His "obsession" with other women keeps hurting me [updated 2016-10-23]

[hermitcrab]

I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year now. He lives an hour away from me, and I stay over at his house 3-4 nights a week. The good - we share a sense of humor and interests, I get along with his mom, he tells me super romantic things I haven't really heard from a guy before, and I believe we both love each other (sometimes I do doubt that he does, but he still says it often). He says we are exclusive and he sees a future with me.

 

The bad - I keep feeling like he has a huge obsession with other women. He tells me about other girls he finds attractive, he has a poster of a woman half naked up on his wall, has a half naked calendar of women up on his wall, has a rotating wallpaper on his computer with pretty close to porn images of women, likes a lot of girls selfies on facebook, and a few months back I saw his most visited website was a cam girl website (which he says was just used as porn, no interaction). Still, the fact that was a "live" nude girl makes it more personal and felt very close to cheating and left me feeling like **** and inadequate. He said he'd stop watching porn for me, I just said it would be good if he could at least cut down since I don't want to make an unreasonable request or anything. He just seems so into other women and it's really ****ing with how I feel about myself. I have told him that he could at least not tell me about every attractive woman he saw, and he said he thought it was stupid that I would be upset over that, and he wouldn't be upset if I called other guys hot. He also said he'd try to stop, but he still hasn't. Even if he's just talking about wanting to **** celebrities, it still bothers me and I guess he doesn't get that..

 

I do have insecurity problems to begin with, so that might be what's making this seem worse, and I am working on those. I'm seeing a therapist and going to the gym and all that. But even while improving how I feel about myself, these things still eat at me and make me feel like crap. I'm not sure what to do, is this relationship too unhealthy for me or am I just overreacting because of my own insecurities and issues? Should I just focus on the good and keep trying to put this out of my mind?

[Sabella]

Hi, I'm sorry you are hurting over this

What you are feeling is actually quite normal, low self esteem issues or not. He has shown a lack of respect towards you that has made you feel even more insecure. You can't simply ignore those feelings or hide them away. They will be there and fester.

 

How old are the both of you? He sounds quite immature in the way he deals with your feelings.

 

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but based on what you've described and your interactions with him, I would have to say this is not a healthy relationship for you. Just saying he loves you isn't the same as showing you.

[Lady2163]

This is both a matter of self esteem and trust.

 

I've had boyfriends blatantly flirt with other women in front of me or compare my appearance to other women. That was psychologically abusive and I was a moron to tolerate for as long as I did. That wasn't love.

 

I'm kind of glad I'm not 20 something now. Men my age don't seem to have the porn viewing prevalence that 20 somethings nowadays do. And they seem to think it is "normal". I'm not saying men in their late 40s and early 50s NEVER look at porn, just not as often as millenials.

 

Of course looking at porn online in the 1990s essentially meant giving your computer cancer.

 

I would encourage you to figure out what your limits are and discuss them with your boyfriend. You should be as specific as possible. Ask him if he would be all right if you were doing the same thing. My guess is, he can separate fantasy from reality easier than you can.

 

I've also had boyfriends and one exh I trusted completely. They were just that stand up kind of men, They didn't feed my insecurity, they didn't push my buttons.

 

Which one is your boyfriend?

[juniorrocha]

Tell him, again, whenever he mentions other women that way (as in ****ing them or whatever) that you feel disrespected when he says that.

 

Or you can do what I did with my ex. She use to look at other guys, call them handsome, sometimes even flirt right in front of me and then denial. We had several fights about that, until the day I noticed that fighting with her wouldn't get me anywhere, so I started to do the same: looking, flirting, talking about other girls and her reaction was: jealousy!

 

Whenever I saw a hot woman, I would really look at them, sometimes I would comment. Sometimes she would be like "wow, can you stop looking?". Eventually I stopped and so did her. Guess she realized it hurts to do that.

[hermitcrab]

Hi, I'm sorry you are hurting over this

What you are feeling is actually quite normal, low self esteem issues or not. He has shown a lack of respect towards you that has made you feel even more insecure. You can't simply ignore those feelings or hide them away. They will be there and fester.

 

How old are the both of you? He sounds quite immature in the way he deals with your feelings.

 

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but based on what you've described and your interactions with him, I would have to say this is not a healthy relationship for you. Just saying he loves you isn't the same as showing you.

 

Thank you. I am 24 and he is soon to be 26. I really just would be so happy if he stopped this but I am thinking he won't no matter what and I will need to learn to deal with it on my own. I had an ex that wouldn't stop similar behavior and it got to be too much (plus he was just an ass in general) so I had to end it with him. This relationship I feel is better though, I'm not sure if I would be better off without him like my ex.

 

This is both a matter of self esteem and trust.

 

I've had boyfriends blatantly flirt with other women in front of me or compare my appearance to other women. That was psychologically abusive and I was a moron to tolerate for as long as I did. That wasn't love.

 

I'm kind of glad I'm not 20 something now. Men my age don't seem to have the porn viewing prevalence that 20 somethings nowadays do. And they seem to think it is "normal". I'm not saying men in their late 40s and early 50s NEVER look at porn, just not as often as millenials.

 

Of course looking at porn online in the 1990s essentially meant giving your computer cancer.

 

I would encourage you to figure out what your limits are and discuss them with your boyfriend. You should be as specific as possible. Ask him if he would be all right if you were doing the same thing. My guess is, he can separate fantasy from reality easier than you can.

 

I've also had boyfriends and one exh I trusted completely. They were just that stand up kind of men, They didn't feed my insecurity, they didn't push my buttons.

 

Which one is your boyfriend?

 

Sorry you had to deal with that. My boyfriend made one comment about how some girl on TV was cuter than me one time, which I think was the worst he's made. I know there are girls are cuter than me, I just hate to be reminded. He said he would be fine with me doing the same he's doing/has done, as long as I come home with him it doesn't matter. I kind of wish I could think like that.

 

@juniorrocha Yeah, I just keep thinking I won't get through to him, since I've told him several times before that it bothers me. He also told me he won't get mad if I make comments about other men, he'd even like it if I did, which is off to me. He does get jealous if I have guy friends though.:/

[leogirl876]

This is both a matter of self esteem and trust.

 

 

 

I'm kind of glad I'm not 20 something now. Men my age don't seem to have the porn viewing prevalence that 20 somethings nowadays do. And they seem to think it is "normal". I'm not saying men in their late 40s and early 50s NEVER look at porn, just not as often as millenials.

 

 

 

 

Not true. My ex-boyfriend had a porn addiction, and he is going to be 43 this Sept! It was horrible, our sex life was horrible because of his ED but couldn't stop the porn. If he even went just a couple of days without porn & JO, then our sex life was great, the problem is it's an addiction. And if your boyfriend is addicted, which it sounds like he's on his way, nothing you can say or do will change that. That's one thing I won't tolerate in a relationship is porn. There's people that try to downplay it and say it's a normal thing for men to do, but when it interferes with having sex with your real life partner, that's in no way normal. And there's nobody that could convince me that porn actually helps a relationship.

 

Take it from someone who's about to turn 40, your best bet is to walk away from him. It'll only get worse until the point that he can't get it up with you anymore, and let me tell you, that gets old quick!!! And don't believe him when he tells you he's not doing it anymore, I was naive and believed both ex-boyfriends, to find out later, they were still doing it.

 

Men that watch porn a lot actually change their brain chemistry and get desensitized to sex, and it takes more & more for them to get turned on. It's just like a drug, the more they do it, the more they need. This may be an extreme case, but that's how the serial killer Ted Bundy became what he was. It started with porn and progressed to the point that he could only get off by raping, torturing and murdering women.

 

I'd walk away if I were you....

[Lorenza]

Ugh, low self-esteem or not, this is just annoying and disrespectful. There's enough pressure on both genders, when it comes to looks - we are literally bombarded by images of other attractive people every where, they are directed towards our self-esteem as a driving force for items those images sell. Being with your closest person should be a safe haven to feel relaxed and content with yourself. Kinda live a fantasy that you two are the most handsome people in the whole world.

 

There are people who dig this type of thing - talking about who they'd fouck, looking through pics together etc etc. But that's more an exception than a rule. Usually people, especially women, don't want those images hauting them while spending time with their SO.

[bachdude]

To be blunt, being a guy I can't imagine treating someone I claimed to love this disrespectfully. And it is cheating to do a live webcam "porn" session with another woman. I'm wondering if he has a sexual addiction.

 

 

Why do you want to have to deal with this behavior when there are perfectly decent guys out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated, with respect. Instead you are with a guy who is utterly careless with your feelings, at least in this area.

[PogoStick]

Definitely a lot of your insecurities. Don't expect a guy to not watch porn. Don't ask to do it less. What's that even mean? 20% less? What!? If he has his own place then he should be free to decorate it how he wants. If you live together then compromise is in order.

 

He is being inconsiderate though. He shouldn't point out hot women, or say someone is more attractive than you if it bothers you. If you ask him to stop and he continues then you have to end the relationship. Make it clear you 100% will not tolerate it.

 

As for a live cam girl. Still not cheating. It's a guy having fun. It's still just a fantasy girl. Nothing real about it.

 

Tell you what would be even hotter, and more fun. Join him! Watch a girl or couple together while you bang. Jerk or blow him while he gets to type away and flirt. Skype sex with another couple online. You could turn this kink into something awesome.

[frus69]

I'm sorry your guy just doesn't intelligent. Did he go to college? Has he received proper education?

[angel.eyes]

You can leave the relationship, you know? No one is forcing you to stick around and tolerate behavior that you don't like.

[ExpatInItaly]

]To be blunt' date=' being a guy I can't imagine treating someone I claimed to love this disrespectfully.[/b'] And it is cheating to do a live webcam "porn" session with another woman. I'm wondering if he has a sexual addiction.

 

 

Why do you want to have to deal with this behavior when there are perfectly decent guys out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated, with respect. Instead you are with a guy who is utterly careless with your feelings, at least in this area.

 

This.

 

OP- Porn or not, he is blatantly disrespecting your feelings and telling you that you are the one with the problem. He sounds incredibly immature as well. I'm not sure on what planet he feels a woman would be just fine with his behaviour. Fantasizing is one thing - he's taking it further by just being a crass tool and dismissive of you.

What he is doing extends beyond enjoying some porn now and then. It's not the same as making an occasional comment about an attractive woman, either. He is knowingly hurting you by continuing a behaviour you asked him to put a cap on. What does that tell you about his level of care and consideration for you?

 

Sorry, but I wouldn't bother with a guy like this. I require more respect.

[elaine567]

He is who he is and you cannot change him.

Too many people enter relationships and decide they do not like things about the other person and set out to change them.

That may be fine if he slurps his soup, or his taste in ties is appalling, but not if he is obsessed with other women.

This man not only is obsessed with naked women and porn, he has now gone down the live webcam route.

He has leapt a hurdle and is now basically paying for sex. You have to acknowledge that.

Where this will lead God knows? How much will you put up with? Massage parlours for happy endings, escorts, prostitutes...

 

At the moment he is hurting you big time and he seems oblivious, and minimises your concerns, is that love???

He may indeed be a sex addict, have a porn addiction or he may be just a jerk who takes pleasure in hurting you or a mixture of all three. Who knows?

BUT YOU cannot change him.

 

Dating is about finding like minded people and people who make you happy, not about finding someone, anyone and then moulding them into the person that you really want. That never works.

 

BTW anyone can SAY they love you, anyone can TALK super romantic, but it is actions that really matter and his actions here should tell you a lot about how he really rates you...

[hermitcrab]

Why do you want to have to deal with this behavior when there are perfectly decent guys out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated, with respect. Instead you are with a guy who is utterly careless with your feelings, at least in this area.

 

To be honest, I have a hard time connecting with people, so when I do, I appreciate them and don't want to just rid them from my life. I'm introverted and have a social anxiety problem, I feel like I'm lucky to be able to get anyone to date me.

[katiegrl]

To be honest, I have a hard time connecting with people, so when I do, I appreciate them and don't want to just rid them from my life. I'm introverted and have a social anxiety problem, I feel like I'm lucky to be able to get anyone to date me.

 

Oh man, this is sad.

 

My only advice is seek professional help, because disrespectful, dismissive behavior like this bozo is engaging in will only bring you down further and further, making you feel even worse about yourself than you do now...

 

Best of luck...

[ExpatInItaly]

To be honest, I have a hard time connecting with people, so when I do, I appreciate them and don't want to just rid them from my life. I'm introverted and have a social anxiety problem, I feel like I'm lucky to be able to get anyone to date me.

 

This is big part of the problem, because you'll allow someone to disrespect you. You've chosen someone who doesn't care about your feelings, which is the worst type pf partner we can select.

 

My advice?

 

Get rid of this guy. Invest your energy in building yourself up, digging deep and working on your self-esteem and self-image.

 

When we feel better about ourselves, we tend to make much healthier choices in life. This includes our choice of romantic partner.

[katiegrl]

Oh man, this is sad.

 

My only advice is seek professional help, because disrespectful, dismissive behavior like this bozo is engaging in will only bring you down further and further, making you feel even worse about yourself than you do now...

 

Best of luck...

 

To add.. no you are not *lucky* to be dating this insensitive jerk.

 

You would be much better off on your own, exploring and resolving the issues surrounding your incredibly low self-esteem.... that results in your tolerating and allowing this crap to become a part of your life...

[MissBee]

I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year now. He lives an hour away from me, and I stay over at his house 3-4 nights a week. The good - we share a sense of humor and interests, I get along with his mom, he tells me super romantic things I haven't really heard from a guy before, and I believe we both love each other (sometimes I do doubt that he does, but he still says it often). He says we are exclusive and he sees a future with me.

 

The bad - I keep feeling like he has a huge obsession with other women. He tells me about other girls he finds attractive, he has a poster of a woman half naked up on his wall, has a half naked calendar of women up on his wall, has a rotating wallpaper on his computer with pretty close to porn images of women, likes a lot of girls selfies on facebook, and a few months back I saw his most visited website was a cam girl website (which he says was just used as porn, no interaction). Still, the fact that was a "live" nude girl makes it more personal and felt very close to cheating and left me feeling like **** and inadequate. He said he'd stop watching porn for me, I just said it would be good if he could at least cut down since I don't want to make an unreasonable request or anything. He just seems so into other women and it's really ****ing with how I feel about myself. I have told him that he could at least not tell me about every attractive woman he saw, and he said he thought it was stupid that I would be upset over that, and he wouldn't be upset if I called other guys hot. He also said he'd try to stop, but he still hasn't. Even if he's just talking about wanting to **** celebrities, it still bothers me and I guess he doesn't get that..

 

I do have insecurity problems to begin with, so that might be what's making this seem worse, and I am working on those. I'm seeing a therapist and going to the gym and all that. But even while improving how I feel about myself, these things still eat at me and make me feel like crap. I'm not sure what to do, is this relationship too unhealthy for me or am I just overreacting because of my own insecurities and issues? Should I just focus on the good and keep trying to put this out of my mind?

 

This guy doesn't sound like a good guy for you.

 

Relationships are not about what you mentioned as the good: same sense of humor and a man telling you romantic things you haven't heard before... saying romantic words is not really meaningful, anyone can...people do it all the time without it meaning anything. Getting along with someone's mom is also not the primary aspect. Good relationships require important shared values and character traits and mutual trust, respect, commitment, love, transparency, caring about the other's well-being etc...not simply liking similar things and other random stuff. No matter how you laugh at the same jokes or how good sex is or how nice they are about saying romantic things if you feel like crap and if they lack respect, honor, integrity, commitment, there is no transparency, trust or genuine concern for your well-being where you can grow positively together, then it's not a good relationship worth keeping.

 

If the bad is that you don't feel secure, you feel he is obsessed with sex and other women and he continues to share his fantasies, and if you already are insecure, this relationship will only destroy your self esteem further. Look, attraction to others is normal and in a healthy relationship you may share this, but not to the point of obsession. I have never been with a man who kept photos of other women on his wall, phone, computer, obsessively talked about who else he wanted to f!ckk, who else is so hot etc. It's juvenile and insensitive. We may do something like ask about celebrity crushes, but certainly it's not unsolicited and where in general they or I go on and on about others. All my boyfriends, if I wanted their opinion on the looks of another woman, I would usually have to ask them myself if they thought X celebrity was hot or X normal girl, and most of the time they would just say "She's fine" "You're prettier" "Not my type" and they spent more time expressing their attraction to me versus obsessing over other women. A good boyfriend is like this. Of course they thought other women were hot probably, but they didn't spend time focusing on other women, they genuinely were more into me, the woman they chose to be with.

 

This guy is insensitive and the pluses don't outweigh that. We all have issues, but trust, your guy is in the wrong. You're working on therapy, have you discussed this with your therapist? You have your own self-esteem issues, but don't let anyone tell you that that makes his behavior okay, it doesn't. You work on your issues while dating a man who doesn't exacerbate them...and trust me...his behavior is neither typical nor acceptable and it makes things worse.

Edited July 4, 2016 by MissBee

[MissBee]

To be honest, I have a hard time connecting with people, so when I do, I appreciate them and don't want to just rid them from my life. I'm introverted and have a social anxiety problem, I feel like I'm lucky to be able to get anyone to date me.

 

This is called desperation.

 

And desperation leads us to some destructive things, like feeling so unworthy of love and respect that we will take ANYTHING, no matter how horrible and say we're lucky.

 

Continue working with your therapist. Having social anxiety and being an introvert are not reasons to put up with shyttty dudes. You are no less deserving of love, care, respect and a man you actually like who values you in turn. My sister is an introvert with social anxiety, she is also very brilliant, creative, thoughtful, kind, funny, etc...she just takes a while to warm up and recharges by being alone...she had 1 shytty high school boyfriend and since has REFUSED to put up with any dude who doesn't respect her. She is an ordinary and great person, but has her issues like we all do, and no guy is perfect and don't ever tell yourself that because you have anxiety you need to just accept anything you get.

[Gaeta]

I have tons of self confidence and I would not date your guy. No women with some self respect would date this clown.

 

I have nothing against porn but 'live' porn is NOT porn it's the same as using downtown prostitution. He pays to view these live girls and to me that's cheating.

 

Your boyfriend has not respect for you. I don't care what beautiful things he tells you at night, the worth of a man is shown during the day with his actions.

 

There are gazillions of men out there for you to date. There will always be men for you to date!! ALWAYS. Tell this one to get lost.

[bachdude]

To be honest, I have a hard time connecting with people, so when I do, I appreciate them and don't want to just rid them from my life. I'm introverted and have a social anxiety problem, I feel like I'm lucky to be able to get anyone to date me.

 

 

So I'm guessing that is why you call yourself hermit crab? Smile

 

 

What stands out to me in what you said is the last sentence,

 

 

"I feel like I'm lucky to be able to get anyone to date me."

 

 

If you could, read it again.

 

 

Now instead of that sentence, how about,

 

 

"I'm a person of value with so much to offer and I deserve to be with someone who will treat me in a way that shows they value me."

[BrownEyedGurl1]

His behavior is immature, not appropriate and not conducive to an adult relationship. I would end it. I know men like this and I highly doubt he will change his ways even if you talk to him about it. You are still young and have time to find someone better.

[hermitcrab]

I appreciate the replies from everyone. It gives me stuff to think about. So he is either not that smart or doesn't care about my feelings when it comes to this or both.. I hope it's just him not being smart.

 

Also the cam girl thing I try not to think as full cheating like some people here say it is since he said he never talked to them. It's still uncomfortable though despite that because of the paying and the live aspect and I think it's the closest any guy has gotten to cheating on me.

 

Even if he makes me feel ****ty at times, I still love him. There are still times where he makes me feel loved and important. I just feel confused and not sure what to do. I'll see my therapist today and talk about this.

[Gaeta]

I appreciate the replies from everyone. It gives me stuff to think about. So he is either not that smart or doesn't care about my feelings when it comes to this or both.. I hope it's just him not being smart.

 

Also the cam girl thing I try not to think as full cheating like some people here say it is since he said he never talked to them. It's still uncomfortable though despite that because of the paying and the live aspect and I think it's the closest any guy has gotten to cheating on me.

 

Even if he makes me feel ****ty at times, I still love him. There are still times where he makes me feel loved and important. I just feel confused and not sure what to do. I'll see my therapist today and talk about this.

 

 

Give him a choice:

 

A: A girl on camera

B: His girlfriend in flesh and blood in his bed

 

He needs to pick and pick fast.

 

Loving someone is not a reason to accept being treated poorly. Aren't you embarrassed at times to have this as a boyfriend? I am sure sometimes he does not censure himself in front of your friends and family.

[spiderowl]

His behaviour is "making you feel like crap" so your feelings are telling you something important. His fascination with other women when he has a girlfriend seems over the top to me. He should be focusing on you and how great you are not other women. He is tactless and thoughtless. I suspect he's not going to change. You need a guy who has more self-control and tact than this boyfriend.