Finding it diffcult

[mshaw]

A few years ago my wife started having affairs with married men she would meet on Ashley Madison. She was unhappy with our marriage and suffering from depression. Her doctor was prescribing a high dosage of antidepressants which likely caused a hypomanic episode and elicited her promiscuous behaviour. She was later diagnosed as bipolar, and with medication, has been faithful.

 

When she was hypomanic she confined in her father. Although he did warn her of the consequences (he is a serial adulterer and on his third marriage, so he would know), I doubt her father believes that being faithful/honest is necessary in a marriage. In fact he told her that he was exploring Ashley Madison himself. Although he had many opportunities to intervene, he decided not to even if his daughter’s family was at risk.

 

After a while my wife’s guilt got the best of her and she confessed what happened. Though a lot of research and healing, I was able to truly understand it was the medically induced hypomania and not the fault of my wife. Given what her father did (or didn’t do), she stop speaking to him for five years. During that period of time he never tried to speak to her, me or our kids. He never tried to reconcile, explain himself or ask for forgiveness.

 

About a year ago, my wife heard he has prostate cancer. My wife believes he will soon die from it but he has had it for many years and I’ve read many men now live with this cancer. My wife decided to re-establish her relationship with him and this has now caused a substantial rift in our marriage. My wife and he never speak about what happened and her father continues to have no contact with our kids or myself.

 

Although I have a different opinion, I understand my wife feels she has a duty to her father. What is of great concern to me is how she can ignore what he did in that he disrespected not only the kids and myself but also that of his own daughter. At least she should express to him that what he did was wrong and failed to support his daughter when she needed him the most.

 

I am not trying to sabotage my wife’s relationship with her father. What I feel now is that if her own family is important to her that she would let her father know. I’m feeling my wife lacks empathy and is disrespecting our family. This is eating at me so much that I think after many years of healing, our marriage will end in failure.

 

I appreciate your thoughts because discussing this with family and friends would be very difficult.

[oldshirt]

you are like a farmer who's dog eats the chicken but he whips the cow because the cow saw the dog.

[Satu]

Projection.

 

You are project the pain of your wife's infidelity onto your father in law.

 

That pain was inflicted on you by your wife and her affair partners.

 

 

Take care.

[Angelica21]

Forgive, forgive, forgive.

 

Kindness, kindness, kindness.

 

Compassion, compassion, compassion.

 

You and your wife worked hard to heal your marriage, and as of today your marriage is still healed. DON'T BREAK YOUR MARRIAGE NOW because of past mistakes that are over and gone.

 

Your wife loves you. Your wife loves her father. Allow your wife to love both people.

 

You love your wife and you love your kids. Therefore be a strong man and set a positive example of kindness and compassion to allow your wife and kids to have a relationship with her father / their grandfather regardless of how much time is remaining.

 

None of us are guaranteed even one more day on this earth. If we get one, we should spend that day well.

[SammySammy]

Some things just need to be said.

 

Depression, antidepressants and hypomania did not cause your wife to have affairs with multiple men.

 

A bipolar diagnosis and new medication are not causing her to be faithful.

[Mr. Lucky]

At least she should express to him that what he did was wrong and failed to support his daughter when she needed him the most.

 

Given that you've accepted your wife's "episode" was medically induced, what support - or lack thereof - did your FIL fail to deliver? What is your expectation of what he should have done?

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Projection.

 

You are project the pain of your wife's infidelity onto your father in law.

 

That pain was inflicted on you by your wife and her affair partners.

 

 

Take care.

 

...And blaming the medications as the reason your wife cheated.

[Angelica21]

Some people make mistakes, and then they are truly sorry for the mistake they made, and they try to correct the mistake.

 

It really doesn't matter whether the mistake (the wife cheated) was because of bad judgment caused by the wife's medication, bad judgment caused by the wife's lack of moral character, or bad judgment caused by the wife's deep satanic evil. IT DOESN'T MATTER! People can make a mistake, be genuinely sorry, be genuinely forgiven, and a marriage can be healed.

 

I know on the surface it sounds laughable that a medication caused infidelity, but the brain is weird. For example, it's a fact that medications for restless leg syndrome or medications for Huntington's disease cause gambling addictions (not every time but sometimes).

 

The original poster has forgiven his wife, they've worked to heal the marriage, and he indicated that the infidelity is a thing of the past, regardless of what caused it. He said that the wife felt guilty, and was not cavalierly duping him into blaming the drugs.

 

I don't understand why some people responded as though he should not have forgiven her.

[mshaw]

you are like a farmer who's dog eats the chicken but he whips the cow because the cow saw the dog.

 

...hmm, are you calling my wife a dog? Really, not following your analogy.

[Mittens]

I'm bipolar myself so maybe I can offer some perspective. 10 years ago I had a manic episode - I wasn't on meds at the time - and had an affair.

 

I'm now on meds, have been with my now fiance for 7 years and haven't felt the need to cheat once. And I've had quite a few manic episodes whilst I've been on the meds. Still not gone out and cheated.

 

I cheated 10 years ago because I was deeply unhappy in my marriage. The problems were nothing to do with me being bipolar, more to do with my husband being unwilling to sort out a physical problem that greatly impacted on our sex life.

 

You are blaming your father in law for not stopping your wife. Your father in law could no more control your wife's actions than you can...what on earth did you expect him to do? Are you saying that you feel he actually encouraged your daughter to be unfaithful? Once again, it was your wife that chose in the end to stray...she could have ignored everything her father said.

 

If your wife wants to have a relationship with her father, that's up to her, not you. She has come to realize that he wasn't responsible for her actions. You are directing your anger at the wrong person.

[mshaw]

Hi Mittens,

 

I agree with most of what you wrote. But being manic does remove inhibitions and therefore one does what they normally would not do. They are not fully in control.

 

If my daughter was ever in the same situation, I would intervene. Serially meeting men on AM can be dangerous, not only for her but her for children too. I've raised my children to be respectful and sensitive, so if they were in an unhappy marriage, either fix it or end it. Having sex with married men is obviously not the solution. For god's sake, that was his child!

 

You are right, it is my wife's choice.