom you loved, loves you would reunite. "If you love someone set them free, if they come back , it was meant to be."

I just want to end this stating that fickleness is not a discriminatory behavior, it afflicts all, old young, men, women, children...

[westernxer]

I'll reconsider when they're ready to walk through fire... only the truly penitent are willing and able. It shows how sincere they really are.

[scared shy]

What about walking over broken glass or hot coals, would that suffice? Only kidding...

So westernxer, you would never give someone a second chance, if the breakup wasn't for malicious reasons? Like let's say you were with someone, and they had to move away for job or whatever, (I read you don't do the LDR anymore) so they move away and break up while their away, you wouldn't be prepared to take them back if the spark was there, they never did anything to hurt you blah blah blah???

[westernxer]

Originally posted by scared*shy

So westernxer, you would never give someone a second chance, if the breakup wasn't for malicious reasons? Like let's say you were with someone, and they had to move away for job or whatever, (I read you don't do the LDR anymore) so they move away and break up while their away, you wouldn't be prepared to take them back if the spark was there, they never did anything to hurt you blah blah blah???

 

That's funny... blah, blah.

 

If it wasn't malicious, maybe, but I lost contact with all of them. Actually, I did call a girl from college awhile back but the number was outdated. Even wrote her, but she probably burned the letter, or maybe she's married. Never heard back, so oh well. At least I tried.

 

The long distance one was pretty bad... I dodged a bullet with her . Problem is, I still run into some of the role players every time I go up to visit. One of these days we're gonna run into each other and... ¡ay de mi!

[scared shy]

Oh don't get me wrong, I don't keep in contact with any of my exes, they are that way for a reason... except 1 who I need to implement the NC cause it's way too painful otherwise. What can I say I am a repeating offender in the sucker for love game. The only reason why I would ever consider a second (ok it's really like a fifth chance, told you I'm a sucker) because it never has been malicious or hurtful other than watching him destroy himself, and it's all about self preservation... I read that somewhere mmmm?

 

So back to the discussion at hand, sometimes second chances can work out (I would not be the example I would cite for obvious reasons)

one of my co-workers got back together with his ex from ages ago, I mean they both married other people had kids, the whole nine yards. They then found eachother again and agreed that it wasn't the right timing the first go around, he was a way party boy and she wanted stability, couldn't do it then, but you wouldn't see a happier couple now.

 

P.S.

When/if you run into her, just wave, and as my wise Grandmother says, you aren't flipping her off with you're finger, you're flipping her off with the whole family. You know what you are really doing, and she thinks you're being nice. Works very well in rush hour traffic too. Everyone wins, and yes I know I am cheesy and probably a little insane.

[EvilChicobo]

Originally posted by scared*shy

P.S.

When/if you run into her, just wave, and as my wise Grandmother says, you aren't flipping her off with you're finger, you're flipping her off with the whole family. You know what you are really doing, and she thinks you're being nice. Works very well in rush hour traffic too. Everyone wins, and yes I know I am cheesy and probably a little insane.

 

 

LOL I'm sorry that had to be the funniest thing I've read in a while. It's not insane it's great!!

 

 

I'm reading through your guys posts and I reflect on the relationship I had. Sure nothing malicious happened, and we left on great terms. She just went through the young explorer stage. Which I will admit I had done it too when I was 19-20. So, I mean, what are the chances of her actually finding someone else? I mean granted she could go out there, realize what we had was great, and then the timing could be perfect and all, but what's stopping her from doing it again? That'd be my biggest worry.

 

We had such a good thing to just give up on you know? I understand she's young though, and perhaps maybe all she needs is time. It's just, the no knowing if we'll get the second chance or not is what really bothers me

[scared shy]

EvilChicobo

 

I'm reading through your guys posts and I reflect on the relationship I had. Sure nothing malicious happened, and we left on great terms. She just went through the young explorer stage. Which I will admit I had done it too when I was 19-20. So, I mean, what are the chances of her actually finding someone else? I mean granted she could go out there, realize what we had was great, and then the timing could be perfect and all, but what's stopping her from doing it again? That'd be my biggest worry.

 

 

Well see if you did it, then give her the same chance. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Nothing is stopping her from doing it again, unless she truly loves you. That's where you, and we all take the gamble.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by scared*shy

... it's all about self preservation... I read that somewhere mmmm?

 

Who in the hell would say that?

 

 

When/if you run into her, just wave, and as my wise Grandmother says, you aren't flipping her off with you're finger, you're flipping her off with the whole family. You know what you are really doing, and she thinks you're being nice. Works very well in rush hour traffic too. Everyone wins, and yes I know I am cheesy and probably a little insane.

 

Yes, you are insane. Definitely won't run into her anytime soon, but if I do, I'll just smile and walk away (and hope she doesn't follow me).

[moon]

I have to say that this last weekend I went and say my ex-boyfriend. We had been broken up for 8 months. He started dating another girl shortly after me and that really pissed me off. I felt I got left for another women. He thinks the anger that I expressed from being jealous about suspicions is what caused our break up. The point stands that he did end up dating this girl for a few months. They have been broken up now for months and months.

 

So I went to go see my ex last weekend and I explained all the hurt I felt during the months of our break up. He was somewhat sympathetic, but sort of kept with the attitude that if we are going to make a second chance at our relationship I have to forget about what he did to me. I have to forget.

 

I just couldn't do it. I think when somebody really hurts you and they don't really don't want to communicate to much about it afterwards then you have a very slim chance of going back into a healthy relationship with them. If the person is not willing to talk and communicate about ALL the issues that affected your break up...........then I say it's not worth it.

 

My ex offered me a "second chance" and I didn't take it. I just decided I couldn't trust a man again who isn't willing to own up to his mistakes, because the same thing will just happen to me again.

 

But I got plenty of closure. I feel so much better now. I guess I aqcuired a new friend in a way. I like my ex as a human (when he acts like one) but as a boyfriend HE falls short of my expectations now.

 

So I think you really have to look at the situation in many ways. You have to think about what caused the break up and you have to be with a partner who is willing to dig deep into their mistakes and figure out how to have a better relationship the next time. Sure saying sorry is easy.........but how do you know that they aren't going to F*ck you over again but worse if you take them back.

 

So I just had to deal with this myself. I realized it wasn't worth it. Just because an ex comes crawling back to you and wanting you again doesn't mean that your next relationship will be any different. I think the key is to realize there were probably major issues before and after the break up and you must deal with those.

 

It's real nice when somebody comes back to you hoping to jump on board again with the same relationship you had before, but I think you have to stop yourself and say THINK. Think about what they did to you and try to decide if they are willing to own up to their mistakes and if they have chanced. Of course the dumpee also has to be willing to own up to their mistakes, but it's got to be a two way street.

 

I realized that my last relationship is dead. I want a new one where the guy treats me with lots and lots of respect. But it's okay. My ex and I are now in the friends department and were able to understand our differences and move on in a healthy way. It sucks when you have a BIG painful break up where you don't speak anymore. It's so much nicer to just realize you aren't right for each other anymore. I learned that esson too. Now if I want to call the guy and say hi........the doors open, but it'd just be for friendship at this point and not much else. We both just sort of made that clear with each other. So sometimes you don't necesssarily need a second chance at romantic love with them, you need to just move on, yet allow your anger to go away and your love as a person for them to return---the type you might have for a friend or a relative. It feels good to get to that point.

 

Good luck.

[scared shy]

All I can say is that I would never be friends with someone who cheated on me let alone give them a second chance. If you can be friends then "hey great for you". I think that shows a lot of maturity if you BOTH really want to be friends cause you just care so much about eachother. Call me stubborn and prideful, but I just couldn't. I have to trust my friends, and the trust would be broken, therefore no friendship.

But I say to each their own, and what is good for one person may not be good for another.

[sarah12]

scared*shy - I don't think moon's ex cheated on her. He dated another girl shortly after they broke up.

 

moon - good for you for stopping yourself before getting back into the relationship. Not many people have the courage to NOT go back.

 

tacoman:

Just wondering, what makes a second chance ever happen realistically?

This question gets asked all the time on here. The usual answers are "been there, done that, it never works out" and an occasional "who's to say it doesn't work?? my friend's mother's sister's cousin and her bf got back together after x number of months and now they're married with 3 kids."

 

Why would anyone ever go back to someone they dumped.

For comfort, usually. People are scared to move on and try something new because they aren't used to it.

 

why would i or anyone else have a chance in hell in getting a second chance? Why would someone who dumped you ever look back?

I've looked back on one guy that I fell into the comfort zone with. I questioned it a lot after I broke things off because I remembered the good times and the fact that he cared sooo much about me and was willing to sacrifice a lot for me, not to mention thought very highly of me. But ultimately, I always came back to the same conclusion that he wasn't the right one for me and I wouldn't be doing him any favours by testing out that second chance.

 

does the ex factor have any cards to play on the positive for another round? I just dont understand how she was so sure about marrying me and then bailed (yes i understand cold feet, etc....but i think it has more than just that to do with it)

If you want to stay in her good books, you should try backing off a bit and make her think that you are indifferent towards her right now. Women don't like men who show weakness and this side of men usually comes out when we do the breaking up. It's ugly because we start to see a side of the man that we never knew existed and actually scared off. So if she calls, keep the convo light and short and show her that you are having a good time doing your own thing. It will bug her that you aren't missing her like she thought you were and then she'll start to get scared and realize that she's truly losing you for good.

[too_risky]

 

If you want to stay in her good books, you should try backing off a bit and make her think that you are indifferent towards her right now. Women don't like men who show weakness and this side of men usually comes out when we do the breaking up. It's ugly because we start to see a side of the man that we never knew existed and actually scared off. So if she calls, keep the convo light and short and show her that you are having a good time doing your own thing. It will bug her that you aren't missing her like she thought you were and then she'll start to get scared and realize that she's truly losing you for good.

 

 

Does this happen towards men too?

[EvilChicobo]

I keep seeing all these strategies in which people use no contact or try to make the girl miss then and go crazy for them. But is it really right to get someone back simply using manipulation? Once they do come back they'll just leave again because the chase back is over. I dunno, I just feel that if someone comes back to you it should be out of their pure love for you and not just some manipulative method to try and get them back. Because if you have to use tricks then perhaps you yourself aren't really loving them.